Name: Diabolical Behavior, Holiday Bums, Driverless Cars | Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-12-01T19:16:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Diabolical Behavior, Holiday Bums, Driverless Cars | Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Diabolical Behavior, Holiday Bums, Driverless Cars | Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-01. Transcript available.

Diabolical Behavior, Holiday Bums, Driverless Cars | Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, December 1st, 2025.
What's going on? How are ya?
Oh, I got up there. How are you? How's it going?
How is your day going? My day is going fantastic.
Is there anything better than hitting a couple of bets?
You know, gives you a sense of control, makes you feel like you know something.
You know what I mean? You just sit here and it's December 1st and it's fucking
81 degrees out in Los Angeles.
These fucking, I will tell you this. Oh, I am on one. Ooh, Billy's on one.
These fucking local weather people. I don't know what, I don't know what
management is telling them,
but they are not bringing up global warming at all. They're acting like it isn't
happening.
They said there's the rest of the country's getting snow.
They don't want to graze out. It's just like, even I know, basking in the
sunshine out here in the sunshine state,
even I know as a comedian that extreme weather is happening.
And that to be like, well, it's fucking snowing in Chicago. It's like, it's
supposed to be snowing in Chicago and it's supposed to be cool here.
It's 81 fucking degrees out. It feels like the, like mid-September and it's
December.
I don't know how they do it. I mean, what, the, the level of drinking that
these fucking media, cause they, they actually know what's going on.
They've been studying the charts forever.
They know what the fuck is going on.
Like Paul Verzi knew the Carolina Panthers were going to give the Rams a game.
It's 24, 21, six, 20 to go in the third.
I got the game on the flat screen here.
I like what the Panthers are doing here.
They're trying to establish the run game here.
They're chewing up the clock.
Anyway, I, uh, I just lost my whole train of thought.
You know, this is, at some point I'm going to realize with my ADD, I cannot, I
repeat,
I cannot have a TV on in the background, but it is what it is.
I'll tell you, I'm, I'm, I'm starting to like my, I've, I've fucking played
drums,
flow helicopters, road motorcycles and all that.
Like the shit that I hear now, I heard at the beginning of this podcast.
I thought the guy said, Hey, it's Adam and Eve in the broadcast booth.
And I'm going like Adam and Eve.
What is this?
The fucking 700 club.
What am I watching here?
Adam and Eve.
Oh gee, what?
They got some broad call in the game.
And then they cut to them.
It was Adam and Drew Brees.
It's just like, Oh, it's Adam and Drew Brees.
Not Adam and Eve.
Um, TV was turned down a little bit.
Turned down for what?
Can somebody tell me why they haven't put little John in a commercial yet?
A commercial, a commercial yet where the fucking it's for a five-star hotel and
they're showing
all the amenities and then like the fucking, not the waitress, the maid comes
in, like knocks
on the door and he opens the door and he's, he's like, you know, yeah.
And she goes, turn down service.
And he goes, turn down for what?
Right?
And then they cut to the music and they're like, marry it.
Five nights only fucking 69.99.
I mean, if I am representing little John, I'm not waiting for that offer.
I'm going out and I'm, I'm actively pitching it.
Okay.
You can't sit on your hands in this business.
You can't sit on your hands in any business right now with the, with the way
these nerds
are, you know, remember how nerds, you know, they used to get fucking picked up
on in the
sandbox and they take their toy and going home.
They're doing that with entire businesses and instead of going home with the
toy, they're
taking all the money and they're sticking it in their front pocket and they're
walking away.
And then they're just saying, Oh, the business is shrinking.
Yeah.
Right into your fucking pocket.
You greedy cunt.
It's kind of amazing.
I always thought that like the end of this shit was good.
I just thought that the people doing it were going to be a lot more sinister,
you know,
I guess classic, like Hollywood cinema sinister, you know, big black mustache
twirling it.
That's what I thought it was going to be.
I thought it was going to be type A psychos, but I will say that the computer
really leveled
the playing field when it comes to, uh, diabolical behavior.
It used to be like nerds were nerds.
They nerded off with each other.
They put on mascot uniforms and they had their little fuck off parties and, you
know, in the
middle of a dungeon and dragon game.
I mean, that's, that's how they did it.
And then somewhere along the line, a laptop got invented, websites got invented,
and then
online shopping and, and I don't know what happened.
Everything's just, everything went to like three people.
Now I have to wonder because behind the politicians are these nerds that have
swallowed up whole
businesses and behind those nerds, okay, are, are the oil companies and the
pharmaceuticals.
And behind those people is the federal reserve.
And behind those people is, is the blue bloods that evidently go around the
ocean in a, in
a giant armada that doesn't show up on any radar.
They just sail around the world running shit.
So I'm wondering at what point are they going to feel that these nerds are
getting a little
big, too big for their britches?
Because all of a sudden, if you've got a billion dollars, you do have enough
money to convince
a former high school linebacker, not only to be your security, but maybe to
take a run
at that armada.
If you get enough of them, you could promise them, Hey, you want to be a
billionaire too?
They are worth trillions of dollars.
If you take out that fucking armada, I'll be a trillionaire and you guys will
all be
billionaires.
What do you say to that?
Hey, I'll fucking do that shit.
That's what I want to see.
Enough with them coming at regular people.
I want to see them go after each other.
That's what I was really hoping for.
You know, when that Luigi thing happened last year, man, or when it, yeah, like
a, over
a year ago, I was hoping that that was an organized hit and that CEOs were
finally whacking other
CEOs.
And it just turned out that it wasn't the case.
Anyway, and that's another Panthers first down.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Just going right down the goddamn field.
Anyway, buddy of mine from back East, hey, my family back East.
Sent me a text last night.
Cause you know, I'm always fucking whining about the goddamn state of sports.
And he said, uh, you know, if you get a chance, watch Costellic destroys cider
tonight.
And he said, visions of McQuaid, because one of my favorite fights sort of in
the end
of the enforcer era before it became finesse, you know, which is just a
different kind of
hockey, you know, it's sort of the ice capades mixed with, uh, hockey, I guess,
uh, more ice
capades, less NHL hockey that I grew up with.
Um, there's this fight.
You got to look it up.
Adam McQuaid versus Rafi Torres.
And I remember Rafi Torres came down on the right side and he jumped up a
little bit and
he elbowed, uh, Ferenc right across the face.
Our other defenseman and McQuaid without question went right over, dropped the
gloves and beat
the fucking shit out of the guy.
And I just always remember seeing that.
I don't think I've ever in the modern era, um, well, before what it is now, I,
I, it's
just textbook defending of your teammate.
Like, oh, is that how you guys are going to play?
If this is how you're going to play, this is what's going to happen.
And I'll tell you the Phoenix Coyotes became little chihuahuas after that, um,
as far as
their cheap shit.
And, um, so he, he told me, you know, cause I was, I was saying, you know, I, I
went sat
front row down in the front row for that Bruins Kings game.
Thank you to the Bruins hooking me and Jackie Flynn up.
Um, I was just amazed at the size of the players that could turn like Brad
Marchand.
He had like guys, six, six, six, five, six, seven.
And like those guys used to just be the, first of all, they weren't even that
big.
If you were that big, you played basketball and, uh, now they can actually play
hockey.
And then it became, you just sort of this enforcer guy.
And now these guys, they're like that big and they can turn like, like a, like
a forward.
It's insane.
Um, the level of skill.
And I will tell you when I was, uh, sort of in the back doing something for Nesson,
I
saw one of the players, like, this is the level of savagery.
Of the modern athlete.
This guy's a hockey player.
It's before the game.
And he's sort of doing this side gallop down the hall, juggling three tennis
balls off of
the wall, slowly galloping to the right and to the left.
Like these guys are working out their fucking brains.
It's like, I thought going like, you know, 30 miles an hour backwards, trying
to stop Carter
McDavid was, was enough for your brain.
But it's like, if we're going to stop this guy, we need to do this.
I mean, it's, it's really insane.
Um, the human ability.
I mean, back in the day, if you could do that, if you could gallop sideways and
juggle three
balls off of a wall, you were a fucking juggler.
You, you were, you, you were going to work for a long time in the circus or at
least doing
college gigs around the country.
You know, there was nobody in the NHL that could fucking do that.
Now I guess they do this before the goddamn game and it explains their hand-eye
coordination
and the insane level of, uh, talent, I guess, you know, try to learn how to do
that.
My brain gets older.
Maybe I'll, something new.
It'd be funny if I tried it and I fainted.
It's too much dicking.
Motor skills and hand-eye coordination.
Um, anyway, uh, old Billy back on the road, baby.
Going out tonight, tonight, tonight.
Remember that Phil Collins song?
Oh, whole fucking song.
Gonna make it right tonight, tonight, tonight.
Whoa.
And he was so fucking popular.
He got away with that.
You know, there was guys in the booth going like, hey, Phil, you gonna maybe,
uh, write
a, better, a little more stuff to say?
Uh-uh.
Tonight, tonight, tonight.
Oh.
Um, I'm gonna go out and do some stand-up.
I got a bunch of new shit that I'm gonna try out.
Very excited.
And, uh, getting myself ready.
I'm going up to Bakersfield, one of my favorite places to go.
Um, heading up there.
What the fuck do I got with me?
I think Ambria Allen and, uh, Dean Del Rey.
I think that that's who I got.
Um, should be a good time, man.
A little up and back there.
And, um, they got a good coffee spot up there.
By the time I get up there, it's gonna be closed.
Oh, Bill, with the goddamn coffee.
When are you gonna stir up with the goddamn coffee?
All right.
Here's another fucking, here's another celebrity ad.
If I was Tommy Lee's, from Motley Crue's, agent, I would get him.
There's a clip of him from back in the day doing a drum solo.
And, you know, he's talking to the crowd and he's in Tacoma.
And he keeps going, Tacoma!
Tacoma, you know?
All right, Tacoma!
Right?
And they edit it all together.
Trying to make it look all spinal tappy.
But, of course, they cut out the amazing drum solo and all the other shit he
said.
So, it looks like all he said was Tacoma 50,000 fucking times.
It has a bunch of views.
If I'm his agent, why not get him playing a drum solo going,
Tacoma!
A bunch of times.
Going upside down and all that.
And then, in the end, he drives off in a Toyota Tacoma.
Bam!
There's another one.
See, this is what you do.
You try to get people that you like work.
Okay?
And considering the nerds are swallowing up show business and everybody has to
do commercials now,
you know, I'm going to look out for people that I like.
You know, I went to a Carolina Panthers game, everybody.
I did.
It reminded me of the old NFL, that old stadium that they were playing in and
all of that.
It would be really cool if they, they're kind of a low-key, like, good team
this year.
By the way, does anybody have any idea who's winning the Super Bowl this year?
I saw a game Tom Brady did, was announcing, and he, I don't know if he was
thinking what I was, what I'm trying to say here.
He said, this is a weird year.
And I think, I do