Name: Drums & Donuts, 'Is This Thing On', Tablas | Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-25 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2025-12-29T15:45:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drums & Donuts, 'Is This Thing On', Tablas | Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drums & Donuts, 'Is This Thing On', Tablas | Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-25 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-29. Transcript available.

Drums & Donuts, 'Is This Thing On', Tablas | Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-25 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
December 29th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya?
Holy shit, it's the last goddamn Monday of the year.
And I would say the best Monday of the year.
The Monday between Christmas and New Year's.
Because most likely you have it off.
Well, at least you did back in the day.
Not these fucking heartless bastards now.
They send you right back to work.
You know?
They send you right back to work.
They make people put tips on credit cards.
They take a portion of your tips.
They fucking make money off of that too.
They don't give you any benefits.
And we all know who the problem is.
The fucking immigrants.
If we could just get these fucking immigrants
immigrants in a van and stuck in a jail with alligators around them.
Then all of a sudden, these billionaires, you know,
they'll start loosening up the purse strings and they'll start trickling down
again.
Totally makes sense.
Got to get these fucking illegal immigrants out of here, man.
You know, these fucking people are, you know, picking fucking kumquats for $3 a
month.
And, you know, if they can do that for 200 years and then pool all of their
money together
to somehow keep up with inflation, they will, in fact, outbid one of you on a
house.
Just glad we got our priorities straight.
I'm so sick of them pointing the finger at the wrong people.
Finally.
Finally, they're pointing the finger at the right people.
You know, get these goddamn illegal immigrants out of here
so the pharmaceutical industry can actually, you know, focus on their job.
Doing the right thing for everybody.
You know?
You watch, man.
Once they get these illegal immigrants out of this country,
you watch, all of a sudden, magically,
Democrats and Republicans will start working for the people.
You won't be able to bribe them anymore.
Why do politicians make such little amount of money?
You know?
If anybody should get a pay raise, forget the fucking teachers.
Let's start with the politicians.
You know?
If you're going to be president of the United States
and have to deal with that many fucking bodies,
you know, I'm not talking about the whores
by the fucking first lady pool,
whatever they call that thing.
Huh?
The look the other way lagoon?
Is that what they call the fucking...
Oh, if that pool could talk.
Is there a pool at the fucking White House?
Wait a minute.
Do you only make like 200 grand a year to be president
and you don't have a fucking pool?
That's got to be the worst fucking place to live ever.
You must feel like a fucking zoo animal.
Just sitting there and all these people with like their faces pressed up
against the fence.
It would be bad enough if you just had a bunch of people looking at you in your
house.
You know, in general, that would suck.
But to have them fucking like all of their hopes and dreams are on you.
They're blaming you for everything.
Like, how does the...
I can't believe no president
has ever walked out onto the balcony
and just been like,
will you guys get the fuck out of here?
Can I have five fucking minutes?
You see this red phone?
I'm going to pick it up
if you fucking guys don't take a walk.
Keep standing there.
Keep standing there.
I'll start pressing buttons in here.
Mr. President.
Mr. President ain't nothing.
My name's Bill.
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
There's no way.
How do you not
lose your goddamn mind?
And the whole time you're in there,
you got to make all these decisions
knowing
that it's not good for your country,
that it's good for a small group of people.
But if you don't do it,
you're going to get a convertible ride in Dallas.
The least you could do
is make more money
than some fucking whore on TikTok.
And it doesn't happen.
And then what do we do?
We wonder why
these politicians are corrupt.
They're not making enough money.
We got to pay them.
You got to give them enough money
where they're unbribable.
And then what?
What if they're still an asshole?
You know, there's too many variables.
Ah, Jesus Christ.
You know, Bill, just stick with sports.
Just keep watching sports
and playing drums.
That's what I'm going to do.
Okay?
That's my life goal.
Just keep watching sports
and, you know,
occasionally running into people
that watch the news
and just ride out
whatever they're saying.
You know?
There's nothing worse
than having somebody
informed in your life.
Jesus Christ.
If you just want to constantly
be in the fight or flight mode.
And I don't mean somebody
that watches CNN
or Fox News,
the sitcom of news.
I don't mean that bullshit.
I mean somebody
who's actually digging deep.
You know?
Getting into the fucking weeds
on the internet.
Going rogue.
I love people that like
fucking go deep
on the internet.
Like you're going to be
the one that figures it out.
Like the internet's
not going to get you.
You're not going to get radicalized.
That's for all those
other people.
Dude, the amount of people
that I have seen
that have just like,
you know,
we've all gone a little,
can we admit,
we've all gone a little crazy
on the internet.
The internet will fucking,
even at the most
basic level.
Remember when eBay
was the thing?
That was like sort of
the shopping fentanyl,
is that how you say it?
Like 10, 20 years ago?
I would be up at like
two o'clock in the morning
after doing a spot
in New York
and I would be bidding
on
1977
tops football
complete set
of cards
and being psyched
when I won
and I bought like
four or five years
and somebody stole them
and I think somebody
who worked on my house
took them
because I went to go move
and I couldn't find them,
so
and you know what I say?
God bless that guy.
God bless that guy
because I bought all those cards
and I never looked at them.
I looked at them like once
and it felt good
and then I had them
and I was like,
where the fuck do I put these?
But I only like the ones
from when I'm a kid.
Bill, are you going off the rails?
Can you stick to the point?
All right, I'll stick to the point.
Like everybody,
you've kind of lost your mind.
You bought some shit
you didn't need.
You chimed in on something
you shouldn't have chimed in.
That's like light work.
Right?
Then you got like
the mezzanine level
of losing your fucking mind
is you just start going
deep into porn.
You know what I mean?
like a cinephile
mixed with like
human trafficking
before you come out
the other side going
what the fuck
did I just do to my soul?
I can't even look
at another leather couch.
And then you have
all the way
to the
you start getting
to the bottom
which is when
you just get
politically radicalized
which is where
so many people are
where they literally
don't like
half of their countrymen
because I keep
you know
joking around on stage
talking about this
alligator Alcatraz
stuff going like
you realize what they did.
Ice is their brown shirts
and that's their first
concentration camp
and when they run out
of fucking immigrants
who do you think's
going in there?
You don't give a fuck
now because you don't
see yourself
in that van
but eventually
they're going to run
out of those people
and then who
he thinks going in
and then this guy
in the crowd goes
oh the Democrats
that's what he said
the Democrats
and I go really?
And he goes
who else could it be?
That's how
gone this guy was.
He was so deep
into the internet
that it was like
not only could he
not see himself
going in there
he only could see
people who didn't
agree with him
going in there
and at no point
did it dawn on him
that those were
his fellow countrymen
and if that happened
half of the country
would be gone
making this country
half as strong
as it once was
have half the ability
to defend itself.
That's how fucked
the internet is.
So
my goal in 2026
I don't know
how you do this
as a comedian
because I got to know
what people are watching
and what they're
talking about.
I got to somehow
you know how people
drink responsibly?
I need to like
be on the internet
responsibly.
I'm off social media now
I still have my pages
because I got to have them
I got to promote my shit
I mean what am I
supposed to do here?
I got off them
in like
end of August
early September
but then I kind of
just replaced it
with YouTube
YouTube app
sucks by the way
like you click on
videos
and they just keep
sending you
like
they'll send you
10 new ones
and like
4 of them
are ones you already
saw
I don't know
you would think
that they would work
on some shit like that
but anyway
what am I talking about?
I'm talking about
how it's the end of the year
and you take stock
and you try to
improve yourself
old Billy Yoga Matt
old Billy Yoga Matt
has been
doing the right thing
throughout the holidays
I almost got the flat stomach
I'm right there
I am right there
I used to be able to grab
two giant
fucking handfuls
of mistakes
right on my stomach
and now
I'm like
pinching an inch
with each hand
so I gotta get rid of that
and then I'll be happy
then I'll be happy
then I'll be able
to walk down the street
and hold my
Charlie Brown head up high
no I took my
my son out the other day
we were hanging out all day
and we got this
we do this day called
it's drums and donuts
because the first time
I took him to the drum store
he like lost his mind
and wanted to play
every drum kit there
and every time
I would ask him
you know
say hey buddy
it's time to go
we would start to have
a meltdown
and I'd be embarrassed
because there was
all these adults there
and shit
so I finally had to
bribe him
just be like
dude you want to get
a donut
he was like
a donut
I was like
yeah
you want to get
a donut
he was like
yeah
like dude
look at me
like how the fuck
did you come up
with that
right
so then that's
what it became
it became
drums and donuts
so now he just plays
and then I
he looks at me
he goes
alright dad
let's get a donut
so we
we go to do that
but like
I went over to
Pro Drum
my favorite
drum shop
in the country
Pro Drum Shop
over there on Vine
and they had
a Gretsch Broadcaster
which is the kind
of drum kit
I had
I have
and they had
this one in there
with like this
it almost looked
like Mother of Pearl
but it was purple
I'm not gonna lie to you
if you had a bigger kit
it'd be a lot
but this was a little
like four piece kit
well you know
with the snare drum
but it was just really
just a rack of floor
and a 22 inch kick
if that was a 24 inch kick
oh
I would have had
a really hard time
laying off it
it was fucking
cool
I was looking at
I would put that
in my living room
you know
the way somebody
some people get
an armoire
or whatever
what are those
fucking things
people have
in there
there's an armoire
in the bedroom
that's what you put
clothes in
and then there's
that thing
in ottoman
it all sounds
the same
can we just
take time out
and just
tip our caps
to furniture salesmen
just how easily
they can go
from armoire
to ottoman
and just not
get all confused
speaking of confused
I woke up
this morning
boo-doo-doo-doo-doo
and I went
on my phone
boo-doo-doo-doo-doo
and I looked up
David Berkowitz
while I was
alone
and I read about
the son of Sam
I was
I don't know why
I just woke up
thinking about him
going
is that guy dead
then I just
started reading
about him
they said
he drove
a 1970
yellow Ford Galaxy
and I'm like
Ford Galaxy
I know what
those things
looked like
in the mid-60s
I love that car
what did it look
like in 1970
and then I was like
whatever happened
to David Berkowitz
his yellow
Ford Galaxy
and they don't
even know
it was a major
part of
the evidence
and
that's where
they found
all this shit
they found a letter
in there
they found the gun
which was a
.44 Magnum
Bulldog
it got the
nickname Bulldog
this is
I just went down
this rabbit hole
it got the
nickname Bulldog
from a
an English
service revolver
that existed
they made them
from like
for like
almost a hundred years
from like the
1860s
to the 1960s
and they showed
all of these
wars that it
fought in
and I had never
heard a half of them
all of these
uprisings
from the
people
in the parts
of the world
that they had
colonized
then there was
this weird thing
wh