Name: Seattle, Ear Pods, Drugs | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-26 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2026-01-10T00:44:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Seattle, Ear Pods, Drugs | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Seattle, Ear Pods, Drugs | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-10. Transcript available.

Seattle, Ear Pods, Drugs | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-26 | Bill Burr

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday
Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's up everybody I
am I'm sitting in
my car because I got a fucking meeting here in about 17 minutes and I was
traveling yesterday
so I apologize from the bottom of my freckled heart that this podcast was a
little late dude
um I was up in Seattle I'll give you my my um my surroundings right now I'm
just looking out my
window I see a Pete's Coffee a Citibank a Chipotle a CVS they're closing those
pharmacies fucking right
and left all the Dwayne Reads are gone you know it's really fucking amazing to
me that like we've
gotten to a point where you walk into a drugstore and body wash and all of this
shit it's locked up
like like they're gold bars people can't even afford fucking toiletries you
know and now what
what are we doing now what are we doing now we're down in Venezuela oh thank
god they finally took
care of Venezuela huh you know what I mean I just don't get it I need that
explained to me
I it is is the United States government like your older brother where it's
walking around going like
hey you can't beat the shit out of them but I can is that what it is hey you
you don't put fiberglass
in the fucking filters so they'll be even more addicted to back to tobacco and
die we do that
you don't give them heroin we make synthetic heroin and we give it to them
we let us handle poisoning the food supply like the level of of domestic
terrorism
they just look the other fucking way and what are you saying this country can't
send in a little bit
a blow I'm kidding I mean I need it explained to me I don't I don't know what
happened there
did they send ice down there to get that guy
and ice is now killing immigrants I don't I don't fucking get it I just I don't
get it
I don't get the whole thing that if you're an illegal immigrant you go to a
jail
with the fucking alligators around it but if you kill rape a person as a
citizen
you know you just go to a regular jail
there's no alligators
you know why because the citizen raped and murdered the right way
okay they were naturalized citizens so there's no alligators
however if you haven't raped and killed anybody
you know if they don't shoot you if you can make it to the jail
if you just make an illegally made fucking pupusas
you end up in a jail with fucking alligators around you
I guess that's how it works
and evidently Pete's Coffee is so fucking good
there's nine million nine million fucking locations it's garbage
I think in order to actually have a coffee shop you should be required
you should like I always heard like if you're in like a fancy restaurant
one of the first things they do is they have you make an egg
and if you can do that okay then we're gonna go from there
something simple
so I feel like if you're gonna open a coffee shop
you should be you should pour
before you get your license to do it
you should pour a single shot espresso
okay and if it doesn't taste like you just fuck
it came out of the back of a bus muffler
exhaust pipe
like Pete's Coffee and Starbucks
just as burnt beans fucking horrific shit
then it's like okay
now you can make a latte
I don't know what you I'm just gonna go off on all these people
I don't know what the fuck Chipotle is so excited about
they're another one of these people that are like
now we're using real meat
it's like well what the fuck were you using before
well like that big thing is that they have fresh ingredients
it's like well shouldn't you
oh Bill what else what else is upsetting you
nothing really I just got a
just got back from fucking Seattle
and I went up there
I had one of my Boston buddies flew in
we went to the Bruins Kraken game
at Climate Pledge Arena
so of course I read that
and I just think it's probably some toxic corporation
that gave itself a nice warm fuzzy name
right
and then I find out
listen what the people of Seattle did
or the government up there
just before you get all cynical like me
and think everybody's full of shit
they you know
Climate Pledge Arena is where
the old key arena used to be
and that's where the
Seattle Supersonics
with downtown Freddie Brown
and I want to say
Dennis Johnson was on that team
way back in the day
I think they won the NBA title in 1979
so anyway then they became the Sonics
and the Supersonics were fine with Key Arena
but then all of a sudden the Sonics
wanted uh
why do they have those fucking cops
drive down the street
on those stand-up tripods
it seems really inefficient
they're super fat
I don't
they don't seem like mobile
you're not gonna like chase somebody on it
right
like if they're on like a scooter
I just feel like they can
you know
maneuver
jump off it quicker
it's kind of like a podium
just going down
what's the deal
with cops on tripods
um
anyway
so they left
and they
the
Sonics were like
you know
the Supersonics were fine with Key Arena
but then when they became the Sonics
they were like
you know
we're not doing this shit
you gotta give us a new arena
and Seattle was like
hey man
like
the Seahawks don't even have a new
oh the Seahawks
that's what I was like
Seahawks and Mariners got a new stadium
that's what happened
they got jealous
they were like
whoa
what are we
you know
we can't get a new fucking arena
and then they left
and they went to fucking Oklahoma
and that is what happened
so in the meantime
I guess
what they did was
they
took the roof off
of Key Arena
and I think that they
demolished the rest of it
it was just
I don't know
it was like
sort of suspended up there
and they built this new arena
underneath it
and
the reason why it's called
Climate Pledge
is they use rainwater
for the ice
captured rainwater
for the ice
it's all solar powered
and
it made me feel great
because it was also
a really cool
it might
arguably the best arena
in
in the National Hockey League
to watch a game
it's like a really
like aesthetically
like interesting
they didn't just do like
you know
all of the
from the Staples Center
to Fleet Center
they all look
United Center
they all look
the fucking same
and this one is different
it's like the old school ones
where they would have
like these weird shapes
to them
where it would go
like the seats
would go up
and it would go
into like a shape
of like a triangle
and then there would
just be like
you know
ten seats
nine seats
eight seats
all the way down
to like one seat
or like you know
Maple Leaf Gardens
had stuff like that
like any place
they could put a seat
they would just stick one
they'd stick one
behind a fucking pole
they didn't give a shit
but anyway
so I went there
watched the game
Bruins played
we played like dog shit
but you know
it was a good road trip
and we came back
and we beat Calgary
last night
so I just went
to the brain fart game
and but I gotta say
the Kraken played great
and then they started
in the second period
like this super aggressive
forecheck
to the point
you couldn't even
stay behind our own net
like looking up ice
they would send a guy
back there
and if somebody came back
on our team
to help them out
they'd send another
they'd have two guys
back there
and it was causing us
to make bad passes
and turn the puck over
in our own end
and it ended up
you know
the game was 1-1
after the first period
and then it was 2-1
Seattle
and then 2-2
and then they scored
two goals
in like the final minute
one with one second left
to make it 4-2
and that was just
like a fucking backbreaker
but
anyway
I think their captain
got two
but we scored
too late
in the game
to make it like
six to four
and then they got
an empty net
or seven four
it was just
it was an ugly game
but anyway
it was fun
to go to that arena
and I only got
two more teams
I gotta see
I gotta see
the Utah Mammoth
and the Carolina Hurricanes
and I got gigs
coming up
in both those places
specifically for that
right
and then like
what am I gonna do
what am I gonna do
I already talked
to my agent
I know exactly
what I'm gonna do
fucking CFL baby
I feel like
I could knock out
the CFL
in like
maybe two years
they got like
six teams
three road gigs
three games
they also play
like during the week
you know
so it's not like
I gotta be there
on a Sunday
or whatever
and I think
I can fucking
knock it out
and then what
I don't know
then I don't know
what to do
I've been to all
four tennis majors
I can't get into
the only other
I've been to
the Masters
the only other one
I want to go to
is the
the one in Scotland
the original one
where they're playing
at that place there
was it
St. Andrews
the original
that's the one
they go there
every two three years
or some shit
it's like the Olympics
I want to go there
for that
and then
I gotta do
the Tour de France
the Isle of Man
and then I think
I'm done
I've been to
a Premier League game
I've been to
three F1s
maybe some more
MotoGP
I went to MotoGP
as far as sports
I got like
nothing left
I don't know Bill
maybe you could go home
sit down and figure out
why you felt the need
to fucking do that
and do it all by yourself
or whatever
I had issues
well speaking of that shit
you motherfuckers
I haven't lost my temper
it's January 9th
I haven't lost my temper
since probably November 30th
because December 1st
I had my breakthrough
so that's like my sober
like anger day
and I was talking to my wife
this morning
I go how do you like this new
not angry Bill
and she goes
it's been great so far
and I'm like
I know what you mean
by so far
because I don't believe
this either
I keep feeling like
it's going to come back
but it doesn't
because like the first time
I took mushrooms
you know
and I figured all of this shit out
I was like in this utopia
for what felt like
a week or 10 days
but then after it
I was left with the reality
now that I understood
what happened to me growing up
I was like
and all throughout my life
and shit
I was kind of left with
well it still fucking happened
and then the anger came back
like tenfold
and so did my hiccups evidently
so
anyway
this has been different
because I had this breakthrough
and then I thought like
okay
well
is this this 7 to 10 day thing
then I come back
like even angrier
and
it has not
I am proud to say
so that's
31 days of December
plus 9
40 days
40 days
of not losing my shit
driving in LA
people doing dumb shit
in front of me
and I just fucking laugh
I just laugh
so
I told my wife
I go
I understand what you're saying
but
you know
I'm doing the work
I'm doing the yoga
I'm journaling
I'm enjoying this woman
wearing a tennis hat
a visor
even though she doesn't
she's not playing tennis
she's got a fucking
you know what I like about her headphones
she had a wire
connected to a phone
they're finally admitting
that that's not good
for your brain
to have wireless
headphones
or those little fucking ear
things
you know
but it's okay
because it's American companies
doing it to us
they're the ones giving us
brain cancer
but I'll tell you right now
if those goddamn
Venezuelans did anything
well we would put a stop
to that immediately
you do not give
our citizens
brain cancer
we do
anyway
the fuck else
have I been doing
oh and then I did my show
what was it
Wednesday night
I played this other theater
where they usually have
musicals
and
oh my god
it was fucking gorgeous
the lights were so down
though I couldn't see it
and I
I deliberately went out
afterwards
when the lights were up
to take a peek at it
I already forget the name
of the place
but everybody
I want to thank everybody
that showed up
and
I got all this new shit
that I've been doing
and then like my energy
was like kind of different
which made me like
you know I'm not like
the screaming angry
lunatic
I don't fucking know
it went great
and
I'm excited
I got my tour dates
I think I'm gonna start
back up in March
I'm finally getting back
out on the road
I shook off doing the play
and I spent all this
quality time at home
and
been playing catch
with my daughter
something
I fantasized about this
before I ever had a kid
was playing catch
it's one of the best
things y