Name: The Hockey Show, Playoffs, Charities | Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-26 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2026-01-12T18:45:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Hockey Show, Playoffs, Charities | Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Hockey Show, Playoffs, Charities | Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-12. Transcript available.

The Hockey Show, Playoffs, Charities | Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-26 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, January 12th, 2026.
What's going on? How are ya?
How's it going? Oh, Jesus, I am on pins and motherfucking needles.
Pins and needles. I am waiting for this Patriots game to start.
Now, here's the thing. I'm going to do like 45 minutes of this podcast, 50
minutes of this podcast.
I'm going to do most of the podcast is what I'm trying to say, but I'm saving
the last 10 till after the Pats game.
You know, because there's not enough people out there giving, you know, their
take on a playoff game after it happens.
I don't think there's enough. I need at least seven men and two women in suits
and blouses in some sort of winter wear sitting in on the sidelines,
letting me know what they think the keys to the game are.
What are the keys to the game? Well, I got to tell you, you know, the trenches.
You know, whoever wins that battle. I mean, you know, I've said it before. I'll
say it again.
If a quarterback doesn't have time to throw the ball, then what are we passing
for?
And if we're not passing, they know we're running and they're just going to
stack the line.
Why wouldn't they? They're winning in the trenches.
Then they go to the next person. You know, I just think, you know, they're
secondary, you know, with the cover two, the cover zero, the cover me.
You know, they just they do it better than anybody else in the league.
Here's a stat that you're never going to fucking ever see again.
Did you guys see this thing? The fucking New York Jets.
You put some respect on their name. The goddamn motherfucking New York Jets.
Had zero interceptions this year.
That it's it's never happened.
Not when they played.
17 games.
16 games in a season.
14 games in a season.
12, 10.
When fucking crazy leg Johnson.
Was running around with what the fucking pigskin.
They probably slaughtered a pig right before the game to make the football.
It didn't even happen then.
Red Grange.
All of these fucking guys.
Bulldog Elliot.
He always have like like fucking an animal name and then like a regular name.
Oh, fucking Stork Johnson.
Rangutan.
That is never fucking.
That's that's like that's fucking impossible.
The Jets have to start a fucking something, you know, anything is possible.
They should have that on the on inside their locker room and then just have the
team.
The 20, 25 New York Jets.
Zero interceptions in 17 regulation games.
OK, that should show you right there.
If you put your fucking mind to something, you can make it happen.
All right.
We can make things happen if we if if we will it to happen.
What we have to start doing, though, is is will something to happen that is
good for this team.
OK, now we as far as doing shit that's bad for the team, we figured that out.
But from here on out, I want you guys to be reading your affirmations.
Anyway, I got two two kids, man.
I I'm trying to keep up with this stuff.
I watched like the second half of most games.
I caught the second half of the Bills Jacksonville game.
Um, that was a good game.
I feel like Verzi was right.
He said experience was going to win that game.
Josh Allen and those guys, um, which is a Patriots fan.
I wasn't happy.
I don't know what to think about them because we beat them once and then we
were kicking
the shit out of them and then they came flying back to beat us.
So I don't know if I like that.
And I thought Jacksonville, uh, matched up pretty well against them.
Just sort of ran out of time.
Um, and now I got the Eagles game on two 11 to go in the third, 16 to 10 Eagles.
Um, I'm three, you know, so far for no, no three, you know, in the playoffs
picking games.
I picked both games yesterday and I picked the first game.
I had the bills and on this one, I got the Eagles.
This is a weird game.
I liked the 49.
Look at that fucking, you know, you got to love that uniform.
Um, but I feel like the bills and Eagles, they're kind of dangerous.
You know, they, they, the Eagles very quietly had a good season cause they
started off playing
like ass.
And I thought there was sort of like a, like a B plus team.
And I looked at their record in the end.
They, you know, they, they fucking did all right.
I can't, I don't know what the hell they had.
Last I saw all of a sudden they had 11 wins.
I was like, well, the fuck that, I thought they had like eight wins, but that's
what happens
when you don't really watch or look at the stats.
You know, it sneaks up on you.
I think the San Francisco 49ers is, is one of the few places a man can put on a
pair of
golden pants and not get shit for it.
Um, like no one even questions it.
Like if you put on gold pants, you go to a party, all the women are going to be
like,
well, yeah, look, you really fucking dressed up.
They comment on it.
You put on gold pants and you play for the 49ers.
Nobody even brings it up.
Um, anyway.
Remember when they were like changing the names of teams and stuff?
They were really looking at, I'm surprised 49er never came up.
What exactly happened in 1849 with the gold rush?
Eh, you probably don't want to read up on it.
Like most things in history, you don't, you don't want to get the real version
or the other
side here, there fucking shit.
Speaking of that, my, uh, my lovely wife is, um, she's watching some insane
show about people
in Utah, you know, the usual thing, you know, there's gotta be, there's gotta
be a happy
medium between being a Mormon and an atheist.
Cause I don't think either way is right.
You know what I mean?
You can't totally fucking abstain from rubbing one out and just marry the first
chick you banged.
And then conversely, you know, you can't go to Vegas and, and fucking, you know,
fuck everything
that moves and watch porno and do blowing.
It's gotta be, it's gotta be somewhere in the middle.
You know what I mean?
Is there a way to do that?
Does it have to be all or nothing?
Do you have to be like, ah, fuck all religions?
Like I've been.
Uh, you know what?
I've done both.
I've been a part of religion.
And then I said, fuck all religions.
Guess what?
Neither one worked.
I still, I still have just as many fucking questions.
Um, so anyway, uh, I took my kids to the park today.
Cause they're, they're just, they're, they're too big for the, the, the
backyard.
Now they're going to break a fucking window.
Um, they're just crushing it.
My daughter's been working on a swing.
My son's just like a natural.
And then we started playing catch, which is something I always want to do.
And all of a sudden, I don't know.
And my daughter has like a cannon for an arm.
We started, I go ahead, let's start.
Let's throw the football around.
My daughter's throwing spirals.
My son is second throw.
Can't even get his arm around, his hand around the ball through a spiral.
The second one.
I'm like, this is going to be all right.
That's a big thing in life.
You got to know how to throw something and hit your target.
That's a big, it's a big thing.
I feel like that comes in handy a lot.
Even if you don't play sports, let's just say you're sitting in a chair.
You don't want to get up.
You got something in your hand.
You want to throw it out.
There's a fucking trash barrel over there.
You know, you got a shot.
You got a shot.
You got a shot that you don't have to get up and you take it.
You know?
And if you miss it, then you get to get up out of your chair and then act like
you just,
you know, somebody missed a shot and you dunked it.
Still a lot more fun than just having to get up.
Because no one ever played catch with you.
You know, no one ever wanted to play fucking, what do you call it?
Whatever the goddamn game is that you play.
Sorry.
I was watching this fucking Hyundai commercial.
I don't know.
Put the sound down.
These guys all show up.
Why do you have to act like you're tough if you ride a motorcycle?
Are you allowed to say we when you, when you, we, can you do that when you ride
a fucking motorcycle?
I don't know.
Can you imagine if it was the opposite?
Can you imagine if people like acted like on motorcycles acted like they were
in SUVs and people like some, a lot of people do G wagons.
They're always acting like cunts.
Oh, you know something today when I was driving over to the park, I'm in the
second lane from the right.
I go to get over because my exit came up on me and I go to get over.
And as I'm going to get over, this guy comes screaming up on a motorcycle.
He was far away.
There was plenty of time for him to slow down, but he doesn't.
He comes screaming up, right?
To pass on the right.
And then he drives by, looks at me, does the whole big exaggerated shaking his
head.
Oh, do you got it all figured out, you douche?
You're passing on the right.
You're not supposed to do that.
I don't understand what it is about.
I've brought this up a million times.
People in L.A. don't understand that you don't pass on the right.
It's dangerous.
You know, they got like six lanes out here in a lot of areas.
So I can forgive it in lanes four, five, and six.
Fuck, touchdown.
They threw the option.
Oh, they're going to bring it back.
You fucking motherfuckers.
Oh, man.
Jesus Christ.
There you go.
There's turf toe right to the fucking ball bag.
Wait a second.
Touchdown.
There's a touchdown.
There you go.
I don't care if I lose my bet.
You got to love an exciting play like that.
That was fantastic.
What a great fucking throw.
Oh, they did the reverse.
That's what it was.
I think what sold it was the reverse.
What do you guys think?
You know, if you just kind of like hand it off and you're running a sweep, like
people kind
of smell it because the running back usually gives it away.
Man, they sold the hell out of that.
Little razzle dazzle.
Look at him talking shit.
That's right.
I should be quarterback.
Yeah, that's fucking awesome.
All right.
We got a game here.
We got a goddamn game.
Anyway.
Yeah, these fucking people.
There was another one.
I was sitting at a red light.
You can go right on red.
And this guy beeps at me.
But there was a lady standing on the curb.
I don't know if she's going to step off or not.
And look at the rear view mirror.
I'm like, what the fuck?
And then this person's shaking their head.
And I got to tell you something.
You know, I got a little upset.
And then I was like, wait, I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.
But it was good.
My kids were in the car.
I didn't yell.
I didn't curse.
I'm doing all right.
I got really frustrated today, though.
I'm not going to lie to you.
A couple of times I got really frustrated.
I'm like, this feels weird.
So then I did a little yoga.
I meditated.
I took an Epsom salt bath.
I drank myself blank.
Epsom salt bath.
I stopped there.
That's insane that running backs make catches like that.
When I was growing up, beyond two yards, they would drop the ball.
And then along came a guy named Roger Craig.
Oh, that guy paid for that pass, huh?
He's like, oh, I was almost fucking there, dude.
I can't believe it.
You threw it better than I did.
Sorry.
I'm doing this for people who didn't sync up the audio.
Anyway.
So we went over to the park.
We had a great time.
And it's funny.
They both had beautiful swings.
Very happy.
I was a lot happier than Nick Sirianni.
Jesus Christ.
That guy just looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders when
his team starts
to lose.
I mean, you got to love him.
That fucking guy cares.
He's not stoic.
Nick A, right?
He's Italian.
He wears it on his foot.
He's like, sit down.
Have something to eat.
You know?
They emote.
I still think the Eagles are going to win this game.
49ers.
What a season.
Everybody's hurt.
I think, what is it?
Is Kerry Kittles out?
Guy from the Nets?
New Jersey Nets.
Back in the day.
Who's out?
Somebody sent me a text.
Somebody sent me a text and said, is it Kittle?
Is it Kittle?
I don't fucking know.
Anyway, this podcast is all over the goddamn place.
But why don't you try tightening it up a little bit?
Have you thought about that?
Oh, my God.
My wife's been watching that gay hocke