Name: Flightless Birds, New Music, Breath Work | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-15-26
Uploaded: 2026-01-16T01:30:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Flightless Birds, New Music, Breath Work | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-15-26' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Flightless Birds, New Music, Breath Work | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-15-26' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-16. Transcript available.

Flightless Birds, New Music, Breath Work | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-15-26

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Whoa. I'm sitting here in my living room right now. The TV has on its screen.
And this is what I don't understand. Part of the screensaver is it looks like a
school of barracuda.
Ooh, barracuda, right? And here's my thing. I don't think I've ever seen like
predators.
They're usually by themselves. Bears, snakes, fucking, what else is a predator
out there? I don't know, mountain lions?
They're usually like, hey, man, you know, they sort of look, they respect each
other. There's territories.
Hey, I'm doing, this is my territory. I kill over here. This is my shit. That's
your shit.
I mean, I guess there's a pride of lions. They're codependent. Cheetahs usually
got a couple, two or three. Coyotes also.
But coyotes and cheetahs are smaller. So you figure, you know, they need to do
the gang tackle, right, to bring something down.
But, you know, great white sharks, they're by themselves. Killer whales. I don't
know.
But there's like, dude, there's like a fucking thousand of them.
Serial killers. By themselves. Maybe one other person.
That's a hell of a conversation. Trying to get somebody on the same page as you.
Like, how do you know it's okay to bring that up?
I'm like, oh, God, I'm starving. I could actually eat a person right now.
And then you kind of throw it out there.
The other person kind of lights up like, yeah, you know, that ankle bone meat
isn't bad.
Sorry. Anyway, I got a lot of satisfaction one time watching, like, I didn't
know that ostriches can't fly.
I didn't think that they could, but I just, I didn't really even think about it.
It's a big, stupid looking bird.
And what they do is they, they're like track stars.
They're fucking thing for some, I don't know why they have wings.
And why they don't have arms with like claws on them.
If you're just going to run away and be on the fucking ground.
Yeah.
Like having wings as a bird, but you can't fly is the bird version of like
erectile dysfunction.
You have a dick, but it's not worth, well, wait a minute.
You can still piss with your dick, right?
You're still eliminating, but you know, they can still flap their whims, you
know, get a little breeze going.
I don't know what.
So these things just, they just fucking.
Like the only way to catch them is if like you ambush them.
They have to completely not be ready.
Because when they take, like within, like, it's like a great running back.
Like half a step, he's at full speed.
And they see the feet, like they just fucking, like they're just gone.
And they're over the horizon.
And I think anything that can run as fast as them, like runs out of gas.
Like you ever see that shit about, I'm all over the map.
A Bugatti, which for my money is the ugliest supercar there is.
It's like, what if we took a Ford Etzel and we made it a supercar?
Same, same urinal, stand up urinal front end, right?
Which I don't even think the Etzel was that bad.
I think it's like Waterworld.
Waterworld is a fucking great movie.
But like the press just went negative and a lot of people never saw it.
It's a great fucking movie.
And dare I say, was, you know, was the sea level is rising.
You know, it was ahead.
It was ahead of its time.
Okay.
People didn't get it.
Like Roger Waters, Amused to Death.
A lot of people don't get that album.
Didn't get it when it came out.
And years later, they're like, oh, you know what?
It's actually, yeah, it's one of those things.
So where the hell was I going with this?
Oh, the Bugatti and the ostrich.
So Bugatti.
I don't even know if I'm saying that right.
Fucking Bugatti.
I'm going to take boo-boo.
I bet that's what they say when you have one of those cars.
You taking your boo?
Do you love that car more than me?
No, I love you.
And then you got to fucking bang her that chick half your age so she can feel
secure.
And then eventually she's like, you got to knock me up or I'm going to leave
you.
I got to be in the well.
And you're like, okay.
And then you fucking bust an 80-year-old nut into her.
And now you got a kid coming.
So now she can fight off your relatives when you die.
Right?
That's how that game works.
That's how that game works.
I, like you, did not understand why an 80-year-old man would have a kid.
And Dean Del Rey broke it down for me.
I was like, why are all these rock stars having kids that late in life?
He goes, they got to keep their women.
You can't just have a chick in your 30s if you're 80.
Okay?
She can't be, like, looking at you naked and you just look like a fucking
walking ball bag.
She's got to get something out of it.
So she gets the kid and then she can be, like, I am his wife.
I have a child with him.
What is he going to do with his future?
Right?
And then she gets the money.
And what does she do?
She goes out and buys a bunch of horseshoes.
Not horseshoes.
Ho, ho, whore.
Horseshoes.
You know those ones where you can just see their whole feet?
It's all glass.
Everything but the goldfish swimming around in the back.
Those ones.
Afternoon stripper shoes.
That's what she goes out because now she's got to go fucking find somebody else.
What is she going to do?
Work?
She put her time in.
She banged a walking, talking ball bag.
And she's got the kid to prove it.
So the Bugatti, getting back to it.
And the ostrich.
Where, like, a Bugatti can go, like, whatever.
240 fucking miles an hour, 30 miles an hour.
Whatever it is.
If you were to go somewhere where you could drive that fast for 15 minutes.
Or 20 minutes or whatever.
You just floored it.
The tires get so hot, you'd have no tires left, like, after 17 minutes.
But the car would run out of gas in, like, 14 minutes.
So they prevent you from doing something stupid.
And that, my friends, is what all that math you took in high school.
You're like, dude, I'm never going to fucking use this.
That's what it's for.
All that physics shit you never used.
Chemistry.
All of that.
Although those nerds that excelled at that eventually got hired at a company.
And they used physics, chemistry, and high school, all that mathematics shit.
I don't know how to apply any of it.
I would think the chemistry is what the tires made up with.
The physics, the friction, all of that shit.
The aerodynamics.
See, if you're like me, the only way to figure that out is to get in the car
and do it.
All right?
These fucking nerds can sit down with a pencil, a piece of paper, and no
friends and figure out, they can guess what's going to happen.
That's the levels of smart they are.
I know you think you're smart because you can name every head coach in the NFL.
All right?
But what truly makes you smart is when you can, like, predict the future with a
pencil and a piece of paper.
And a graduated cylinder.
Like, who even knows what the fuck those are for?
I mean, whenever I saw a graduated cylinder, all I thought was, like, I'm doing
some shots tonight.
That's what I thought.
Where a nerd looked at it and was like, that is used to measure whatever the
fuck I'm doing to try to predict the future.
But anyways, a Bugatti would run out of gas in, like, 15 minutes.
So that's kind of what happens with, I guess, animals that are super fast.
They can operate.
Like, I think with the ostrich, it's like the fucking cheetah runs out of gas
in, like, two minutes.
And they don't run out of gas for, like, five minutes.
So they're just gone.
It's incredible to watch.
And, I don't know, after a while, you start rooting for the predator.
And I can tell you this.
There's a reason why ostriches can run that fast.
It's because they don't know how to fight.
Okay.
They got T-Rex arms, except their wings.
All right.
And once they get grabbed by their neck, it's just they don't have any neck
strength.
So they can't pick the predator up.
It just goes down, and then their stupid body just, like, tips over.
You know?
You ever see a tall, white, trash woman that is still drinking like she's in
her 20s, in her 50s?
That's the kind of body an ostrich has.
You know?
The only thing that's missing is fucking yoga pants.
I love people who wear yoga pants that don't do yoga.
You know?
Or fat guys that wear sweatpants that don't go to the gym.
You know?
And I think as a clothing maker, you have to understand that once you go past a
certain size in gym wear,
you're like, this person is not going to the gym.
Just, they can't get jeans that are comfortable, and now they're doing that.
All right.
Did it have to go there, Bill?
Does it, does all, do all comedy roads lead to fat shaming?
I don't know.
I have no idea.
Anyway, I've been listening to a bunch of music here.
Some stuff I gotta, I gotta tell you guys about.
I discovered this amazing, amazing singer-songwriter.
Daniel Caesar.
And I discovered him through this song, Who Knows.
Of course, Nia had like this, you know, she puts this YouTube channel on where
DJs are just playing music and shit.
And like, this DJ was playing this song and it caught my ear.
I'm like, oh my God, I'm getting like Brian Wilson vibes in the chorus.
What is going on here?
And just that alone, I like downloaded the song and then I read the lyrics and
I was like, holy shit.
This guy is unbelievable.
Daniel Caesar.
Who knows?
Download that.
And then I want to hear your theories of what you think that song's about
because I have a hundred of them.
What I love about the song, it's about, on the surface, why don't you guys just
stop the podcast and listen to the song for a second and then come back.
All right, I'll wait.
All right, you're back.
You hit pause.
You're back.
It's a miracle, you know.
And I'm still right here.
Didn't miss a step.
On the surface, it's a guy who's like, feels like he's in over his head with a
woman, right?
Like, she's beyond me.
She's unattainable.
I don't know if I can sustain this.
I'm probably going to fuck it up.
So on the surface level, I feel like it's a guy who doesn't love himself.
So he doesn't know how to love this woman who clearly loves him.
And he's going to project all of his, how he feels about himself onto her.
And then he's going to manifest what he's afraid of that she is going to dump
him.
But in the end, he loves her more than anything.
And he loves that he loves her.
And he wants to marry her.
But in his head, he doesn't think that he's worth being, you know, getting
married to.
And she's going to get tired of that.
Once the honeymoon phase is of loving somebody, if they're just constantly
beating themselves up,
and then you got to, you got to, you know, you only have so much in your
battery pack every day.
If you got to keep picking somebody up, that's going to get old after a while.
So that's what it is on the surface.
But I'm looking at it, like how this guy feels.
What I love about it is man or woman or a they, you can feel that way at any
moment in a relationship.
When you first met somebody, when you get serious, when you're married, when
you're in a decade, two with them.
You can feel like you're not worthy of them, you know, if your self-esteem is
like on the precipice there, right?
But then there's another part of it where you could also look at this song.
And this is a guy dealing with a woman he's been with for a while.
And they're in some sort of postpartum perimenopause, many menopause.
One of those changes that women go through in a hormone sense where you have no
idea.
It seems from one hour to the next, from one day to the next, what you're going
to, what you're going to be getting.
So the song starts off where he's like, I'll probably be a waste of your time,
but who knows?
Chances are I'll step out of line, but who knows?
So on face value, you read that like, you know, I'm probably going to fuck this
up.
But like when you look at it through a different lens of the woman you're with
is going through some sort of hormonal change is like, you know,
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know I'm going to do something wrong.
Or maybe sh