Name: the Playoffs, Life Insurance, Being An Executor | Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-26 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2026-01-19T19:15:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Playoffs, Life Insurance, Being An Executor | Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Playoffs, Life Insurance, Being An Executor | Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-19. Transcript available.

the Playoffs, Life Insurance, Being An Executor | Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-26 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast.
For Monday, January 19th, 2026. What's going on? How are ya?
Oh, Jesus. Drink me. Throw the fucking ball away, brother. Just throw it away.
Watching the Pats right now. End of the third quarter, 21 to 16.
I got to do the podcast while I watch because I'm losing my fucking mind.
I can't handle this. I will say this, as much as it was hard to watch the Patriots
the last few years,
you know, it was nice to not have to worry about having a heart attack during
the playoffs
because we weren't in them. They could just sit here and enjoy it and not be
emotionally invested.
This has been an ugly game. This has been an ugly game. Halftime. Jesus Christ.
Could they trash CJ Stroud anymore? Guy threw four interceptions. No, he didn't.
There were four interceptions. One of them was tipped at the line.
Okay? That's not throwing an interception. That's a tip fucking ball. It's not
like he threw it to
somebody. And then another one, he fucking throws it to that 87, his tight end,
whoever the fuck that
hits him. It hits him right in the hands and the guy tips it up in the air like
he's setting somebody up for a spike in volleyball.
And I'll tell you what. Oh, I'll tell you. I'll tell you right now.
I will tell you what. With all of these new fucking stats out there, yaks,
yards after catch and all of this shit.
Like, I don't think quarterbacks, I don't think that that should go against
them. When you throw it to a wide receiver and it hits them in the fucking
hands.
I don't mean slightly overthrown. I mean a ball that should be caught. Maybe
that's why they don't do it because, you know, how do you decide that?
That's like, did he or did he not make a football move, which I will get to
with that fucking debacle of a call, that makeup call.
I have a theory of that on that fucking Bills-Broncos game.
But if, you know, if you throw it to your receiver, he's a professional, he's
supposed to catch it.
If it hits him in the hands, like, you know, you threw it on the floor, hands
of fucking stone, and it flies.
Who is that stupid reporter with that serious look on his face during that
goddamn commercial?
Like, he's actually fighting the battle with his bulletproof vest on.
You know what's so dumb about a bulletproof vest? What about your head?
I understand your head is a smaller target, so people aim center mass.
But, you know, I always looked at that like, you know, your head is the hard
drive.
All right? Your chest is sort of, you know, I know there's a lot of important
shit in there.
But you can get shot in the chest, and you can still, you know, stumble a few
feet.
You get shot in the head, that's it. It's fucking over.
Why don't they have a bulletproof vest for your head?
It's like motorcycle riding.
You can buy a vest now that's an airbag, but nothing for your legs?
It's just such like a corporate cunty thing to do.
Like, let's get them to buy the fucking one for their torso first,
and then eventually we'll get the one for their head.
Although, I remember back in the day, back in the day when I was young, I'm not
a kid anymore,
two fucking lunatics robbed the Bank of America in the Valley.
I got a buddy of mine, you know, totally grew up here in L.A.
It was the most L.A. things ever.
I was like, dude, I drove by that Bank of America where that big shootout
happened back in the day,
and he's like, dude, that was my bank!
Total fucking Valley guy.
Anyway, and that's like a catchphrase now between us.
Whenever, like, you know, somebody brings up something that the other guy
already knows about,
that's what you say now.
Dude, that was my bank!
Anyway, those guys had full-body armor.
Full-body armor.
I always wondered if...
That's a flag!
That's a fucking flag!
There you go!
There you go!
Bouté!
Interfered with!
Anyway, they had the full armor.
Like, head to toe, they had the skates guards, they could block shots,
they could do whatever the fuck you wanted to do,
and the only way that...
They ended up getting killed.
One of the guys killed himself.
It was fucking insane.
It was like that movie Heat,
except it was in the Valley,
and it was real,
and those two fucking assholes,
because of what they did,
now the cops have, like, the same weaponry
as, like,
you know, the military,
in a lot of ways.
Because these assholes,
Robin Banks,
escalated to that.
But then,
you know,
you know the cops,
they don't work for us,
they work for them.
So now they have these...
You're just setting it up for a police state.
So I think
that both of those guys
were CIA plants,
and they really didn't kill each other.
They killed themselves.
Or get killed by the cops.
That's what I think.
I'm gonna throw that out there,
because it's the internet, right?
And you can just say anything.
You can say anything,
and then somebody takes it,
and they'll have, like...
They'll quote this as fact,
but not say who said it.
They'll just say sources.
And that's how it starts.
And next thing you know,
what are you doing?
What are you doing?
You're fucking...
You're digging a doomsday hole in the ground.
I always love that.
Those people who build, like, fucking...
You know what my doomsday plan is?
Is to get killed.
To die at peak civilization.
That's what the fuck I want to do.
I don't want to fucking live underground,
and then fucking come back up,
eating radioactive squirrels
when I run out of canned fucking tuna
a year and a half later.
Dude, I don't know what people think
that they're doing
when they come out of the ground.
Touchdown!
One-handed motherfucking catch!
Woo!
Boote!
There you go, baby!
There you go!
Holy fucking shit!
What a goddamn catch that was!
Un-fucking-believable!
Oh, he brought the other hand in
at the last second.
I'm telling you, dude.
Like, these fucking kids,
the level of athleticism...
Don't even say that touched the ground
and he didn't fucking control it,
you fucking cunts!
I swear to God,
if you do this.
Don't do this!
Yeah, that is a catch.
Cut!
Touchdown!
I have the sound down.
I can only imagine...
Did he make a football move
when he fucking rolled over?
Anyway, speaking of which,
how about that makeup call
for Sean Payton
when they...
That fucking call
at the end of the game
where they somehow...
Oh my God,
they're showing it again.
This means they're fucking...
Oh, he has it.
That's 100%
a touchdown,
except nowadays.
Nowadays,
that all sports teams
are now sportsbooks
and they're in business
with Vegas.
This right now,
they're calling Las Vegas
and now they're showing
you fried chicken.
This is how it works.
You know,
eat the poison,
forget what you just saw,
let us manipulate it.
I'll tell you right now,
the CIA runs the NFL,
okay?
I mean,
this is just right...
I mean,
false flags right there.
That was not...
Sorry.
Anyway,
the end of that...
the overtime game
of the Bills.
I haven't watched the game,
okay?
But I saw the overtime.
All right?
I got kids,
so I can watch one game
a weekend,
so I watch...
I watch my Patriots.
That fucking play
where it went from
a catch to an interception,
if anyone can explain
that to me...
Josh Allen
throws it to his receiver,
the fucking guy
catches it,
lands on the ground
with the DB
touching him.
So he's down by contact,
or if you want to say
he ripped it out
as he was on the ground,
he didn't have it long enough,
there wasn't a football move
when he fell to the ground,
then it's no catch.
It's either no catch
or down by contact.
But how the Denver guy
can be on the ground
with him
touching the other receiver,
ripped the ball away,
and then that is his.
I don't understand that.
Unless what they're saying
is as he came down,
the ball was bobbling,
bobbling, bobbling,
which it didn't look like it.
And then he pulled it out,
and like the Bills guy
never had control of it,
and then the other guy did,
and the ball never
touched the ground,
so that's why
it's an interception.
What I think it is,
is they owed Sean Payton
for that fucking horrific
no call of a pass interference
when he was coaching the Saints,
and they went ahead
and they made it up.
And I'm not going to lie to you,
when the Bills hit that field goal,
it didn't go wide right
at the end of regulation.
I thought that they were
going to win the game,
and my condolences
to Buffalo Bills fans,
and just Buffalo fans
in fucking general.
Okay?
I don't know,
like,
in my heart of hearts,
I think the NFL
doesn't like that
there's a team
in Buffalo,
and they just want it to move,
and they just keep
doing this shit to you.
Well,
I don't know,
you guys haven't been
fucked by the refs,
you get your asses kicked
four years in a row,
well,
wide right.
I forget the Redskins game,
and then the Dallas games
were just fucking debacles.
But,
that fucking
1999 man in the crease,
and they didn't call,
they called it all year,
I just will never
understand that.
I feel like
every 20 years,
when there's
a Stanley Cup final,
there's just something
fucking egregious
that happens.
So,
1999,
Dallas Stars
are in the fucking crease,
they don't fucking call it,
for whatever goddamn reason.
Why do they keep
showing that?
I swear to God.
They're showing the play again.
We kicked the extra point,
it's over.
Now are they saying
good things?
Look at this guy,
I can't believe it.
Oh my God,
I should have bet the over!
Anyway,
was that his true reaction?
That looked like a commercial.
for how exciting
NFL football is.
Anyway,
what the hell
was I talking about?
What was I even
chatting about here?
Um,
what the fuck
was I talking about?
Oh,
I was talking about
the Sean Payton thing,
like the fucking makeup.
I just don't understand
that call.
Oh,
I was talking about
every 20 years
in the Stanley Cup.
So 20 years after that,
the Bruins play
the St. Louis Blues.
And we'd been penalized
for playing hockey
for the better part
of 10 years.
So we came up
with the Olympic
finesse hockey team
that the NFL acted
like they wanted to have.
And then the Blues
showed up
playing Bruins hockey,
running our goaltender.
They didn't call anything.
And the Blues beat
the Bruins
playing Bruins hockey.
I mean,
God bless,
you know,
I'm happy for St. Louis.
And I also,
I love the Blues.
Um,
I kind of have a thing
for the Expansion 7.
I've always liked
all those teams.
Um,
except for the Penguins.
I don't like the Penguins
because they took
the Bruins colors.
They forfeited them.
And then we wore them
forever.
And then they came back
and just took them.
Well,
they came back
as baby blue
and then they,
then they took them.
And then also like,
just their,
their brand of hockey
over there
with the,
the amount of like,
just fucking,
can we stop the run
today,
people?
Um,
their brand of hockey
of just blowing out
guys' knees
and fucking,
you know,
waiting for them
to follow through
on shots
and,
you know,
doing the Scott Stevens hits.
Like,
I don't know.
It's just,
it's just,
it's gross.
And then on top of that,
you put those assholes
in your ring of honor
and then you bitch moan
and complain
about fucking Sidney Crosby.
It's,
you know,
the way people treat him.
You know,
I'm more of a
Washington Capitals guy
and I always liked
the Flyers
because I,
I just immediately,
I always liked the fights
and they were the
Broad Street bullies
and what was funny
about them
is they won
back-to-back cups
in 74,
75
and they were just like,
this is,
this is,
this is how we got there
and this is how we're playing.
They finally have stopped
doing that.
I mean,
the whole league has,
oh no,
the underthrown ball
pass interference.
They didn't call it.
Thank God.
Thank God.
That fucking play,
there's another one
that is bullshit
in the NFL.
They rewarded,
maybe that's the balance.
If a wide receiver
tips a ball
for an interception,
they call it,
you know,
he gets the interference,
I mean,
he gets the,
the interception,
the quarterback does,
but if you underthrow
a fucking football,
Jesus,
there's,
there's,
that's pass interference
right there.
We got away with that one.
Well,
you know,
they got away
with a false s