Name: Garage Doors, Rulers, The Future | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-22-26 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2026-01-23T21:02:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Garage Doors, Rulers, The Future | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-22-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Garage Doors, Rulers, The Future | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-22-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-01-23. Transcript available.

Garage Doors, Rulers, The Future | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-22-26 | Bill Burr

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you oh what's going on how's
your week going
how you doing are you starting fights with everybody in the fucking world like
this
country seems to be doing why are we doing this i don't watch the news anymore
that's all i'm
hearing all of europe wants to fight us now is that true we're trying to take
greenland
for what for what what does he want to put a golf course up there you want to
go get the oil
is greenland a threat to us what are they doing now it's unreal it's unreal i
can't tell you this
having traveled the world um one of the moves that a leader likes to do when
they don't know what
they're doing is just constantly be starting fires that way all the people are
just watching the fire
trucks go down the street and they're looking at the fire and they never look
at him that's what's
going on that's what i think's going on or it's a narcissist dealing with you
know they're at the
end of the road and the one thing a narcissist can't deal with is their own
mortality um which
has got to be infuriating for them so it's just like well you know if i'm gonna
pass on
you know i'm taking everybody with me these people are gonna remember me it's
unreal it's really ironic
that all of the people that are really you know that started this whole fucking
alligator alcatraz
thing it's literally the people that should be in it you know the people that
want to take greenland
the people that are behind all of these false flag things they're the ones that
should be in it
that's not you know i don't know but that's not how it works it's just they
wearing the right color
tie then i fucking buy into what you're saying as long as the ties the color of
my team
insane insane we have literally not had somebody that had the ability to give a
speech as our leader
in in a way that wasn't embarrassing since fucking it's almost been 10 years it's
almost been 10 years
i don't understand it i think the new the new like qualification to be
president democrat or
republican is you you in no way shape or form can have all your faculties um
anyway we got to get somebody young republican or democrat we got to get
somebody young
in the white house somebody that's actually going to have to deal with the ramifications
of their decisions that would be nice but like that's still i mean the reality
is is
the corruption is just the robber baron shit that is going on right now
and they got everybody looking at illegal immigrants while these assholes are
just firing everybody and
then taking the fired people's salary as their bonus at the end of the year
and giant conglomerates are buying up other giant conglomerates and somehow
they're not considered a monopoly
it's just it's it's really it's you know it's a fascinating thing
speaking of fascinating um i told you guys that i've been you know really
working on myself and i hadn't lost my temper
i finally uh lost my temper it finally happened but you know it wasn't
you know nuclear the way it used to be it's just i've been having a problem
with my garage door
and i got my drums in there and i have a show coming up where i got to play
three songs and
for the life of me i can't get anybody to fix this garage door so it works for
longer than two or three
days first it was the coils then it was the motor then it was this then it's
that and it just keeps
coming down hitting the ground and then immediately going back up again i don't
know what the fuck's
going on it's outside my area of expertise and i finally had an afternoon off
where i could go out
and rehearse what i needed to rehearse and when doggone it wouldn't you know it
so i lost my shit for about three seconds and then i stopped and was like i don't
want to do this
and i stopped
and then that's it someone will come over here they'll fix it i'll play good
that night i still
have time it's just frustrating that's it and then i move on as opposed to the
old me that would have
put my foot through the fucking garage door and uh thrown a few things and i
would be in the garage
and they would have been able to hear me in the house so don't want to do uh
don't i just don't
want to do that shit anymore so um but i'm not going to beat myself up i mean
anger is also a valid
emotion however it is not the only emotion nor is it the only option so
occasionally i was kind of
view in anger like the way i viewed quitting drinking like if i ever lost my
temper again that means i had
a drink i got to start over again but like i would think four attempts to fix a
garage door and you
have the pressure of a gig coming up and it doesn't work is probably a time
where you're going to lose
your cool a little bit but like i said it wasn't even it wasn't even 20 seconds
and as it was happening
i was like don't do this don't do this don't do this don't do this so it wasn't
able to uh
spill over the sides and have half the street hear it so i am happy about that
um anyway so i am going
to have setbacks as you know it's not an episode of dr phil where it's just
like you need to stop
yelling thank you philip and then i'm done it's gonna be a uh a work in
progress so um anyways plowing ahead
my boston bruins dude had won seven of eight had a great win in chicago uh
everybody contributing
all four lines um speaking of the fourth line number 47 in your play uh your
playbook mark
kastelik had a great steal went in alone just picked this the pocket of this
defenseman just
took it right away from him then and then fought off the defenseman
as he went in alone faked out the goalie and i believe backhand top shelf
really nice goal
um but then we went to dallas last night and that that was an ugly game but you
have those
i don't know i think chicago and dallas are two really fun cities at least they
have been for me
so i think if your team has like you know a tuesday thursday or a monday wednesday
or something like
that sunday tuesday chicago dallas or dallas chicago you should probably bet
against your team on the
second game because chances are um like i don't know if they went out after the
chicago game or
they just had a stinker root but anyway we ended up we've down six to nothing
at one point
and we scored two late ones uh morgan geeky got one which is great and uh fraser
minton so our third
line got us two goals towards the end to make it a little bit respectable but
uh you know there's a lot
a lot of things to like on this team um that marat husnadinov number 92 the
left wing on the first line
who i had no idea how to pronounce his name till finally i just looked it up so
k-n-u-s
you know k-h sorry k-h-u-s i guess wherever he's from the k is silent so it's
hus nadinov
marat husnadinov but he's having a um a career year playing on the same line of
david posternock so
that's been like really fun to watch and uh you know there's a lot of guys on
the team that are
are just solid grinders you know what i mean um and who knows if geeky gets
going again
um you know because i think he was playing on the second line earlier this year
so now he's on the
third line i don't know it gives more ice time so to some other guys i have no
fucking idea all i
know is i'm enjoying the hell out of watching them they got the vegas nights
next this is like the
old days if you listen to this podcast a long time ago before i had kids i used
to fucking watch every
game it was easy they come on at 4 4 30 the east coast game five o'clock for
the midwest game
the west coast games were the only tough ones because i would have spots or
whatever
so um but i've been having a uh i've been having a fucking great time
watching them and because i've been watching sports now my kids that's all they
do is play sports
and what's even better is they play sports with each other when i'm not even
out there they play catch
they do the home run thing and all of that and they're really into baseball my
son's really into
football now too you know he's got this tom brady jersey like you put it in the
hamper he takes it
out he just wants to keep wearing it and yeah he pulls his socks up over his
jeans and then he takes
like stickers and he puts them underneath his eyes so it's like the black you
know the ink ink whatever
the fuck you call that shit that they put on and he just dresses up the whole
part and then like
he runs around the living room and uh i play on my knees and i just i stiff-armed
him like one time
and he immediately he just picks shit up next time he's stiff-arming me and i
had to tell him like
dude not in the face not in the face just chest is okay buddy and um like he
loves it and the other
day i was up you know like it's the easiest way to spend time with your kids is
playing sports with
them playing catch you can really like shoot the breeze and talk about anything
and they're really
kind of open to talk about stuff you know because they're distracted throwing
right and um
so i was getting ready to pitch to my son
and my daughter has has an ipad that she's only allowed to use on the weekends
um and then we take it away and she can't have it five days a week but you know
it is the future
they gotta know what the hell it is right and uh so she had it was the weekend
and she had her ipad
out there and she was playing walk-up music for when my son was coming up to
bed
and it was every bit as adorable as uh as it sounds so um that aspect of my
life has been going great
the home light is great my stand-up is great and uh but as far as like i don't
know these friggin
guys and i just don't mean the people in the white house i mean the
corporations the way they dictate
out where our military goes and everything it's just like out of control and i
don't understand
how long people think that this country is going to behave like this before a
bunch of people aren't
going to gang up on us and tell us to settle the fuck down because we've been
doing this for a while
and now it's just getting like it's brazen behavior
i feel like we're acting like you know that i always use this as a reference
you know that like
the first guy steven seagal beats the shit out of in a movie it's always like a
nameless character
and they're always just like a dick just to be a dick
like hey ponytail nice fucking shirt how about i come down there and fucking
kick you right in the
balls like for no reason no reason the guy just comes in there and some guy
just has to start because
they have to they have to like it's so funny like we don't know that steven seagal
is going to beat
the shit out of everybody they just have to show to establish his character
um i feel like we're behaving like that at this point with this asinine greenland
shit
um
yeah it's the whole thing is it's just the whole thing is just bizarre
gulf of mexico is now called gulf of america like this whole like
i don't know white people acting like they don't have power and need to take
something back i just i
i really do not as a white guy i don't align with the put upon white person
um
unless you're looking at the white people that are doing it to you who are then
blaming non-white
people if you could just stop believing that lie and maybe look at the people
telling you
that should you should you should be upset with maybe you could maybe uh
enlighten yourself
and actually figure out what's really going on
or as much as you can because i'm not going to sit here and act like i know
what's going on i i do know that you know
i do know that when somebody's taking more than they should they they always
got to point fingers
at everybody else so that's what they that's the deal they you they get you
watching the fire
engine going down the street as they go light another fire
uh so anyway with that with that um
college football season is now over and we only have two more weeks of football
like i don't know
how a professional football i don't know how this happens every year
and and i really just think 