Name: Spiritual Whores, Birds, Cleo's Legacy | Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-26 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2026-02-02T20:11:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spiritual Whores, Birds, Cleo's Legacy | Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spiritual Whores, Birds, Cleo's Legacy | Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-02. Transcript available.

Spiritual Whores, Birds, Cleo's Legacy | Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-26 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, February 2nd, 2026.
Good Lord, I forgot what year it was. What's going on? How are ya? How's it
going? How's things in your world?
Just so you know, do you have a game plan? Like, what are you going to do with
your day-to-day?
I love those fucking self-help people. You know, they act like they're trying
to, like, you know, improve your life.
And the first thing they do is they bring stress into it. Seizing the day. To
do what? Why am I seizing the day?
What, like ice? Am I taking the day and throwing it in a van and shooting
somebody's unarmed mother and then saying,
fucking bitch, is that what I'm doing? Is that what I'm doing to the day? Am I
seizing it?
Why can't I just sort of enjoy it? Where the fuck are you going with your seizing
your day, Mr. Spiritual?
Look at you. You're so spiritual, you had to write a book about it.
You ever think about that?
This guy's like fucking, or this lady, you know, or the they who writes the
book is being all fucking spiritual and everything.
But it's like, no, you went out. You went out and got a book deal.
You somehow took spirituality.
You know, I'm above all this capitalism, communism, whatever the fuck you live
in.
You're above all of this shit.
And you're just going to tap into the universe, man, right?
And you're just sort of, like, breaking down the walls of the matrix.
Floating along the top of it.
Living your best life, right?
Getting above the lies.
Above the lies and below the flies.
Chapter 3. Hear me out.
This thing, somewhere along the line, these spiritual whores, and that's what
they are.
Because if you're just spiritual, that's all you would be.
You wouldn't, in the middle of it, be like, you know what?
This is a fucking book.
I can sell this.
And then all of a sudden, you got, like, deadlines you got to meet when you got
to bring your first draft in on how to be spiritual and be, you know.
What did I just say?
That's the name of the book.
Above the Lies and Below the Flies.
Like, what does that even mean?
It almost sounds like it means something.
That's what you get.
It doesn't quite make sense.
So that makes you pick up the book.
And then I'm on the cover.
And I got some douchey, like, really soft sweater.
One of those sweaters that could also double as a blanket.
You know?
So I seem like I'm unassuming.
You know?
I act like I'm fucking one with people.
Even though I make, like, children or whatever the fuck they manufacture the
book.
They make the children work for nothing.
There's a few of them out there.
They, like, get right in people's faces.
They start screaming and yelling at them.
Like that nine-foot goof.
Whatever the hell that guy's name is.
He's, like, a giant good-looking guy.
It's like if you took John Davidson and you made him nine feet tall.
You know?
And then he yells at you like a fucking NFL coach after you fucked up the play.
Changed it at the line of scrimmage and it didn't work and you turned the ball
over.
What the fuck is that, guys?
Tony Robbins.
You ever seen that guy?
Screaming at trailer park people.
The fuck is wrong with you?
I always look at the people in the crowd thinking, like, haven't they been
through enough?
I wonder if they need this giant, this fucking avatar, John Davidson coming out.
Man, I'm going to continue to say John Davidson until you guys look up and
figure out who the fuck he is.
I want to say he was on That's Incredible.
That's Incredible are real people.
In my head, both those shows, there was a lot of overlap.
You know, like Barney Miller and Phish.
They did a lot of spinoffs back in the day.
Everybody keeps, you know, back in the day it was called a spinoff.
Now they just do a reboot.
It's like, yeah, we're just going to do that over again.
Back in the day, you moved the characters forward because there was still grass
out there in the fields.
You know?
Now I think we've just told every story, so now we've just got to re...
You know that part in a relationship where your wife or your girlfriend's heard
all your stories?
And you know they have, she knows that you know, and you start to tell the
story again.
And you just see it.
You just see her slowly slipping away.
And then, you know, there comes a move.
Now, what do we do?
We either got to break up.
We got to have a kid.
We got to move this thing forward.
We can't keep rebooting this relationship with my fucking same old stories.
And if I have to listen to you one more time, talk about how your favorite
fucking class and whatever the hell it was, and how you want to get back to it.
Whatever the fuck you were doing.
Whatever the hell you were doing back there in your college days.
A lot of sirens outside the window today.
That sounds like a chase.
You live out here long enough, you know the difference between, like, you know,
they're responding to domestic violence or if they're actively chasing someone
down the street.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard that, and then I just put on the
news.
You hear them coming, and you put on the news, and they have, like, the live
chase, and the shit goes right by your fucking house.
I think, like, I'm acting like that happens every week.
I've been out here for almost 20 years.
That's happened, like, three times, though.
One of them times, a guy fucking died, and I saw the dude drive by.
I didn't see the guy.
I saw the car go by.
And I think people do that a lot.
Once they get fucking cornered, they're just like, why did I do that?
Why don't I just pull over?
And they just keep going.
Well, now I'm just going to stay in the car.
Now I'm going to act like I'm reaching for something.
Just have them fucking kill me, and I just won't go to jail.
Suicide by cop, I believe they call that.
Suicide by cop when we return.
Bill, you have a new book out, Above the Lies and Below the Flies.
Talk about that.
What is that?
You know what?
I got to tell you, it doesn't mean anything, but it sounds like it does.
And I got a new sweater deal, and I'm just out here taking money from all you
bitches,
because as much as I'm fucking acting like living a spiritual lifestyle is the
way to go,
I'm going to make a bunch of money off of this book, and I'm just going to go
buy a bunch of
shit I don't need, because I'm actually not spiritual.
I'm trying to fill it up with stuff.
Now, this is why you know that story was bullshit, because I just said, I'm
going to make a bunch
of money off this book.
Nobody makes a bunch of money off of anything anymore in this business, except
for the two
fucking nerds at the top.
You know why?
Because the business is shrinking.
That's what they say.
The business is shrinking.
Are they saying that to you guys?
Yeah, it's shrinking into your fucking back pocket, you greedy cunt.
I'm really, oh man, you ever just look out a fucking window, and it's like the
most gorgeous
view you've ever seen in your life, but there's a giant bird shit right on the
window?
Hi, everybody.
I'm Bill Burr, author of Above the Lies and Below the Flies, and I'm here to
tell you that
that is what life is.
Life isn't a perfect view out a hotel window, okay?
The view is perfect, but there's going to be some bird shit, okay?
And rather than looking away from the bird shit, I want you to do something
different, okay?
Just hear me out.
I'd like you to look into the bird shit and see life through that prism.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but that had to be at least three pages
of bullshit.
You ever think those guys just do that shit, those spiritual guys?
They're like active, in like an active toxic relationship themselves as they
give you life
advice, and they just sit there, and they got a staring at a blank page, and
they got
fucking leaning back in the chair, looking up at the ceiling, trying to think
how they
can just keep spinning this fucking pizza dough.
They come in at about 180, 190 pages, so they can make this money.
Go to Vegas, buy some coke, get some whores, go to the sphere, see the eagles,
you know?
And then meanwhile, what are you doing?
You're sitting there, and you're fucking jams, right?
Going through a breakup, reading this guy's bullshit.
And you're like, I got to be more like this guy with this soft fucking sweater.
You don't even realize that when you're reading it, all right?
He's eating some hooker's ass right outside of Circus Circus.
I'm sorry, people.
I didn't mean to bring that level of reality to the podcast this early, but I
just feel
like I have a social responsibility in times like this.
How the fuck did the bird even shit on this thing?
It was like a drive-by shitting.
Like he must have flown at the window last second at a 180, but it's going down.
It's going down, man.
Better clear out.
The shit's going down.
It goes down the window.
Wow, they shit all over these windows.
You know what?
I bet there was a nice tree here before they put this fucking thing up.
It's just sort of a rite of passage for these birds to come by and just shit
all over it.
You know?
What are your feelings on birds?
Some of them are cool.
Some of them are dirty, man.
Dirty ass fucking birds.
It's those dirty ass birds.
Like what's your top five birds?
You know?
Like backed into a corner.
Gun to your head.
As Paul Verza likes to say.
Top five birds.
All right.
I'm going to go five down to one.
All right.
I'm going to go with the dove.
Not because it represents peace.
Just because it looks clean.
You know what I mean?
I don't know how that bird keeps that clean, but like it's doing something
right.
So I feel like that bird is an adult.
So that's somebody number five.
Okay.
I don't think it represents peace.
I think we projected that onto the bird.
Rather than looking at our own bullshit while we keep having these false flag
wars.
They're also big into magic.
I don't know.
But I feel like that's forced.
There's a lot of doves in magic.
When you think it's alive at the last second, they grab it by the legs and slam
it down on the table.
Or is that rabbits?
I can't remember.
I can't remember.
All right.
My next number four is a vulture.
Because it's an ugly, red-headed bastard.
So I relate to it.
You know?
And, you know, nobody's really picking it.
And it's just got to kind of hang around.
And when all the fucking cool shit is done eating, then it fucking comes in.
Do you know why a vulture has a bald head like me?
It's a bald ginger.
Bald, ugly ginger.
Just like me.
Do you know why?
It doesn't have any fucking feathers on top of its head.
Because they're eating carcasses.
And it's a way, like, all the vermin and the shit that's already, like, the
maggots and all of that stuff.
When it's eating it, it gets on its head.
But there's no feathers.
So the sun kills all those germs and the bird doesn't get sick.
Something like that.
Something like that.
I don't know.
Somebody told me that one time when I was drinking behind a library.
You know?
That never happened.
But whatever.
I figure what the fuck I found out about it.
I always have these fucking apartment complexes.
They always have, like, in the middle.
In the middle is like a pool.
So you can never enjoy it.
Because there's all these balconies.
And everybody's looking down at the pool.
And you're in the pool.
And you're trying to get in shape.
But you're afraid to do the butterfly.
You want to try it.
But you just know that chick that you know you're not going to bang.
But your ego says you have a shot.
Might be watching.
So you don't try it.
So what do you do?
You just keep doing the breaststroke.
And it seeps into your life.
You stop growing as a person.
You know, in Chapter 5 of Above the Lies and Below the Flies,
I talk about having the courage to attempt a breaststroke in an apartment
complex with a chick.
You want to bang who isn't even there.
But your head says she is.
But you know you're not going to bang her.
But your ego says you're going to.
I teach you the tools on how to land that woman.
If you just read my book by Chapter 8,