Name: Files, L.A. Rain, Hurling | Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-26 | Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2026-02-17T18:07:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Files, L.A. Rain, Hurling | Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Files, L.A. Rain, Hurling | Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-26 | Bill Burr' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-17. Transcript available.

Files, L.A. Rain, Hurling | Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-26 | Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, February 16, 2026. What's going on? How are ya? How's it
going? Ah, geez there. How's it going for you and your world? It's a rainy day.
It never rains in California.
I was just out to breakfast. You wouldn't believe this. I went out to breakfast,
don't you see? And I got myself a cup of coffee. All right. Actually walked by,
there was a table of firefighters sitting there. And it was raining out and I
so wanted to be the Geico dad. Not a lot of work for you guys today, huh?
Some firefighter's going to run in. Oh, actually, with the amount of accidents
and power lines. I know, I know. You never get a day off. And everybody thanks
ya.
Everybody always thanking the fucking first responders. What about the brain
surgeons? One slip of the knife. Right? One little fuck up.
Sitting on fucking $400,000 of school loans. You got that running through your
head.
As you're fucking rooting around the fucking hypothalamus. Well, how come
nobody ever thanks brain surgeons?
I just want to thank my podiatrist.
Just let's just take a second here to thank all the podiatrists out there.
Why don't we just take time out to salute the real heroes? The proctologist is
out there, okay?
Now, this isn't something people like to talk about, but you know, you can have
a lot of problems in your ass and goddammit, somebody has to go in there and
look around.
It's a thankless job.
You went to medical school.
Everybody is, you know, wants to marry a fucking doctor.
Then you got the lonely podiatrist sitting on the fucking sofa.
I'm a doctor too.
Doctor of your ass.
Right?
No woman's gonna drop her last name.
I don't care how much stinky finger Magoo is making over there.
You would think that every once in a while an athlete could thank a fucking podiatrist.
Nope, it's always cops, firemen, fucking coast guard, first responders.
Just want to thank all the first responders out there.
What about where they bring all those people?
They bring them to the doctors and they're sitting, I got to put this back
together?
Nobody's thanking me.
You know?
I mean, do you know how much hand sanitizer I have?
I haven't eaten a sandwich since my sophomore year of fucking medical school.
There's not a fork and a knife, I ain't eat it.
Oh, shit.
You know, I was going to give all glory to God and I want to thank all the whores
out there.
You know?
Coming to Vegas during the conventions.
Anyway.
Anyway.
I have to plug back into the news because just half the shit I'm hearing about
these Epstein files,
I have to get, I just, I tapped out years ago.
I have to get back in.
And I, because I just want to hear all these super racist fucking people
who think the problem in this country is all of these illegal immigrants.
They're eating, they're eating the dogs.
Oh yeah, what are you eating, buddy?
What are you doing on your weekends?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Is that the end game?
Like, I just want to talk to all the fucking racists out there.
As you sit there pointing the finger at all these other racists of people, okay?
What do you think of this Epstein Island shit?
That these billionaires, soon to be trillionaires,
went to a fucking island to bang 12-year-olds.
Like, all of these politicians, these fucking philanthropists, fucking billionaires
and shit,
like, bunch of white guys.
Bunch of fucking white guys.
Now, where are all these people where they're sitting there talking about all
these other
races are a bunch of violent people and they're ruining our city and they didn't
get the fuck
out of this country.
They should go fucking back where they came.
All of that shit.
Now, what do you think of your own fucking people?
And furthermore, what if the handful of fucking billionaire white guys that
went down there
and did those horrible fucking things, what if you were then judged by that?
What if it wasn't compartmentalized?
What if it was just white people?
I literally, I just, I don't know what the fuck has to happen for people to
finally wake up
and look up instead of looking down.
I was just out to breakfast having a cup of coffee and, like, just listening to
people.
This woman was just, like, shitting on fucking her own country.
Called New Jersey a suburb state.
And I'm thinking, like, what does that mean?
Suburb of what?
They have cities there.
They got Newark.
They got Trenton.
You know?
As much, oh, well, it's nothing compared to New York City.
If you look at the state of New York, it's a fucking, it's a farm state.
If you just get out of that little fucking island down there and all of those
boroughs
where, for whatever reason, seven million people want to fucking live
when there's just all kinds of fresh air and green pasture right up the fucking
street.
And then they went on to say, like, we're talking about Orlando.
And they said, Orlando is a piece of shit city.
There's, like, one nice street and the rest of it is a piece of shit.
It's a piece of shit city.
And I'm just thinking, like, are you ever going to ask why?
Like, I just love how people, like,
like, I don't, maybe because you can see poverty.
And you can't see, like, with these people flying around in their private jets,
so you don't know what the fuck is going on.
I don't know.
I just, like, the level of, like, design stupidity in this country right now.
They've gotten rid of civics classes.
Nobody, including myself, even understands how the government works.
I had a buddy of mine when Trump got elected.
He called me up and he goes, hey, dude, I know you're not a fan of Trump,
but I got to tell you, it's exciting.
You know, all the world leaders have already called him.
I swear to God he said that.
It's like, if they elected you, all the world leaders would have called you.
They call, they all called Joe Biden when Trump led.
That's what happens.
They're not calling him because they're afraid of him or they respect him.
It's just, well, they're like, oh, you're president now?
Okay, cool.
Congratulations.
From Norway, you know, I guess I'll be talking to you for the next 48 years.
That's all it is.
It's nothing else.
It's not, oh, they knew once that guy got in office, they better make a fucking
phone
call, dude.
No, that's not what it is.
Fucking meatheads.
Meatheads.
There's a war out there for your brain.
I'm telling you.
I'm telling you.
And it goes beyond the cunts.
It's the nerds, too.
The nerds have now become the cunts.
And they all go to an island and they fuck 12-year-olds.
But it's illegal immigrants' problems.
They're the problem.
Don't ever forget that.
Don't ever forget that.
The reason why you can't afford a house is because of an illegal immigrant that
has no
fucking money.
That's why.
It's not someone who's a billionaire on their way to being a trillionaire that
doesn't
pay their fucking employees.
It's not that.
FYI, there's a finite amount of money.
So if one person has a trillion of it, there's going to be a bunch of people
living under
a fucking bridge.
And for some reason, this has been called communism now, if you're against that.
Because when I grew up, there was regulations on capitalism.
You couldn't have a monopoly.
There was rules on ownership of media.
All of these, all of that is out the fucking window.
Which, which, which your boy, your boy started back in the day.
He started all this deregulation and just fucking, you know, let's take the
fucking, let's turn
the spigot wide open.
And he opened the fucking door for all of this shit.
And he made a select few people so much fucking money that when he died, they
paraded him around
the country for fucking like 10 days.
Had his body on ice.
Um, all right.
There you go.
Sorry.
Every once in a while, I go out for a cup of coffee and I hear somebody say
something.
Like Orlando is a piece of shit city.
It's like, what the, how about Orlando needs help?
How about there's a bunch of good people in Orlando getting underpaid at SeaWorld
at Disneyland
evidently and they can't make their fucking rent.
You know, how about that?
How about we put some money into public education and you can actually get a
free for the first
12 grades, 12 grades, good public education again?
Can we do that?
Can you bring back a music class?
Can you bring back extracurricular?
Oh, it's not enough for, we do that.
Your fucking taxes are going to be.
Keep it down.
Why don't you pay for it?
You fucking cunt.
All right.
I'm actually in a good mood.
You wouldn't know it.
Oh, you wouldn't know it, but I am.
Um, anyway, I, uh, in other news, I've, I've been working with my, my daughter
with, uh,
her multiplication tables and, uh, you know, we had to get the number up.
She got a 95 on our last 10.
You know what was so cool about it?
She got a 95.
She didn't even tell me.
She immediately went out in the backyard and was working on a baseball swing.
She hit a ball over the fucking house into the neighbor's yard.
I thought it was up on the roof, you know?
Oh man, Billy went all the way up there and it wasn't up there.
And I realized it went all the way into my neighbor's fucking yard.
She literally went yard.
And, uh, but you know, when you own a house, I'll tell you, if it's not one
thing, it's
another.
So I went up there looking for the ball she hit and I went up there and I saw
that my,
uh, my gutters, oh, they were all a clutter.
They were just filled up.
So, uh, my lovely wife was not home because she would have been like, what are
you doing
up there?
Get down off.
You got to get yourself killed.
And I just, I took so much shit out of the gutters.
I filled up half my green, like trimmings barrel with what the fuck I threw on
the ground.
It was my whole morning.
I didn't go to the gym.
I laid on my belly so I wouldn't fall off the fucking roof.
It's just digging my hand in, pulling out all of this shit in my gutters.
And then wouldn't you know, today it rained.
I swept it all up like a good boy and I put it into my, my fucking green barrel
there.
And, uh, today I woke up and it was fucking raining cats and dogs.
And, uh, I went out and this is a classic husband thing.
I went out and I took a video of the water coming out of the bottom of the spout,
going
away from the house.
And I sent the video to my wife, thinking I was actually going to get credit in
and out of
boy for risking my life.
Why don't you thank me after the first responders and all the dads out there
who are too cheap
to hire somebody with a ladder, lay on their belly, risking breaking their
fucking neck to
take pine needles and shit out of their gutters, sweeping them all up.
The thankless job, sweeping it all up, putting it in the barrel.
Nobody says thank you to the point you're standing in a raincoat, trying to
have video
evidence that you actually matter.
It was actually, you know, I was really proud of myself and I was also
profoundly sad that
I'm still so insecure that I needed that pat on the back that I did that.
I mean, my son's like five years old and we're like, he intellectually on the
same level where
he's like, you know, I brush my teeth, I wash my feet, I got dressed myself,
right?
I'm like, I'm like, literally doing that at 57.
I cleaned out the gutters and then I swept it up and look at the water coming
out.
I'm a good boy.
I'm a big boy, right?
Nothing.
Nothing.
I got, I got no, no, I'm kidding.
She's at work.
I'm going to hit her with that when she calls me later.
Fucking cutie pie.
Anyway, dude, there's no fucking hockey.
I'm sitting here watching people fucking sweeping the ice.
This Olympic coverage, like, I don't know what, like, I can't even, what
fucking channel
is it on?
I don't know about you guys.
I got direct TV.
Olympic hockey's on like channel like 1082.
I saw some of the ladies.
I saw their game, got a little chippy.
And I've yet to see the USA team.
I keep, every time I put it on, fucking Finland's playing somebody.
I saw Finland versus Sweden and I think Finland versus Italy.
And I also saw the ladies Italian team playing the USA.
I s