Name: Stavvy's World #18 - Bert Kreischer | Full Episode
Uploaded: 2023-04-03T17:00:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #18 - Bert Kreischer | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #18 - Bert Kreischer | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-03. Transcript available.

Stavvy's World #18 - Bert Kreischer | Full Episode

Ho, ho-pa, ho, ho. Welcome, everybody.
Is it Opa or Opa?
Opa.
Oh, I thought you said ho-pa.
Hop-pa, you can go ho.
Oh, dude.
Hop-pa.
Sorry, go ahead, do your intro.
Do your intro, fuck.
Stavi's World, welcome to Stavi's World, everybody.
904-800-STOP.
Call in.
We've got, I'm so pumped to have him, Bert Kreischer's in Stavi's World.
Welcome, Bert.
Thank you for coming out to Queens, doing the show.
I am so, thank you for having me.
Do I say your last name right?
Haliakos?
Very wrong.
How do you always say it?
Stavros?
But you extra, you over-Greek it.
It's Halkias.
Oh, fuck.
It's Halkias in Greek.
Halkias.
So, but Haliakos sounds more Greek.
Haliakos, yeah.
You know, it's just in Greece.
Really?
Where were you?
Doing a show in Athens.
How was it?
Holy shit.
It was fucking awesome.
People, like, got it.
They were, they understood.
My opening joke was, I'm so, it's on my special.
Yeah.
My special Razzle Dazzle.
Check out Razzle Dazzle.
It's streaming right now.
On Netflix.
Go watch it right now.
My opening joke was, I'm so fat when I jog my ass hair's tying a knot and the
place went
fucking bananas.
It's a country that understands ass hair humor.
And I mean, women are slapping their legs.
Men were slapping their legs.
And I was like, what's going on?
We're very hairy.
And I went, oh, so you get this?
And they're like, oh, keep going.
Yes.
It's a hairy culture.
I'm one of the most hairless Greek guys there are.
I got a little, I got a little light dusting, but nothing crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it was awesome.
We went to an authentic Greek meal where they just started bringing out food.
It's the best.
And it was so good.
And then the morning we woke up, we went out to the, um, to a little peninsula
and worked
out and then jumped in the, the, the ocean.
What's the ocean?
The, uh.
Eugene?
No.
It's, uh.
Hmm.
Oh, whatever.
Yeah, yeah.
We jumped in the ocean, went swimming, and then got on a plane and left.
It was fucking awesome.
Dude, Greece is the best.
Have you done shows there yet?
No, not yet.
Oh, my God.
Those are going to be epic.
I can't wait.
Yeah.
Those are, can you speak Greek?
I can.
Oh.
Yeah, I can.
But I don't, I, I'm worried about doing, I've never done stand-up in Greece.
Just a little bit.
First of all, everyone gets English there, right?
Yeah, yeah.
So just a little bit of Greece, I would think, would have, Greek would have
gone a long fucking
way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll do it in an arena when you go there.
Hopefully, yeah.
I want to save, I want it to be real special.
Also, my, my relatives don't understand I'm successful yet, so I want to keep
that on the
down low, you know what I mean?
So I want to just, like, I'll wait until things are going real good, but, like,
I think once
Rogan happened, even my Greek, like, cousins were like, hey, wait a second,
what's going
on here, you know?
Yeah.
But until then, they had, they truly had no idea that things were going good,
you know?
They just thought I was, like, dumb for, my, my uncle would tell me every time,
get
a real job.
Like, he's like, didn't you go to school?
What are you doing doing stand-up?
So I'm going to wait until it's an awesome show to do shows in Greece.
It was awesome.
We went to the Parthenon.
Parthenon?
Nope.
What's the one on top of the mountain?
It's at the Parthenon.
The Acropolis.
The Acropolis.
The Parthenon is the thing on top, at the, Acropolis is the whole thing, and
the Parthenon
is, like, the, the structure there.
It's so fucking cool.
Dude, it's incredible.
Did you go to that museum?
Mm, I don't like that.
Sorry.
By the way, yesterday, I saw Mark Burbigli, and he gave me a book, and I went,
I went, oh, thanks.
The, okay, the only thing I'll say about that museum, and I'm with you, you don't
strike
me as a big museum guy, but it's like, they've recreated the, the Parthenon to
what it was
back then.
So you see, like, all the sculptures.
You see what an ancient Greek guy was looking at when they went there.
It's fucking sick.
It's something I would consider going back to.
You don't have to read any of the placards.
Just go enjoy, you know, enjoy your scene.
We did, we did a day tour.
We got a tour guide, and she drove us around, and we saw the, the, it was the
day the, the
king died.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, so everyone was flying in, and then we watched the fancy, fancy guards do
their,
their razzle-dazzle kick steps.
Oh, it's so funny that people in Greece gave a fuck about that guy dying.
Yeah.
That sucks.
Fuck that guy.
Fuck the king.
He can suck my dick.
We have no king.
Those are a bunch of German and British cocksuckers that they put on top of
Greece.
I'm glad he's dead.
Fuck him, and fuck the queen of England, too, while we're at it.
They have our fucking marbles.
Bring them back.
They stole a bunch of our shit.
They got a bunch of Greek shit.
I mean, they have stole everyone's shit.
They stole, that was their, that was their gig.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's honestly shocking Meghan Markle.
Wait, did Chris Rock do that joke?
I don't know.
That was their gig.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, wow, the queen.
His grandma was like,
no, you're just supposed to fuck them and leave them on the island.
That's what your grandfather did.
You don't bring them home, for Christ's sake, Harry.
Yeah, I mean, it is funny to be like,
can you believe the queen of England is racist?
It's like, she had Indian slaves when she was a child.
Yes, she's fucking racist.
Dude, her husband, that guy, Philip, he lived the fucking life.
He was technically a prince of Greece, but again, fuck Philip.
Do you know what he used to do?
What's that?
He used to get on a boat and just road trip the islands with his boys and raw
dog native chicks.
That's all he did.
That's all he fucking did.
I love him.
People are like, we have to respect the sacred institution of the monarchy.
They show it in the crown.
They show him on an island like, oh shit, I got to go home.
Get these girls off me.
Yeah, yeah, get them out of here.
Execute the, if you're pregnant, pop.
They just fucking, the prince has his goon squad to just assassinate you.
But he will nut in you.
Philip will nut.
You know he came in people's.
Yeah, without question.
He's the prince.
Yeah.
He's royal.
The royalty doesn't pull out.
They wouldn't know what to do with it.
Can you imagine a king pulling out and choking him up on your stomach?
The royal seed.
I christen thee.
You want to scoop that up?
Sell that.
Put that in a fucking little necklace.
You may want to swallow this.
I am the prince, you know.
Yeah, fuck them.
I'm glad they're all dead.
My wife said, thanks for not coming to me the other night.
We were drunk and we had sex and she's going through menopause.
Yeah, yeah.
To share any of this.
But she doesn't know if she can get pregnant or not.
And so we had sex.
And I just pulled out and she goes, hey, thanks for not coming to me.
Like, that should be a shirt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you for not busting inside.
It is always, oh, when you treat yourself to a bust and you're like, you just
have to live with that.
I mean, you're married, but I did treat myself to one fairly recently.
And I trust the girl, but you're still, for 10 months, I won't be fully not
anxious.
Do you know what I mean?
I vividly remember those days.
Yeah, you were a piece of shit.
I don't think I am.
You were a youthful piece of shit.
No, no, no, no.
I've only been with six chicks.
Interesting.
But there was not one time I had sex that I was confident I wasn't going to be
a dad.
And it's interesting, it's what makes me love my wife so much, because I don't,
I never care.
Like, when I met her, I was like, all right, if I get her pregnant, this is the
one.
Right.
This is the one.
God will tell me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I did.
A very Florida way of thinking.
Yeah.
I do love that, though, because, like, only fucking six, but you were, you did
party and you were a fucking animal.
Party my ass off.
I have intimacy issues.
Oh, interesting.
It sounds weird, because I don't mind.
No, let it, let it all out, baby.
Like, I can't, I can't, um, that's why I have a hard time making friends,
because I can't, uh, I can never close the deal.
Interesting.
Like, I don't, I don't like showing everyone, I don't like showing people who I
am.
I don't mind doing it on camera.
Right.
But, like.
Right, because there's a natural distance there.
Yeah.
You can fake that intimacy that's so hard to actually do the next level of it
when the cameras are gone.
I fully get that.
Like, every time, like, I told Rogan when he wanted to be friends, I was like,
Oh, this guy's trying to fuck me.
I was like, I'm waiting for him to try to kiss me.
Every time we hung out, I was like.
Was this, like, young, sexy Rogan?
No, this is, this is.
What era?
This is Cro, Cro, Cro, Cro Magno Rogan.
Okay, all right, all right.
This is the one that we all know now where hats don't fit.
The first version of that, like, current Rogan 1.0.
The very beginning of him getting jacked.
Right.
Like, black, still had a black beard, still had hair.
Oh, yeah.
And, like, I just never trust anyone.
I have a hard time trusting.
But that's awesome that you don't trust him and the thing you think he's going
to do is fuck you.
That's awesome because you think he's gay and you also think you're such a
piece of ass.
I don't know which is a bigger stretch, the fact that Rogan's gay or that he
wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told Ari, I go, when I first met Ari in Redman, I was like, so what's his
deal?
Like, is he, like, is he gay?
And they're like, Joe Rogan?
No.
And I was like, come on, man.
He tries to hang out with dudes all the time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're friends.
And I went, oh, God.
Oh, God.
But, yeah, I have a real hard time.
I have a hard time kissing.
Interesting.
That was my real.
Wow.
I probably, no joke, I've probably, well, I also am afraid of, I was really
deathly afraid
of getting someone pregnant or changing my life by a bad decision.
Right.
And so, or getting a disease, like, all these things scared me.
Sure, sure, sure.
And so, but I would be shocked.
I think I probably kissed way, I think that number would shock you way more
than the six
people I was with.
Right, right, right.
Because I had a hard time just kissing someone.
Interesting.
Because I couldn't turn it off.
I couldn't be serious.
I kind of see where you, because, like, my issue was always, like, I was really
confident.
I was a fun time when I was growing up.
But I, I didn't have the intimacy issue with, I had the, like, I was nervous to
get rejected
when it came to a girl.
So it was like, that's what it was for me, where it would be like, I'd be, I
could, up
until the point of, it becomes like a sexual, because all my confidence in
every other arena,
I had it, right?
Like, I believed in myself in every way, except with women, because that was
still nerve wracking,
no matter how confident you were, like, socially.
So that's why it took me, like, in college, I didn't fuck until college, but
once I had
my college girlfriend, I was, like, comfortable around women, comfortable
around sex, I was
like, oh, then I'll, I'll fuck a hundred women.
I don't give a fuck.
You know what I mean?
Like, once I broke that seal, I was like, yeah, I'll fuck whoever.
I would not, I lost my virginity, and then chose not to have sex with a bunch
of chicks
that I dated.
So I was like, I'm not, I'm not emotionally ready for this, because it fucked
me up.
So you lost your virginity in, like, high school or something?
Seventeen years old.
Seventeen.
Uh, had sex twice.
This is young piece of ass baseball playing Bert.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I had sex in my fucking Letterman's jacket.
Lost my virginity twice in that thing.
Once in your ass, the second time in your ass?
No, once in your ass.
My dick was between her bunchy, good to bet.
So the first time I had sex, I just nutted, I nutted into nobody.
I didn't even fuck a person.
You nutted into, like, you hot dog buns or ass?
I just, right here.
Oh.
She was like, are you going to put it i