Name: Stavvy's World #33 - Andrew Santino | Full Episode
Uploaded: 2023-07-17T19:06:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #33 - Andrew Santino | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #33 - Andrew Santino | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-17. Transcript available.

Stavvy's World #33 - Andrew Santino | Full Episode

Welcome everybody to Stop This World. So excited. We have a great episode. You're
going to love it.
Before we get to it, though, I have a couple announcements. I want you to know
about my dates.
I want you to know about some of our beautiful sponsors. But I had to play the
music.
Last time we did no music, we almost had a mutiny on our hands.
So come see me live. The fall tour kicks off in London.
Then we're going to, yeah, from London to Cincinnati, big drop off in terms of
metropolitan cities.
But I love you, Cincy. Keep buying tickets.
Cincinnati, Columbus, Cleveland, Ohio, big shows at Baltimore, Detroit, Grand
Rapids, Philly.
Then I'm in Florida, Orlando, Tampa, Miami, not Miami, Fort Lauderdale,
Milwaukee, Kansas City.
And we wrap up the tour in New York at the Beacon Theater.
So grab those tickets at Stabi.biz.
And I love seeing you here on the internet, but I'd love to see you in person.
And also very important, something I want to highlight to you, our beautiful
friends at Liquid Death.
I love these delicious drinks. They don't just got water.
It's not booze, I'll tell you that much. It might look like beer. It's not at
all.
They got waters. They got sparkling waters.
I'm sipping on the Grim Leafer right now. Delicious iced tea.
And they got beautiful apparel.
So our friends at Liquid Death, they want you, they want Stabi's World
listeners sporting their logo across their breasts.
And our listeners get 20% off their first Liquid Death apparel purchase.
Go to liquiddeath.com/stavi, S-T-A-V-V-Y.
This offer's available exclusively at liquiddeath.com. Exclusions may apply.
That's liquiddeath.com/stavi. Go get 'em. They're so delicious. You can get 'em
at Amazon.
You can get their beverages anywhere. Amazon retailers near you.
They got 'em at my bodega now.
They're going everywhere. Sip on 'em. Get the clothing.
Fucking liquiddeath.com/stavi. And then also, very important, we're getting
double-teamed here, folks.
So let's go to our friends over at GameTime. GameTime.co, the GameTime app.
It's the fastest and easiest way to get last-minute tickets to sports, comedy,
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You know I'm going to be using those for Knicks tickets. So go download the
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Create an account and use code STAVI for $20 for your first purchase.
That's right, baby. $20 on me. Terms apply.
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Now, Aldous, hit 'em with the music again. Fuck it.
Oppa!
Oh, baby. Welcome to Stavi's World.
We are here in beautiful, right live from Santorini, Greece.
We're not in the usual home studios, folks. You can tell, you know, we're doing
a little Hollywood business.
Call me Hollywood Hopkins. We're at the beautiful, all things comedy studios.
But we've made it, we've made it feel like home here.
It feels nice. It feels different because I have a competent producer.
Aaron, if you want to just take this.
Hi, everybody.
Yeah, fade it out beautifully.
Listen to this fade. Watch this fade, guys.
Oh, never mind. Fuck, I was gonna pay you a compliment.
I was really looking forward to working with a non-Albanian producer.
Oh, there it is. It's gone now.
I was really planning to make you like the beautiful counterpart to our moron,
Aldous.
But, you know, you've set up such beautiful things.
This green screen, Aldous could never have done it.
It is nice though. Everything, everything but the fade out.
It turns out no producer can fade out the music the way you want it. That's
fine.
So that's, you live, you learn.
I guess I, unfortunately, I've begrudgingly realized I maybe took Aldous
slightly for granted in one arena only.
Because everywhere else, he is a big piece of dumb shit.
But we're very happy to be here in the studios.
While I'm trying to get in the show business Illuminati, you know, put me in
some, let me be the dumb neighbor in a sitcom.
You know, let me be the fat guy in a romantic comedy who, the two protagonists,
you know what, let's get our guest in here because I think he's gonna like to
riff on this.
So, I'm very happy. I want to introduce my boy, the beautiful Andrew Santino.
Thank you. Also coming live from Greece here.
Also in Greece, look at it.
As you can see right here, look at, they ring the bell every time a kid is
touched in the church below.
We are off that. We do, that's ancient Greece. Modern Greece, one of the least
molesting types of people.
Oh really? Is that a fact?
Because our priests, and I've said this before, our priests, they get a wife.
Oh, yeah, you're allowed to get a wife.
You're allowed to get a wife.
That's cool.
Yeah, it's pretty nice.
But do they? Do some of them still do the whole like...
I think maybe some traditionalists.
Yeah.
If they're really, if they're really...
There's probably, yeah, being old-fashioned in Greece means molesting.
Yeah.
It means like wearing a toga.
If you're old-fashioned, you're just in the closet touching kids.
You know, that's the nice thing.
I do think it's a pretty sexually free society, so you don't really have to molest
in Greece.
God bless.
And they're fucking goats.
God bless.
You know, I think a lot of the mountain guys that maybe would molest if they
didn't have
access to livestock, they got it.
Well, then what's the excuse for Ireland?
Because they love...
They love to molest and the fuck sheep.
And wild stock, yeah.
They'll go for both, dude.
I don't know.
That's good.
They double dip, dude.
Those guys, they double dip in Ireland.
Double dipping.
I've got two appointments today.
One at the church, one at the farm.
Bad boys out there, dude.
That is tough.
You're trying to get in the Hollywood cabal?
Is that what you're saying?
I'd love to.
I'd love to get in the cabal.
I would love to, like I was saying, I'd love to be the fat neighbor in a sitcom.
I'd love to be, like in a romantic comedy, when the two protagonists finally
get together,
I would love for them to bump into me at a coffee shop.
The girl is acting sheepish, and the guy's like, what's going on here?
And she's like, we used to hook up.
And that's like almost a deal breaker for him.
He's like, you fucked him?
Yeah.
You know, and that's a big argument.
I'm like, I look fat as shit.
I'm like, oh, hey, what's up, Sandra?
You know, I'm fucking chocolate dripping down my cheeks.
I'm like farting and shit.
And she's like, how could you fuck that?
And it has this whole argument.
I'm in there for a scene.
I'm funny for a scene.
I'm out.
Yeah.
You know?
In and out.
And then the two beautiful people, I provide the dramatic, you know,
what leads them to break up and then eventually come back together.
You're the end of act two, basically.
I'm the end of act two.
Let me be the end of act two.
Just let me be the end of act two.
Because the guy can't imagine a world where this hot girl fucks me, you know?
You know what it is?
Which I do.
I think I have maybe played that role in certain people's lives.
In real life?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've done that in real life.
I've probably done that in real life.
Where guys are like, that dude?
Oh, 100%.
But then the girl goes, yeah, that dude.
Yeah, yeah.
And she laughs.
She smiles.
You left good memories.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Of course.
But you have to pretend like it was a mistake.
Remember Californication?
Duchovny?
Yeah.
I never saw it.
They should remake it with you.
I'd love that.
Because he's like this, like, his wife, I think the story was like.
He's a sex addict, right?
But his wife cheated on him, I think.
And that justified to him all of his, I think that's what it was.
I don't really remember, but I think that's what it was.
I never saw it, but I believe Susan Sarandon's daughter's tits are out in it,
in an episode.
Really?
And I only know that because I saw the stills, and I was like, damn, that girl
has some big titties.
Who is her daughter?
Just a girl with big tits on California.
Barbara Sarandon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whatever her name is.
Well, here's the thing.
I saw a pair of titties on the internet somewhere.
Sure.
Right?
And then I, like a bloodhound, had to sniff the trail, see where they led to,
see where they got to.
And it turns out they were from Californication.
And I was like, who is this fucking lady?
She's awesome.
I believe it was Susan Sarandon's daughter, which, let's just say, the titties
run in the family.
They do.
Because those are some of the best.
To this day, I don't want to be disrespectful, Susan, but, you know what I mean?
What do you got to lose?
Great games!
I would love, imagine if I, no, I would love to, what I want to get out of my
trip is,
she doesn't live in L.A., does she?
Or does she?
I would love to get out of this trip, I would love to be act two in a romantic
comedy,
and I would love to have a tryst with Susan Sarandon.
Ooh.
You know?
Respectfully, Susan.
Respectfully.
I want a courtship.
Right.
Have you seen, you see how my demeanor's changed, the way I talk about Susan?
Yeah, when you talk about Susan, it all switches.
It all switches up.
I want to go on a nice, chaste walk, get to know each other.
Like a hike?
I don't know about a hike, I'm not good on inclines.
I need to impress this woman, I need to be sweating, I need to be like taking a
break
every fucking ten seconds.
I like if you do a hike with her, but you have to get helicoptered up so you
only go down.
Yeah.
It's a dissension hike.
If you're a fat man, never plan a date uphill, let me tell you that much.
Down only.
I need a slight, a slight degrade.
Slight decline.
Slight decline's beautiful, because no one feels the decline.
And you look taller when you walk downhill, because your back is a little
straighter.
She should be a little in front of me and look back.
She should be backpedaling, so I look two inches taller.
But yeah, I want to go on a beautiful romantic walk, I want to take her to some
fine dining.
See, you are a romantic, this is the thing.
And if your titties are big enough, I'm a romantic.
If you're a legendary actress with beautiful politics, who supported Bernie and
you have
big ass titties, you're in.
I'm in.
That's Davi's world.
I'll fly you to France first class.
We'll have coffee at the top of the Eiffel Tower, you know?
I could see you be, I could see you genuinely ending up with someone much older
than you.
I could see that myself.
Class-wise, just because you want the experience, the intelligence.
I'd love that.
Like an older woman seems like your vibe.
I think I'm a, you know, that's interesting.
At minimum your age is what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Like I think at minimum your age, but you like a woman who's like established,
who's got
their shit right.
I do like that.
Who knows what they're talking about all the time.
I have in the past been attracted to someone who is hot and also like very
driven.
I do find that actually very practical.
That's what I'm talking about.
And that usually ends up being some woman that's got her own thing and she
probably doesn't
have time for you, which is kind of hot.
I love that.
Oh, I would love someone like that.
She's like, I would see you, but you know I'm leaving first thing in the
morning for Prague
and you're like, oh, amazing.
And I'm like, please, I want to be the one that's like, come on.
Please, take me with you.
Yes, like an art dealer.
Like an art dealer, like one of those sexy ladies with a little bit of gray, or
just fully
gray, but they're, you know, they're still like.
She's got the glasses that match her outfit every time, you know, and wears
always funky
shoes and cool stockings and shit.
I know who this is.
I would love, because the thing is, I think I'm destined to be, to be lifted.
In my heart, I'm still absolute trash.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's fine.
I am destined to be lifted