Name: Stavvy's World #61 - Ari Shaffir | Full Episode
Uploaded: 2024-01-29T19:39:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #61 - Ari Shaffir | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #61 - Ari Shaffir | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-29. Transcript available.

Stavvy's World #61 - Ari Shaffir | Full Episode

Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. We have a great episode for you.
Ari Shafir is on this episode straight from the slopes.
And I want to remind you, we are almost out of calendars.
The year has begun. You can still get your beautiful Stavi baby official 2024
calendar on sale on our store right now.
And, uh, what's that? Uh-oh. Seems like we're making a lot of sales on our
store.
That's right. You know why? Because we use Shopify, folks.
We've been using Shopify for years, and now it's your turn to start using it
too.
Sign up for $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash Stavi, all lowercase.
Go to shopify.com slash Stavi, S-T-A-V-V-Y.
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Let's start the show, Elders.
Opa!
Welcome, everybody, to Stavi's World. 904-800-STA-V.
What a beautiful January day. Me and Ari just hit the slopes.
Yeah, dude.
He's still dressed for it. I had to get out.
You already jumped in the hot tub.
I already jumped in the hot tub. Elders rubbed me down.
You had a cup all over your mouth.
Yeah, my quads were all fucking sore from just hitting, just changing
directions, you know?
Yeah.
But Elders rubbed me down.
When I came back, there was a heavy rubdown going on.
That honesty must feel so good to be in the, hit the slopes, come down, get in
the hot tub, and get a happy ending massage.
Yeah.
But like a good, it's got to be a good massage.
It's got to be, first, dude, that's all the advice I got from my happy ending
people.
They're like, hey, go to the massage, though.
They're like, you're going to hear a lot of where to go, what not to go.
And the rule is, any place with a lock on the door is not a real massage place.
What business in the world keeps you out besides diamonds?
Yeah, that's true.
Well, they don't want you stealing their ancient oriental techniques.
You're going to hear this relaxing music for free?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he was like, yeah, get the happy ending, but you got 30 minutes before.
Minimum.
Okay, interesting.
Get that massage, bro.
I feel like, yeah, I mean, look, I think what we need to do is get actual
physical therapists who are cool, and they'll jack you off.
Get Chris DiStefano.
Former PT guys rub you down and jack you off, you know?
Yeah.
Let him get his nails done.
Because really, you want the massage to be better.
The jack-off almost anybody could do.
Massage is tough.
Yeah, you're right.
He's up, down, up, down.
You know how to do it.
Yep, yep.
So, all right, this is our new business model.
We buy, we go, we set up shop in a ski town, in a ski resort.
Oh, love it.
And then we get a resort, and then we offer hot tubs, rub-downs, jack-offs, all
in one.
Hot tubs, rub-downs, jack-offs.
And that's, there's a big blinking sign.
Yeah.
Hot tubs in Whistler, PA, or wherever.
What was the one in Maryland they wrote?
Liberty something?
That was so icy.
Ski Liberty?
Ski Liberty.
Yes.
I never went.
I'm actually, guys, you're going to not believe this, but I was joking.
We actually did not go skiing.
Ari just decided to dress like this to really highlight the January vibes.
It's January.
You are a skier.
You're an accomplished, or I don't know if you're accomplished, but you like
doing it.
I've broken multiple bones.
Yeah, you probably suck at it, but you take ski trips.
I know that.
You know who's the best and the worst?
It's Ian Fidance.
Get out of here.
He's not good, and he bombs.
Wow.
He's like, let's go.
This is the one time in Ian's life bombing is good.
That's the thing.
He happens.
Bombing is so in Ian's DNA that if you find a thing where bombing is good, he'll
be good
at that.
Well, I've already got praxis in this.
We saw one of the Pit Viper guys, and he was like, one ski, one up, and we're
like, wow,
that's crazy.
And Ian's like, I'll try it.
I'll do it.
And he skied like four times.
That's hilarious.
And he's up with one fucking leg smoking a cigarette with no helmet.
Yeah.
I'll just blur out Ari's huge bulge when he, next time he raises his, I'm not
trying to
get, I mean, we're already demonetized because we pretty much started this
episode talking
about opening up an illicit sex parlor, an illicit massage sex parlor, and we've
got
a, we've got a retired Jew's old penis.
Why won't they allow us to make money in Pampers?
Yeah, that's very interesting.
Yeah, I've never been, I think I would love tubing, just laying down and go
down.
Sled?
Like sled tubing?
Dude, I've never done any kind of snow activity whatsoever, just going to, but
I'm worried
because there's Bobby's story.
I'm also fat as hell, and I wonder, I have to, well, you know, that's true.
I'm worried about going too fast down, and Bobby has that story about how he
like broke
his back or whatever.
Yeah, I saw it.
Because it's like.
In front of his son.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you know this, Elvis?
His son wouldn't know he's a fat failure.
Bobby took his smacks when they were like, when he was like little, he was like
maybe four
or five, I don't remember.
And he was like, we're going to go make memories, you know?
And they go tubing, and I think Max went first, I don't remember, but Bobby
goes down the
thing, and it's not rated for someone as fat as him.
The velocity.
So he blows past the safety measure, like goes up and just slams himself, and I
don't remember
what the injury was, but he, he flew, dude.
Yeah.
He got air.
Send it.
Yeah, he got send it.
And he had to pretend to not be injured so his son wouldn't lose respect for
him.
And he was like, I'm okay, I'm okay.
And then later at the hospital, I was like, you're definitely not okay.
Multiple cracked ribs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's definitely not a walk it off kind of thing.
Damn, next time he's on, we gotta, we have to get him to recount that.
So that, I had never thought about the downs.
That was the first time I was like, maybe being fat isn't good.
You know, that's the first thing I thought.
That's the only thing you gotta avoid.
Yeah, going too fat.
That's the only negative part.
So they serve you first at any restaurant.
Right.
You always get, skip that line.
You always get shotgun growing up and everyone's resentful.
Shotgun, yeah.
You know, but they're like, look, this does make the most sense, but it's, it's
fucked up that he gets to do it every time.
People on planes will ask to switch away from you, leaving you the open next to
sea.
If you're on Southwest, you, it's, it's awesome, except for the like 5% of the
time where it's a completely full flight.
100% full, yeah.
Brutal stuff.
I, this was both a mark of, this was both a mark of success.
And a deep failure when I was on a Southwest flight.
And I hadn't, I hadn't flown Southwest in a while and I did the rookie move of
going exit row.
Cause you know, a middle exit row is still valuable.
Yeah.
In Southwest.
Legroom at least.
And it was a pretty full flight.
It was like, there's maybe like a handful of empty seats.
So fat that no one sat next to me, even in the exit row.
And so it was a very comfortable flight, but I was like, damn, I gotta get it
together.
But God did get me back because even though he was a very nice guy,
the guy sitting next to me was a podcast fan.
No.
And so, and so it was like, I did have to talk about, you know,
if you've ever been hunting with Rogan before, I did have to like answer a
couple of questions
like that, but it was very sweet guy.
But you know, when you're on a plane, you just want to be on an edible and play
some stupid
game on your phone.
Have you been hunting with Rogan?
I was like.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He literally, cause I, yeah, he thought, and it's like, I was on the show once,
man.
Like, it's not like we're best friends.
He doesn't, he doesn't think.
He's hunting, if you know what I mean.
He's like, what do you mean?
You're like, no, I'm making it up.
No.
Nothing really.
Nothing.
I guess if you, if you really thought about it, the closest thing I'd come up
with is
he oils me up and then he tries to hit me with a suction cup arrow.
That's what pig hunting would be.
That's how I got on.
He greased me up.
He could put a little fucking hog nose on me.
I just love, it's like, that's the hunt beginning.
And you're like, but where's my weapon?
I'm like, you think you got on cause we like your comedy?
You're the, you're the fattest comedian we know.
He's going to stick his antlers on you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How do you think, why do you think Tim Dillon's such a recurring guest?
He's one of the finest hogs we have.
Yeah.
Tim's smoking a cigar.
He's like, I've graduated now.
It's your turn to be the hog.
It's like, bad news, they fuck the hog at the end.
I'm like, that's not fair, he likes it.
I'm straight.
He's like, I like fucking twinks, not getting fucked.
All right, point taken.
Sorry, I'm just going to do the rest of the podcast.
My one man show of the hog hunt.
You're a terrible impression of Joe Rogan, being gay, Rogan.
No, no, that was Tim Dillon.
Alec Baldwin was Tim Dillon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I can't do Rogan.
I was like, damn, that's a bad Rogan impression.
No, I was doing Tim.
Tim was pretty dead on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I was just kind of wrong in my head.
Yeah, I'm like, this is my Joe Rogan impression.
Oh, you are doing the hog.
Oh, I can do that too.
I was like, oh, we're so happy you're here.
It's me, Joe Rogan.
Come on and enjoy the hunt.
But yes, yeah, too fat for the Southwest exit row.
Too fat for Southwest.
That's tough.
That's your autobiography.
Yeah.
Although apparently they're letting fat people get two seats, which I think is
a big win for
fat rights.
Yeah.
And it will piss people off so much, which I love.
Can we have a new character called Fat Rife?
Fat Rife?
I mean, you could argue that basically is me.
You could argue our careers are pretty similar.
It's like, oh, crowd work, special, all YouTube, eventually Netflix takes
notice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm essentially his, like, we're like the yin and yang of like hot guy, fat guy.
And there's other advantages.
If you're hot, you get a bigger audience.
But if you're fat, you get like people who actually like comedy and not like,
you know,
what appears to be MILFs and like young women that want to fuck him, you know?
He had plastic surgery.
You desperately need liposuction.
Yeah, if you were to pick who needed to be under the knife between us, you
would have never
guessed him.
Fat Rife.
Yeah, dude.
I'm excited.
Yeah.
I want to do a whole series of characters of comedians, like, but with one fake
name and
then it just tells the whole impression after that.
My first one was Crystal, Crystal Leah.
Okay.
It's a female pedophile.
Nice penis, you 16-year-old.
Wow, are you on the lacrosse team?
Just DMing a fucking lax bro.
But she'd be like 48 and she'd be like DMing like 26-year-olds.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come get that sugar mama.
Yeah, yeah, at the highest ends, 26.
That's Crystal Leah.
Who else we got?
Crystal Leah.
Bobby.
Fat Rife.
Fat Rife.
Bobby.
What can we do with Bobby Lee?
Oh, yeah.
We're going to do Bobby Lee.
It's something Southern.
Oh, I know.
Bobby Lee.
But I'm going to make an Italian.
Bobby Lee.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm going to show you a penis you can't refuse.
Go to my pizzeria and I'll shove a pizza up your asshole.
This is good.
We're really crushing it on the improv of the two of us today.
Yeah, put all those people on the fucking thumbnail.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Yeah, I've never.
I'm like, have you gone skiing this winter?
Do you have any plans?
Yeah.
What's your last ski trip?
We didn't be able to do a comedian ski trip this year.
We couldn't get it together.
I'm pretty pissed.
But I got Beaver Creek.
I'm doing a few days and I'm going to Denver for like two weeks of the fucking.
The Comedy Works?
Comedy Works.
They're like, move to the theater.
I'm like, nah, that place fucking rules.
I'd rather just do longer there.
That's awesome.
So I'll go skiing for a couple of days there.
I respect that.
So just a couple of days of skiing and then you're.
Just hella shows.
Fun shows