Name: [BONUS] Best of Stav and JP
Uploaded: 2024-07-19T21:32:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '[BONUS] Best of Stav and JP' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '[BONUS] Best of Stav and JP' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-19. Transcript available.

we've got two of my favorite jp just patreon mcdade has escaped the patreon
he's escaped the patreon oh i'm getting called up you're getting called up to
the big leagues
like a chaser you know yeah jp and i roasted twice so i used to know everything
we're talking about two people who have done homework
we have dossiers he knows i used to be fat do you guys remember your best jokes
on each other
i just found the notes app wow my favorite one was jp looks like he says n
double a cp with a hard r
maddie wants blue a 0.24 but that's a terrible way to describe her boyfriend
that was a good one that was a good one she is a drunk who's a lot of ugly guys
i keep doing it you're from sandy hook aren't you that i am yeah um are you
entitled to any money
because i'm i'm assuming you got you got you know if i could any way i could
make the tragedy about me
i'm not gonna do that you know just kind of
really what the families of victims want is for me to kind of like use it as a
launch pad for my
comedy you should do that i should yeah that is true you should try and get a
viral clip i should
leverage it at every opportunity yeah yeah i got called out when i was working
in finance i thought
i was a little finance bro boy like it must have been like 23 24 i was working
downtown and i went
through a phase where like i got a little too comfortable and i was wearing
like boat shoes with
no socks but my banking job it wasn't as like white bread as you might might
think it was my team was
like me and a bunch of dominican women i love how he's like yeah you know you
could be cool and not
waspy you could wear boat shoes no no no no that's not what i meant it didn't
have to be loafers you
can wear the bad guy in the story yeah i'm making fun of myself i'm being self-aware
over you but i was
wearing these i was in a goofy ass phase and uh i was i was working with this
team of like dominican
women so it was just like and they didn't give a fuck it was just like the n-word
flying all day
through the cubicles i was like all right okay okay gals let's have uh let's
get at her today yeah
i don't like you i think they tolerated me they like they kind of liked me in
an ironic way they
were like making fun of me you're a 23 year old gangly ass connecticut boy
cousin greg yeah yeah yeah
you really yeah i probably felt like cousin greg but then what uh one day one
of the one of the um
one of the ladies came over like to my cubicle and she's like uh jp can i can i
talk to you as a
friend oh and i was like sure she's like um your feet stink i was oh okay oh
gosh
i had to scramble to find some kind of oh my god they've been talking about you
for months
there had to be build up before that the boats used to work is so funny yeah no
i'll own that did
you want to be a finance guy there was a time where i was like this is going to
be me i'm going to be a
wall street dude i was making like 40 grand a year oh you were like being evil
but not getting the
reward for it yeah i was in operations i was just kind of into the aesthetics
of the whole you're
like selling subprime mortgages to people poorer than you you're richer than
people doing better than
me doing better than you couldn't have you could not have qualified for those
loans yeah yeah for those
loans to put you under these loans either look at these peasants that occupy
wall street protesting us
it's like they have barista jobs that pay better than mine was it during the
occupy wall street
yeah it was down down by zucati park i am fairly new to being polyamorous um i
have
two beautiful girlfriends who are very kind to me oh yeah we see each other
separately they're not really into
uh sharing me i guess um this dude's a beta alpha yeah yeah yeah this is
exactly what jp's talking
about this guy's exactly who jp was talking about i've been i've got a rotation
of
they get too jealous to be in the same room they'll claw their eyes out going
for my penis
i literally can't have them bring me you two at the same time or there's going
to be a conflict
but she was like a red classic pale redhead big ass tits uh i will say as a as
a since we're
getting into white people race science that style of bitch has a pretty wet
pussy i found
put it in the excel sheet
i'm just saying sometimes you get a pussy that's bordering on too wet it's like
so and maybe that's
because all about those all the little irish dicks have to they can't just up
and down
no they gotta fuck in every direction they got those cliffs of more they're wedded
by the ancient seas
senate staff are caught filming gay sex tape in senate hearing room
bravo more like the senate sucking and room
yeah it's not i don't know about hearing but it's definitely smelling like
shit and cum in there
this is awesome the guy was getting his ass fucked in there that's hilarious
um and i believe he was identified to be who's who's aide senator ben cardin
cardin from ben cardin from maryland so salute to my fellow marylander getting
his ass fucked
and i gotta say this is a huge win for conservatives like for this to happen it
happened right before
christmas right imagine the conversation the victory lap somebody's
conservative dad is taking
yeah read the news lately
just curious um you live in a habit of grace right who'd you vote for last time
around who was that
stops the pitch i'm doing this whole netflix special to get more pussy it's
like i'm doing this whole
shit so i could be a animated voice in a dreamworks movie i'm doing this to
have better stories to
tell when i'm a realtor in two years were you ever a cocaine guy never because
you were a drunk
not even in carolina college not even carolina dude yeah you didn't steal
anything or do anything
completely not that i remember okay i woke up with blood on my knuckles one
time i don't know what
happened there you killed the guy dude wow nothing too crazy it was a head in
my trunk
i don't remember it so it probably is not connected to me in any way yeah it's
not crazy it's just a
weird thing a man who claimed he was the devil told me i was chosen but nothing
really weird pretty
pretty little molly i was born through sperm bank damn never knew who my dad
was um my sister was born
through the same sperm donor so she's a year or two older than me i'm 29 and uh
we found out a year or two
ago that uh we have 28 others siblings and uh we're all about the same age and
uh i found out about my dad as
well i'm trying to figure out whether should i should i reach out to him should
i try to just meet him once
like he's got three kids of his own i'll pause this eldest he doesn't really
this motherfucker wants 28
30 year olds knocking on his door be like hey remember that summer you were so
broke
and the sperm bank didn't turn you down they just let you keep giving jizz over
and over again remember
when you ran out of fake names at 28 you think you're gonna have a moment
it's like yeah it's like this guy just donated sperm and it'd be like one thing
we had a couple but
28 you know about win three of this world series championships
28 is too many dude now look if you're the first one he might actually connect
with you
and then he'll start getting mad like right around like nine imagine how pissed
you'd be
okay this must be wrapping up soon nine motherfuckers came and told me i'm
their dad
and you still got 17 to go i'm sorry 19 to go i'm stupid but you know how badly
were all these guys
like in the early 90s sold a bill of goods yeah yeah no trust me if you donate
sperm they'll never
be able to contact you before the internet these guys couldn't even fathom the
internet oh my god
i didn't even think about that yeah this guy just donating jizz before how's
anyone gonna find out
they're gonna write me a letter oh my god dude tough break for these guys oh
what am i gonna get a fax
one day that says that i'm the five meanwhile there's subreddits like find this
man oh my god
based on the hedges in the background it looks like he's in a suburb of cincinnati
his name is don
i've been dating this girl for almost two years now and i'd say literally
everything with relationship
is like damn near perfect we never fight going great except for one thing and
it's her friend
man oh my god she's got one group of friends that is actually the worst they're
the shittiest people
alive i'm talking every weekend they do the same shit get fucked up getting
fights with each other
throwing fist fights at one another and that's awesome i'm saying i can't deal
with this
anymore if i'm at one more function where two bitches are fighting with their
fists i'm gonna
i'm gonna talk to someone can i tell you something buddy the actual hard but
the man thing to do the
like you know courageous thing to do was like hit one of them is you gotta you
gotta fight
stop standing on the sidelines you gotta rub you gotta rub vaseline all over
your face so you're
slippery and you gotta put on a couple brass knucks you gotta jump off the
porch you're feeling froggy leap
find the fattest one so they know you're not scared of them and her up knock if
you buck
chad johnson and terrell owens reminisce on 12 hours 17 woman orgy damn that's
actually awesome
two guys odd number oh yeah oh yeah i had the big girl owens replied in a clip
captured by
okay during the live stream conversation johnson begins by asking owens if he
remembers the time he was in
the d.r with them women we had a little orgy oh yeah i had the big girl owens
replied you remember
when we had that that time we was in the d.r with women with women when the d.r
with women this really
sounds like two closeted gay men being like yeah dude remember all the pussy we
fought yeah remember
when there was no one else around but me and you in the d.r and there were all
those women
remember when we got a house together and people were suspicious
yeah we actually fucked 100 women and not each other remember when we two guys
who are well known
for their choreographed dances went on vacation together with all that that
everybody though
yeah that had to be the next great only fans channel sundowning yeah where they
do like role
play of like senile old people fucking who's dick is that
freddie is that you is that a young gary player
is that your penis freddie golly okay oh is that okay bring it over is that may
west wait a second oh
goodness are you my dad son is that you freddie i'm shipping off for korea
tomorrow
why what's your willy doing out freddie korean war role play get out of there
that's not your room
not tonight cassandra freddie's over
freddie did you leave the door over why is cassandra here i'm your son
we have one half of the original cush brothers here but the other half right
now is sucking on
tom brady's nutsack jp mcdade wrote some jokes for the roast of tom brady wow
uh and he decided
he's mr hollywood what are you gonna do he's too good for his roots what are
you gonna do
he does forget that he's a cush brother uh and he's forgotten that he's a cush
brother and so
we have actually right here we'll put a video message from jp he's sending it
from the from the
roast what's up cush brothers uh reporting live from the roast of tom brady
outside the kia forum
they definitely led me into the building if that's what you're wondering um i
was i was in there for
sure they didn't stop me at the gate and i i definitely didn't hang around in
the parking lot
for four hours trying to rush past security to get in so whatever you hear uh
you know that's the truth
i'm definitely not positioning myself near the sprinter vans outside the arena
right now trying
to swing an invite to robert craft's after party at the rub and tug but overall
it was a great night
really miss you guys does diesel smell better i like it it's a nice fragrance
like popcorn oil
yeah for stuff to huff yeah it's pretty good yeah nice to work with this that
we find out jp's just
deep into huffing oh yeah dude he shows up to do a podcast with just a gold
circle around his mouth
haven't had a drink in nine and a half years yeah best decision i've ever made
in my life
that feels really good to be a control of my life not alcohol jp we got to get
you out for this second
show is the guy here is the guy here from home depot yeah we're just constantly
that's your plug yeah
we're running uh on the road we're just running a golf cart that you're
constantly like the eldest is jp's
is mr mcdade's golf cart ready i need him to open the second show every time we're
in a new city i'm
looking for hobby shops yeah for airplane glue that's my big man crylon
my name's not crylon here it's jp you don't have a crylon i'm just compulsively
doing this
and by the way it's nice to get a foreign call people claim they can't call in
but
our friend just did so if you're too stupid no more excuses that bitch with
body this more if you're
the place base she figured it out why not you just use google oh that's it that's
the answer play a
really big instrument that's true you'll feel smaller yeah yeah play a cello or
no is that what
a baritone saxophone what is what's that big is that a cello the big ass the
base yeah just called
the base no no but like the double base no no you know the classical instrument
that's
fucking humongous it's a base it's called a base yeah or a double base that's
the stands up string
thing that's called the base yeah dude oh my dick no they call it they call i
guess that's the
light show is when you sit down it's smaller i just thought it would have a
different name it's called
like a it's a base it's a stand-up base or a stand-up base okay
fuck both but still just call the base i don't think it has to have to shut the
up in it because the base is a basic i guess a bass guitar okay i'm stupid i'm
stupid and you're
a fucking bitch no you your dick is small eldest this is one that's like stuff's
dick is real stuff's
dick is big as fuck and elvis is a fucking pussy with a little ass dick and
everybody can suck on my dick
all right i'm straight i'm straight don't care that's another part of the tour
that we didn't
talk about is we wrote a film we wrote a film straight well yeah there's two
films there's
straight shrek straight shrek has been in the works for a long time we've we've
been playing around
straight with straight shrek for most of the tour you know jp do you have an
extra 45 just to break
this idea i can push i'm straight don't care i'm straight don't care shut your
ass
come over here suck this donkey dick i like pussy no donkey i don't want to
suck your
cock anymore the long and the short of it is that straight shrek has been
getting raped by the donkey
he's being coerced by the donkey into gay sex for i guess years that's kind of
the spell he's you can
put a magical element onto it if you want if you need to kind of gritty yeah
and real a gritty reboot
of shrek where he's getting straight but he's getting raped by the dog we had
the spin-off of
straight shrek well but let me just before we get to that and so basically he
begs the donkey to let
him get pussy and prove he's straight goes on a rumspring of sorts yeah it's
kind of like a road
movie right but it starts he gets raped by the donkey a couple times to set the
world that's a world
it's a lot of world building but then we thought well it might be hard to get
straight it might be hard
to get the rights for shrek so we thought maybe with our legal team maybe we
should do an alternate
version and it could be his name would be eric and he's either straight eric or
maybe even bisexual
eric landed on bisexual bisexual eric he still talks like shrek the ip of
donkey was kind of questionable
so we didn't want to do donkey so the hunch bisexual eric and the mule the mule
instead of donkey we'd have
the mule and that would be chris tucker yeah instead of eddie murphy yes but
straight air i'm
sorry by eric would still be he would still i'm bisexual mule i don't want but
he's still kind of
the same thing yeah just because i'm bi it doesn't mean i want to have gay sex
all the time clear because
he kind of has the ideal situation like why he would want to change from being
by maybe he's just i'm a
christian mule i'm a christian yeah i guess we got to think that through cure
me from being bisexual
i don't think he's trying to get cured i just think he wants i think the
central see what it's like
yeah yeah he's bi but he's never a woman maybe yeah eric you guys keep saying mule
that's eric's voice
no no no well eric is like i'm bisexual i'm bisexual i never had pussy i'm only
bisexual in theory
mule i don't want to have get sex with you anymore i've never put it into
practice
so yeah it's a really rich man and like the mule is a donkey man i'm a mule
baby i'm you man i'm
the mule you gotta get out there get some pussy so also the idea that someone
asking the question
what's your opinion about farting around the girls as if he's like i mean this
he might be a child i
guess but that's yeah this is a question that a baby asks like a guy who first
gets to be around like
like this is the question the biggest problem in my life right now where do i
need guidance i love
farts and girls are um so yeah this guy got chewed out because he farted around
a girl and they're
like ew that's gross and they were right and his friend was like dude come on
my girlfriend doesn't
like that he's like that we don't need her dude he's clearly just mad at his
friend who now has a
girlfriend he's not showing him as much attention we still hang out like we
never did this this was never
part of our dynamic farting around girls yeah what's your take on that
jordan peterson debating oh scholars have debated this for many years
it isn't proper a man who isn't capable of flatulence around a woman is not
very useful
a dangerous man knows to let his ass rip around a woman we are meant to decapitate
our enemies
and actually just the gayest nerd of all time just talking about being danger a
dangerous man is a
useful man shut the up just buying suits off of instagram ads and crying crying
looking like the
fucking fucking concierge at a ghost hotel weeping

[BONUS] Best of Stav and JP

we've got two of my favorite jp just patreon mcdade has escaped the patreon
he's escaped the patreon oh i'm getting called up you're getting called up to
the big leagues
like a chaser you know yeah jp and i roasted twice so i used to know everything
we're talking about two people who have done homework
we have dossiers he knows i used to be fat do you guys remember your best jokes
on each other
i just found the notes app wow my favorite one was jp looks like he says n
double a cp with a hard r
maddie wants blue a 0.24 but that's a terrible way to describe her boyfriend
that was a good one that was a good one she is a drunk who's a lot of ugly guys
i keep doing it you're from sandy hook aren't you that i am yeah um are you
entitled to any money
because i'm i'm assuming you got you got you know if i could any way i could
make the tragedy about me
i'm not gonna do that you know just kind of
really what the families of victims want is for me to kind of like use it as a
launch pad for my
comedy you should do that i should yeah that is true you should try and get a
viral clip i should
leverage it at every opportunity yeah yeah i got called out when i was working
in finance i thought
i was a little finance bro boy like it must have been like 23 24 i was working
downtown and i went
through a phase where like i got a little too comfortable and i was wearing
like boat shoes with
no socks but my banking job it wasn't as like white bread as you might might
think it was my team was
like me and a bunch of dominican women i love how he's like yeah you know you
could be cool and not
waspy you could wear boat shoes no no no no that's not what i meant it didn't
have to be loafers you
can wear the bad guy in the story yeah i'm making fun of myself i'm being self-aware
over you but i was
wearing these i was in a goofy ass phase and uh i was i was working with this
team of like dominican
women so it was just like and they didn't give a fuck it was just like the n-word
flying all day
through the cubicles i was like all right okay okay gals let's have uh let's
get at her today yeah
i don't like you i think they tolerated me they like they kind of liked me in
an ironic way they
were like making fun of me you're a 23 year old gangly ass connecticut boy
cousin greg yeah yeah yeah
you really yeah i probably felt like cousin greg but then what uh one day one
of the one of the um
one of the ladies came over like to my cubicle and she's like uh jp can i can i
talk to you as a
friend oh and i was like sure she's like um your feet stink i was oh okay oh
gosh
i had to scramble to find some kind of oh my god they've been talking about you
for months
there had to be build up before that the boats used to work is so funny yeah no
i'll own that did
you want to be a finance guy there was a time where i was like this is going to
be me i'm going to be a
wall street dude i was making like 40 grand a year oh you were like being evil
but not getting the
reward for it yeah i was in operations i was just kind of into the aesthetics
of the whole you're
like selling subprime mortgages to people poorer than you you're richer than
people doing better than
me doing better than you couldn't have you could not have qualified for those
loans yeah yeah for those
loans to put you under these loans either look at these peasants that occupy
wall street protesting us
it's like they have barista jobs that pay better than mine was it during the
occupy wall street
yeah it was down down by zucati park i am fairly new to being polyamorous um i
have
two beautiful girlfriends who are very kind to me oh yeah we see each other
separately they're not really into
uh sharing me i guess um this dude's a beta alpha yeah yeah yeah this is
exactly what jp's talking
about this guy's exactly who jp was talking about i've been i've got a rotation
of
they get too jealous to be in the same room they'll claw their eyes out going
for my penis
i literally can't have them bring me you two at the same time or there's going
to be a conflict
but she was like a red classic pale redhead big ass tits uh i will say as a as
a since we're
getting into white people race science that style of bitch has a pretty wet
pussy i found
put it in the excel sheet
i'm just saying sometimes you get a pussy that's bordering on too wet it's like
so and maybe that's
because all about those all the little irish dicks have to they can't just up
and down
no they gotta fuck in every direction they got those cliffs of more they're wedded
by the ancient seas
senate staff are caught filming gay sex tape in senate hearing room
bravo more like the senate sucking and room
yeah it's not i don't know about hearing but it's definitely smelling like
shit and cum in there
this is awesome the guy was getting his ass fucked in there that's hilarious
um and i believe he was identified to be who's who's aide senator ben cardin
cardin from ben cardin from maryland so salute to my fellow marylander getting
his ass fucked
and i gotta say this is a huge win for conservatives like for this to happen it
happened right before
christmas right imagine the conversation the victory lap somebody's
conservative dad is taking
yeah read the news lately
just curious um you live in a habit of grace right who'd you vote for last time
around who was that
stops the pitch i'm doing this whole netflix special to get more pussy it's
like i'm doing this whole
shit so i could be a animated voice in a dreamworks movie i'm doing this to
have better stories to
tell when i'm a realtor in two years were you ever a cocaine guy never because
you were a drunk
not even in carolina college not even carolina dude yeah you didn't steal
anything or do anything
completely not that i remember okay i woke up with blood on my knuckles one
time i don't know what
happened there you killed the guy dude wow nothing too crazy it was a head in
my trunk
i don't remember it so it probably is not connected to me in any way yeah it's
not crazy it's just a
weird thing a man who claimed he was the devil told me i was chosen but nothing
really weird pretty
pretty little molly i was born through sperm bank damn never knew who my dad
was um my sister was born
through the same sperm donor so she's a year or two older than me i'm 29 and uh
we found out a year or two
ago that uh we have 28 others siblings and uh we're all about the same age and
uh i found out about my dad as
well i'm trying to figure out whether should i should i reach out to him should
i try to just meet him once
like he's got three kids of his own i'll pause this eldest he doesn't really
this motherfucker wants 28
30 year olds knocking on his door be like hey remember that summer you were so
broke
and the sperm bank didn't turn you down they just let you keep giving jizz over
and over again remember
when you ran out of fake names at 28 you think you're gonna have a moment
it's like yeah it's like this guy just donated sperm and it'd be like one thing
we had a couple but
28 you know about win three of this world series championships
28 is too many dude now look if you're the first one he might actually connect
with you
and then he'll start getting mad like right around like nine imagine how pissed
you'd be
okay this must be wrapping up soon nine motherfuckers came and told me i'm
their dad
and you still got 17 to go i'm sorry 19 to go i'm stupid but you know how badly
were all these guys
like in the early 90s sold a bill of goods yeah yeah no trust me if you donate
sperm they'll never
be able to contact you before the internet these guys couldn't even fathom the
internet oh my god
i didn't even think about that yeah this guy just donating jizz before how's
anyone gonna find out
they're gonna write me a letter oh my god dude tough break for these guys oh
what am i gonna get a fax
one day that says that i'm the five meanwhile there's subreddits like find this
man oh my god
based on the hedges in the background it looks like he's in a suburb of cincinnati
his name is don
i've been dating this girl for almost two years now and i'd say literally
everything with relationship
is like damn near perfect we never fight going great except for one thing and
it's her friend
man oh my god she's got one group of friends that is actually the worst they're
the shittiest people
alive i'm talking every weekend they do the same shit get fucked up getting
fights with each other
throwing fist fights at one another and that's awesome i'm saying i can't deal
with this
anymore if i'm at one more function where two bitches are fighting with their
fists i'm gonna
i'm gonna talk to someone can i tell you something buddy the actual hard but
the man thing to do the
like you know courageous thing to do was like hit one of them is you gotta you
gotta fight
stop standing on the sidelines you gotta rub you gotta rub vaseline all over
your face so you're
slippery and you gotta put on a couple brass knucks you gotta jump off the
porch you're feeling froggy leap
find the fattest one so they know you're not scared of them and her up knock if
you buck
chad johnson and terrell owens reminisce on 12 hours 17 woman orgy damn that's
actually awesome
two guys odd number oh yeah oh yeah i had the big girl owens replied in a clip
captured by
okay during the live stream conversation johnson begins by asking owens if he
remembers the time he was in
the d.r with them women we had a little orgy oh yeah i had the big girl owens
replied you remember
when we had that that time we was in the d.r with women with women when the d.r
with women this really
sounds like two closeted gay men being like yeah dude remember all the pussy we
fought yeah remember
when there was no one else around but me and you in the d.r and there were all
those women
remember when we got a house together and people were suspicious
yeah we actually fucked 100 women and not each other remember when we two guys
who are well known
for their choreographed dances went on vacation together with all that that
everybody though
yeah that had to be the next great only fans channel sundowning yeah where they
do like role
play of like senile old people fucking who's dick is that
freddie is that you is that a young gary player
is that your penis freddie golly okay oh is that okay bring it over is that may
west wait a second oh
goodness are you my dad son is that you freddie i'm shipping off for korea
tomorrow
why what's your willy doing out freddie korean war role play get out of there
that's not your room
not tonight cassandra freddie's over
freddie did you leave the door over why is cassandra here i'm your son
we have one half of the original cush brothers here but the other half right
now is sucking on
tom brady's nutsack jp mcdade wrote some jokes for the roast of tom brady wow
uh and he decided
he's mr hollywood what are you gonna do he's too good for his roots what are
you gonna do
he does forget that he's a cush brother uh and he's forgotten that he's a cush
brother and so
we have actually right here we'll put a video message from jp he's sending it
from the from the
roast what's up cush brothers uh reporting live from the roast of tom brady
outside the kia forum
they definitely led me into the building if that's what you're wondering um i
was i was in there for
sure they didn't stop me at the gate and i i definitely didn't hang around in
the parking lot
for four hours trying to rush past security to get in so whatever you hear uh
you know that's the truth
i'm definitely not positioning myself near the sprinter vans outside the arena
right now trying
to swing an invite to robert craft's after party at the rub and tug but overall
it was a great night
really miss you guys does diesel smell better i like it it's a nice fragrance
like popcorn oil
yeah for stuff to huff yeah it's pretty good yeah nice to work with this that
we find out jp's just
deep into huffing oh yeah dude he shows up to do a podcast with just a gold
circle around his mouth
haven't had a drink in nine and a