Name: Stavvy's World #96 - Ahamed Weinberg | Full Episode
Uploaded: 2024-09-30T10:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #96 - Ahamed Weinberg | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #96 - Ahamed Weinberg | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-30. Transcript available.

Stavvy's World #96 - Ahamed Weinberg | Full Episode

Oppa-ha! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STAV. Call in, leave a voicemail,
we'll solve all your problems.
We got our boy Ahamud Weinberg on the couch.
Yerp.
What's up, dawg?
What's up, man?
How we doing?
Great, I just took a shit.
Nice shit in my apartment.
Yeah.
But I respect that. He's a visitor from out of town. He's not someone who came
straight from his apartment and then took a shit, Ian Finance.
And then fucking wouldn't apologize for his absolute lapse in decorum.
But we don't have to get into that right now.
We don't have to get into that at all.
We don't have to get into that right now.
This is a man from Los Angeles who's, you know, he didn't have a friendly
toilet to lay his cheeks on, but that's what we provided here.
And then I had to make a really tough choice because I had to piss before the
podcast, and I had to decide whether to follow your shit or Eldis' piss.
And I chose piss, and boy was I wrong.
Eldis' meaty, disgusting piss.
Well, I shitted about 40 minutes ago in there, too.
Oh, that's what that was.
That was my second shit of the morning.
Did you say shitted?
Yeah.
That's like so Albanian, dude.
He said he shitted in there.
You fucking idiot.
You fucking troglodyte.
That's the best that the past tense shit is.
I know.
That's the funniest word possible.
That's so stupid, dude.
That's the dumbest thing you could possibly say.
But that makes a lot of sense that you shit in there 40 minutes ago.
Because honestly, you're all saying you're a vegetarian compared to how
unhealthy Eldis is.
I should have just followed your shit.
I'm a pescatarian, so there's a little of the fish scent coming out.
What did you have recently?
Any fish?
What was your last meal?
My last meal was pizza.
Pizza.
Yeah.
Okay, okay.
I'm a visitor.
I just go get pizza.
See, so pizza, though, if you go hard enough on the dairy.
Yeah, it can be bad.
That can be bad.
You can have some tough shits.
But a fat piss can still be really atrocious.
I have piss sometimes where I'm like, how does this smell this bad?
Yeah.
Where it smells like you're opening up a can of dog food.
You know, like that first puncture of canned meat.
And it's like, oh, that's what some of my piss is.
You're like, how old is this can?
Yeah, yeah.
How old is it?
How stale is this piss?
By the way, your bidet thing is so nice.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
You sit down and it's warm.
But it's not another human's warmth.
It's a robot's warmth.
And it starts, I don't know what it's doing, but as soon as you sit down, it
starts making sounds.
I think it's calibrating for your asshole specifically.
It's like clear at the airport.
You have to scan your ring so it knows each fold of your hole and it can clean
in there just nice.
No, we're not there yet, but soon.
It'll be, yeah, that's the future of toilets.
That's the only thing where I'm like, that doesn't scare me about the future.
I will give up every civil liberty to have an incredibly clean asshole.
Like, usually I'm weird, like, with security and privacy shit, I feel like I
behave the way my friends who think recycling is going to do anything.
You know what I mean?
When you meet these friends, they're like, we have to recycle.
It's like, it's all getting thrown away.
It's not working.
And that's how I'm about privacy, where I'm like, no, we can't buy that doorbell
camera.
They steal your data.
It's like, everyone steals your fucking data.
But in my head, I'm like, I don't care.
I have to, like, do something, right?
Yeah.
Having said that, if I could biometrically scan my ass and give it to the
fucking CIA to get the best, give it to, like, a private company, even.
Imagine every toilet you sit on, it scans your asshole.
Scans your ass.
It knows exactly what you want.
Cleans it like a whistle.
Oh, clean as a whistle when you get out there.
It comes out fresh and dry.
Great.
I'm so bidet.
And I'm shocked that you're anti-bidet, Elders.
Is that true?
I was pro-bidet for the longest time.
Then I got a UTI that I'm pretty.
Don't blame the bidet.
Do not blame the bidet.
There was a lot going on.
It was during a two-heavy part of the year.
Yeah.
I am pretty, I was especially unhealthy when this happened.
You also don't shower ever.
You go seven, you'll go legitimately three days without showering.
At this time, I was not showering that much.
There's a lot of traveling, a lot of.
A lot of traveling does not bail you off, man.
You're in a hotel with nothing to do for like four hours when we travel.
There's plenty of opportunity to shower.
You're in a room next to a shower.
You fucking.
Also, the bidet is going to clean you.
That's not.
That's the opposite.
Let me tell you how he's thinking.
This guy is like, these showers are making me filthy.
He thinks the shit particles got into his dick.
That's what he thinks.
Yes.
From a bidet?
I think so.
Your dick is too small for that to even be on the table.
I think the toilet I was on, the seat was like extra small for my big ass.
So that was part of it.
That's way more the culprit than the bidet.
I think the bidet brand also didn't help.
I've used other bidets with like much more precise like streams.
What was this?
This was just a free for all.
It's just spraying from every angle.
Yeah.
He calls the bidet.
He makes his wife hose his ass down.
He makes his wife stand on the fire escape and hose his ass down while he
spreads his cheeks
over the bathroom, over the toilet.
But ever since this UTI.
That's your blaming one subpar bidet.
Don't you, I don't want to hear a bad word about my, I have.
Look, the point, the point is now I like.
I don't want to expose myself as part of the 1%, but that is not a cheap bidet,
pal.
I am actually, it's the one thing I'm embarrassed about how much it costs.
I've been scared to use any bidet since.
And I just shower more instead now.
The part that worries me.
I guess that's a silver lining.
Yeah.
That bidet worries me because it has a remote control.
Yeah.
Which I'm a little worried about.
Yeah.
The cleanliness of the remote.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
But, but.
Because we're not thinking about that.
Here's the thing.
You're not using your hands.
You're not using your hands to wipe your ass.
That's true.
You come out there with clean hands.
That's what, the clean hands use the thing.
And sure, you got to take one wipe to get some of the excess moisture out.
Not me.
Nice.
I love that.
Just leave it wet.
Yeah, get sopping.
Yeah.
Pre-lubed up with shit water.
That is a good point.
The bidet, that is not, that is a good point.
But, you know, we clean, we give it a Clorox wipe.
You clean the remote.
I'll clean the remote.
I bet the remote for the bidet is cleaner than your TV remote.
Yeah, that's probably true.
If you scanned it.
That's probably true.
Because Eldest touches my TV remote.
That's the big issue.
Oh, give me a break.
This guy eats a meal, the remote is all greasy five minutes later.
It's not asshole fucking dirt.
I didn't say anything about buffalo wing dirt.
Also, like, remotes are, like, when men are alone watching TV, it's like the
dirtiest we are.
That's true.
Like, you're scratching your dick.
Oh, you're jerking off, even.
Who amongst us hasn't had a nice couch jerk?
One left to their own devices.
I know you have, Eldest.
Hamid, I don't know.
Have you jerked off on the couch by yourself?
On my couch?
On your couch.
Or your couch?
Yeah, well, you just got here.
I just got here.
But I've already jerked off on your couch.
That would be an alternative.
Like, I show up and I'm like, hey, man, I got to jerk off real quick.
Yeah, hey, man, is it cool if I jerk off really fast?
Yeah.
And I'm like, sure, man.
I just got to need jerk chamber.
That's the future Kamala wants.
That's so true.
That's what I want to talk about today.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
On September 11th.
Yeah.
Well, it's probably September 20th.
It's September 30th, actually.
Oh, sorry.
You looked at the wrong calendar.
My bad.
I actually don't have any tour dates coming up.
I have nothing to promote.
Sorry I came up.
Oh, man.
So when did you start?
How long have you been going veggie for?
My whole life.
My whole life.
My parents are vegetarians.
And your parents, I mean, we, you know.
You met my dad.
I met your dad.
He loves you.
Great guy.
He's a big fan of your pop.
Your dad, like, ruined my day one time.
My dad, sorry.
My dad ruined my day one day because we went and saw a show in North Philly in
a basement.
Yep.
And he's always critical of my stand-up.
Yeah.
In the most, like, precise.
That's so interesting.
I can't even fathom a world where my parents even understand stand-up comedy,
let alone being, you know, critical of it.
Right.
Well, I mean, I live in L.A. and my parents are here.
So, when I visit and our time is short, I'm like, hey, come to my show.
Philly or New York?
Well, if I'm in New York, they usually come visit.
Gotcha.
Come visit.
Yeah.
But they're on the East Coast.
They're on the East Coast.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, my dad will come and see me do stand-up and we'll leave and he'll be like,
you know, the other comics seem to have, like, a plan.
That's so funny.
Hurts so deeply.
Yes, of course.
And I'm like, I'm just working on stuff.
And he's like, don't you feel bad for them that you're just like, like, don't
you feel like you're, you know, it's not respectful to just kind of, like, wing
it.
But, yeah, we saw you and he was like, man, that guy, fucking, that guy's great.
In a fucking basement in North Philly.
Yeah.
I'll take it.
I'll take it, Pops.
That was cool.
Yeah, I mean, it's so interesting to get, I can't imagine getting, like, fatherly
disappointment in stand-up.
It's the art form you go to to get away from that.
You know what I mean?
Like, where it's like, like, I'm so far away from something my father could
ever, like, critique.
I mean, he also doesn't understand English that well.
Like, that's part of it.
Like, he'll get a dick joke.
You know what I mean?
He'll get, like, a couple things will cut through.
But there's plenty.
I'll say, if he came to see me, actually, I didn't watch his face when he was
there.
And my guess is my dad probably would understand, with no hitch, 45% of my act.
And then the other part, he's just, like, kind of along for the vibes kind of
thing.
What's a bidet?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who's Elon Musk?
Who's Elon Musk?
Yeah, my dad has no idea.
The references, probably.
He's just hanging with his boys at the coffee shop.
My dad was in L.A. for two weeks staying with me.
So we really broed out.
That's interesting.
Hell yeah.
It was really cool.
Do you have any siblings?
I have a sister, yeah.
You have a sister.
Yeah, younger sister.
She's in Philly.
She's, like, a barber.
Cool.
She's a cool, normal person.
Cool alt barber.
She's got tats.
She's got tats.
Yeah, she's awesome.
She, like, doesn't consider herself as Muslim or religious as me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she's, like, living a normal life.
Yeah, so you're...
She doesn't have the same, like, neuroses.
Well, your parents sort of doomed you to...
If you're a neurotic person, it's, like, there's so much going on with, like...
Because your dad was, like...
I love the story of your dad is a Jew or born Jewish, converted to Islam, right?
Converted to Islam, but it's, like, Sufism.
Do you know about that?
It's, like, mystical...
Oh, wow.
...cool, like, hippie Muslim.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a lot of Jews who became Sufis.
That makes...
That's interesting.
Because Jews are cool and Sufis are cool and it all, like, the pipeline's
pretty good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But this was in the 70s and, you know, there are a lot of...
Boy, did he not see how things were going to go.
Boy, did he not pick right.
He's, like, he's just smoking weed in a VW Bug.
He's, like, I'm going to do something cool that's going to appear countercultural
in the future
and will have no other repercussions on how people view me.
I know, and now it's, like...
He literally thought he would be looked at, like, a guy who loves fish.
And now people are, like, he's fu