Name: Stavvy's World #161 - Kumail Nanjiani | Full Episode
Uploaded: 2025-12-29T11:00:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #161 - Kumail Nanjiani | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stavvy's World #161 - Kumail Nanjiani | Full Episode' from Stavvy's World on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-29. Transcript available.

Stavvy's World #161 - Kumail Nanjiani | Full Episode

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STAV.
Call in, we'll solve all your problems.
We got on the couch Kumail Nanjiani.
We're pumped to have you here, dude.
Thanks for coming.
Night thoughts.
On Hulu, you like the professional intro?
That was a really, until you said that, I was so impressed.
I was like, honestly, first thought was, he knows the phone number by heart.
It took a while.
We've been doing this show two and a half years.
This guy's going places.
And by the way, the last four digits are Stav.
I know.
I know.
Hey, that's professional, too.
That's not a coincidence.
That's why people are like, oh, are you from Jacksonville?
It's like, no, we put in Stav on Google Voice and whatever number came back we
took.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's great.
Love it, though.
But yeah, got the new special out.
Nice to have you here, dude.
We're big fans.
I mean, when we met at, we were like, saw Naked Gun.
Naked Gun.
Which was awesome.
It's so funny.
Really good.
So good.
Really good.
I told you, like, I weirdly was keyed in on, because I was really into stand-up
when you
were like, kind of taking off, before the acting stuff at all.
Yeah.
We're talking just, you were like, I was like, really investigating, hey, what
alt comics
are on the rise?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And like, I have these very vivid memories of being, I worked at the grad
school at University
of Maryland, Baltimore County.
I was my jobs, my senior year.
How is that school?
It's, it's actually pretty good.
Yeah.
It's not a bad school.
Not a fun school.
It's one of those like, you know, you'll get an education, but you know.
But it kind of sucks, Dick.
Like, the parties were all like, I remember being like, heat up.
I'm so pumped.
I'm like, I'm in college, baby.
Going to my first college party in a dorm, fully 19 men, two girls, two girls.
Bad ratio.
Uncomfortable.
The girls were like, we got to get out of here.
And it's just, there's just enough room for a, someone brought in a folding
table in a
little dorm.
And it's just literally a beer pong and just like people circling around it
like it's the
coliseum.
Yeah.
There's no way to talk.
Everyone's trying to shuffle to get close to the girls.
You know, obviously no, none of us got to fuck them.
They all, they were long gone.
Somebody, somebody got to fuck them.
You're right.
Somebody did.
You know what?
One of my roommates did at a certain point end up fucking them.
So I did spend, I did, I got to know her through as like a girl getting fucked
while I'm pretending
to sleep.
That was always the worst.
I've been there when it was like sex was like a distant, like there's no way
this will
ever happen for me.
I didn't lose my, you know, I was like fairly like into my college career
before I lost my
virginity.
Me too.
Me too.
You were?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, we, we were not pussy getters in high school.
Me and this guy, we grew up together and we really, really pathetically tried
to,
have sex our whole adolescence and it did not work out for us.
Yeah.
I mean, I remember certain, you know, 16, 17, 18 being like, I will just never
have sex.
Oh, it's just not going to happen for me.
That was exactly right.
Because I don't deserve it.
My dick's too small.
I have a pathetic little dick.
I'm ugly.
I got a terrible personality.
I feel like people with terrible dicks are fucking, but I'm like, I got nothing
to offer
a woman.
Why would she, I don't deserve it.
They're right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, that's interesting.
Cause I think I had a, some kind of sexual comp, like I thought I was
inadequate cause I
couldn't, cause I did, I could get girls to like me.
Cause I was always had like the, I was always like fun.
The moment someone had showed that it was possible, I clammed up.
I was a coward.
You choked.
Dude, I blew so many opportunities.
Yeah.
You were missing free throws.
Yeah.
I'm at the line.
It's shaking.
You already know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like the crowd noise.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
Like Chris Webber.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I'm calling a timeout.
Absolutely.
I had so many opportunities, like starting young, like the first time I like
saw, I touched
titties.
I was like 15, 14.
Oh my God.
Did she, did she know?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
She was, she was unconscious.
I was volunteering at an old folks home.
I was getting, I was getting my, I was trying to pump up my college resume.
Still coach.
I would dress, what I would do is I would dress up in a world war two outfit.
I would say, Dolly, I'm home.
We got those crowds.
You've been waiting for this day for 40 years.
And you know, people say I didn't get consent.
I made those old ladies day.
For I come back with flowers.
That's the best day she's had in decades since she got the letter.
This is the best day she's had.
It was, it was, yeah, it was like the Greek festival.
It's at my church.
That was the one night a year you would get drunk as a child at our church.
That's a thing.
Is, is, is a Greek church like a drinky place?
Well, we would have the big money maker for every Greek church you go to.
Like if you've ever been to any bumfuck town, they're having a Greek festival.
It's because the Orthodox church in that town.
Oh, that's interesting.
Because where Emily's from North Carolina, there's a Greek festival that she
talks about.
And that, and it's like the money maker, that makes the church's money for the
year.
Because everybody comes.
That's what it is.
That's really all it is.
It's like the biggest fundraiser.
I was like, why do they have a Greek festival?
Yeah.
And so.
It's a scam.
Exactly.
And they loved getting, and, and, and Greeks, you know, they'll fucking, they'll
let children
drink, whatever.
And it was like New Year's in the Greek festival.
It was like June and, you know, December.
It was like your two nights to get fucked up as a child.
Right.
And just like try and, you know, make out.
And literally the first time I touched titties was at my church, drunk as hell
off of like,
and like my brother's god sister was like working the bar.
And so she's like, here's all the beers you want, little buddy.
Like I'm just getting served as a child.
Right.
I felt like the man.
So then.
But anyway.
Talk me through this moment.
You know, it was just a, a girl who, let's just say great gal, fun gal.
She came with someone else and I just kind of waited for him to blow it.
I just kind of was on the periphery.
I just circling and it was one of those like slowly circling closer and we, I
knew, I kind
of knew her.
She was like from my school.
Uh, and she, this was her like exotic come to, come to East Baltimore and check
out what
the Greeks are up to.
Like a white trash girl who was on a, like a, uh, just a rough graphic.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, she's surveying the natives.
Yeah, exactly.
And I just think whoever brought her kind of blue, it was like, there was one
at this
Greek festival.
There was one more timid pussy than me and I just had to outdo him.
It's like what they say about running away from a bear.
You don't got to be fast.
She's just going to be better than the worst.
I slash his hamstrings so the no pussy getting bear catches him instead of me.
Um, and yeah, you know, it was great.
One of the, one of the highlights of my life.
Did you see her again?
Yeah.
It was one of those classic, she, she was like such a seasoned pro at like
getting,
getting her titties touched and getting her titties touched that to her, it was
like, like
now, you know, like in your thirties, you might get drunk and be like, Oh, I
can't believe
I made out with that person.
I was kind of wild or whatever.
You're like, uh, you know, you're capable of that.
She was kind of in that mode at like 15.
So I remember being at my, my telemarketing job, uh, the next day, which by the
way, I
was also a 15 year old telemarketer for, uh, American government mortgage.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah.
I could pick that up from your vibe.
When I first encountered you, I was like somewhere in his teens, this guy was
selling
shit, bullshit on a phone.
I didn't, I didn't close a single app.
I would like to, I didn't, I didn't help the housing crisis.
In fact, I kind of took some of the money away from you're like bad guy in the
big short.
Exactly.
Basically.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was just a very incompetent guy at one of those offices.
So I was actually good.
You were actually helped.
I was helping.
Right.
I was getting $10 an hour from one of these horrible shell companies.
That's what, you know, what is so funny to me?
Like, this is the thing that all those people who got stuck in the Riyadh
comedy festival,
by the way, funny new story of the last 10 years.
It is really funny.
It's so good.
And I also, I mean, I obviously I wouldn't, I got offered, I didn't want to do
it.
I think we shouldn't support, you know, regime, like it's a monarchy that has
so many human
rights violations and it's like, I wouldn't have done it, but whatever.
But I also, it is funny because Kamala wins.
No one gives a fuck about this.
Everyone is cashing their checks for fucking, you know, and so many of these
are the same
people.
Like, I bet you Gabriel Iglesias is doing a fucking private for like Deloitte.
He's fucking, he's like signing bombs for like, you know, Northrop Grumman and
shit like
that.
Like they probably named a bomb Fluffy or something in the past.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
He's probably gotten like $2 million to do stand up.
Like all these guys.
I'm not murderous.
I'm Fluffy.
Like all these guys are used to cashing huge checks from evil people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they're like, now I have to, now I'm getting in trouble.
To me, it's so funny because not one person was like, Hey, I am taking money
away from
them.
What I'm going to use it for is going to be better.
What they will use it for.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Why did nobody come up with that?
They tried, but it was too late.
They tried after they got caught.
And then I think there were like human rights groups were like, we don't want
blood money.
To me, that's the funniest.
It's when people try to donate it.
They were like, we don't want it.
There's nothing you can do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a tough one.
But anyway, yes.
So how did it end real quickly?
Put a button on and then we'll actually talk to our guest who.
I'm so interested in this.
I just remember being like, like going into my job being like, well, it looks
like I have
a girlfriend and like, and then like cruise the MySpace days and being like, oh,
let's
see if, have I made her top eight yet?
Like truly.
Wow.
Cause I had no, I had no, I had no, I had no, and never gotten any romantic
attention from
a girl.
So I just figured like once she kisses, it's so important.
She's your girlfriend.
Yeah.
It changes how you see yourself.
And then it was like, not only that, but like, it becomes clear by cruising her
MySpace.
She has a boyfriend.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then she's messaging me like, LOL, I don't even remember what happened last.
Oh, she's trying to backtrack.
And now I'm like, haha, me neither.
I'm fucking crying.
I'm crying in my cubicle.
You've been replaying it exactly as it happened in your head all week.
In my head.
It's the start of our wedding video.
I could draw it.
Yeah.
I could animate the whole thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I totally, my first kiss.
I remember this was in college, you know, I was late bloomer for sure.
Nothing going on in Pakistan.
No.
Yeah.
No, not for me.
Sure.
Sure.
Sure.
I'm sure people somewhere were doing stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, it's just such a different environment.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Different priorities.
Blame the culture.
People were trying to get laid.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
i was focusing on math yeah yeah um this really cute girl in college was like
into me and that
when we the first time we kissed i was so bad that it completely immediately
that was it that ruined
it it was so bad because i was like well the goal must be to get as much of my
tongue into her face
as possible right yeah i think par