Name: Geezer Face
Uploaded: 2020-03-16T20:47:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Geezer Face' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Geezer Face' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-16. Transcript available.

Geezer Face

yeah we live baby what's going on we're live dude i got some phones yo uh i don't
know if
you noticed dude i spruced up a little bit what my setup's looking a little
tighter right now
you said it looks sick now check it out dude
damn you outside right now i'm about to be
my salt life hat's not working there you go i was wondering why i couldn't hear
you how am i
sounding on your headphones sound perfect beautiful dude beautiful damn it i
don't see you in that
natural light it's salt life dude damn it's salt life you might step outside
and fade from view
so negative dude
it's like a harry potter invisibility cloak
just like everybody in my life dude nothing but negativity out of you no way
dude i was working
with my inherent negativity today i don't even hear that well i've a lot of
people are mad that i'm
here which is very funny who's mad at you i don't know like uh i was talking to
soda he was like what
are you doing there i was talking to people people are like mad that i'm here
why are they mad you're in
uh dude they're jealous that i'm they're jealous that i'm in salt life and they're
in new york
dude true new york would suck dick during this that's tight door this whole
thing you're just driving
a jeep salt life in it bro i was just driving dude i'm driving in the jeep
around my island
and it's like you're a native bro it's so sick you're like a native hawaiian by
now
aloha mahalo so what's going on bro
dude as you can see reset my place up i i mean you probably can't see your base
that's basically
salt life i mean come on man i should be surfing right now i just can't yeah i
hung a sheet up i uh
the dogs are behaving they're over there they're being good i got you see my
globe yeah let everybody
know you're worldly bro well i mean i don't know if you pay attention like this
do you see where it's
set to the latitude oh i see it yes right on the 30 second power right on you're
pointing it out
letting them know right on wuhan dude exactly the 30 second latitude is right
over wuhan yeah i didn't
realize how big wuhan was huh how big that city was is it big i thought you i
thought you could see
that from my globe i'm like how the fuck can you see that oh yeah yeah no it's
it's like it's massive
yeah every city over there like we have like two cities we have new york and la
they have like
they have like 20 cities at least that are those sizes it's wild yeah
population-wise they have like
big metropolises yes big metropolis is full of people just crushing bats dude
oh god dude just
transylvania instead of starback they have star bats dude everybody's just in
line crushing bats
damn dude it's all it's funny dude it's just geezers at the pool during the day
i'm gonna do graham
stoker's i'm gonna do a new vampire movie that just ends with him turning to a
bat and snatch out of the
air in a net and like distribute it through a wet it'll make the end of you
know like the end of uh
fuck the irishman we're just like 20 minutes of his sad old life yeah dracula
to be trapped in with
a bunch of other bats unable to transform he turns back in they just gobble him
up anyway they're like
whatever yeah dude i just watched the irishman last night i are calling it the
irishman that's how it's
spelled the irishman it's the irishman yeah that's weird i didn't so you can
say irishman that's not
offensive but you would say batman huh china man you're not allowed to say you
say the irishman but
you can't make a movie can't make a movie called the china man
why is that i think i think i've talked about this my my friend's dad used to
call any asian a chinaman
oh like girl like girls like they his yeah like they had uh they they're like
aunt and uncle adopted
these asian kids and then come here get over here you little china man just
yeah he was just kind of
sweet that's kind of sweet in his own way it is so how are they now there's are
the relations contentious
or are they like i bet it is you get a little older and you're like that was
kind of up i don't know
dude that might be how you produce a beast like andrew yang it might be it
might be his origin story
dude he has a white adopted father who's like get over here china man is this
is this uh highway and
all these sick-ass mopeds getting picked up on the audio not on my headphones
no okay not on that mike
bro i think you got a you got a pro mike right there i got the sniffles bro you
got this i got
coronis wait so you hooked up with charles barkley i hooked up with charles
barkley on spring break
in miami and now i think i have coronis were you at the chem sex party the guy
got busted for
no but i heard it was you sir charles obama's aide and then like a hot jacked
male prostitute i was
definitely near i was close dude i was close by i'm surprised if they would
have known i was in
town they would have invited me true but i was out with the boys dude when last
night no in miami
dude we have a new we have a new college football team our college football
team is penn state
oh that's what we switched dude i thought it was the hurricanes
no it was the nittany lions so you were penn state the other night i was i had
to remind them that they
did in fact their team did bang boys how they liked that they laughed they they
all you know they lulled
about it then they were like yeah yeah we we do we do yeah dude i've said it
before they should be
named to the penn state sanduskies that'd be incredible that's terrible they
need to embrace
it they really do need to embrace being duskies the penn state sanduskies dude
well we were talking
about it we started talking about it and one of them brought up uh a thing i
never really
fucking thought of which is so do you remember the story where uh the coach saw
coach mike mcquery
this is like ginger yep walked in and saw sandusky getting down with a boy in
the shower yep and then
just didn't stop it dude he went home and he told his parents and his parents
called a doctor
and the doctor interviewed him like did you see him have sex and he was like i
no i don't think they
were having the doctors i never the one of them brought it up it was like dude
imagine being that
little kid and be like oh thank god help yeah he just walks away you're like
what the dude he literally
he he reported it to his parents like dusky's clapping my cheeks dude you gotta
help yeah
he pussied out dude that guy bitched out his parents were like are you sure you
saw it he was
like i mean i guess i can't say i was sure he was molesting him they were just
showering together naked
that was kind and then he he's like that whole thing this guy is like freaking
out he's like this
whole thing's ruined my life people called me a coward it's like you were a
coward yeah you saw a grown
man showering with a young kid and you weren't like dude what the fuck are you
doing i have killed
i have more sympathy or like empathy for real for the parkland security guard
that didn't go in
then i do a dude who walked past the kid getting i don't know what's going on
in there well the whole
family dropped the ball like dude i'm telling if you listen to that uh the malcolm
gladwell book talking
to strangers they talk about this and he literally the family was like i'll
call my
doctor friend he's a mandated reporter and the doctor was like i'm not
recording this he was like
dude let it go and then they let it go for like a year then he brought it back
up oh man i hate to
even hear about all this drama down here what just all this drama dude i mean
it's salt life bro what's
what's going on down there no bro nothing okay oh you're talking about you i'm
talking about the boy
talking drama dude i don't even like to hear about junk like that that's crazy
damn somebody just ordered
dominoes what's up somebody just ordered a dominoes truck just pulled up that's
a big get for somebody
damn is that your eagles nest you're just watching takeout vehicles see what's
going on dude
you see there's a fucking this will all be mine one day oh i'm getting i'm
getting dominoes shortly
there's a i didn't know that that would be a dominoes capabilities now that's
coming
uh there's a there's a fucking like shitty tattooed couple that's down by the
pool like
shitty but now there's you know they're leathery skin now both fat both covered
in tats and they both
went down to the pool i was out at the pool swimming earlier and they came down
and set up a bluetooth
in between them they both laid out on like they were suntanning and then
started blasting like
metal stop like put a bluetooth speaker on that was like i don't even know what
type of music it was it
was like corny like three doors down type like oh it was like butt rock yeah so
was it like hard it
wasn't metal it wasn't metal it was like nickelback type like never made it as
a bad man do you listen
to hard rock listen to modern rock yeah oh that's tight while the guy was like
taking a nap
what the fuck dude and this is how you remind me yeah the pool is that's all
kind of slaps though dude
how you remind me does slap my own prison by creed fucking slaps
greed is undeniably good my own prison fucking rules dude arms wide open dude
when i listen to
arms wide open while i'm driving dude come on i've never driven driven a jeep
and you feel like a real
i like to listen to my music loud you know me but driving with the jeep you
feel like a real dickhead
yeah that's a weird blasting wrap that's a weird disclaimer you probably want
to put off to every
single person you pull up next to be like i someone gave this to me i'm not you
know this is my
identity jeeps are fun to drive though dude i drove on for a while jeeps are
awesome they're
pretty tight is yours automatic or stick automatic it's tight yeah i that's
what i asked him dude i
i couldn't drive stick i'd be fucking stalling out that's the least cheap that's
the least salt
life thing you can do it's constantly stalling out be like you should stall out
and just flip your own
jeep over but yeah i was modding oh my god dude we have a situation on our
hands what's the sitch
you gotta interview mcafee oh yeah march 30th i think i think march 30th they're
gonna start doing
the interviews because i think he's gonna interview a couple people or be
interviewed by a few dude uh
what do you know of him uh sorry dude it's all good geezer just fell he's yeah
dude oh true that is
ominous that is dude it is like i think i might have said it earlier it's weird
to be down here during
like a crisis yeah it's literally i went i went down to watch the sunset last
night it was just a packed
bar just totally packed i just drove past it like nope yeah no one here gives a
fuck at all yeah well
again it doesn't really spread in the warm weather apparently that's why it's
been so lame in africa
that's why people are saying like it doesn't affect black people because like
in africa the virus is kind
of weak it thrives in the maybe colder i think it's i don't know because i
think uh nobody's visiting
africa the way they are europe and the united states yeah maybe but they're
still pushing out still
pushing out uh and i'm pretty sure africa doesn't have a lot of geezers i think
the majority of their
population is very young true that's you know what i mean yep but i have heard
from a scientist that warm
weather doesn't stand up well against warm weather okay so they posted they got
some ronies in the
lab so you should be safe barkley might it might have died when barkley like
right before he got
real close to you they might have hit the warm weather and died before it got
into you i was i actually was
the one who suggested to barkley when we met i was like dude i'm not gonna
touch you but uh what's up
man how are you and he he he extended the pound i was the one who suggested let's
let's not touch
you're you said that you said that sir charles i said that to sir charles i
said i'm not gonna touch
you or like ask for a picture or anything but it's nice to meet you a big fan
dude you're like trump
you might be