Name: Secure the Bug Out Bag W/ Tom Green
Uploaded: 2020-03-28T00:27:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Secure the Bug Out Bag W/ Tom Green' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Secure the Bug Out Bag W/ Tom Green' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-28. Transcript available.

Secure the Bug Out Bag W/ Tom Green

oh boy we're live oh yeah oh my god it worked huh oh yeah nice it worked we got
my you got my
video on no no there we go well it's the future it's the future one second are
we on now are we
like live on yeah yeah be live like we're live like is it actually happening or
it's happening
dude is this before the show like like it's that moment it's up to you you know
the moment where
like you call into a show and you're just okay we're gonna start now and then
that part's not
in the show later is that this part or yeah this is the show hey guys how are
you good how you doing
man well good to be here yeah thanks for having me on i'm just uh well you know
i'm uh how am i doing
let me just really think about that for a second because that's a question that's
also normally
one of those questions on on phone and radio shows and stuff how you doing and
it's like yeah pretty
good and then you start talking but i'm actually gonna think about that for a
second because i'm
not really sure how i'm doing to be honest with you because i haven't left my
house in uh a week and
i'm pretty uh i'm pretty worried about the the pandemic that's going on i'm a
little worried about
that how are you shane good to see you i'm good man i'm i'm not too worried i'm
out here traveling
yeah you're not worried yeah i thought maybe that might be the case uh judging
by the uh the campfire
you know the the government who puts out a stay at home do not go outside order
do not go to the beach
and you go light a campfire
look look it's very very secluded yeah i'm staying away i'm not talking to
anybody i'm not touching
anybody we're very secluded yeah yeah well that's that's good i mean you're not
you're not you're not
in the epicenter right now you're out in uh you're out in uh where are you
south carolina yeah i'm in
south carolina just fucking around yeah this is this is crazy uh you know i'm
in los angeles at home
and uh um you know it's uh it's one of those things where i'm taking this
pretty seriously because uh
i've been i've been reading everything on the internet i've been reading
everything like i've been reading
everything like everything i've been reading and so if you read everything on
the internet uh you know
one day you can be feeling like oh it's just the flu no big deal exactly
exactly and then the next day
the next day you're terrified but the more i read the more i realize that we're
we're supposed to be
terrified right now this is not just the flu and uh i've been um you know three
days before the um
before the whole thing went down uh where they told everybody to not leave
their houses no sorry
three weeks before did i say three weeks before i stocked up my uh my pantry
with um you know my
my kitchen let me use the word pantry so so i sound really canadian you know um
but uh yeah so i got
some uh sardines here um i'm not sure how much of the i'm not sure how much of
the video portion of
this gets used on the on the show we're gonna use it all of it dude so i've got
sardines
sardines sardines are a high source of protein which is good um i'm not sure if
i should i'm not
sure if i should be showing off my sardines because when the looting starts
this is the first place
they're going to come for my delicious sardines but um you know you have
weapons you know i don't i
don't like talking about all that kind of stuff but let's just say i'm i'm
ready for anything up here
fuck yeah we've got uh we've got uh collared greens uh which is um yeah we've
got some chili
some chili here um it's good to have lots of non-perishable items rice is
important to have rice
lots of rice i um i didn't i was worried i was going to run out of rice if this
thing goes on
for a couple of years so i um i ordered i ordered a 10 pound bag of rice on
amazon the other day and um
and uh and and and the thing that's interesting is i i actually have never used
amazon until this whole
thing started which is weird um i'm not a boomer i'm a generation x okay yeah
so are you going to eat
what what are you going to do with all the canned goods if this turns out to
just be the flu are you
going to eat those sardines no it's not the flu it's not the flu okay dr tom
green are you sure it's
not the flu yeah i know yes i am 100 sure now and i think it's important i
think it's important to
convey that to uh to our our friends and followers and fans on social media
because at the end of the
day um when this is all over you know you want your uh your fans and followers
and friends to uh to do
well you know and we don't want them to to get sick and so so there's some
things i'm trying to not
kind of joke around about you know because i actually do really i'm really kind
of feeling
worried about everybody in in this country and canada and around the world
right now so
yeah but uh not to bring the mood down not trying to bring the mood down but uh
you know sometimes i
think if you sort of base these conversations on a foundation of seriousness it
actually kind of
raises the level of uh of uh you know of uh you know uh attention that people
might be given to
what we're talking about here so back to the sardines but um no i'll tell you
what yeah no i agree
i agree and it's i was i was telling matt yesterday like i'm usually like i i
wake up scared of it and
then i'm scared all day and then i'll start and then i'll start drinking and i'm
like ah it i'm
untouchable yeah yeah and then uh i wake up in the morning hung over like i did
today and i read
about how you have to like lay on your stomach for a week at a time so to not
lay on your your lungs and
they just pump oxygen into you yeah for weeks until you either die or get
better yeah yeah we're gonna run
out of beds yeah yeah and not only is that horrible but like even if you don't
really get those kind of
symptoms yourself um you know the older people and people that are compromised
you know we don't want
to be spreading that around so i'm actually looking at it as a sort of a i mean
if i'm going to put any
sort of layer of optimism on it i'm looking at it as kind of a a strange sort
of unfortunate opportunity
to be able to just stay home and uh play on my computer all day you know what
do you got going
on your comp well you know i've got i do a lot of uh i make hip-hop beats
basically nice oh that's right
i make dope uh dope hip-hop beats and uh and i've been recording my podcast as
well so i i launched a
podcast i relaunched my podcast uh last week and i'm doing one every day and i'm
taking calls and uh
talking about the uh the pandemic that we're going through right now so it's
weird though do you guys
do you guys find that um that it's sort of like uh you kind of can't believe
that it's happening a
little bit oh totally like yeah i mean we we know it's happening but then you
can't believe it i think
it's like depending on how much you really believe that it's going to be you
know stephen king's the
stand basically have you seen that movie or read the book i read the book yeah
yeah where everybody
basically and it's it's it sort of feels a bit like that to me like i think
that my head takes me to
this place where i'm prepared for that like i have i have enough food here
probably to last me i have
enough food to last me for a month but um i got i started getting nervous and
realizing that that's not
uh going to be enough to get through this so i ordered this 10 pound bag of
rice on amazon so i could
probably last a year if you have if you have rice beans and corn that is a
completely uh
uh balanced diet you could live off that alone so i'm gonna i'm gonna try to
get about a year's
supply of of food i'm gonna put in the back in the garage just in case this
thing really drags on but
the thing that's interesting shane the thing that this rules by the way i'm so
happy i was like what the
are we gonna talk about i gotta add i'm like in my head i was i was eating
cheerios this morning like
i wonder if you ever hung out with fred durst oh yeah yeah yeah i know fred's fred's
great fred uh
fred fred fred actually uh uh left a comment on uh um one of my uh posts that i
made on my instagram
last night about a a a hip-hop track that i'm working on oh that was cool that'd
be awesome
he said butter so he thinks it's like butter yeah so um which is cool but um no
the thing is because
i've never no it's okay it's okay uh the thing is i because i've never really
ordered off instagram
before and now i'm starting to get these packages are starting to arrive it's
exciting
it's kind of like it's kind of like i'm waiting for christmas every day are you
worried they're
contaminated i am i don't so this is the process so i know i am no and that's a
that's a very real
thing by the way yeah no no i'm i'm laughing for like 48 hours yeah yeah you
are laughing but then
you can never use it you just leave it out there no uh i uh well one of the
things i realized is i
didn't have enough cleansers so i didn't have enough clorox and and uh rubber
gloves and all
the things that you need to decamp decontaminate stuff so then i get in sort of
a catch-22 situation
because i've ordered the rubber gloves but i don't have rubber gloves so how do
i get the rubber gloves
out of the rubber glove packaging without the rubber gloves you see you see
what happened
so i i just sort of basically picked it up with some like tongs and i put it in
the garage and it's
just sitting in the garage for uh for uh for a few days until i can get access
to the to the cleansers
that i got i've got a little cleanser left so got a little bit of cleanser left
and actually you are
a hundred percent going to survive yeah oh yeah my first order of cleanser by
the way i don't i i look
i'm gonna because because you guys are my friends and uh you know i i want i
want your uh you know your
listeners to uh have all the information this right here is the man this right
here okay you can
drink your product yeah this right here man yeah no it's not just no it's not
just because it's uh
my name but it's it's because uh it's and i'm this is not an official endorsement
or anything like that
but this shit man is uh the stuff that kills the um the virus this does more so
than lysol
that is the best stuff uh you think you should just take a shot of that if they
don't feel good
you know uh my friend drank it one time like if you feel really really really
bad yeah you need a way
out and take a shot of it damn dude but you know um no i i i i i'm cleaning the
packaging and um and
then i'm letting it sit for two days and then i'm getting into it unfortunately
i don't need anything
right now the supplies that i have coming right now are essentially restock for
a month from now when
i start to running out running out of my uh initial energy emergency supplies
so but um i don't know i
think maybe you got this dialed in the right way shane i think just sitting
down in north carolina
or south carolina and drinking on the beach i think that's probably a better
way to go than all this
bullshit i'm yeah i mean i don't know we'll see i i mean either way i'm
definitely taking precautions
and it's funny how much it like definitely uh is in my head like i have like
for some reason i've been
having very anxiety-ridden dreams yeah we're in a pandemic
i'll be watching movies matt has it by the way matt's been coughing a lot no my
old everyone in
my house had it refuses to get my daughter got swabbed she has a metanoma virus
it's a cold
we all we all got a close call all right well you're like number four in the
totem pole of diseases
right now we're good though yeah yeah are you isolating are you taking your
daughter and putting
in her room for two months and just you know tossing tossing granola bars into
her and no we all we all
have it so we're all asking how she's yeah okay well be be careful and and
monitor that have you checked
for uh uh fever uh is it a dry cough nope very productive cough fever myself i
took a hot bath
and got myself up to 100 degrees and definitely killed whatever 