Name: John McAfee Please Don't Kill Us
Uploaded: 2020-03-30T22:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John McAfee Please Don't Kill Us' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'John McAfee Please Don't Kill Us' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-30. Transcript available.

John McAfee Please Don't Kill Us

all right we're live dude mr mcafee the fucking man himself dude nice studio
i'm sorry nice studio i like that oh that's a green screen background you know
of foam old foam green screen
how the hell are you mr mcafee i'm okay yeah you guys seem to be a little bit
slow tonight
slow like what are you talking about damn dude see that what i see proof of
what i'm talking about
so you guys seem a little slow only one of you got it now think about that
right well i got it
i got it mr mcafee only one of you only one of you that's all i'm saying all
right are you trying
to divide us already is it true you're already you're already divided listen
you were divided
before i even got online my job is to sever the connection you could never do
you could never
it's a it's a fucking monday night dude i'll challenge it oh man oh dude let me
spend two
minutes let me listen what's up this requires unfortunately uh a shot of tequila
whoa dude
party time you're living salt life dude that's what's up
yes now then there you go okay first of all how long have you guys known each
other
what like seven years maybe yeah probably six or seven years yeah we go waiting
guys do you guys
live together we used to we did yeah are either of you married i'm married yeah
he just got married
yeah really children one child just had his first kid like how many one month
old yeah you're
shitting me well congratulations thank you congratulations thank you all right
well i'll start
fucking with you later but let's start the conversation with listen here's uh
go ahead go ahead jump
in what do you what do you want to talk about but by the way where the fuck are
you a number of guy on
left me me i need your names i need your names again that's shane i'm matt mccusker
shane gillis
what's going on does matt know that she's been sleeping with his wife i'm just
curious
yeah he knows we're kind of into it yeah we're actually real into that kind of
stuff yeah
i don't think so i know everything i'm i'm john mcafee i'm the world's greatest
hacker i also would not
have been able to build the world's largest anti-hacking company could i um no
no listen we'll talk about
it later okay let's move on norton's that norton's the shit in terms of andy
yeah we're both big we're big
norton guys well fuck you both
listen i don't blame you but it doesn't matter mackerty and norton it's all
trash it doesn't work
i'm just telling you now any type of software does not fucking work in the
story damn you're the man for
that so what do you think about coronavirus i heard you're calling it some
bullshit the plandemic
fuck me are we actually going to talk about this because it's a subject that i
can wax
philosophical i we that's what we want yeah man oh fuck you people all right
you're gonna make me talk
aren't you right now the coronavirus first of all it's not new the fucking
virus has been around since
the beginning of man um and the coronavirus like the various versions of flu
have been around for
centuries for as long as we could detect the world of viruses which is vastly
smaller than the world of
bacteria um yeah it's been around forever you think bill gates is what is the
truth
pardon you think bill gates is holding out on the cure for it or what there's
no cure for it who gives
a there's no cure for it no cure for the flu let me tell you something even if
we accept the inflated
death numbers especially from italy where if you look at the statistics 90 of
the deaths were old people
who were already terminally ill in the hospital expected to die in a second and
of course a certain
percentage of them of the world that's in that situation is going to have the
coronavirus and so
they go oh coronavirus killed this person oh give me a break but even if we
ignore that obvious flaw
uh in the government's logic how many people have been killed in five months
less than 50 000.
in those same five months which was in middle flu season 630 000 were killed by
the flu worldwide
worldwide well of course we're talking about worldwide numbers probably not
much important here um there were
1.1 million people who died from diarrhea diarrhea people around the world i've
had that around i've had
looked it up no hang on look it up 2.6 million per year die from diarrhea why
we buy bad mexican food
i must i must be made of steel i i survived like 90 diarrheas already yeah i've
had nothing but diarrhea
well have you ever had amoebic dysentery which i got once okay i've had it i
you've got it i got
so i got something from mexico like that i had diarrhea amoebic dysentery where
it ain't no bacteria
it ain't no virus it's some goddamn creepy crawly things single cell of
organisms called demons
to start eating away oh let me tell you something it was the worst thing i i
was hospital how'd you get
it out how'd you get it out how'd you get it out i don't know i was
hospitalized for two weeks they gave
me all kinds of medications and shoved these these little flexible tubes up my
anus to see what the
situation was how much blood is left to come out this motherfucking man um and
then i was okay where
were you when that happened i was in cincinnati when it happened i was in mexico
i was in mexico when i got
infected here okay my girlfriend barbara's eyes jesus god what a goddess six
foot three reddish blonde hair
curly down to her waist like a goddamn lioness's mane oh man don't have names
do they whatever but a
mane i'm fucking gorgeous in the body to kill for one how much do you like two
inches taller two inches
taller than me i'm sorry how much do you love pussy
well you're gonna put a woman with me for the first time i'm gonna turn her
around a few times and take
a look what's the fuck look like what's the side look like what's the back look
like it may be that the
pussy is the least important things for me i might say i might say bitch lie on
your
fucking stomach and put this pillow rolled up under your fucking hips and do it
now because i want
to look at your fucking ass i don't know how do i know guys i mean you're
asking me what if
questions without giving me realistic yeah norton is a fucking bitch dude you
own norton yeah norton's a
a fucking pussy dude gates is a pussy you are the internet you're tech
what what's that got to do with the goddamn question i want to know i'm curious
we're just
firing we're just matching your style bro and firing questions
all right here's here's a question this is a straightforward one i'm gonna hit
you with it
did you fly the drone over epstein's island slash have you ever been to epstein's
island
i refuse to answer any question related to that effect fair enough under the
ground
fair enough did you kill to incriminate me and of course me to find out what
your address uh and
situation in life may be so that i can send that's a fair question a friendly
message right
i'm a fucking straight shooter dude
mcabee's gonna kill you dude you better not dude once you get on my list i'm i'm
telling you now don't
kill us yeah don't don't kill you need us out here man we're good all i'm
saying listen sean sean
when when they come no shame sorry when they come for you uh to say listen
listen i i didn't mean
to sleep with my best friend's wife and i ain't gonna help you any i'm just
telling you now
there ain't no fucking excuses for anything dude can we be your cyber goons
cyber goons yeah i don't know are you any are you any good yeah listen a goon
is someone where i go
listen there's a lot of shit coming from reddit coming from 4chan listen those
4chan people either
want to suck my dick or roast me alive depending on the goddamn year but
nevertheless i'm going right
you goddamn goons go cool that for me i'll fucking handle that right now dude
who's talking
oh you have no goddamn idea what to do do if you do listen no more dude don't
handle it right now
yeah yeah tell me how i'm talking to god you that you are yeah dude i'm 74
years old i spent 50 74
years in computer technology and computer security and if you think mofo that
you can pull something over on
on me so i didn't say i'm pulling something over on you i said i'm gonna
support i want to be on top
a part of your squad dude send me someone mr mcafee i apologize on behalf of my
partner here he's
really getting out of fucking line not respecting why aren't you smacking him i
mean we're in different
states i would fuck him up if i could for you oh you're in different states
yeah i'm in an undisclosed
location on a lake dude i'm through a vpn right now dude you can never crack it
shane are you there because of the well the um illicit affair with the wife
oh no yeah i'm trying to hide the fact that yes me and matt's wife have been
together you're hiding out
from your partner i understand that shit i mean listen we're talking about
hiding out from people
janice janice baby she's here janice and i are the masters of fucking hiding
out i mean listen
eight months ago janice and i were in a jail in the dominican republic oh and
and by the way those of
you in the audios looking for a jail experience well do not start with the
dominican republic what was
going on down there yeah what was it yeah what was that like okay listen i've
been in jail in the united
states mexico uh multiple times unfortunately uh yes yes police guatemala uh
the bahamas yes this is
the bahamas and a few others never have i seen something as challenging as this
mofo number one there's
no glass on the windows and we're in tropical goddamn caribbean jungle where
the mosquitoes come out in
clouds so thick that you know satan is about to eat you alive and well it's
almost the same thing so
you can escape there's no like walls what there's no glass how do they keep you
in those bars on the
with rusted iron fucking bars dude i'd punch them out because if there was only
glass let me tell you
something i don't care i may be only i may be 74 but if i can't bust some glass
with my elbow to get
out of a hellhole jail then something's wrong with it no iron rusted it looks
like about you know from the
16th century when the spanish first conquered the carib indians um in the dominican
republic how long
did you do down there how long was this we were only in jail four days however
it was not a fun four
days yeah i mean listen i think four days in the dominican republic jail is
like 30 days in a mexican
jail by the way i would recommend above all else mexican jails for for misdemeanors
i mean they'll go
whacking people you know raping uh somebody's sister and shit like that no no
no no the misdemeanor
type of shit pissing on the sidewalk you know drunk in public neither of which
by the way are illegal in
mexico i'll try to think of something later but in any case um uh yes um where
were we what was the
question how what was uh what do you like about mexican jail yeah oh yeah mexican
jail so now
so now for a misdemeanor offense which is again anything less than murdering
your lover okay sure uh
this misdemeanor meaning no big deal okay we'll work it out that's the mexican
system of justice we'll
work it out you may you know do reparations to the parents of the dude that you
shot in the head
because uh you're on acid and thought he was satan whatever whatever who cares
uh shit happens we all
understand that make reparations to the parents or the wife or the children
okay is that not a
same goddamn system of justice yes yes duh of course uh but it'll never catch
on in the world of
high capitalism and uh what do you think we do like communism more than
capitalism no i don't i don't
like any ism good god almighty if the only ism there's only one ism there's
only one and that is racism
i wish that was i mean that that would explain the arguments that i have with
my wife frequently no no
individualism people there is no other ism it's you your life your shoes your
genes your unique
experiences which separates you every second of the day from everywhere else in
the world i am john mcafee
god i hope not although maybe listen dude if you are why 