Name: Next Level
Uploaded: 2020-04-05T01:24:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Next Level' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Next Level' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-05. Transcript available.

Next Level

We're here, dude.
We're live.
It could crap out at any moment, though.
So be ready for that.
I mean, in these end days, dude, that's all that can be had.
I mean, the transmission's definitely going to get severed.
Sometimes the transmissions are tough, dude.
How are you?
I miss you.
Dude, I miss you, man.
I miss you bad.
I fucking genuinely miss you.
I was thinking about how fucking sick our life would be right now
if we were up in the studio.
I know.
This is bullshit.
We should be ripped in the studio with sick vid for everybody.
First of all, what's that behind you up to the top right corner, bro?
What's on that wall?
Where?
Top right corner, wooden plaque above the fridge.
I don't know, a bunch of wine-overs.
Oh, okay.
I thought it was some sort of different calligraphy.
I was like, where the fuck are you, Shane?
Oh, you thought it was Asian?
I thought it was Mandarin, bro.
I was like, yo, bro.
What the fuck?
Yeah, they won.
The Chai Cops won, dude.
I went full.
I bet out to them.
I thought they had you quarantined in China.
I was like, fuck, dude.
You're locked down.
We've got to get you out.
Oh, if I was fibbing everybody about my whereabouts?
You were quarantined in China.
I was actually in Wuhan.
You are patient zero.
No, dude.
I got fucking red-pilled hard by Alex Jones this week.
Yo, which video did you watch?
I just watched the whole – you can watch them all live.
Like, the next day, you can watch the full episode.
So, just watch the last –
What's he on, right?
Is he on YouTube?
What's, like, what channel?
What thing is he on?
Band.video.
Band.video, dude.
Band.
Band-out video.
The one of him saying that he knows who Q is and he's giving Q two weeks to
come out
might be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Dude, it's so funny that he's jealous of Q and all the shine Q gets.
Everyone's like, dude, Alex Jones is an Israeli informant.
And he's like, oh, I'm Q.
Fucking sick.
I like it.
I mean, dude, to be, like – to hear about Q and be like, yeah, obviously Q
sweats the
fuck out of me.
That's, like, you have to be just the best to be, like, trying to know who Q is.
To casually be like, you guys don't know who Q is.
I'll tell you who Q is.
Yeah.
I'll tell you who Q is right now, dude.
Q's on my dick.
Dude, two weeks.
Just because I'm out here telling the truth.
He's like, I'm telling the truth.
Q's afraid.
The reason people doubt me is because my weapon is truth.
Look, dude, here's the truth.
You need to get some fucking zinc and some vitamin D3.
That's all you need.
And some vitamin C.
And you're going to beat this virus.
And it's not even – Matt, I'll tell you something.
It's not some natural virus.
This is clearly man-made.
If you put this under a microscope, you'd be able to see it.
It's like seeing tits that have, like, scars.
Really?
You're like, bro, those are fake.
Did you see the thing on –
Oh, like COVID?
Come on, man.
Did you see the thing on –
This thing's fake.
This was made.
The Chi-Coms made this, and it leaked out of their factory.
I mean, it's a stage four-level containment in Wuhan.
But it definitely leaked.
They have leaks all the time.
Whether this was intentional or not, this was a bioweapon from the Chi-Coms.
I don't think it was a –
So I watched a video on YouTube from a guy who had lived in China for 10 years
who came back, and he was saying that this was an accident.
But the cover-up is real.
So they were –
And he's like, this is all public records.
Cover-ups.
Very, very real.
Well, he was saying you can look up all these records.
The lady was studying the links between bats and coronaviruses,
and specifically the transmission from coronavirus from bats to humans.
And apparently when you isolate a –
This is according to the video.
When you isolate a –
Well, I think she took her work home,
and I think probably her husband got into the fridge and fucking was like,
oh, nice.
Just munched a bat.
You have a dream job, dude.
If you're researching pizza here.
Yeah, they –
Apparently, when you study a virus, you got to like amp it up a little bit.
She's studying pizzas.
She's like, I want to find out if there's a connection between stuffed crust
and mozzarella stick.
Just some husband opens the fridge, finds a container of bats, and it's just
like, perfect.
It's just a late-night snack.
That's like when my brother used to work at Wings to Go.
I was like, you have the best job ever, dude.
That is the best job.
Remember when you were young and you thought like being a male porn star would
be like the best job?
You'd be like, yo, that'd be so sick, dude.
A male porn star might be the biggest loser on earth.
Dude, except for –
You know who kills it as a male porn star?
Do you ever get like –
There's like a whole world of like solo renegade black dudes who –
It's just their channel, and they'll just –
They just pipe bait.
There's one guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, don't get me wrong.
Some of these dudes definitely rule.
No, no, no.
It's also like –
You're right.
It's like a real horrible life.
It's still sad.
It's so fucking sad.
I mean, imagine, you know, doing this podcast.
Imagine if this podcast was just me fucking you every week.
It's like –
Well, I'd be fucking you, but yes, sure.
What time?
We'd be 69.
You'd be on top of 69.
Dude, there's one guy who all he does is the prone bone where he just –
He goes in a plank position, and the girl lays on her stomach,
and he does basically like a plank, and he just rocks it.
Dude, all his videos are hashtag prone bone.
He has one position.
Wow.
And he's sensual.
He's very passionate.
I like pop.
I don't know how I feel about the sensuality.
Like the porn stars, when it's clearly porn stars like making out
while they're fucking up behind it.
I love it.
I need to –
I like the amateurs.
I like the amateurs being sensual.
True.
Well, this is pretty am.
This is pretty am-a.
This is like this –
He'll like pull out and like lick up her spinal cord from like her sacrum
up to her neck.
Dude, it's so funny.
And then he gets right back into prone bone.
He has one position, dude.
He has just the prone bone.
That would dry your tongue out.
You'd have a dry tongue by the time you got to the top of that.
True.
Be like a cat licking you.
Dude, hashtag prone bone, dude.
That's the only position from now on.
Look.
Dude, I don't have time for your junk, dude.
I got red-pilled.
I'm taking the spear again.
Where do you stand on fluoride?
There's not even a question, Matt.
The government's putting it in there to fucking kill us.
Dude, I read an article in The Atlantic about fluoride, which Atlantic is like
a – you
know, I suppose like a pretty tempered publication.
So this guy did a research thing, I guess a couple people have done this, to
make fun
of like people who freak out about fluoride, and turns out there's no real
scientific consensus.
What is it with journalists trying to like quell and ruin conspiracies
constantly?
Because it's cool.
I looked up – I looked up the – yeah, true.
Journalists just ruin everything.
Where the fucking Lyme disease came from?
Yeah.
All right.
You ever hear about that?
No.
Where did it come from?
All right.
So there's a – I mean, this is level three stuff.
This is mostly animal disease, kind of like figuring shit out.
Q-level clearance.
Q-level clearance.
It's light, light clearance.
You and me might be able to get a job there.
Just based off this.
If our resume was this cast, they'd be like, all right, you guys know what you're
doing.
It's an animal disease facility.
On Plum Island, it's off like Long Island in New York.
It's a military base.
Now, in 2002, I think it was bought by Homeland Security.
But it used to be Department of Agriculture.
And in 1970, when – 1975, I think, when Lyme disease broke out, it was from,
like, contaminated – they're like, it's probably from Plum Island.
It's in Lyme, Connecticut, which is right across the water from there.
They're like, it's probably either from birds or from – deer can swim.
Sometimes deer get wild and swim, and they think some deer got out of that –
I think that means deer swam, like, 40 miles.
What?
That's impossible.
Hold on.
So, wait.
I thought it was from a tick.
Yeah, ticks on those deer.
So, the tick from the deer transmitted it to humans.
Yeah.
But it was from – allegedly, it was from Plum Island and, like, government
testing on that.
Plum Island, is that in China?
Yes.
It's in China, Long Island.
Connecticut, Long Island, China.
I'm still laughing about the bats in the fridge.
How, like, you know, everyone's, like, they don't have heart attacks in China.
It's like, okay, yeah, but, like, every now and again, you eat the wrong thing.
You're like –
It's like, yeah, they're all natural over there.
Eastern medicine.
It's like, yeah, they also fucking, like, slurp salamanders.
It's just mid-fucking –
Think about during the Super Bowl party, if someone just lays down a plate of,
like, crawling animals.
You got to catch them and eat them.
You got to beat the fuck out.
You got to neutralize them.
Dude, that's pretty –
You got to neutralize them.
It's like, oh, they're nice.
They're bringing out the guinea pigs.
Like, we're going to eat some gerbils at halftime.
That could be how you get so good at chopping planks in half.
Because, like, imagine –
You know, we can open Doritos boxes,
but imagine if you had to, like, crack a live crate, like a wooden crate,
every time you wanted to munch, dude, you'd be like,
fuck, I always fucking open it everywhere.
You're going to punch through a wooden crate.
A bunch of fucking animals' heads.
Dude, the –
Oh, dude.
It's so good.
Dude, the fluoride thing is real, man.
I looked into it.
Dude, what is –
Why is it so funny that they eat different things?
It's so funny.
Especially, it makes it even more funny that people get upset.
Like, you're not allowed to make fun of that.
It's not, dude.
They're eating funny animals.
It's funny.
It definitely –
I mean, eating a bat is –
I mean, Ozzy Osbourne, again, he ate a bat and everyone freaked out.
Everyone's like, damn, that was crazy.
But if Ozzy Osbourne needs a bat, you can say he's, like, a twisted weirdo.
But if a Chinese person needs a bat, you have to be like, yeah.
Well, that's fucking – that's their culture.
Maybe all Chinese are just dark, twisted fucking –
Metalheads?
Maybe they're just a little twisted, bro.
They could be.
Maybe they're a little fucking twisted.
Maybe they're Black Sabbath.
Abrekka Sabaru.
That's their national anthem.
It's like, generals gathered in the masses.
General souls.
Come on.
Chill, chill, chill.
None of it's even funny.
None of it's even funny.
It's just junk, dude.
Well, that's pretty funny.
General souls gathered in the masses.
It's pretty funny.
But, yeah, dude, they have no consensus on fluoride, man.
At the time of the Manhattan Project, this is – I mean, this is beyond –
This is all reacted.
At the time of the Manhattan Project, they were part of, I guess,
enriching plutonium or something.
One of the byproducts of the experiments they were doing to make nuclear
weapons
created a ton of fluoride.
And it was just – it was going into the groundwater.
And then right around that time, they were like, fuck, this sucks.
And they were like, something came out where there was heavy fluoride from all
this activity.
They were like, people have a little bit less cavities there.
And they were like, fuck it.
Run that.
And they started studying it and putting it out.
But they've looked at these studies retroactively.
There's thousands of them.
And by today's standards in terms of, like, protocol of, like, the variables
and all this stuff,
like, three of them stand up and they're vague and shaky.
Oh, that fluoride salesman must be a hell of a salesman.
Well, it was every – it was just – they had enough – this shit was
leaking into the ground.
So they were like, what the fuck are we going to do about this?
Oh, this is good for your teeth.
We're actually – we're adding this to your water.
It was already in some water.
So, wait, fluori