Name: The McCusker Family Curse
Uploaded: 2020-04-12T14:52:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The McCusker Family Curse' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The McCusker Family Curse' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-12. Transcript available.

The McCusker Family Curse

What's up, bro?
What up?
You're back in the heart lane.
I'm back home, dude.
Back in my mommy and daddy's basement.
That's a good feeling, dude.
I'm in my basement right now.
It's a nice feeling to be at mommy and daddy's.
This is where you podcast the best, dude.
This was the last, yeah, we did an episode down here.
I'm in that same spot.
It was cited by the press.
The press did say that we called southern soldiers so gay.
Can you believe it?
How are you?
Killing, dude.
I'm getting my whole squad.
I got a right now I'm point man for the whole squad.
Jackson's got diarrhea.
Matilda's being generally weird.
So I have to, my dog takes, dumps, diarrhea's in my backyard.
Drops piles, basically.
I have to watch.
Three days I've been on dump watch being like, come on, drop.
Just show me some kind of thing resembling like a proto turd.
Because when it turns, when his diarrhea turns, there's like,
it'll be kind of like, you know, slippery little slugs.
I'm like, just.
Trust me.
I know about it.
I know when that diarrhea turns, what you're working with.
That's the light at the end of the tunnel, dude.
I'm waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.
That's when you, you're looking for the curve to flatten on the dog diarrhea.
Exactly.
You're trying to flatten that curve.
People are, people are saying I'm too optimistic, too hopeful.
Bro.
Saying it's all right.
How great, how great is our God, dude?
He's doing a, my president right now is doing a good job.
My president.
You can slander him all you want.
Slander him all you want.
But our president, sorry he was optimistic.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Sorry he wasn't some experimental leftist that's just trying to get
authoritarianism passed.
But we're not going to let it.
Facebook's already starting their like tracers and stuff.
Facebook and Google are already like, oh, we're already working on this thing
to track people.
It's like, okay, guys.
You guys knock it off.
You guys are tinkering on that and that's all you guys do.
What are you talking about?
Dude, people are getting red-pilled left and right.
Yeah, man.
I was just talking to, I was just talking to Claire.
She just got red-pilled.
She was like, I didn't know, I didn't know Bill Gates was such a bad guy.
I was like, she was like, doesn't Donald Trump like say deep state?
Like, I think he's trying to help us.
She got Trump's the white hat red-pilled?
No, she gets mad anytime I like give it.
If I give Trump a compliment, she like spazzes out.
But she did.
But she did get red-pilled hard on him saying deep state during like pressers.
And then she just found out Bill Gates was shitty.
Yeah, Bill Gates is a bastard, dude.
Bill Gates.
We need to knock his block off.
We've talked about it before.
He's been going around circumcising people in Africa, just all willy-nilly.
Just, yeah, he's practicing eugenics on brown people.
I don't like that.
That's what the elites love to do.
He is going into dong Wakanda, dude, and trying to mess with the essence.
He cannot.
Pure dong.
He's trying to go alter the pure dong.
The mother dong.
But as a computer dork, it is, that's a noble cause.
To be like a pent-up computer nerd and then be like, I'm going to destroy the
dongs.
Dude, that's bullshit.
Like work your way from your garage the whole way to Africa.
No, actually, all right.
I'm coming around on Bill Gates.
I'm talking my way into liking him.
So that's been, because that's Bezos' ultimate vision is to like get us into
space.
Gates might be to like conquer the African dong.
The dark continent, dude.
The dong continent.
He's been having fever dreams since he was a young programmer, dude.
He's like, oh, oh, oh.
Mom.
He wakes up like, it was on my face.
It covered my forehead and my chin.
What is it, Bill?
It was an Arabian gas mask down to my chin.
It was punched the belly button.
I thought it was a triple chin.
It was the head of a dong.
It was there.
I swear to God.
I'm going to Africa.
I'm going to cut them up.
Damn, dude.
I didn't even think about it.
He might have had something to do with Kobe.
Bro, you think?
He did a TED Talk three years ago being like, we got to watch out for horrible,
like, you
know, transmittable diseases or whatever.
He's been calling epidemic.
This is a new terrorism, dude.
Nobody cares about ISIS anymore.
That died with, you know, the Clinton Foundation.
People are like, oh, yeah, those guys we were scared of in the fucking desert
on dirt bikes.
It's like, okay.
We were kind of wrong about that.
Yeah, they do love whipping people into a frenzy.
And I'll admit, they got me, they got guys on the dirt bike.
Well, I will say, guys on dirt bikes are always a problem.
No matter where they are.
By fucking Weed Wacker Motors.
You hear a light buzz around your town.
You know you're in trouble, dude.
On the distance, a couple of Yamahas come screeching up.
Some dude in a Lionel Messi jersey and a black scarf on his face is going to
kill a gay dude.
I heard there were gay men in this town.
That's so funny when they're like, all right, we got to get over there.
We got to hit the White House.
And they get on soil.
They're like, oh, shit, a gay nightclub.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
They just can't fucking stay on task.
They're like, I got it.
There's no way.
Yeah.
They get to America.
They're going to fuck us up.
They're going to blow up the White House.
It's like, dude, they got like one night.
They got one retarded gay dude to attack a gay club.
That's all they did.
He got here.
He's like, what's the mission to attack the White House?
And he was like, let me go see a gay bar.
I've been hanging out this club.
He probably let loose, dude.
He was like, I can't let this get back to anyone.
I think that guy was an American citizen.
True.
True.
I think that guy was literally from like Orlando.
It was just like one day he was like, I'm with ISIS.
Yeah, that was definitely a psycho.
But.
It's a good convert, though.
Yeah.
It's like Age of Empires.
They used one of those priests and just fucking turned one of our guys into
theirs.
You know?
He just attacked.
They fucking got it.
All right.
Man.
Good fact check.
ISIS still holds up and is funny.
I do.
I mean, they're nothing against the invisible enemy.
I mean, they're hilarious.
Is the invisible?
Hold on.
Is the invisible enemy COVID or is the invisible enemy the deep state?
Oh.
You tell me.
It's all about the narrative spin, dude.
People argue like, oh, this is made up.
It's like, dude, all you need is one thing and then you can lie your pants off
about it
and there's no repercussion.
Yeah.
Dude, when these numbers came out, when they were talking all this shit, I was
like, I just,
dude, I don't see it, dude.
I don't think we're going to get hit.
We're not going to have the bubonic plague again.
I mean, hey.
Yeah.
Hey.
Look, we could be celebrating a little early here, dude.
This could be.
But we are officially announcing COVID is done.
On the podcast today, it's over.
You guys can go about your business.
Dude, they shut down.
Do you get in trouble for that?
If you're, who's the guy who does London Real?
You know the Jack guy who always flogs the shirt off, Brian something?
He's like, hey, guys, just did a 47-mile hike here.
They shut down my David Icke video.
Did you see that guy?
No, I didn't even watch that.
I didn't watch the David Icke video.
Do you know, do you watch London Real?
It's a guy who always wears a pinstripe suit.
No, he sounds great.
He's pretty fucking sick.
We got to start.
He wears a suit?
He wears, every interview wears a, it's called like, his name's like Brian
something.
Every interview, you wear a pinstripe, he wears a pinstripe suit.
So he's a classic man.
Classic, dude.
He's a classic, man.
Yeah, he's G-Denna, dude.
And now he loves, now he loves freedom.
He loves David Icke.
He did a David Icke, his David Icke interview was fire.
I'll give it to him.
But it got pulled down.
Now he's being like sanctioned and shit by London or whatever.
So now he just takes his shirt off every morning and just vlogs with like a
selfie stick.
And he's like, hey, guys, quick update.
I'm worried about David Icke.
He's so fucking funny.
Nothing like a good squint into the distance, dude.
Oh, yeah.
This dude, this dude rules.
Dude, we, the fact that we're not doing shirtless vlogs is killing us right now.
Killing our numbers, dude.
I think we're all right.
Killing our, we should start doing like, hey, guys, we just did like three sets
of 10 pushups.
My wrist hurts.
My wrist hurt on the last one, so I did seven.
I got a little tendonitis of the elbow from Jim Glass.
It's flaring up again.
People are furious about the John McAfee interview.
I'm kind of worried about his safety right now.
True.
McAfee was saying, dude, we might have to run it back with Big Mac, dude.
We have to hit the Mac attack, dude.
He's been going against cronies day one.
He has.
He might be right about it.
He might be the most right.
I mean, dude, he's been, I mean, he knows everything.
Obviously, he's flying drones over, you know, Epstein's place.
So, he knows what's going on.
I hear that.
Heard that twice, dude.
Say it again.
Dude, how you feeling, man?
Back from a mega.
All right, man.
I'm back from mega vacation, and now the mega vacation is going to keep rolling.
I'm going to take a little rest stop at Mommy and Daddy's, and then tomorrow I'm
going to
head out to Stanhope, so I'm going to start driving to Arizona tomorrow.
What's your safety plan in the parents' house right now?
When you're as good as corn.
I just went upstairs and rummaged through the cabinets.
So, I might kill my parents because I needed some Keebler cookies.
I risked it all for a couple of Keebler Elf cookies.
Which ones?
E.L. fudge?
Yeah, dude.
Dude, I'm about to risk my family for one of those little fudge wheels.
No, dude.
It was a classic E.L. fudge.
And I saw them, and I was like, dude, they've had a good life.
True.
You need sussed in right now.
If they get cronies from these E.L. fudges, that's what happens.
Yeah, I mean, they'll...
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'll probably eat dinner with them.
I'll probably sit at dinner.
Like, I mean, I don't know.
Maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll kill them.
Yeah.
If I do that.
It's a good time to kill them if you want to kill them.
You can kill them right now.
Just murder them.
They'll count them as COVID.
If you murdered your parents right now, they'd, like, come in with, like, a
head wound.
It'd be like, COVID.
One, two, four.
Okay, here we go.
COVID's breaking people's heads open.
Is my internet fucking up?
Is that happening for you?
A little bit.
It is a little bit fucking up.
Pause it up.
Let's jump.
We'll see something.
Disconnect and reconnect.
Disco Rico, dude.
We're back in, dude.
I mean, it's Mad Max world, dude.
If you see a glitch, that's just, that's what it is right now.
Something we can do.
Bro, the fight I had to.
One of my eyes turns red.
It's like, back in.
Sorry, dude.
Terminator world.
The fight I had to have, the fight I had to have to get this fucking Wi-Fi, it's
incredible.
Every time I'm at this house, there is a guaranteed fight for what the Wi-Fi is.
No one here writes it down, and either do I.
I probably should.
Well, is it, like, the one that came with the router?
Or is it, like, geezer?
Geezer password codes are easy to crack.
It's like, Phil Gillis, address, birthday.
Yeah, well, no, it's usually my niece's name and her birthday.
Got you.
But there's some with my, just my niece's name.
There's some with capital niece's name.
There's some with my sister's name.
There's, it's just like.
Yeah.
The geezer, they, they do, and I never understand, I mean, I guess you're
supposed to, but use
the same password for everything.
Just fuck it.
Yeah.
Like, the only thing I ever have to remember is if it's capitalized or not.
Yeah, I have, like, one or two passwords that I just cycle through.
If it's not one, it's, I'll just cycle through all my passwords and I'll get it.
My mom doesn't know the password to log on t