Name: Standing on The Gravitron
Uploaded: 2020-04-21T01:10:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Standing on The Gravitron' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Standing on The Gravitron' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-21. Transcript available.

Standing on The Gravitron

thing we here dude we're live dude with the pr dude pr out sakes coming from my
mic dude king
of podcasts you're here on the fucking man saying secret podcast it's not a
secret no more now that
i'm here now you guys are on the map yeah you are our third pick today we two
had two dropped out
and uh i was like holy shit we never had lewis on the podcast you don't have to
say that you don't
have to tell me you just let me go on feeling good do you not know how to get
the best set of
somebody on a podcast let me give you a podcast i'm gonna give you guys podcasting
lessons
man shane ladies and gentlemen it's time for your sponsors to leave in your
shitty studio to fail
dude and you'll come crawling crawling slithering to come work at fucking chat
nation dude you don't
think yeah nobody's on the nobody's on the dole at chat digital dude everyone
pulls their own weight
there's not even any money transferred it's a it's a future company
whatever the next thing after bitcoin is it just after this is a company for
after currency it just
isn't a thing we're just a conglomerate that just don't you know our finances
are just all conjoined
in like a weird way yeah not via any kind of wallet or currency it's
unbelievable it's a better way it's
it's unbelievable it's unbelievable what we built it's a better way well look
here here's the thing i'd like
to learn from you guys about finance and future finance and i'll teach you guys
about podcasting
together we could maybe change the world so i was checking my robin hood app my
stocks are up right
now
shane how are you dude i've missed you i know i missed you too i'm doing all
right i uh
yeah i'm good how's she going out there everything's good man it's it's really
nice out here but uh
yeah just you know it still sucks no matter where you are yeah like i'm here i
don't i don't know
what's i i'm assuming stan hope's like pretty rich but there's no way he has a
nice home it's impossible
yeah it is it is nice oh really it's nice yeah i mean it's it's nice his money
on like you know
like lawn ornaments that's actually exactly right there's nice lawn ornaments
that's like cool lawn
lawn ornaments so that's keeping me afloat no i mean i bet he has a dope-ass
lawn ornament collection
his so he has like a main house there's a guest house and then a like a lawn
ornament house and then
and then a trailer like a camper that's fucking nice but yeah the in between in
between all of it
is uh lawn ornaments right it's good to be set up for having people just like
randomly come stay with
you for undisclosed time just be like yeah come chill that's that's how your
house is no issue
that's what's up how do you feel about that lewis um having friendship yeah i
would love it
nice be great just how blaze are you have any friends it's 420 obviously i'm
how 420 blazed are
you dude i've been smoking all fucking day dude i'm a fucking counterculture
hero do you hear what
rogan said about me what he said yeah do you do are you kidding me what do you
say you get everyone
blunts or something are you kidding that was him being racist dude he was
making a racist
did you guess that or you know that no i saw the clip i saw the fucking clip
yeah damn right you saw
that fucking clip i was about to share my screen i have the ability to do that
you guys know that
i mean yes let me sit and let me explain to you something about podcasting
you're such a fucking dipshit dude yeah dude you're the oil companies we're tesla
dude
you're the oil company man you guys are dinosaurs bro but you're the band we're
tesla dude
we're the future i'm sorry your your time's up you guys had a good run
we're just gonna recruit big j and bankrupt you
i fucking i would love to if we could shut this business down right now oh give
me the opportunity
really can we buy you out we'll buy gas now's the time you could easily buy
right now you could buy
gas digital how much you want damn he's gonna lie and give a crazy number here
and then off air be like
10 g's oh i was gonna say 800 dollars oh done i was gonna buy and fire
everybody use the studio
you're gonna buy it just to burn it down yeah you want the studio nah no no so
what's going on
lewis you're blazed because it's 420 right that's pretty sick all right well
dude i mean come on man
i've been fucking i am a counterculture legend at this point when when joe when
did you learn the word
counterculture when this week did you learn counterculture that you're fucking
trying it out
i can't believe you called off skank fest dude i thought you guys were going to
stay true to that
and just do it anyway yeah i wish i really should have died their opening uh is
in uh texas open
back this week though yeah you guys should do it this week wouldn't you you
know if you guys were
real you guys would do if i was realizing like dude skank fest tonight
lewis you're looking good though dude you look jacked are you like my fucking
shoulders doggy
yeah you want to know why because i'm eating at home i'm not going out when you
go out and about
and you just fucking make worse choices because even when you eat shitty at
home it's better than
eating shitty out true i ordered out today and they sent me somebody else's
food included in my
order it was like the best thing that's ever happened to me in a long time it
was extra oh
that i i was gonna say that's the worst thing ever no they sent me my meal and
then somebody else
just ordered to happen to order dessert i got that too i got somebody's dessert
and what was the
dessert you had a sweet banana whip yeah it was a banana whip it was like a irish
potato banana whip it
was so good so so good that i i was that's probably the happiest i've been in a
long time just eating
somebody else's dessert and just being like man they're probably so fucking mad
right now
somebody's like furious somebody like me like he's calling threatening the life
of the delivery
oh my god i will find him send him back motherfucker that's a problem i can't
control my anger when i call
up to complain about something like that so they never send them back like you
can't just say like i
call them up friendly like yeah they forgot my whip banana whip but yeah i
would love you know
but i call back yeah motherfucker yeah forget my whip that's right bitch send
it back now and then
it never comes of course not why why yeah why do you go so hard on these people
yeah it's it's it's
bothered me ever since i've met you but i mean i love almost everything about
you you act like that
defines me you know that's one part of me that's a pretty major thing like if i
was out you know when
you make a delicious cake not every ingredient is delicious you know if you
just took a yes yes
definitely no that's not true every single time is a cake you never put it
heard in the middle
every ingredient if you took a swig of vanilla extract right now you'd be like
wow that's a bit
extreme that's not true you mean the ingredients before the cake yes before
yeah you're a bag of
flour dude yeah here's an egg what are you fucking rocky balboa dickhead okay
yeah no yeah exactly
you need a spoonful of flour like an asshole i don't think so
that's true sometimes you gotta throw in a bad tasting ingredient
that's true sometimes oh shut up dude what'd you think about that shit you look
handsome dude what
are you talking about this is this was a uh you look handsome mistake oh my
fucking god
it was a mistake lewis i think you look are you checking your phone dude no uh
i'm not good at
references so i was looking up a reference to make oh uh mimsy from south park
is the number one
no i was gonna all right i'll just tell you what it is because now you've
called me out on it
um if you were googling references on a podcast
google references
it's like 90 audio listeners they could have just let me fucking hack it to
sound like i'm awesome dude
so you have like a tertiary cortex you use the internet as your brain i have
two writers
sitting here sending me things to say
tell them about the cake whoever that was fire them
was that harrington
old uh bad taste ingredient cake analogy
how they have vanilla extract doesn't taste delicious
was that james
is that your fucking child
you're like nice one james it's a pretty good idea
fine if i use it
yeah i'll do it fall for whatever the rest is i don't know
google it
yeah dude i google things sometimes
and then i act like then i then what i'll do is people if you listen to me
podcast here's what
happened the moment will pass but i've learned through years of podcasting
tricking back into the conversation i'll bring it back
i swear to god
oh dude you suck
it's so funny
i'm a professional podcast
i'm sorry i'm sorry that i'm fucking letting people know the way the sausage is
made right now
well you got caught
tell me what the reference you were gonna google and what search you were gonna
type in like
i just i just love how i shaved head or something
i love how you'll have one joke in your head for like seven minutes of a
podcast and try to bring it to it
oh this makes you so happy
it's only a professional okay
there's people out there think it's all just fucking zigs and zags and zips and
zaps
no man there's some thought put into this
there's some research
i have a joke now steer the conversation back to judge
no i was gonna say
who was the strategy
who was a female comedian that was saying was saying hope before you
oh uh olivia
yes olivia
uh whatever what's her last name again she's very funny
olivia grace yeah
yeah i'm just fucking high as shit
olivia grace very funny comedian
but i was gonna say what does stanhope make everyone get that haircut
yeah she does she she got a fucking totally shaved head
i had long hair on the sides and we were shitfaced
and i was like me and stanhope
dude stanhope
he cut your hair
well one of his
no no no
stanhope is bullying shane dude
no he's not
he mk ultra shane he gave him anti-psychotics
that was true he did drug me
shane got mk ultra
he was like yo
he was like yo it's a sleeping pill
i took it it was like it was an anti-psychotic dude
and i think it was 150 milligrams
it was so much
he just like changed me as a person
he just makes you dance
he was like shane take your shirt off
dude he's there
therefore like you never see like a guy walking down the street
i don't want no motherfuckers
like therefore that guy
like to get him in and make him sleep for 72 hours
that's good though i silenced that voice for a minute
i had that for like 24 hours i was like maybe i'm not gay
dude it was waking up dude waking up with this haircut i was
i've spent the last 36 hours or however long i've had this
uh just every day i wake up just like oh i'm silly
is that it i'm a goofy guy now with a cool
like a goofy haircut like your hair
yeah i i uh
you gotta get a pair of like silly socks
like suspenders
yeah yeah
like socks with like pizza slices on them
oh fuck
whoa dude
you actually
dude yeah your hair is fucking it's terrible
i know i know i know i know
no it does suck and uh i'm just
uh i gotta do something but then what happened
we shaved like around the ear this part
look at that hair
can i can you go can we see the back of it
no i can't i can't
the back
the front's the show part
the front don't look bad
the front dude
no frog's bad dude looks what's the why is it like
it looks whopped there and that's like why is it like
it's it's there's no i was wearing that
i think it looks cool bro i think it looks kind of cool right now
i'm not gonna lie yeah thanks matt that's because you're a good friend
that's the greatest hair ever
i'm still laughing at how an off-label use of seroquel you're saying is like
makes you not feel gay
that's a sick pharmaceutical commercial dude i used to feel gay as hell dude
i used to be so fucking gay
i beat the shit out of myself for every single thing i did
try seroquel dude
you're not that fucking gay bro
you don't have to wear the same three shirts every day you can try a new shirt
dude
oh yeah is that