Name: D.A.W.G. ROLL CALL
Uploaded: 2020-05-17T01:32:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'D.A.W.G. ROLL CALL' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'D.A.W.G. ROLL CALL' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-17. Transcript available.

D.A.W.G. ROLL CALL

we're live baby we are live hey he's got disconnected oh here he is we dragged
we
dragged and e dalton into the green we dragged this fucking star wars character
from some sort
of like desert planet and he's trading with jawas currently yeah he's a fucking
junk trader yes dude
break out the pistols fuck yeah dude yeah we uh i wanted to make sure we could
just like we can just
literally click your names and bring you in now it's a little more streamlined
shane shane doesn't
like the new format but i don't i don't mind the new format i just think we had
one that worked so
it's good to risk it and uh you know find out even if we're live streaming this
on youtube who knows
uh oh we are actually i see it all right good we're doing we got multiple i
should have 10 monitors
right now but the fact that i do this you can't operate one all right he my he
was like are you
using a different mic because i guess my audio was coming through my headphones
he's like yeah i'm a
tech wizard it's like no i forgot all about that dude i was again i i must have
problem shot so many
things that you know i'm i for this point problem shot yeah troubleshoot
troubleshoot problem shooting
let's tech speak dude i'm talking and see your problem shooter i'm talking to c
plus plus dude
the alt dude what so you were just taking a nap you were sleeping dude yeah i
was like wait
i woke up too goddamn early i was like dude okay i don't have to do anything
today my days have been
packed as so i'm gonna what you what's your day packed with break me down the
to-do list
what's his day in the life dude i'm helping my mama out here bro i'm heard that
she don't live with
me no more so i'm just out in this house taking care of like you know all the
little nonsense of
owning a house and then um you're the ranch hand she's i like it yeah she's
supporting her grandmother
and you know least i can do respect her like to help her like she's supporting
her
grandmom deporting or supporting supporting my grandma oh there's a deporting i
was like that's
swag will you turn your head real quick stick to what you will you turn your
head real quick to the
side i like that hey you look like you're leading the underground railroad
right now
it's that's look like you got that harriet taubman look bro it looks good man
that's what we're out
here doing i don't know what we're exporting i don't know maybe are you from uh
are you in cali
where are you from uh no i'm from florida dude that's what i'm talking about of
course i'm from
florida i'm from i'm from broward county dude yes dude oh my god yeah dude i'm
out here um and
then i woke up literally six minutes before this started and i was like all
right let me get in
here let's see what let's see what's going on man that's swag dude that's so
all right brother we're
about to grab another dog some other cbd all right dude dude dude you're the
man back to the boys bro
keep on doing it damn dude dude yeah yeah all right one for one hey look as i
we grabbed that
was that was a an absolutely oh boy dude dude who are you tossing in you can't
play we can't play
just favorites i think we're not playing just favorites but i got i gotta i'm
just gonna yeah
yeah we gotta bring the classics in of course grabbing randos but apparently we
got we should
have someone popping in in a minute we'll see oh boy yo dude it's right it's
bad bro
right at that damn dude what's up what's up bro what's killing uh boy i bought
a house
you bought a house in milwaukee oh no actually down in illinois but uh close
enough your internet's crap
dude oh that's all right you so you moved from uh milwaukee to illinois no we're
just breaking in the
home out that's what's up where's your boy uh come here right no he's here
so who bought a house i don't understand this boy
congrats bro it's awesome all of our fans are native americans
yes unite the tribes bro that's what it's all about dude fighting illini ratatatat
you rule what
what are you what are you up to bro you're just smoking fun uh
you guys didn't i'm gonna i'm gonna tap you back in bro you guys are connected
whack
love you guys we'll get you back
yeah dude oh yeah i bought a house
no his boy bought a house dude boy's got that casino money dude he grabbed a
house
here we go dude i didn't know we were uh doing this early in the morning i had
a big old helpful
of coconut or big spoonful of coconut oil yeah well i woke up and i was like we
haven't we haven't
we haven't blessed the dogs in a little bit we got to put some content out and
uh yeah not true
that i just didn't i you know before we made this plan i had already ingested
the uh
the brew and i was like by like three o'clock dude i was a little fucked up i'm
like just now
like coming back yeah i was out uh i went out my friends were out golfing i
went and got a little
shit up what up bro what's up bro what you up to bro
fucking chilling staying in the hut dude yeah did you get coveted yet or no
no i live the hermit lifestyle so i think we're pretty good nice did you jerk
today or no
dude i haven't tugged taffy in a long time really dude i live the hermit life
now it's
fucking uh i live in a village town near toledo ohio what's a village town are
you a blacksmith
what are you talking about you've never heard that term midwest boys never
village town yeah
no it's the same word twice
like a small town it's if it's less than a thousand like population oh
shit really us us us fucking cord-fed pieces of shit like oh it's a village
town because we're inbred
pieces okay that makes sense if there's if it's less than a thousand people
technically it's a village
yeah do you know every do you feel like you know everybody in the town uh
no but that you have some local legends that you just their main hit me hit me
with one what's a local
legend shit okay well there's one his name's lenny and he's uh he's a special
boy i'm not sure what the
actual type special boy he is but special yeah he rides around on a moped uh he's
got caught jerking
it caught jerking it quite a lot at the local bar if he's got a moped he's
pretty high functioning a
lot of them stick to like trikes or this is a village town though dude it's
true this is a village town
they're wild and i have a dirt bike dude so he'll have a dirt bike what's that
he should have a dirt
bike if he you know true village town what's he doing riding a vespa jerking
off well he's also like
60. all right he's he's an elder special they you don't see too many of those
they don't they
usually don't make it he also got yeah i know uh he also got this guy just a
pedophile do you have
a pedophile in your town well we used to have a theory that uh when he lives
with his parents still
who are somehow still alive and uh when he finally passes or he moves on to the
next town or whatever
the fuck happens that they're gonna find a key ring of like baby fingers like
this guy is hella creepy
there's a guy there's a guy in my neighborhood right now i haven't been home in
a while there's
just a he must be schizophrenic or something he walk he walks non-stop he just
walks to the neighborhood
and he's like he's around that age he's probably like 50 and he lives with his
parents and every
once in a while he'll just stand out in the front yard just screaming he just
stands in the front yard
of my neighborhood just like fucking bitch bitch fuck you but with some real
shit goes for walks
some real shit though that's what you do in the midwest like how do you have
that yearning just to
fucking stand out in your lawn he's like you fucking bitch it's a good place to
be retarded yeah midwest
probably is the florida for the retarded yeah that should be there that should
be like the motto like
my town i think mechanics works motto is like a good place to live you should
spray paint like if you're
retarded it's good midwest you're right though midwest is perfect for retarded
it's like monster energy
drinks it's nothing but gas stations and truck stops and shit they don't care i
mean granted i've only
driven through it so that's why everyone's kind of nice like everyone's super
nice to you so if
everyone everyone's fat everyone's kind of like a bigger fat body everyone does
have like the downs
kind of like prototype yeah if you want if you you just wander into someone's
house i'm like oh what
are you doing here oh yeah oh what are you doing you want some cookies bud oh
no bitch oh stop that
jerk it off stop jerking it knock it off don't be fresh it's it's a midwest
equilibrium hell yeah yeah
you have the kindness but also sort of the chaotic energy of fargo yeah exactly
guys end up in wood
chippers dude you guys are the retarded and wood chippers all right brother get
out
so you had a couple dude you're drinking uh i i mean i drove i had like
probably like five in like two
hours you made it that's that's nothing true five cold ones out on the out on
the links i was out
golfing dude that's nothing it was great i was they were uh they were all
playing i just fucking i just
went and got a cart i was out there in flip-flops and gym shorts on the course
people were giving me the
eye dude who was looking at you all the other fucking golfers they don't like
to see a dude in gym
shorts and flip-flops out on the course yeah what was their problem yeah you're
definitely not supposed
to be like fleets yeah i just grabbed a cart i i didn't pay or anything i just
went to the club well
my friend west did he was hammered were you driving at all oh yeah i was just
driving the cart oh yo
asb dude what up asb is liable to show us his dong dude it is hot it is hot man
what up not much man
i'm like taking this fellowship learn sales development and you know how it is
with the game
trap and all that so making menus and you're a sweet boy i don't know if these
people know who
you are but you are legitimately one of the weirdest dudes i know in a good way
in a good way yeah i
don't really feel typical like uh los like chat digital listener not at all no
not at all but my
stripping days are over i mean i can't go back to that after this covered yeah
use a webcam cam it up
i mean i've tried but like it's just for fun now like i'm not gonna make any
money doing it
and also like nobody nobody cares like they're not there to see me like do
crazy tricks and
shit like if you're gonna go see strippers they're gonna see big fat dominican
dong i don't got one of
those so you don't have the dong to keep up in the industry i'm wearing sheath
right now so it's like
all right you're getting inched out of the mail oh yeah dude i'm getting inside
for sure wait you're
wearing a sheath right now i'm wearing i got yeah i just got some sheath i'm
wearing it you
got it i mean obviously you need to show dong dude what's what's the sheath
hold up what's the
sheath um it's like a manhood oh you got a manhood no i wish i had a manhood i'm
gonna
get i'm gonna get one actually i've been talking about getting for sure
definitely the sheath is
like yeah because they don't like when you put them on in the morning dude no i
gotta get back
into joking too i don't know how that's gonna work with the piercing shit but
so what's the thing you
have so you have your dong pierced yeah you ever wait so like do you i mean i'm
being serious when
you like fly do you trigger the metal detector and be like it's albert oh what
do you do dude i opt
for the uh i opt for the manual search every time oh that's something about
damn that probably throws
them off dude i'm not trying to get x-rays and like get ball cancer and true do
you ever go through
before the search and just rip off your whole like button up outfit yeah do a
party boy oh we're
on youtube too so you can't really show dong i forgot i can show you my sheath
but you can
throw a sheath product for sure yes so i got i got the mechanics burger uh yeah
dude so what are
those things called sheath undies i'm gonna get some of them they're nice yes
by the way fill it out
i got a pure tina's going on right now bro it j