Name: Tybalt's Hole
Uploaded: 2020-05-20T11:43:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tybalt's Hole' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tybalt's Hole' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-20. Transcript available.

Tybalt's Hole

we on we live yes we doing our motherfucking thing yes it's time it is time
dude it's time
to fucking rip it's time dude you got you got beef going on yeah dude i got mad
beef you got
beef in the house me and phil beef in the last two days what are you guys beefing
on uh he's
working on the yard like he's like planting flowers and shit yeah and if he
does something
he is such a dickhead what do you mean like because he's doing that i'll walk
around and be
like what are you doing today like just like just constant dickhead like so
earlier today i did this
interview with this uh this irish kid it was pretty funny and the one time he
comes down the steps to
work in his his computers down here yeah the only time in the day he came down
was um it's like a 20
minute interview he comes down like fucking dad walked down he needs to be here
every time i
record something he's like what the fuck shank like he like spazzed he's pissed
dude he got
pissed did i tell you this he was yeah i told you this i beeped the horn while
he was cutting the lawn
yeah you did he lost his fucking mind he was wearing my hat and he took it off
and threw it in the yard
and walked inside why'd you beep at him i forget it why'd you beep don't just
take my fucking hat
off it was covered in sweat it was like a ring of sweat in my fucking hat i was
like why are you
wearing that damn dude how's he feel yeah i beeped at him it scared him and
then he got he was like i was
making fun of him i was like you're like my niece i was like you and my niece
are the only ones i know
that spaz when they get scared oh yeah things haven't been good why did you do
some yard work
with the old man i offered like 10 different times i was like you need help
with that he was like no
i'm fine and no he's not mad that i'm not helping he's mad that he's he just
did something so he's
like he's a dickhead yeah he's trying to make it seem like what you're doing is
bullshit because
you're not out there uh not even that necessary yeah that for sure there's
definitely tones of that but
he's just angry like he'll come in the house like what what like if you try to
talk to him it's
fucking crazy dude put some blue jeans on and get out just grab a shovel dude i
told him to fuck off
don't even ask just go out there and be like paul and just start just start
digging next we need to
plant these you know these flowers together hey get those azaleas going dude no
there were there
were real men here working i kept making fun of him for that because he didn't
mulch oh okay
other dudes mulched so he was he's more of like the uh landscape architect yeah
that's what
he's doing right now which it actually looks really good and he's doing a good
job but it's funny
i mean the the cost is not worth like his attitude the actual cost of having a
nice front yard is not
worth phil's i mean dude we're talking pure fucking dickhead he's not worth you
know what you're
talking like the suburban pressure of the perfect lawn this is well he's never
given into that he's
always had a shitty yard like and in my neighborhood people go nuts for like
christmas and halloween and
shit never never one he leaves he leaves the christmas lights in the tree year
round that's
very good and just plugs them in i don't see why more people don't do that
honestly it's very funny
i mean dude that's that's a miserable time of year of like taking down christmas
lights
oh especially our tree in the front's pretty big that's got to be there's got
to be so many cases
on like december 28th of dudes just hanging from christmas lights of just like
getting to the top of
the house and being like fuck it dude just just some wife being like when are
you gonna do that
just suffocating yourself on the inflatable santa just wrapping
yeah putting your head in that snow globe it's uh yeah but i know i know how to
win i know how to
win i anytime my mom's around i bring up the fact that they should have a pool
that's a guaranteed fight
also the fact that phil has been gambling on madden he's been gambling on on
the video games
what yeah twitch will just air simulated games like nobody's playing just
computer versus computer
and him and his friends are fucking betting on it so you felt you got i ratted
him out i ratted him
out anytime he starts talking shit i'm like don't you have fucking video games
to bet on
and he's like okay and my mom's like you better not be
i mean also who's running these simulations that seems like a highly fixable
enterprise
very fixable i'll throw yo i'll put this out there right now i'll throw a madden
game if anyone wants
to bet yeah just change the ratings give tom brady like 99 speed i won't even
have to throw it i'll
just lose bet against me and madden no no one's playing it's just the computer
so this is just a
sim it's just a simulation that dudes are sitting down and watching on their
cell phones and betting on
it taking like dude taking like the over on like the bears versus the titans
what the fuck yeah like
48 points we got to hit it dude i shouldn't i don't know if i should be airing
out the old man but i
saw one guy betting on it that was betting like six hundred dollars a game what
dude he was putting
six hundred dollars on madden where no one was playing holy fuck yeah he's just
a bored boys dude
oh yeah i forgot it's code that's this makes sense yeah you can't put on sports
although there is
nascar now and german soccer so the bets have gone i watched phil phil was
watching a byron munich game
the other day and i was like well you have to i was like please take the over
he's like it's three
three and a half i was like take it did he win yeah i got him a win your picks
are good dude
i'm gonna well i know soccer just from fucking fifa and german league it's just
byron munich
they're the only team everybody else sucks but it's fun damn dude that's
fucking nuts i didn't even
think about what sports bettors or just sports fans and the only thing is nascar
ufc went on right
they did ufc's been good they've had they've had some fucking sick fights yeah
yeah that's been
really good but uh so football about what is it right now this is baseball
season right this is
supposed to be the nba playoffs which would have been fucking that would have
been fun and i think
stanley cup would have been ending soon who was it hadn't the fuck are they
gonna do are they gonna
just like pick up next season season's over yeah no champion no champion what
yeah and then base dude
baseball's plan is like 10 000 tests a day or a game baseball's like plan to
come back that they like
put out is fucking retarded they're doing 10 000 what like 10 000 tests of
covid like per day or
per game in the in the league it's fucking nuts what the fuck so what would it
be like you would walk
into a stadium get tested to go watch i think the stadium's empty i think the
stadium's empty but
they're testing like all personnel in the league every every game i mean
baseball's not that good
no it's not i never understood how baseball was worth that much money i have no
i mean it's it's
geezer that that's gonna die i think it's gonna die hard once the gee i mean
there are there's a lot
of youngsters that go to phillies game there's a lot of like phillies games
here at least you like
tailgate you're like well that's a game i know but think of being like a
fucking marlins fan
it's just stadium's empty every anyway let's let's podcast we're just we're
just chatting right now
come on we gotta get some bits we gotta get some bits rolling dude i'm i'm
still gambling phil's
been gambling on madden on is it on pro mode like is it pro i don't know i don't
know the difficulty
and at the same time he's talking shit on me for playing video games yeah dude
at least you're
playing them that's a weird uh it's crazy i'd be sick if you made a creative
player and just like
went through their simulated league and i know crushing people i know it'd be
so funny to just make
phil gillis make him a running back i want to start betting on how is this
betting on cod
call of duty would be tight man that'd be frustrating that would be pretty fun
that would be frustrating
that's frustrating to play yeah well right now just get randomly killed yeah
right now i'm uh
i'm in the midst of absolute call of duty warfare right now you're in it i get
to dude god as soon as
we started this i was like you all right i could just see my man's dude usually
i i was you know
i'm bragging i'm like i'm on the periphery i'm not really getting you know i'm
not getting sucked
into it you're sucked it i was in the eye of the storm was watching like oh boy
it's peaceful here
but i see some clouds on the horizon finally got sucked into it it's just like
jesus fucking christ
it's it's it's i i don't i don't understand like what'd they get you on what
were the charges
nothing it's just like it's just bullshit man it's just like getting it's like
i'm sitting there
being like yeah that's bullshit yeah that's bullshit yeah at one time you and
you guys both said this
thing to me i'm like fuck forgot about that that was a while ago now i just you
know i'm in the dog
house i just got literally sucked into a t4 just right into the dog house dude
oh i was chilling i was
that's an f5 it sounds like you got hit with an f5 that sounds like i was
chilling dude just being
like there looks like there's a tornado up there and this guy sucked it you saw
some greenage the
clouds went green you had a now you had a fujita a five on the fujita scale
there's a tomato up
there way in kentucky way i got pulled right off right off my front porch
sucked the piece of wheat
right out of my mouth dude i was like oh shit got thrown did you ever see that
uh that fucking
there was a tornado uh where trump went trump i think it might have been tennessee
trump went to
like talk about the tornado that happened and uh he was like an amazing story
this this boy he got
thrown there was like a nine-year-old that got thrown like a football field he
just got thrown down
the street yeah yeah yeah doug flutie fucking launched tornado flutie fucking
tosses pigskin dude
and uh while he was like talking about how incredible the story was and he's
like now he's back with his
family the guy was like no his family his family died and he was like still an
incredible story
like he just that was great was this recently yeah yeah it was this year it was
this like since january
yeah that's funny apparently uh i i was something was brought to my attention
that now they're trying
to say believe all women is a like that's like alt-right trap now saying like i
mean it is it's like
you know yeah they made it they made the rules exactly now it's like what it's
against them it's
yeah like this is an alt-right trap dude this is a dude in the fucking uh the
atlantic this week
the atlantic there was no time what they did i was just reading like comments
because somebody was
talking about you know somebody was talking about like canceled people on
twitter and then they were
like they were just like talking about how uh what's his name the guy that was
on saturday live
though al franken yeah i like he got canceled unjustly like all they did was
name like three
liberal people that got canceled on season so like everybody else is exactly
right yeah yeah it's what
it is yeah man dude i i was telling billy today i'm like i just again i i can't
understand if the
president's such an important job how is it that if you're like you're trying
to take down trump
how is it that joe biden if this is a job that actually matters where in the
world where you're
like all right we need a stuttering guy with a long history of sexual impropriety
it's like if it's
that important of a job you can't find like that dude couldn't be the ceo of
apple these people are
no of course so it's like you're telling me i mean in their defense either
could trump like no exactly
but it's like the same thing it's like if it's such an important job we're
supposed to 