Name: Dad Dwyer
Uploaded: 2020-05-27T01:59:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dad Dwyer' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dad Dwyer' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-27. Transcript available.

Dad Dwyer

all right baby we live we live yeah i thought we're just carrying over a
conversation we're
just having i thought uh genuinely i was like oh nice if i don't drink for like
a month i'm
definitely gonna like lose weight instead i've just eaten well my mommy and
daddy make dinner
so i'm not used to i'm not used to having more than one serving even available
usually just whatever i order that's it that's the end of the food now there's
like i can finish
eating a full dinner and immediately go eat dinner before this podcast i had a
bowl of spaghetti
start holding it down like that in restaurants when everything goes back to
normal it's like
go immediately to the back of the kitchen with your plate and just go like to a
big pot well i'm
gonna just get a half half of what i just had i'm just kidding i'm just getting
another portion i'm
just getting another 50 percent of what i just after this you'll be able to do
whatever the fuck
you want in a restaurant you just go in the kitchen like what i'm getting i'm
getting seconds what you
guys sure i'll go somewhere else i will go somewhere else you guys are lucky
you're here
right now i can't have a second half portion finish myself off to make sure
that i'm immobile
i need my stomach to be heavy now yeah it's uh well yeah just threaten to like
spit on them be
like i'll come back here i'll spit on all the food dude actually you can do
that pre-coronies
start holding people speaking of holding people hostages you see that amy
cooper lady strangle her
dog what uh there was just this lady in central park and a black uh a black
dude who was a bird
watcher so that's the level of threat we're talking about as far as black dudes
bird watcher
bird watcher so he's got like a jeff cap on like a weird complicated button
probably like a scarf
yes couldn't i mean come on come on he's wearing like a slug button down with
chinese symbols on it
oh my god yeah the basically they got the whitest argument possible like her
dog was off her leash
in the area of central park where bird washers bird watchers go and he didn't
want the dog scaring
off the bird so he was like ma'am you have to put that dog on a leash and she
fucking lost her shit
was like i'll call the police on you right now oh my god and uh so yeah she's
getting she's getting
i mean crucified dude she's her job's gone i think the dog was recognized by
the uh because during the
phone call she's literally strangling the dog for some reason she's just lost
her mind she's she's in
a pure panic and she's holding the dog by the collar that's like it's choking
the dog oh and she's
she like calls the cops she's like there's a african-american man who's
threatening me
and my dog and uh so anyway she's getting you know publicly crucified and so
much so that she's
definitely gonna lose her job and she also lost her dog the dog she had to
return the dog
it was a rescue so she she gave the dog back she so she strangled this lady's
done
yeah and then i was just looking at articles that's suicide watch shit dude you
lose your
rescue dog oh she's gonna kill herself and she also she had like a white lady
uh she was probably
like late 30s early 40s late 30s i only saw one grainy video but she had like
short hair she had
like a rachel maddow cut and it's like obviously this lady's liberal yeah like
clearly and uh i just
i was just reading articles about how uh they're like no liberal liberal white
people can be racist too
just so you know it's like oh oh really oh for real tell me oh really explain
this like no it's
believe it or not it's not party lines democrats can be racist too it's like oh
thank you thank you
media oh that's so fucking it's fucking even even in these moments they're patting
themselves on the
back for being liberal and being like no democrats can be racist too yeah
believe it or not unbelievable
believe it or not sometimes when rich democrats see black people we fantasize
about calling the police
just because we're scared yeah nervous we don't know what's going on sometimes
dude that's so funny
she's like in like a pug in one of those like anime type battles he was like
you need to move your dog
she's like i'll call the fucking police right now calling the police please
come sing sing like all the
fucking yeah oh she's also probably going through her head she's like who do i
call to deal what
the situation arose and she was like oh i'm gonna call the police oh yeah i'd
like to report a black
guy inconvenience me there's a black guy bothering me yeah what a black guy
disagreeing with me in the
park yeah oh these are the mutts dude what one of those mutts which one is that
i'm gonna choke both
of these guys so someone takes them off me let me see those boys here i'll just
i'm gonna pull the
logitech around let's see these boys yes look at that basement bro you got a
nice setup yeah i gotta it's
i gotta keep cleaning it up man it's a little it's getting there it's getting
there what are the
mutts doing down there i'm banishing them well if the door sometimes i don't
shut the door all the
way and they just jackson busts his head through the door let me uh you gotta
banish him yeah for
all right we back the mutts have been getting rid of them dags yeah so this
lady was she so she just
bugged out she bugged out and she bugged dude well i mean that's also any i
mean you know this lady's
i would guess she's decently well to do she's out you know oh she was like a
vice president of she yeah she's doing well yeah so it's like you know then
this this goes for a lot
of you know people who like share huffington post articles are like this is so
fucked up i can't
believe this as soon as they're inconvenienced at all their brat supersedes
their ability to be like
a liberal white hero so as soon as they get inconvenienced like we'll fucking
call the police
on you black motherfucker oh shit yeah i mean so high that that's what people
don't realize
it's it's what we've literally been pointing out and what we've been basically
at war with
since 2016 yeah you and i yep like we've had our fucking swords out against
this for years just
white liberals being racist as fuck yeah and then hiding behind this weird like
holier than thou like
can you believe trump supporters are so stupid it's like you're just as dumb
you're just as dumb
you're equals yeah man you're the same people well when they you know they've
been building their
personality for the last four years and how they're like morally superior to
everybody else and it's
like and it just just fucking yeah and all it takes is one bird watcher being
like hey can you put
your dog on a leash more morality out the window oh dude that's funny i mean it's
also also big news
uh jimmy fallon uh tweeted out that he was very sorry for doing a blackface
impression of
chris rock on snl in the 2000s
i don't know that's also funny too to just not think for yourself to the point
we're just like
what are you doing we're doing blackface today okay guys i'll do some blackface
and then he'd be like
oh no oh no that's the wrong decision oh man
whoa well i i thought i'd like blackface now i don't i you know that's a that's
a pretty good
fallon oh dude i've been spying fallon for a minute really have you been
practicing fallon at
night no i haven't been practicing i just i watch him i'm just like ever since
he made fun of neil
young i was like fuck you dude that's what he personally offended me and he hit
the year he hit the
year though here pretty hard which is funny all these people that like this is
i think he might have
been reading his own reddit comments because i don't i think he just made a preemptive
apology
for no reason he just came out was like oh dude and first of all yeah that's
funny it's funny he
was like oh by the way totally forgot about this and missed all these people
losing their jobs and
stuff just jogged i just saw my facebook timeline it's probably him in blackface
he was like remember
this he was like oh shit in here he goes actually you should probably read it
with your accent in 2000
while on snl i made a terrible decision to do an impersonation of chris rock
while in blackface
there is no excuse for this i am very sorry for making this unquestionably
offensive decision
unquestionably offensive decision that's so that's honestly like close to the
verbiage that mbc was
trying to get me to say it's very close how's the clip how's i think they have
a how's his blackface
first of all i'm sure it's wildly offensive i'm saying is he good at it or is
he bad at it
i i i think he's good he's good at impressions i was about to say he did i mean
i that's i want
to know if i get a neil young impression consider us you know beef and squash
like i consider black
face as long as you come out and say like shouldn't have mocked neil young
because that personally
pissed me the fuck off blackface jimmy that's funny i was just typing it in
realized blackface jimmy
is a funny nickname for jimmy valon this is pretty funny bfj uh it's pretty
good really
i have to see this oh man
blackface jimmy who was the uh who was like the the makeup designer i don't
know they need to be
held accountable too i'm gonna get the you know see if they're still around
over at snl blackface
isn't a solo crime this is like a team there's like there's definitely an
entire team that pulls
off a blackface people just don't do this alone do you think of because i it's
funny to imagine
sitting it looks like a barber shop like where they're uh where the makeup room
is at snl like
you just sit in a chair and so there's like a team of people around him like
painting his face black
they must have been like this actually looks pretty uh you look pretty black oh
yeah there was
definitely something i said that the whole time there's yeah there's definitely
someone like no no no
don't they have like lighter kind of mustache yeah yeah the mustache don't they
have how do we make
his fucking nose bigger
yeah that was good stuff that was somebody's job that was somebody's job to be
like
no it's not right perfect some makeup artist is like perfect yeah he's like say
some jive real
quick would you know that perfect that makeup artist is definitely on facebook
right now like
and these motherfuckers i can't believe anyone would do this it's like calling
all makeup artists how
many dude you know how many times a makeup artist probably gets called to like
a rich person's house
and they're like blackface please doll me up here that's when you go to the
elites dude that was uh
the elites should instead of those like eyes wide shut parties with those masks
they definitely have
just blackface parties dude they 100% do you can't convince me they don't like
oh i got a good
makeup artist excellent blackface that's that's all they do that's the whole
point of halloween so the
elites could just comfortably do blackface that's when it started
it's a psyop yeah it didn't start back it didn't start like dios de los martes
it started like 1975
the elites were like true we please start doing blackface
the elites dude it is so funny that like frats used to have like
pimps and hoes parties where dudes would like go full blackface like everyone
did blackface
well they would just be pimps that was in that was like while we were in
college
oh dude that was like very recently yeah that was like they wouldn't go
i don't think i never seen anyone bust out the makeup on a pimps and hoes party
but i it was like
you've seen pictures it's always like a dude in a michael vick jersey
oh really i've always seen pimps and hoes parties where it was like people
would just dress like pimps
but i've never seen i've never seen them go full bore on the uh you know yeah i
don't think anything
was holding people back other than the effort true true that was a bad blackface
party i'm trying to
think of these blackface parties aren't even close i'm trying to think of like
when it became so like
when i you know i guess i graduated school 2009 so 2004 honest