Name: MSSP-Ep 300- Emergency Teenis
Uploaded: 2020-06-10T02:03:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP-Ep 300- Emergency Teenis' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP-Ep 300- Emergency Teenis' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-10. Transcript available.

MSSP-Ep 300- Emergency Teenis

wow we're fucking up we're up we're in this dude we basically defeated
coronavirus we did
no problem coronavirus was uh it was soft but we were just admiring this is the
new studio as you
can see here uh matt placed a pirate map treasure map treasure map yeah for
pirates it's a treasure
map specifically designed for pirates yeah back in the day pirates when they
would do like treasure
maps they would draw like pirate stuff on them pirate ships yeah we should put
a ship so we all know
this is actual pirate treasure yeah i like it yeah i mean dude the cut we can
always customize i was
like this thing looks i bought it i might just be hilarious that's a bad idea
if you're if you're
like interior doing interior design you've never done interior design like what
looks what's the
funny what looks funny these gamer chairs are pretty cool and sounded like a
funny bit but now we have
gamer chairs and people are like why the would you guys do that so it was funny
we're the interior
designers like dude gamer chair i mean honestly gamer chairs are the funniest
cyber chairs are the funniest
chairs i mean without a doubt come on dude i can fully i can fully fucking go
back
like damn you get some heads i mean dude i could be gaming and be like fuck
dude i gotta get up in three
three hours just go you like that i gotta bring this uh it brings us to our
producer
la merrilee in the back dude what up hey my mic's metal god damn it i gotta be
at autozone in two
three hours fuck
i see uh wrong store to pick
gamers don't look at autozone
are you a police officer yeah man so uh ain't no thing dude ain't nothing no
big deal shit's still gay
current events we're covering those true we can we can uh gladly report that
shit is still gay
yeah um i'll say about like it's about in terms of like humidity it's about 85
percent yeah it is
lessening yeah it's going down um but we had a gay snap in there real quick now
there was a gay front
that came through the gay front was strong and now it's still like it's hitting
like uh saw this video
of i saw this image of nancy pelosi like kneeling with a bunch of people yeah
all wearing like not
dashikis but like the african like like a preacher's uh you know the thing a
priest wears around his neck
yeah like that and like african shawl yeah like an african texture yeah i got
her saying fabric
kneeling with you have you have dashikis i have several dashikis i have one i
do i don't have it
someone went on a vacation bought me a dashiki so i have one you have a dashiki
i have one in my closet
damn you should do like you know when white ladies because you you're about to
have a wedding with a
african-american woman yeah you should you should do like you ever see like
white ladies who marry an
indian guy and have like my sister married an egyptian and had like an egyptian
wedding sure
where she had to dress like you should wear a dashiki for the way i might
i might i might i might do like an one shorts
long cut and once dude oh man i think in ones have been uh relegate like there's
a definitely
a fashion ecosystem but i think it's like the fashion eventually filters down
to definitely like
fat white dudes with fat legs that's who wears an one shorts and one shorts or
yeah it all trickles down to just dudes who do heroin
it's just dudes in heroin and one think of all their nicknames sleepy
oh even like oh shit sleepy's got it and wawa
like south pole gear it's just heroin everything filters down to heroin addicts
it was it anichi n y c e n y c yeah is that how you pronounce it yeah i i just
call it ants
but i think it's an issue i think you're right maybe
that's totally trickled down so basically yeah it does go from like black
culture
whatever's fashionable a decade later white drug users will be wearing it
and they'll be sleeping in it like which is good it's extra fabric
true those guys are probably like fashioning tents out of it true man like a
first down bubble jacket
dude that's fucking perfect for sleeping in kenzie tin
yeah that's i think that's actually how like i could be wrong i think denim
started as a tent
really lemare you're fired
i know i know this isn't the climate for us to be firing our only minority
partner
but you're fucking fired dude
uh yeah i could be wrong about that but i think denim started as a tent fabric
and then like miners miners just started wearing them as pants because they
were durable
that's also not a very breathable fabric
you're in a denim do you ever wake up in a tent
yes it's fucking hot it sucks the tarp
it always sucks i've never not had a shitty experience waking up in a tent
yeah man if you woke up in a tent you would just have a nut sweat on your
forehead
and a jean tent yeah just non-stop
it would just your whole body would be crotch sweat
yeah well their lives did suck so i mean you just wake up all sweated out
and you're just like all right i got a shower last night i worked out last
night and did like
a no soap shower i call them rinse offs yeah i was like running real quick i'll
just do it
dude i like just rinse you ever rinse off you get real sweaty and rinse off
with no soap and it's like
you're basically gladiator i like just rinsed off of water and i'm like this is
how i used to do it
dude you just go into a river like you had to give an important date you'd be
outside just like
like eating bugs and doing shit and you just would like put water on you and be
like dude i'm fresh
as fuck right now yeah you'd be like you know digging in the dirt munching some
bugs well if you're farming
back in the day your crops not going you're like digging you're definitely munching
bugs as you're going
there's been a lot of bug munching that's flown under the radar yeah if you're
like uh if you're
like a 17th century farmer and you're sitting there and you're digging your
potato crop kind of sucks
you're gonna you're i wonder if munching bugs was like you know how like today
like i'll toss a booger
in there every once in a while munching a book i'll watch your book every once
and get rid of it
true you gotta get rid of it sure yeah toss it in maybe launch it yeah but if
it's one of the
i treat boogers like i do if i get a packet i get drugs if i'm getting pulled
over i'll consume it if
someone's what are you doing i'm like nothing i bet that's how bug eating was
back in the day
you sneak people like everybody kind of did it yeah but it was very shameful to
admit that like every
once in a while you had you pretended to not have one in your fingernail like
you think people were out
here hakuna matata just like dude this is what we breaking up in a log yeah
like nobody dude i've been
strong into that you're talking a good time period for me yeah the whole way
out here i was listening
to that book again first off what's the book book is oh yeah a lot of people
were asking it's called
war on the run it's about robert rogers and uh but it's also about like just
life pre-revolution
in america and like native americans and shit and i have been harsh on the
natives last couple episodes
that's what happens when you report on something before you finish a book true
like i read one chapter
that was just like this is what the indians used to do and then the next
chapter was like
they did have some good things but i only got the bad part welcome to my world
and immediately
reported on it and i was like they were called savages for a reason and then uh
but no they had
some dude hilarious this was making me laugh i knew you'd like it uh these four
white dudes got caught
catching beavers their beaver pelts were like that was money back sure yeah
that was because in in the
colonies they didn't really have that much currency uh so i mean dudes would
counterfeit like crazy
it's really funny too there when there's like no money people like all right
well forget about money
what else do we have like we all beaver fucking beavers are everywhere like all
right well that's
money now i can say everything continue uh oddly enough the chapter was called
uh well it was about
how if you counterfeited back then it was a death penalty which hasn't changed
much
wow you're just a nation anyway excuse me pardon well it's actually policed by
the secret society
still or the secret society secret service what's that counterfeiting 40 and so
on my part yeah the
counterfeiting's uh it's it's policed by the secret service they're the ones
following money the
president's bodyguards or something they're also made they're also they protect
they give their life
for the bodyguard and they also have to make sure nobody's printing funny money
that's a secret
services job they used to literally on bills say to counterfeit is death
usually printed on bills
like yeah you if you got caught counterfeiting you were like they would brand
you or kill you
as a cat you get branded they used to get branded under their eyes like right
here oh pretty sick just
to make sure yeah check it out just say uh r for like rogue if you were like a
vagabond or a piece
of and then like m for murder like all that damn sucks to get an r for rogue
when uh you know
rapists sure what do they give people rapists by r little a it's like the
periodic table there's like
our little a rapist r rogue but no rogue is sick being a rogue is sick but back
then it wasn't people
hated them sure if you didn't follow the rules you were just because in the
colonies there were like no
rules yeah so dudes would come from europe that were criminals there just all
you had to do back
then was call yourself a different name you could do it in a moment you'd be
like you know i'm tom and then
you go to another town yeah and just counterfeit money there well it's also
they'd have to brand
you there was no there wasn't an internet back then yeah there's no databases
that's what i'm saying
they just have to do something they'd like cut your ear off yeah your personal
horizon ended at your
town and then a guy would come in and be like yo this is new money you're like
they put new money out
you're like new money bro yeah wanted or not and you're like give me that horse
here's a bunch of
new money like well i just ate a bug you know i can't turn down this new money
and he's like why does it look
different he's like don't do the counterfeiting back then the technology they
what did the did they do
he was drawing they had plates there were plates that they could so they
stamped counterfeit yeah
so they would get a money stamp yes and then be like just stamp they could have
made t-shirts
back then they had no idea printing t-shirts they had like a print like a money
dollar bill
that's true that's right they could have just printed tees dude like yo you
just want to wear a shirt
the dollar bill on it like yeah that's bro that's that would have been tight
there's the clothes back
then sucked yeah but uh so these four dudes were trespassing and collecting beaver
pelts sure which
dude beavers used to get beavers are huge are they yeah i didn't know that they
get up to 90 pounds
they're big dogs dude beavers are 90 pounds can get up to 90 pounds at least
back then i'm sure
they've been killed enough now that they're a little you know sure a little skimpy
a little
skimpy they're losing weight it's like the dinosaur days for beavers beavers
were 90 pounds these dudes
and they would trick them as a sad way to kill them i don't know what they do
so they put like a trap
in the water and put like female pheromones on it yeah and when the beaver like
stood up at the top
of the stick to rant there was a clamp or something that drug it under the
water how'd they get the
female beaver pheromones do i even want to know kill the v yeah you cut them
out of them and squeeze
rub it on a stick so you have to like you just surge you'd have to like surgically
like you'd have
to cut their pussies open yeah they'd be like here's well maybe that's how beaver
came out
true i think they took him for a spin they're he bugs dude you don't think they're
taking beave