Name: MSSP 303- Stuck at the track
Uploaded: 2020-06-30T22:33:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP 303- Stuck at the track' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP 303- Stuck at the track' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-30. Transcript available.

MSSP 303- Stuck at the track

Thank you.
This is it.
I don't like live.
We're on?
Oh, hell yeah, baby.
We're actually live, dude.
I love it, dude.
I don't like live.
I'm electrified right now.
I don't like live.
You got half a dump in you, dude.
I got half a dump.
That's probably why I'm so electrified right now.
My body still has extra calories.
Yeah, I tried taking a, I had like a four minute, no, it was about six minutes.
You had a six minute window and you tried to squeeze out a dump.
Dumped in four minutes, pinched it off.
I was like, I think that was what was troubling me from the night before.
Because I had a bad case of, today I've had a bad ass, honestly.
I've had a bad ass all, yeah, just like a, just a fucked up, I had a mechanic
ass all day.
It's the worst.
And then I was like, I took a dump before this.
I'm like, I think this is a dump that's going to solve, bring me back to
baseline.
Another, somehow, a bad ass, another half dump.
So I think I've been taking, like, my dumps have been like the, that one flag
from like
the 1700s with a snake sectioned in like six pieces.
Yeah, yeah, join or die.
I have to join, I've taken join or die.
You need to dump or die.
You're dumping, you need to join.
So I went to wipe and I gave myself a, you know, you just wipe your ass and
just looking
like, you know.
No, you've talked about this before, where the shit smears up your back?
Yeah, and onto the back of the toilet seat.
Why do you wipe, like, the whole way up your body?
Because I just started, I was a dabber.
First, I was doing like a, you know.
You dab?
Well, I was not a dabber.
I was a front wiper for a while.
Apparently, I didn't know that was a big deal.
You were wiping into your sack.
Well, I didn't.
I'd stop at my sack.
Motherfucker.
People are saying it's quiet.
Juice up the gain, dude.
Give them classic Matt and Shane's with the gain up to fucking 19.
Are people happy now?
No.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you, LeMare.
This is a work in progress.
Streams down.
Don't be pussies about it.
But, you, we've discussed, I mean, this is a tale of all this time.
The, you standing to wipe.
True.
I think it's the source of your problems.
No, that was probably.
And you're going wipe forward, straight in the sack.
Wipe forward was the first way.
I'd sit down and just lift sack, and then I'd obviously stop.
Oh, you would physically lift your sack up and wipe under.
Yeah, lift sack, stop at the dragon scale.
So, yeah, I'd go.
Today, I'd lift the sack, and as soon as I got, like, dragging back, I would
stop before
that, because that's like, you know, you don't want to mess that up.
So.
How?
I don't think anyone taught me how to wipe my ass, dude.
No, I guess not.
I told you, one of my earliest memories is in preschool.
I waddled out with my pants down to my preschool teacher and was like, can you
wipe my ass, please?
I don't think I ever really learned.
So, I think my preschool teacher wiped my ass.
I don't remember how I got.
Yeah, you've had some fucked up, like, ass issues your whole life as far as,
like, wipes.
Yeah.
And you had an ass, butt, butt, were we calling it an ass mammy, or did I get
racist to think
of that?
I don't think it's, I think you're allowed to call it, I think you're allowed
to call it.
Oh, no, I think it's a butt queen.
Well, butt queen is someone who, like, fucks your butt with dildos.
Let's not call it that.
No, I think we called it an ass, ass mammy.
I think, I don't, yeah, I don't.
I don't know if that's appropriate.
Well, I think you know too much history, because if you could say mammy to me,
and I'm like,
another word for mommy, perfect.
Yes.
But you'll, yeah, your history knowledge would be like, well, I don't know.
Now's not the climate to call.
You can't say mammy.
Now's not the climate to call your significant other, who is a, your partner,
who happens
to be.
Excuse me, don't call her my partner, yes.
Why?
Not my wife, it's gender.
It's your partner.
Yes, my partner.
Your partner, who is also a person of color?
True.
A mammy?
An ass mammy?
Yeah, I mean, again, I don't know enough history.
That's like, literally being like, oh, my ass slave?
Is that what it is?
Yeah.
What's a mammy like a-
A mammy was like a, I don't know if it was definitely a black lady, but it was
usually
just like a lady who helped, a nanny.
Oh, like a-
Yeah.
Yeah, like an unpaid-
Yes.
Like a lifetime intern nanny?
Yes.
But, yeah, never mind.
We're alive, dude.
I wonder if they ever did that with slaves, be like, look, man, I know this
sucks,
right now, but this is big exposure.
I'm about to plug you.
You're about to get plugged in.
This is-
Yeah, if there was like one plantation over there, I was like, oh, my interns?
Oh, these guys are great.
I'm going to promote them eventually to free human.
Yeah.
That's-
Some of them, yeah, that's how it works for a lot.
How's the sound, dude?
How's the sound?
People are loving the sound.
Thank God.
People are loving it?
People are loving the sound.
Apparently, we just needed the gain all the way up again, which I don't know
how that
works, but I'm mystified.
Yeah, man.
So, I got my ass somewhat in check.
We got the sound somewhat in check.
Yeah, there's none of the worst than a gross ass day, especially, dude, when
you go to
bed.
Tell me about it, dude.
When you have a nasty ass going to bed, it demands a shower.
Exactly, yeah.
Otherwise, because everybody touches their asshole before they go to sleep.
A hundred percent.
Right?
I'll feel-
It happened to me last night.
I was like, that's when my bad ass started, last night.
I tell you, I think I told you this before.
I went to bed, and I was, like, scratching my ass.
Yeah.
I went to sleep, and I was like, what the fuck is that smell?
And I was like, oh, yeah, I shoved my hand up my ass a minute ago.
Did you ever try to ignore it, where you're like, it's cool, I won't mind this
ass, this
shit smell?
I was like, I just won't touch my face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just won't itch my eye before bed, and then a minute later, you're like, wow.
I've done it where I'll be like, I'm just going to scratch the very north
pole of my ass crack, like the tip of your top.
Oh, yeah, trying to stay out?
Yeah, y'all scratch that part, and I'll bring my hand-
Dude, don't get me going.
I'll fold my hand back and be like, I can live with this, and then it's like,
dude,
it's a full shower.
It's like an unexplained shower.
I'm like, I just feel sweaty.
We shouldn't be on the air right now.
Trying to get just the tip of your asshole.
You talking asshole or ass crack?
Asshole.
Yeah, of course.
It's impossible.
Yeah.
You start digging in, dude.
Well, you-
Oh, you're saying-
It's late at night.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
You're saying like you can't-
No, you're getting it.
You're saying like it's like a one-chip challenge, like if you just try to
scratch-
Oh, it's like Pringles.
It's Pringles.
You're like, I'm just going to get the- just north of the asshole.
I'm not going to get in there.
And then you're just laying in bed.
You're like, no one's around, dude.
Yeah, I get a full scratch.
Yeah, when I was little, I used to do a full like over the boxers, like digging
in my asshole
through my box.
That's a good one.
How little?
I still get after that sometimes.
I mean, I'm saying, yeah, that's still in the repertoire.
I'll get after that.
I used to do them like unashamedly.
Now it's like if, you know, someone can throw a decoy for you.
I'd be like, you know, get in front of me and you get behind me and it's
fucking-
You're like Chipotle.
Yeah, my dad's dad died of colon cancer.
So I wonder if he just- I think that's a warning sign, having like a constant
shitty ass.
Definitely.
So and also I started a new thing.
I'm doing intermittent fasting right now.
So my ass is just like, what's this, dude?
Yeah.
So that could be it.
I think so.
Dude, I heard a sick- a great ass story on the way here at a rest stop.
There's a black dude, like a trucker on a headset, kind of like Lemaire's.
And he was- he was pissing next to me, just talking to whoever he was talking
to.
And he was just- he's like, this motherfucking Burger King cook, I watched him
take a shit.
Like this guy literally watched a dude take a shit at Burger King, not wash his
hands,
walk straight behind the Burger King thing.
And then he walked out to order from him and just spazzed.
Hit him with a classic spaz.
He was basically wash your hands?
The trucker was like, that motherfucker needs to go wash his hands in front of
everybody.
And this was a- this was a jacked black dude in like a beater.
He was wearing like a wife beater.
And a headset, dude.
Oh, man.
And just controlling the rest stop.
Went in and was like, dude, I just washed you shit.
That's-
He literally yelled that at the Burger King.
I just watched this guy take a shit.
Oh.
Get him back.
Yeah.
What happened?
He was like, I'm not paying for it.
The dude was just like-
Dude, the dude claimed- the dude did the move that everybody does.
When you get caught not washing your hands.
What'd he say?
I washed them.
Oh, for sure.
Every single time I've walked out of the bathroom and someone's like, did you
wash your hands?
I'm like, yeah.
There's never been a time where I've been honest.
No.
I used to work at Brewster's and I came out of like a hard fucking dump and I
was like handling
someone's ice cream cone and the manager, like an idiot, was like, Matt, do you
wash your
hands?
And I was like, yeah.
Totally fucking did it.
You did.
Totally.
I totally forgot.
Dude, I didn't start washing my hands until after I dumped until well into my
teenage
years.
I honestly was like, I don't know yet.
I know he had to.
I thought it was just for employees.
I'll skip one every once in a while.
I'll skip a go.
I'll skip a, yeah.
Well, it's like, it's like bothers you for 15 seconds.
And after 15 seconds, you're like, man, my hands are, exactly.
You're like, this isn't going to hurt me.
But yeah, so that's, you know, that's a lot of potty talk, by the way.
That's how we start.
That's a lot of potty talk.
But that was, I was almost, if I had more time, I was going to shower before
this.
I was going to hop in Billy's shower, rinse out, and then hop.
Because of your ass.
Yeah, exactly.
I was going to take an ass shower, but you know, you can't.
Yeah, I've taken many an ass shower before bed.
I'm just happy there's guys out.
Like, it's nice to know there's truckers.
But that's the, dude, having a messy ass before bed.
It's just like, because it's like, the rest of you isn't sweaty.
You're like, you know, you're just going to bed.
Everything's comfortable.
And then you reach down for a little scratch.
And it's like.
What?
Yeah.
It feels like a pussy.
Happened last night.
I felt like I was wet.
That's the exact feeling.
I turned to move, and I was like, I want to actually cuddle.
Maybe that's how.
What?
Bays know they like you?
No, maybe that's how you start getting gay.
Like, a gay dude would feel that ass and be like, that probably would feel good.
You're having a wet, wanting ass all the time?
Yeah.
Like, you and me, who are straight as fuck, feel that.
And I'm like, disgusting.
I need to shower.
True.
A gay dude might feel that and be like, that would feel good.
I'm ready.
What?
Thank you.
I was trying to say.
I was trying to.
I was trying to.
You got to.
The chat's going crazy over here.
What?
I was trying to.
They're mad about the flag.
They want to iron the flag.
Yeah.
Fuck off about the flag.
Tell them to shut up about that.
Okay.
It's wrinkled because it's been in battle.
Exactly.
Someone said it's ribbed for our freedom.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Well, first of all.
First of all.
Yeah.
That's, you know, I, I can't have that for.
And second of all, too, it's like, you know, we were suppressed by the
government.
So until we get our due, this flag stays wrinkled.
You know what I mean?
When did we get suppressed?
You know what happened, dude?
They fucking put the kibosh on one of our secret operations.
Oh, that's right.
We did that episode.
Jesus Christ.
I was like afraid of the gover