Name: MSSP 305- Teenis Envy
Uploaded: 2020-07-14T21:35:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP 305- Teenis Envy' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP 305- Teenis Envy' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-14. Transcript available.

MSSP 305- Teenis Envy

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Wow.
Yes.
We're fucking live.
Yes.
We sound good.
Well, Mayor, we should be good to go.
Check the comments.
Let's check the comments.
We should be good to go.
I heard, I heard from a couple of my confidants.
I heard also from a couple of my confidants.
They told me you kind of got to ride these mics a little.
Yeah.
I thought these were like, you know, the ones you could kind of like speak into
like the
general vicinity.
What confidants?
Just one guy said he worked for the radio before.
Nice.
You got to stay up on those mics pretty hard.
What up, bro?
Chilling, man.
What's happening?
Chilling.
Fucking morale's low in this room right now.
Why?
Power rankings came in, dude.
Oh.
I'll say the power rankings.
Oh, the moral combat.
Yeah.
Matt's celebrating a number two in a video game.
I might saw.
I might saw.
Look.
I can't even imagine.
I'm not.
Matt, I can't even bring myself to imagine a world where I would celebrate
being number
two in a video game.
Never did.
Never did.
That would be sick to think of.
I'm not.
I don't like a silver medal.
You got one.
You got a silver medal right now.
I said morale's low.
Morale's fine.
You tried to accuse me of being gloomy about losing to fucking Noah in Mortal
Kombat, and
I don't care at all.
I mean, it was a good battle.
Yeah, it was a good battle.
That double knockout ending.
That was probably the most exciting fight on the entire card.
That was exciting.
On the entire card.
That was probably the most exciting fight.
He jumped the whole fucking time, dude.
I'm going to fuck him up after this.
Well, I'm going to take it out on him in NHL.
That's where.
You think I'm going to take him in NHL?
Get on the ice, dude.
Not in the arena?
No, not in the little kid game.
The button smashing game?
It's not button smashing, dude.
Buttons.
I'm like, I'm analyzing.
I'm watching.
That's just lightning fast combos.
All right.
Call it what you want.
You weren't fast enough.
LaMere was.
Yeah, LaMere was definitely testing certain aspects of my game, but I think I
haven't figured
it out.
Also, again, he's playing as a level boss.
It's like being Goro in the original.
Yeah, LaMere plays as Devorah.
LaMere plays as a girl in a video game, which is.
Perverted.
It is sick.
Matt brought up a very good point that it is.
It's not perverted.
It's the best move.
It's very sick and perverted.
No, it's the best move.
They always win.
The problem is you get a strong heterosexual like me.
I'm checking the girl out the whole.
I can't fight.
It's not a fair fight.
True.
I'm like, I don't want to hurt.
I'm a Christian.
Obviously, I don't want to hit her.
Even if it's a bug lady.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm a Christian.
I'm heterosexual.
I don't want to hit her.
Yeah, I don't know.
You can't.
I never.
I always hated.
If you play as a chick in a game, it goes against me, dude.
It goes against everything in my soul.
True.
Why?
Because it's for girls, dude.
What do you mean?
Like, anybody that plays as, like, you probably play as Peach.
No.
You definitely play as Princess Peach.
Never.
That's why they put.
Guess who I play as.
Who?
Link?
Donkey Kong.
That's it.
Donkey Kong.
Every single time, dude.
That's pretty big.
That's big.
Donkey Kong.
Yeah, man.
I think they put the girl characters in there just for, like, for girls to play
for, like,
five minutes.
It's like your little sister.
It stinks.
Yeah.
You're like, all right, get out of here.
Yeah, although I did have a.
Speaking of Mario Kart, I've been watching Sopranos a lot, and I keep trying to
identify
as Tony.
Yeah?
I keep sliding into more of an AJ character.
Who's AJ?
His pussy fat son.
He tries to, like, kill himself and cries all the time.
How do you try to identify as Tony?
I see Tony do cool things, and I want to do those things.
Yeah?
Like, I'm going to start getting shirts that come down to, like, here.
Like, t-shirts.
I'm going to get a bracelet and a ring.
Dude, that'd be awesome.
Like, every time I see his balding head, I'm like, all right, sick.
Perfect.
I can keep that.
Gold chain?
Yes.
Get it?
You come, your wake-up pattern is pretty similar.
Yeah.
Come down at 10 a.m.
He's kind of tired.
In a robe.
Start talking shit to people.
Grub.
Say, who the fuck ate all this?
But, no.
There was an episode that I just watched where AJ was, like, playing football,
and then he
came back to his house, and he was like, why don't we play Mario Kart?
And Tony was like, how old are you?
When are you going to stop playing these games?
I'm just sitting there, like, yeah, fat.
Yeah, dude, you're like 13.
It's time to stop playing video games.
And I scurried up the steps.
Just run to the fridge and eat a bunch of cold cuts, like, oh.
I'm Tony.
I'm not him.
Yeah.
Also, Tony was pretty racist, which was...
Extremely.
LeMere, how do you feel about that?
Tony who?
Tony Soprano.
In today's climate, when he's saying such...
I didn't watch The Sopranos.
You didn't?
No.
Well, there's a part, yeah, his daughter's dating, like, a black nerd, and he's
like...
And then he sees a box of Uncle Ben's rice, and Ben passes out.
I do hate the black nerd.
Yeah, he's kind of a weasel.
He's a corny dude.
He's a weasel, yeah.
Yeah, again, I swear to God, black people give Italians a pass, because they're
like,
well, the mob's cool, so you guys can be racist.
That's been my experience.
Like, well, the mob's cool, so...
And Italians have some melanin, as the great Dr. Nick Cannon would say.
True, true.
Those with...
The closer you are...
The more melanin you have, the more human you are.
True.
Us whites.
Neanderthals.
Us very pale pink boys.
Neanderthals, dude.
We're pretty much the closest thing to animals, as Nick Cannon would say.
On his new podcast.
On a podcast.
What's his new podcast?
Uh, it's so funny.
It's a bunch of, like, fists behind him, and he's just like, listen, as the
great Dr.
Farrakhan said.
Yeah.
Yo, you know what was really interesting?
Now that I'm on this fucking race kick.
Yeah.
It was really fun to see the way all the analysts on ESPN handled Deshaun
Jackson quoting Hitler,
versus the way they treated Drew Brees, who was like, I don't know, I think you
should stand
during the anthem.
It's fucking crazy.
Yeah, what was the, how did they play out, Deshaun Jackson?
Were they, were they like-
Every analyst was like, yo, I talked to Deesh.
He, you know, he was trying to lift people up.
So, he just, he just worded it wrong.
He was just trying to lift people up.
It's like, dude, he quoted-
It's like, check his bibliography, bro.
He quoted Hitler.
Well, if you don't, yeah, I guess you gotta quote Hitler, right?
Or he should have been like, guys, I know, I think-
And he, he actually misquoted Hitler.
What'd he say?
He attributed a quote to Hitler that wasn't even Hitler.
So, everybody was using-
Yeah, I mean, he literally posted a paragraph that said, Hitler said, it just
turned out
it was wrong.
So, people were like, it wasn't actually Hitler.
That's not true.
Who was he?
I don't know.
It was weird.
He thought he was quoting Hitler.
He tried to quote Hitler.
In a good way.
Yeah, he tried to be like, Hitler was right that the Jews are trying to extort
America.
But it wasn't.
And he posted that online.
Yeah, the quote, I've seen the quote itself was about, I think, like, one of
the prime
ministers of Israel saying, we're going to, like, bleed America dry and just
toss it to
the side when we're done with it or something.
And he was like, it's probably Hitler.
Hitler said that.
Yeah, that sounds like, that sounds like the big man.
Yeah.
But it is, it is really fun to go back and watch, watch how they handled Drew Brees
being
like, I like the flag.
He's like, I like America.
And they were like, piece of shit, get him out of the league.
It's time to retire.
Deshaun Jackson was like, yo, Hitler had some decent points.
And they were like, my man's just misunderstood right now.
It's like, damn.
All right, ESPN.
Well, Nick Cannon has lupus.
You know that, right?
What?
Nick Cannon has lupus.
All right.
I'll give him a pass.
I did a little research.
And Nick, weirdly enough, last week, I did research into Nick Cannon.
Yeah, he has lupus and he drinks two gallons of water a day.
So he's doing his podcast on like two G's of water, dude.
Probably like having to piss every like five minutes.
He's like, yeah, you got to see the thing about the white man.
He's like, let's take a break real quick.
Let's take a fucking two gallons of water to combat lupus.
He, I believe, I could be wrong.
I think during the SNL thing, Wild and Out reached out and offered me a spot on
Wild and Out.
You should have taken it.
So Nick Cannon is kind of the man.
He rules, dude.
To see me going down in flames.
He might have roasted you and battled you.
Join Wild and Out.
And I said, no.
You should have joined Wild and Out.
Even in my darkest hour, I was like, dude, I can't do Wild and Out.
Dude, you would have crushed on Wild and Out.
No way.
If you got on there and started rapping, dude, that would have been the best.
Fuck me.
It'd be so, like, people were like, yo, if you do SNL, you're a sellout.
Do you know how big of a sellout I'd be if I did Wild and Out?
No such thing, dude.
If you do Wild and Out.
Have you ever seen Gary Owen on Wild and Out?
Yeah, dude.
You could have been.
You could have.
He's like a 48-year-old white dude.
Anyway, the Nick Cannon stuff just.
Yeah, man.
I mean, dude, he's on fire this year.
He's been fired up.
He flushed Eminem.
Basically, Eminem left the battle because there's too much.
The Cannon was bringing too much heat.
True.
Then he started a Black Racist podcast, which is a power move.
Sick.
Which, technically, we are allied with.
Yes.
We are allies of black conservatives.
Big time.
And we agree with almost everything they say.
Yeah.
Except when it comes to the fact that you and me are subhuman.
But other than that, it's crazy.
I'll give him that.
Yeah, I know.
Dude, I'll fully own my Neanderthal blood, dude.
It is true.
Like, when he's saying shit like that, I do have to analyze how I behave.
Yeah, or it would be like, I am coming from a place of abundance because of the
ice age 15,000 years ago.
Yeah.
It's now cops are racist.
It's sent us into the college.
Well, dude, Brett Weinstein just had a roundtable discussion with, like, not
all, but primarily black, like, black conservative intellectuals from, like,
colleges.
It was sick, but there was a couple, you know, there's a couple people who were
more, like, left center or whatever.
Yeah.
But he, it was funny because he had this podcast where it's just him and
nothing but, like, black intellectuals.
And he's like, all right, guys, something weird about this.
Let's talk race.
It's like, dude, you can't throw, like, two other white people in there to not
make it look, like, completely bizarre.
But it was funny, man.
He was like.
Good for them booking it, like, a fucking two-ray show.
Yeah.
I guess he had to come out and be like, what's up, white people?
I'm just playing.
Yo.
Yeah, he was, he, Weinstein was at Warm Daddies.
He was.
He was down at Warm Daddies.
But he, he, it was like if he built Warm Daddies and then hosted Warm Daddies,
it'd be like, what the fuck are you doing?
True.
And then he, you know, he started talking, like, there was one, one point he
was saying something like, you know, like, we can't, it was something about,
like, making excuses for people who are, he was basically saying, like, crime
is just from deprivation and it's a, you know, normal response.
And then someone, he kept alluding to the fact that people were, it's like the
real problem here, it's not racial.
It's, he's like, there is a racial problem, but the real problem is the fact
that there is people who are hoarding opportunity.
He was saying rent seekers.
So Weinstein was like, he was like, there's rent seekers, which I, I still want
to figure out what the fuck that is.
I, I just thought that was like, l