Name: MSSP 306- Spuddoula
Uploaded: 2020-07-21T21:31:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP 306- Spuddoula' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP 306- Spuddoula' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-21. Transcript available.

MSSP 306- Spuddoula

How the hell are you, Shane?
I'm fucking ticked.
You don't like proud about that.
I'm mad, dude.
Just lost in NHL.
Well, it was the first time I lost.
Yeah, but think about all the times you won.
That's not what a champion does, bro.
True.
I stick to my theory because I've seen you just be dominant in video games
every time I've seen you play.
I think one of your ancestors actually did something on these grounds.
I think there's a Gillis curse that only as soon as you walk in here.
How dare you.
No, don't bring my ancestors because your ancestors were scum.
They weren't scum.
They were hardworking people.
They killed children in the Schuylkill.
It was an accident, dude.
They killed the children in the Schuylkill.
It was an accident.
A kid slipped.
Look, I outshot Noah the intern 36 to 18.
Time on attack 10 to 4 minutes.
Face-off's like 30 to 3.
And he won 4 to fucking 2.
You know what they don't count?
Grit.
That's what they don't count in that thing.
Shut the fuck up, man.
Noah's an evil hippie.
Officially an evil hippie.
He spent the week camping and then immediately scored a goal in NHL and was
like, fucking suck a dick.
Absolute evil hippie.
Spends a week in nature.
Fucks in a tent for a week.
And then immediately he talks shit during a video game.
Noah's tea might be too high.
True.
From the woods.
From the woods.
And his Native American heritage.
Damn, dude.
He saw a big pale face sitting on a couch.
We got fucking scalped, bro.
He fucking night-wolfed you, dude.
He did.
Fuck.
Noah, how did that feel being in nature?
Did you, like, notice anything?
I felt very water.
Why don't you get one with the soundboard?
Figure that out.
Oh, fuck.
We're having fun.
I'll be all right.
I apologize, LaMare.
I think I might have microaggressed him.
Why?
You PA'd LaMare?
I thought I think I microaggressed him.
I didn't realize.
I brought a culturally significant food choice.
Oh, yeah.
I noticed.
He didn't realize.
I thought that was.
His plate was on touch downstairs.
He didn't know it was for him.
And I thought LaMare thought I was microaggressing him.
I was like, I'm not eating this fucking bullshit, this fucking asshole.
Wow.
It's still just sitting down there, LaMare.
What food did you get that would be a microaggress?
I brought a rotisserie chicken.
Classic.
And I was going to get pineapple.
And then I saw sliced watermelon.
And then you remembered.
Perfect.
And then you remembered.
Nah, dude.
That's what happened.
He was at Whole Foods about to buy pineapple.
You think it was implicit bias?
I think, yeah.
You were just like, oh, yeah, LaMare's coming.
Which, I don't like that stuff.
I don't know how.
That's such a bum rap.
In terms of a food combo.
It's crazy.
I mean, you just ate it.
How good was it?
It's the best.
It's better than chicken and pineapple.
Yeah.
Pineapple's a little acidic, although that kind of might help with digestion.
No, I've said it a thousand times.
Every negative stereotype against black people is, I have it.
Yeah.
Literally, I cannot be like, oh, man, I can't believe they're, what, sleeping
in?
It's like, they love fried chicken?
Yeah.
What can I knock them for?
True.
How dare I?
Yeah, it is kind of, just attacking food is a bum move.
It's like, oh, eat rice.
I'm like, I eat like, I go through like five pounds of rice a fucking week.
Twitter hits us honkies with like unseasoned food.
Unseasoned food.
I don't like that.
That's kind of the key to good health, though.
Everything can't be delicious.
If every meal you're eating is delicious, you're going to die.
True.
You can't have a delicious meal every meal.
I need to write that down.
You don't like it.
You don't like it.
Exclusively.
You know what I have for breakfast?
What?
Cocoa Pebbles.
That's delicious?
Delicious.
That was the first time I had Cocoa Pebbles in years.
How many bowls do you have?
Two.
Two.
There's no way you can't eat.
Responsible.
That's actually pretty responsible.
Two is responsible.
I wonder what the Cocoa Puff blood limit is if you're driving.
Like, have you eaten a boxer?
You're like, I just had a couple bowls.
Dude, if it's like a remotely.
Choco meters all the way up.
Oh, it was funny.
My sister came out.
She came out of her room.
Slam and Sarah?
Slam and Sarah.
Sarah Sosa came out of her room to try to tell me not to eat.
First off, she yelled not to eat the cheesecake.
There was like an Entenmann's, like one of those things.
Oh, fuck.
So I immediately went for that.
Did you know that cheesecake existed?
Didn't know.
As soon as she said don't eat it.
Fail on her part.
I went right for it.
How much did you have?
Just a corner.
I spared her because she was actually like, don't eat that.
Yeah.
And then I opened the cupboard for some cereal in the morning and found two
boxes of
Cocoa Pebbles hidden behind the life.
She hid them behind the life cereal.
Plain life or cinnamon life?
Just plain life.
An opened, like probably expired box of life cereal.
No doubt.
Hid two unopened Cocoa Pebbles.
And then I found them and I was like, oh, what's this?
And she's like, don't fucking touch them.
And I was like, yabba-dabba-doo.
She kept yelling yabba-dabba-doo at her.
So, yeah.
Slam and Sarah is probably.
That's the morning.
That was this morning.
What time did the cheesecake incident occur?
Right at breakfast.
There was, it was like the Entenmann's.
You ate cheesecake and Cocoa Pebbles for breakfast?
No, it's like a breakfast, what's that thing called?
Breakfast cheesecake?
Is it a cheesecake?
The Danish?
Yeah.
It's a breakfast food.
Dessert.
But no, it wasn't.
You had double dessert for breakfast.
No, I didn't.
I didn't munch.
I didn't munch the appropriate amount of the Danish.
How much you have?
Like literally like a.
So this was a cheesecake Danish?
A bite of it.
And then she was like really adamant not to eat it.
So I was like, all right, I won't.
Just a teeny little silver.
And then I stumbled upon the Pebbles.
And sent her back to her room.
And.
What'd you eat after that?
Just the Pebs.
And then I got here.
So you're running on.
I'm running on Cocoa Pebbles and Tiss.
Now you got the Tiss.
And now I got the loss in NHL fueling me off.
I get pissed.
But yeah, it was funny because I was like.
Also, she helped me stay at two bowls because she immediately started.
She went to the bathroom and got sick because she's doing chemo.
Yeah.
So like while I was yelling yabba-dabba-doo at her and taunting her to eat her
cereal.
She like went and started throwing up.
I was like, I feel horrible.
And I was like, Jesus.
So then you pour your sugar.
I got it.
I got it.
I'm going to have two bowls.
I was like, all right, only two.
All right, two and a half.
I will say two and a half because I added the little extra.
Pre-existing milk.
A little add-on, yeah.
What's going on here with the.
Nothing.
You guys are good.
Cool.
Damn, dude.
That's fucking wild.
Big morning.
So that's wild to me that you were able to eat that breakfast and then just
drive here.
No headache.
No like.
I would feel like.
Two bowls of Cocoa Pebbles?
If I eat like sugar for breakfast and try to do anything, I feel like hollow.
I just feel like.
Well, it's not like I was doing anything physical.
True.
If I had to do something physical, yeah, that wouldn't have helped.
But no.
What are you talking about?
Cocoa Pebbles are part of a very balanced breakfast.
Candy, dude.
True.
It's not candy.
If you were to have.
Well, they show Cocoa Pebbles with like a picture of a grapefruit, two eggs.
And they're like part of a balanced breakfast.
It's like, yeah, well, if you have all the other shit.
You eat a banana.
And you ignore the rest of the Cocoa Pebbles.
Yeah.
That's good.
That's good, man.
That's a good way to start today.
I actually didn't really.
I had a.
I'm on to talk, dude.
I had my own problems this morning.
So I was on, I wasn't going to eat, like I knew I was having diarrhea.
So I don't mean to start every podcast disgustingly.
But I had, I had a gluten-free deep dish when I was in Chicago all weekend.
Yeah, great.
Dude, gluten-free deep dish with, and dude, I don't eat cheese either, bro.
People don't know this about me.
This is a dark, this is my dark side.
All my food allergies I try not to tell everyone about.
Matt made up food allergies a while ago and he sticks to them.
Obviously didn't, dude.
It's very serious.
Matt believes he has a gluten out.
All the immune is real.
Remember when gluten allergies were all the rage?
Matt caught it then.
Yeah, right, dude.
Not even.
I was, my mom caught him in the 70s, dude.
Imagine that.
Talked to my mom then, dude.
Damn, she caught it in the 70s?
People were like, you are full of shit for like 40 years.
Oh my God.
About 40 years, they're like, you're a fucking psycho.
Then it comes out, it's real.
And they're like, my whole family's like, I still think it's bullshit.
Oh, damn.
Damn.
So like, she didn't know what it was.
She was just like, every time I eat bread, I feel like shit.
And she read this weird, like, alternative health book.
Someone, I think my aunt Bea's a nurse, so she hooked her up with this book.
Like, hey, there's some shit I read about.
Damn.
So it was like, my mom was like, I'll try it.
And your family is unforgiving.
Relentless, dude.
Yeah.
But yeah, so they just thought she was weird.
But she's a girl, too.
So that's like kind of.
That helps.
As a dude, it's tough, dude.
Literally, it's just people are like, it's in your fucking head, bro.
And you're like, all right, whatever.
Yeah, just don't worry about it.
Yeah, and it's like.
You don't worry about it.
I'll eat it.
Yeah, exactly.
Don't worry about it.
It's in your head.
I'm perfectly content.
But the.
So I get it.
It's really sweet, dude.
My bae looked up all the Giordano's in Chicago.
One does gluten-free deep dish.
We head there before the flight.
It was kind of selfish, in my opinion.
Yeah.
To eat a bunch of cheese as a person who doesn't really eat cheese either.
And then hop on a flight.
Damn.
Dude, it was just the whole way backwards.
The masks, actually, I will say, they kind of filter out farts pretty
effectively.
I'm not going to lie.
Damn, that's true.
The masks and the noise of the plane.
The plane has become the perfect fart.
True.
The noise on a plane wasn't even an issue.
But I also was listening to headphones, so I could have been slipping.
I don't know.
And, dude, have you flown recently?
Not since February.
Dude, it is awesome.
Flying is the best thing in the world.
There's nobody in security.
No one sits anywhere near you on a plane.
It's basically.
You hear that, ISIS?
It's first class.
Yeah, exactly.
True.
Dude, they can definitely.
They'll be like, yeah, sure.
They'll look at their visa.
Where are you going?
They'll be like, to destroy Western democracy.
You're like, yeah, here.
You haven't been to China lately, have you?
No.
But, dude, long story short, I ate the whole fucking deep dish.
I ate most of it, and I was made.
How big of a deep dish are we talking?
I mean, it's kind of racist, but they only do small for gluten-freeze.
Oh, okay.
It's kind of fucked up.
Wait, where's this going?
So, they only do like a personal size.
But, dude, for a deep dish, it's actually perfect.
Yeah.
Like, if you eat the whole thing, you will feel disgustingly full, which is
what you're going
for with pizza.
So, I ate it.
I saved two slices, ate them in the airport.
Dude, this morning, I was walking my dogs.
Full code run.
I usually go all the way around the Eastern State Penitentiary.
Yeah.
I made it to the Eastern State Penitentiary, which is like a four-block
dedicated move.
As soon as you can't turn back, you got to go all the way around that.
Yeah.
I'm talking to the phone on Spud.
I'm like, oh, my God.
Spud, I have to fucking shit, bro.
He's like, dude, I've been here before.
Yeah, I was going to say, Spud's probably, honestly, the worst guy to have on
the phone
there.
It was perfect.
His advice would be, like, go to a bush and shit.
Oh, that's the thing.
His advice immediately.
I was like, damn, dude, I