Name: Ep 309- Homosapiens
Uploaded: 2020-08-12T02:02:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 309- Homosapiens' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 309- Homosapiens' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-12. Transcript available.

Ep 309- Homosapiens

Fucking up, dude.
We're in.
Wow.
Episode 309, 30-whatever, doesn't even matter.
Damn, your eye is fucked up.
I got peppermint on my fucking eye, dude.
You got Lena Duncombs on the brain, dude.
Fucking LaMare's leaving us for Lena Duncombs, dude.
LaMare is a Lena Duncombs writer.
It's just like, I wrote a brunch scene.
Fucking Lena Duncombs must have loved it, dude.
Dude, I can't believe Lena Duncombs is your boss, dude.
Lena Duncombs.
Oh, man.
Damn, dude.
Is that your sponsor now?
That peppermint's sitting there, leaving it out.
Let the people see it.
Damn, you got peppermint.
Matt brought, like, peppermint smelling salt.
Well, yes, peppermint oil.
Does that come with your fucking crystals?
You start giving you oils and crystals?
So here's what happened, actually.
Wait till you get into astrology, dude.
I've been into astrology, dude.
Astrology.
What's wrong with you, dude?
You got Duncombs on the brain.
I have peppermint oil in my eyes, dude.
It burns.
So I started reading the book, Breathe.
You know the guy who was on Rogie's podcast?
My eyes are going to be like, I'm going to have Cyclops Eye the whole podcast.
So the guy, Breathe, who was on Rogie's podcast?
Yeah.
I started reading his audio book.
You're all about breathing?
Life-changing, dude.
You got to clear up the nasal passages.
Not just nose breathing, specifically.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How's your nose breathing?
So I have a new, how's your, what's that deviated at?
Deviated is rough, dude.
You hear this airflow?
That's probably about, I probably got 70% blockage right there.
I was at 80.
So my new quest right now is I'm going to cure my deviated septum without a
septoplasty.
How?
Just sniffing oils?
Well, it's a couple things.
I'm going to do just, yeah, this helps.
This helps me just do nose breathing.
It's on the front of my nose right now.
It kind of burns, dude.
This shit sucks.
No, it's good for you, dude.
You got to deviate it.
Dude, are you nose breathing all the time, all day, every day?
No.
Rarely.
Good luck.
Rarely, yeah.
I've been like about.
I'm a big fat mouth breather, dude.
I've been four or five days straight, dude.
It's just disease.
You should know from researching the Native Americans.
That was the Native American secret.
They were nose breathers.
Yeah, they did well against disease.
Well, they didn't have it until a bunch of mouth breathers came in and fouled
up the
whole scene.
Yeah.
But yeah, dude, they.
And they got chlamydia.
Chlamydia ran through them, dude.
Can't blame them.
Happens to the best.
True.
Happens to the best and most noble.
But no, that's the.
That's how I'm going to get on Gaia.
I'm going to cure my.
I'm going to cure my deviated septum.
You got to be fired up on Native Americans, dude.
You should have mentioned it.
I forgot about Native Americans.
I am like a fucking love on the spectrum date.
I'm on dates like.
Have you heard of the Comanche?
Did you know they were bad?
That show I've decided is the.
You know that French dish where you have to like put a napkin over your head?
Yeah, the bird.
While you just kind of like eat a bird.
You have to hide from God.
That's that French dish of TV.
You and Phil watched it.
I showed it to Phil.
Dude, I used to have to.
I put a towel over my head and I just watch it on my.
I pretend I'm just like laundry on my couch.
I'm like.
Yeah, Phil watched it and was like.
Oh, well, that's how they show somebody that.
Oh, that's the thing.
I go.
I watch that show and I go back and forth between being like, that's the
funniest thing I've ever
seen.
Like wanting to cry.
Then they interview their dad.
Their dad's like.
Come a long way.
And I'm like.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a sad one.
And then they like just say something ridiculous on a date.
He's like, I'm waiting patiently.
And you're like.
Did you see that?
Was that?
Yeah.
The kid on the.
Oh, that was my.
I've been.
The hibachi.
Yeah.
The hibachi.
And she busts out the Nintendo GameCube.
Yeah.
And she was like, I hate waiting.
And he was like.
I'm waiting patiently.
It was like.
Yeah.
Dude, that was.
I was in the shower just saying that to myself.
I don't know what made me laugh about that.
He got up and did a fucking testimonial like during the date.
He got up and walked over to a camera.
I was just like.
Well, she doesn't like anime.
This thing's not going great.
She was like, I like anime.
Just directly in front of her.
Dude, that.
This fucking arm.
I'm telling you, man.
Sorry that arm's acting.
Ah, it bothers me.
Dude, so I've been just breathing through my nose at nighttime.
In order to do it, you got to put tape on your mouth.
Dude, I woke up.
They say the first couple nights.
So you're taking like edgy comic headshots at night.
Like putting like tape over your mouth.
Like caution, dude.
Who knows what's coming out?
I could say anything.
Neuders.
Turns out that was the bad one.
First couple nights, you're scary.
You wake up and you're like.
Because my, you know, it gets blocked up at nighttime.
And you just wake up and you're just like.
Just pop it.
Dude, I'm getting.
I've made it longer every night.
I'm telling you, I'm going to cure.
I already went to a.
What the fuck's it called?
An otolarynthologist.
Something like an ear, nose and throat guy.
Yeah.
They told me I was in an 80% blockage.
You hear me right now.
I don't sound like I'm at 80%.
You sound great.
I sound like I'm at maybe 65.
Yeah.
Maybe 70.
Great.
That's air coming in.
I used to not be able to get air.
So far, I think I've given myself 15% less.
I think I've reduced the blockage.
Just from peppermint.
From peppermint.
From strictly nose breathing.
Because, dude, if you're nose breathing all day, every day, like water will erode
like rocks.
So if you're just bringing in like little water particles all day, every day,
it'll push that little sucker back.
Who told you that?
Because that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
No, dude.
I breathe nose all day long.
You think moisture air molecules are going to erode your nose?
If you just nose breathe, it rearranges your whole facial structure.
So I'm telling you, I'm going to get myself down, I think, to like 50%
obstruction.
Have the ear, nose, and throat guy put it on the record.
And then I'll be like, all right, go ahead with the rest of the rhinoplasty and
knock that thing.
Yeah, you want to do it yourself.
I mean, I could do it myself.
But at this point, it's like I'll get to 50 just to get on Gaia.
Then once I get on Gaia, I'll be like, yo, Joe Dispenza, what's up, bro?
So you're going to go on Gaia to talk to – you think you need your nose
reconstructed to get on Gaia?
You need a miracle.
Yeah, you need to have like a miracle under your belt.
Before you write your book, like heal yourself with your brain.
The one guy actually like became paraplegic and he can walk again.
But if I kind of edge in on the deviated septum market and it was just like –
What did he get paraplegic from?
I think he just got whacked by a car.
Like he was like fucked up.
Dude, there was a player from Penn State who got paralyzed against Ohio State.
And then they were like, he'll never walk again.
And then he ran the team out of the tunnel the next season or like two seasons.
But they played Miami that day and just got beat by like 50.
So they had this like real inspirational moment of him running out.
And then the U just fucked him up.
Fun times.
At least he still could play.
He couldn't.
He couldn't play.
He sucked.
He could barely – no, he couldn't walk.
Oh, so he kind of like –
He like – he hobbled out.
He hobbled out.
I thought he like played and got smashed.
No, no, no.
Give him a fucking break, dude.
He just got –
He did.
He used to play.
He was pretty good.
So he did.
He just like rooted.
He came in with his head down against Ohio State.
And then he rooted – yeah.
And then he led the team.
More radio-esque.
More of a radio.
Gotcha.
Because Rudy could play.
True.
So they were like, we'll get up by like 40 and then put him in at the end.
And like everyone will hoist him on their shoulders.
No, no, no.
There was no even – no, no, no.
There was no – he didn't play again.
He led the team out the next season.
So he walked, though.
Just jogging out.
Yeah, I hear what you're saying.
He wasn't in pads.
So it was a miracle.
It was a miracle, but then they got fucking smoked.
Then they got crushed.
So it kind of ruined the –
Yeah.
Especially because then you re-watch it and he like hobbles out, fucked up.
Yeah.
Then they just get smoked.
Anyway.
Yeah, that's kind of fucked up on his teammates to lose that one for him.
Yeah.
I would have fought extra hard.
You have to fight extra hard.
I would have dug it out, dude.
If you got fucking hobbled up, I'd be podcasting my ass off, dude.
Just to fuck him.
If you Hawkins'd out and I had to do this whole thing, I would never lose, dude.
He's dead, right?
Black people are lazy.
Man.
But yeah, there's sick Native American facts.
Now you got me fired up.
What'd you get fired up?
Also, common misconception that they had cool names.
Don't take that from me.
Bro.
You know, they do have some cool names like Crazy Horse, shit like that.
There was also guys like Peanuts and Stink and Erection That Never Goes Down.
That's actually pretty cool.
There's one lady, this white lady had, she got taken and then she had two,
three kids
and their names were like, their names were Stink and Peanut.
They were like, here's my awesome warrior, Stink and his brother, Peanuts.
It makes sense though.
They would have like white trash nicknames.
Yeah.
Because, you know.
They basically, you got like Rucker Park named.
Did you really?
You know what I mean?
Like, so they would just give you a name.
You'd do something wild and they'd just name you.
Like, some lady got abducted and then had diarrhea the whole way because they
fed her
like buffalo, like raw, they gave her like a buffalo's like heart to eat, to munch
on
during the journey and she just diarrhea'd the whole way.
So her name was like Diarrhea.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
I don't think they were working with like a robust vocabulary either.
No.
So it was, it was just like Crazy Horse, Stink, Fart, Boner.
It was just like, it was like being Irish and being like John, Luke, Matthew.
For real, yeah.
It was like five names.
It was just five names.
It was Stink, Boner, Diarrhea, and then you were the chief and you're like, all
right,
I call.
Change my name.
Super Crazy Man Horse.
I'm Thundercat.
Fuck yes.
Sidney read that book.
Sidney was talking.
Really?
He was like all over that, dude.
Book rules.
Yeah, he was saying, he's like, you got to do it.
And it's like, I will after I fucking heal myself through breathing.
Dude, this book is, it's awesome, man.
Breathe.
Breathe.
I can't recommend it enough.
They, uh, so apparently the inside of your nose is made out of dicks.
It's the same type of skin as your dick.
So it expands, it contracts.
Like when you're aroused, that's why women's typically, their nose, their nasal,
their nostrils
flare.
If they get it, if a woman gets like kind of turned on, her nose goes, exactly.
Dude, stop, dude.
Fucking dude.
You're going to get a boner if you keep doing that.
It's made out of, it's literally made out of dick skin.
So your nose like contracts and expands with your arousal.
Isn't your nose made out of cartilage?
I'm talking about the inner, the inner stuff.
It's just dick skin.
It's the same type of material as this.
What are your eyelids made out of?
That feels like dick skin.
You know what I mean?
It's ball sack.
It's all ball sack.
I'm here.
Eyelids are all ball sack, dude.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah, dude, I'm going for it.
I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to get rechecked out because I know I got
80%.
I'll probably, again, I'll probably clock in around 70.
I also, every now and again, I put my finger up my nose.
Before the podcast, Matt was like, this is going to be the best episode ever.
It is.
He just hits me with rhinoplasty.
Dude, I'm telling you.
He's like, yo, I got this.
Dude.
That's a fucking miracle.
