Name: ep 312- Fat Attack
Uploaded: 2020-09-02T16:10:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 312- Fat Attack' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 312- Fat Attack' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-02. Transcript available.

ep 312- Fat Attack

How the hell are you, Shane? How you doing, man? How you doing, bro?
I'm doing alright, man. It's good to see you.
Was this episode 312?
I needed to see you. I needed my rock.
It's wild, man.
I've been out. You were gone. I could feel it. I was drifting at sea.
Yeah, where were you?
I've been Mr. Cool, bro.
Where would you be exactly? I was calling you.
I've been too cool. I've been too cool to answer.
Yeah, I noticed.
I've been too... I just need to chill.
What have you been up to?
My wicked ways.
You went back up to the devil.
Went to the Big Apple and immediately fell into sin.
And the first night I was there, I dosed my good friend, Jason.
So how integral were you to this plot?
I was 30% guilty.
Gotcha.
Of the... Yeah.
Out of three people, I was 30%.
Well, with a dose, usually somebody provides the dose.
Lewis brought the dose to the table.
Gotcha.
So he's culpable for that.
Gotcha.
Tried to dose Ari.
Ari deflected the dose and gave it to Jay.
How did Ari know he was getting the dose?
I told Ari.
Oh, okay.
I said, Lewis is trying to dose you.
Did Lewis tell you?
Yeah, Lewis did it directly in front of me.
And was like, don't tell Ari.
And I was like, okay, I won't.
I immediately walked inside and told Ari.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But my plan would have been to have dosed Lewis.
Sure.
Or no one.
True.
In hindsight, no one.
But at the time, yeah.
It was rumpus time.
At the time, it's rumpus time.
It was rumpus time.
Beers are going around.
Beers are going around.
How much did he have on him?
Like a little vial, like a little liquid?
I don't know.
I only saw somebody.
It was a tab.
He handed it to him.
Oh.
Put it in a beer.
And let it kind of.
Yeah.
I thought he had like a vial of liquid LSD.
It was funny.
Damn.
I stand by that.
It was funny.
The episode was funny.
But, you know, then you feel bad.
Once your friend's bummed, you're like, oh, man.
Maybe that was.
And then every single person I told was like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
I was like, I thought I wouldn't care.
I was like, I wouldn't care.
And everybody I told was like, that's like really fucked up, man.
That would be like a real problem.
Yeah.
Well, if you put someone in a nego prison.
Yeah.
You know, that's like, that's pretty tough.
But even that, even if you get out of the nego prison, then it's funny.
Yeah.
Once you're out of a nego prison, it's like, damn, dude, I was fucked up.
How long was he in a nego prison for?
I think Jay was in.
We were all.
I was in a nego prison.
I felt so bad, dude.
Which was funny because like the day after, I was like, hilarious.
This was so funny.
And then I started telling people and they were like, what the fuck's wrong
with you?
Yeah, man.
And I was like, all right, maybe I'm an idiot.
Ari was my rock there.
He was like, no.
Ari was like, it was funny.
And I was like, yeah, yeah.
I agree.
It was.
Yeah, dosing people and getting dogs high or like a similar camp.
People are like, no, it's legitimately funny to get a dog high.
People are like, no, it's really fucked up.
Yeah.
Well, what happened was I did Metzger's podcast and I like brought it up
thinking it'd be funny.
I was like, yeah, well, Jay got dosed.
And he was like, why would you ever do that?
Who did that?
And I was like, mostly Ari.
I was like, look, man, it wasn't me.
Just instantly backpedaled.
Well, what was he?
I don't understand.
So you just knew what was going on.
You were just culpable.
I was like, why don't you fucking drink up?
I was like, you and me should chug.
Stuff like that.
You chugged it along with him.
I did drink it after with him.
Wait, so he took a sip and then you're like, how come?
He took a good sip and then I drank, I would argue I drank more of it than him,
but you
know.
Yeah.
It was voluntary.
True.
So it's not as tough.
Anyway.
Dude, it's also just.
It just put me in a sad like, damn, dude.
Why did I do that?
Is this what I'm doing now?
Like, man, I was close to like some pretty serious success.
Now I'm just dosing my friends with acid and feeling guilty for like a week.
Yeah.
You don't have enough evil.
You don't have enough evil hippie in you to do that.
I don't.
Ari, Ari might be the king evil hippie.
I think so, dude.
He actually might be the king evil.
He deflected.
If people are trying.
First of all, if people are trying to dose you, you do have, you have way too
much proximity
to evil hippiedom.
Yeah.
Because that's like, that's their only threat.
If you deal with like rogue hippies, they constantly threaten each other by
giving each
other mega doses of acid because most of them are kind of pussies.
Yeah.
So they won't like fight each other.
I've dealt with people like this for a long time and they won't ever like
threaten violence,
but they'll, they'll be like, I'll give you like 2000 hits.
I'll kill you.
I'll, I'll drive you insane.
Yeah.
It's weird.
And they like threaten each other with that.
But the only thing that cures that is like, or the only thing against that is
like, yeah,
I don't go to like Grateful Dead cover band shows.
And they're like, fuck.
Yeah.
We'll never get him.
Inconceivable.
How are we going to get him then?
Yeah.
They would all talk about that.
And I'm like, dude, unless you can get into my house.
I was living in New Jersey at the time.
I'm like, I'll.
You're getting threat.
I don't hang out with you guys.
No, they were like back in my evil, evil hippie day.
My own evil hippie.
You had a bit of an evil hippie day.
I just was around them.
I wasn't an evil hippie.
I was just, you know, just midi man doing all that stuff.
It was like me.
You were like me now.
I'm amongst some evil hippies.
You have to be.
They, they, they cluster dude in some places.
They, they somehow rise up.
I mean, dude, when they're harnessing that.
Ari, Ari being an evil hippie is.
He is.
Nobody wants to accept they're an evil hippie.
No, everybody.
Yo.
People get so.
Christian.
We call this one dude from helium an evil hippie.
Every time I see him.
Every single time I see him for like three years, he's been like, I'm not an
evil hippie
man.
And then he, then he says some crazy evil hippie shit.
I'm like, he's like polyamory is all right.
I'm like, yeah, you're an evil hippie dude.
Yeah.
Like your version of polyamory.
It was like bully your girlfriend.
I didn't say that.
I'm not saying he'll do that.
Not him.
Not different evil hippie, different evil hippie.
Yeah.
But that's, that's the evil hippie.
That's him.
Yeah.
I'm like, come on, man.
Don't be so fucking.
Like we should like open things up or I'm going to leave.
Yeah.
Classic evil hippie.
Got to watch him, man.
I'm telling you, I was, I was in the belly of the beast for a while.
And I remember, you know, this is all for entertainment purposes, but long,
long time ago, 10 years
ago, I remember I was giving this guy a quarter pound of weed and him and his
friend were
splitting it.
Dude, they were like this.
Yeah.
And I watched him chintz his friend out of 50 bucks.
It was one of those things where he was like, the guy was like, how much was
this?
And the guy was like 900 bucks.
And it was like eight.
And I remember looking at him like, damn, that's your boy, dude.
Evil hippie dumb.
And then that is evil.
They'll just like lie, steal and kill, dude, just so they can follow some
shitty band around
all summer.
They'll fuck people over.
They'll sell you like shitty fake weed.
They'll just fuck people over constantly and then go sit at a music festival
and be like,
yeah, man, this is what it's about.
And it's like, dude, you're just devastated.
Yeah.
You took a bunch of people's money.
Did it.
You're like, oh, I'll just mail this out.
They just take it.
And then they just fucking go and follow like the string cheese incident.
They're like, whoa.
And it's like, you fucking assholes.
Yeah, dude, I'm telling you.
Stay away.
And then they get pussy.
They get like.
Trick women via drugs into having sex.
Yeah, pretty much.
Evil hippies also always tend to have coke or like something on the side.
That's like a little more nefarious.
Yeah, no, they do.
Usually the roads usually lead to that or do just.
I remember being a guy's house.
He's like, yeah, I mean, I shoot H every now and again.
It's not like, what the fuck are you guys doing?
Damn, bro.
Yeah, the roads of evil hippiedom lead pretty much to heroin.
Yeah.
They'll get.
Yeah, it's not a good.
It's not a good path, dude.
Sorry.
No, you're fine.
I appreciate it.
You've got experience with them.
I'm new to the hippies.
I'm new to the evil hippies.
I was very disappointed.
I remember first meeting hippies and like, oh, you guys seem cool.
Yeah.
And you see their inner workings and you're like, yeah, they're gross.
They get.
They once they link up onto the dark web, dude, it's over.
It's over, dude.
That's how all like the ecstasy gets into grade schools.
They're just some evil hippie being like, whoa, nice, man.
What is age, dude?
Yeah.
They're just committing horrible crimes.
You saw me asking what is age right before this episode started.
What even is age, dude?
This girl is so hot.
I hope she's fucking all right.
Well, you just uncovered a serious.
I uncovered a sick life hack.
If any of you are also fucking fat perverts, look, you go on Instagram, click
the location.
You know how people like tag their location?
Click the location.
It's always, no matter where it is, it's always just hot chicks posing.
No matter what.
Dude, I clicked Vietnam and it was just hot chicks.
Hot pregnant chicks at that.
There was one that was like a hot pregnant Asian, a whole thing dedicated to
hot pregnant Asian ladies.
Never saw anything like it.
It's weird all information gets kind of arranged now.
It's like, why would we want to collect this specifically?
Click Disneyland.
It was just hot chicks.
Yeah.
It's weird.
I mean, you showed me.
If you type in like, if you were to type in right now, like Maniunk, it would
just be like some hot chick by a river just being like, well, it's got to be
sad for the women who, that's like a viable thing for a chick to do right now.
And it's just like, when it ends, dude, like if you've spent your whole life
trying to be a hot chick on the internet, first of all, dime a dozen.
Second of all, unless you're doing something else, man, it's fucking, I was
weird.
Me and Noah were talking on the way over here.
We're talking about a bus, no, not bus, hostesses.
And he was saying his bae had to fill out a job application.
Hostesses are so hot.
That's what I said.
He was like, we were laughing.
He had to fill out an application.
They have like a three-year life, shelf life, dude.
No, did I not exactly.
Did you say that?
Well, it was basically like, why is there an application to pick?
Are you a hot young chick?
Okay, you have the job.
You do understand when you're 27, you'll get fired.
Okay, yes, thank you.
Goodbye.
It's just hot young chicks.
They have the lifespan of like an NFL running back.
They go to like two, three years of like heavy carries and then it's like, get
them out, replaceable.
Yeah, they fucking, yeah, hot hostesses are nice.
I like that.
Oh, hostesses are hot.
Or the restaurant's getting the hottest, it's like the hottest chicks you have
access to, that's who you hire.
Sometimes you'll see the hostess and you know, it's a good litmus test for the
whole town.
You'll be like, this is your prima donna?
This is who you present me?
I'm here to dine.
I'm here to dine.
I need to get hard before I eat chicken fingers as a 32-year-old before I order
chicken fingers.
Yeah, I mean, think about the fact they lead you to the table.
What are you doing while they leave?
Where you look at the menu and you just go, nah, you know what, I'll just get
the chicken fingers.
You guys have chicken fingers?
Yeah, man.
Right this way and you're just like, sorry.
No, I don't mean to put smut on your girl's name.
No, I've dated a couple.
That's a hot chick position.
Yeah, it's a good thing.
If you're dating a lady that is a waitress, good on you.
You're dating a hot.
I'm talking about the hostess.
H