Name: Return of the Stoner Dads
Uploaded: 2020-09-09T05:26:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Return of the Stoner Dads' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Return of the Stoner Dads' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-09. Transcript available.

Return of the Stoner Dads

Welcome to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, special edition, Shane's on the
road.
We're doing a little bit of a, me and Shane are split by geography right now.
We're both doing episodes, so there'll be two main episodes, two pages.
That's how hard we go.
That's pretty sick.
Most people would phone in some bullshit-ass Zoom, but it's like, dude, let's
just rip.
This is joint custody.
This is joint custody.
This is weekends right now.
That was actually the first thing I was going to say.
It was like, we got to talk about how Shane's not here and how it's okay.
I'm tired.
Every time Shane's not here, you have us on, or at least me.
Listen, I know you guys love Shane.
Shane loves you guys, too.
You're the stepdad.
You're the stepdads of Shat Nation.
I also love you guys, and I feel like if you just give me a chance.
People get discombobulated, like, what the fuck?
Trips them up, dude.
Well, usually it'll just be, I'll do it, but Shane's doing one, too.
So you are getting Matt.
Two Christmases, dude.
We still love each other, dude.
We still love each other.
It's just, things are complicated right now.
Matt's getting cummed in by a new dad.
No, that's all.
I thought this was dad's house here, but that's fine.
It's mom's house.
Stoner dad's house, dude.
This is stoner dad's, dude.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, it's pretty sick.
I love having stoner dads.
Stoner dads is such a sick podcast.
It's always fun to do it.
That could be the, that could be like the, uh, the Captain Planet, you know,
joined forces
podcast.
You know what I mean?
It could be totally separate from this.
It doesn't even matter.
I mean, dude, if we could put all of our dicks together and then we each get a
day of the
week to wield it, that would be pretty sick.
I would cut off a third of my life.
We had like all of our dicks and like, I got like Monday.
Nah, I want the weekend, but I guess.
I'd just be like, guys, can we power up again?
Is there any way we can get together and power up just again?
I mean, okay, nevermind.
I would do that.
Yeah.
I don't think I would.
Yeah.
I don't think I would trade dicks with anyone else or like dick up with anyone
else, but
you guys.
Oh, hell yeah.
That's about second.
I'll trade dicks with either of you right now, but I'll blindly trade dicks
with most
people.
Most people.
True.
We'll go full Tina's out.
We'll join them up with your powers combined, with your birds combined.
I'm fucking.
It'd be funny too, to trade birds and then just like you just, cause I think a
lot of
times like the downward angle, I think I've read this somewhere, like the
downward angle
of looking at your bird makes it look smaller than it actually is in real life.
So it's sucked to trade birds with someone and still like neg someone else's
bird.
They need like the, the trying on sneakers mirror at bird height.
True.
Cause you look down at shoes.
Every shoe looks bad.
You'd be like, yo, did you give me all of your dick?
Cause I gave you all of mine.
I just wanted to make sure.
You didn't leave some dick in the car.
Go check.
Dude, if someone wild, wild wested your dick transaction, that would suck, dude.
They tricked you and you're like, what?
But no, we should definitely.
You fed this thing before you waited.
I know you did.
You purposely didn't drink any water for two days before we traded dicks, man.
What the fuck?
I'd be sick too.
I'd trade dicks with fat people.
Cause then it's like, they got all that extra dick hidden in their body.
So you get a good discount.
They're like, nah, I'm only rocking like five and three quarters.
That's a fixer upper dick.
I'll take it.
Yeah.
I'll take it and just get shredded, dude.
Do a little bit of keto.
Probably be seven.
Yeah.
Make a couple of trips to Home Depot.
Hell yeah, dude.
That sucks when you get fat enough to have that acorn cap dick.
You know what I mean?
What were you talking about?
Like when it actually, you get like a bowl.
You get like a half pipe.
That's my least favorite part of my body is the soft area directly above my
dick.
Dude, how do you get rid of it, dude?
It's like a fat pussy for dudes.
It is.
That's exactly what it is.
I was trying to figure out a way to say it because it's like, on women, it's
kind of sexy.
Yeah.
You get a little pudding in your panties?
Yeah.
I got to get all the pudding out of my panties, dude.
I think if you just do planks all the time, you can get rid of your dick fat.
Or like your...
Oh, I thought you were trying to increase it.
You just do...
It can increase...
If I just like start eating my dick fat.
My dick fat, it goes right to my dick fat.
When I eat like sweets.
Yeah.
It's like, that's going to show up.
Until you get fight club abs, though, that's the softest part of your body.
So I think it's normal to hate it.
I think it...
Yeah.
I think it's an evolutionary thing.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You don't want...
What's the benefit?
Of, you know, when you're contacting.
You don't want like a...
You don't want to be like elbowing, you know, your wife because you should only
have sex with
her.
You don't want to be elbowing your wife's pussy.
I think it's a good thing because it like guarantees clitoral contact when you're
fucking
missionary that at least.
That's true.
I think...
No, I think it's what it is.
I think it's like as your bird shrinks from being fat, you get more of a clitoral
punch.
It's an evolutionary thing.
As your bird shrinks from being fat, it's just your body was just like, all
right, well...
Oh, because it used to be like powerful to be a fat.
Like if you were fat, you were the king of the tribe or whatever.
Yeah.
And you had extra fucking clit power.
Yeah.
I thought it was because like your brain can't let you think you're not tearing
that pussy
up.
So if you have that extra fat, it just sounds like you're crushing puss.
You're only putting the tip in.
There's a level of amateur porn that is usually like a fatter bald dude with
like a big fat,
like a scoop of ice cream around his dick.
He's just fucking...
He's always banging like a Thailand sex slave too.
It's always a Thai sex slave.
It's like, oh, hanging out with a Thai chick.
And it's like, this woman's trapped.
Those dudes always push from the bottom though.
I give it up for those dudes.
Those dudes always fuck up from the bottom.
Harder than any jack dude you'll see.
Well, you have to...
So yeah, if you're going to fuck up from the bottom, I think what that is, is...
I'm going to spit on here.
Obviously, I never do this, but it's like, you don't want your dick to slip out
when she's
on top.
So you start fucking...
You're like, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop.
And you go up while she's going up.
And you chase her up.
Just follow her right up.
And you follow her back down.
Yeah.
As opposed to being like, could you move a half an inch south so you don't snap
my bird
in half?
I think they do that on purpose, just to humble you.
They'll come all the way off it and be like, just like hovering.
They'll go all the way above your dick and then come back down.
And you're like, what the fuck?
Like when you're throwing a baby in the air, you got a little bit of air.
Don't get air.
And it's like, dude, you can't get air on my bird.
Look, this is totally rad.
I just need you to calm down.
I need you to not get air on my bird, please.
At least throw a 180 in.
Just grind rails on my dick.
Just only manuals on my dick, please.
Yeah, dude.
No getting it.
I hate when people get air on my bird.
7-20.
Comes back down and breaks my bird.
I'm like, come on, dude.
I twisted my bird again.
Yeah, the wife got air last night.
She had about four inches air.
Came down, fucking took me out.
I think of the ace bandage out.
Oh, man.
Yeah, no.
As a dude, you can get air.
If you want to get air out.
That's fucking risky business.
That's terrifying.
That's like refueling a jet in midair.
It is.
Dude, the re-entry is dangerous.
All the way out, all the way in, dude.
That's porn stuff.
That is.
That is, yeah.
All the way out, all the way in.
It's such a ridiculous thing.
That's strictly for dudes wearing sneakers and porn.
You have to have a dick that wants pussy more than you do.
You know?
It needs to be like a divining rod so when it comes out, it doesn't change
trajectory.
It just goes straight back in.
It's like you need a dick that finds pussy for that.
All right.
Well, this is great.
I'll see you guys later.
All right.
We're done.
Thank you.
See you on Patreon.
Oh, my God.
We just watched some sick-ass Republican propaganda.
Oh, yeah.
Pretty happy, man.
I was on YouTube today, and I'm looking at it being like, dude, this is the
level of election
time propaganda we're under.
You go on and just like, Joe Biden's a fucking pussy, and you're like, can I
just watch this
shit I'm trying to watch, please?
It goes back and forth between being like, Trump loves cops.
Joe Biden's a pussy.
And then I saw the, someone sent me in on Patreon of that video I showed you
guys of the Jack
Black dude who's rapping about how much he loves guns and Trump.
Gun Toad and Patriot.
Gun Toad and Patriot, dude.
Lemaire, how'd you like that?
Mic, please.
Dude, I loved it.
I was in love with Gun Toad and Patriot.
It's a bop.
It's a great song.
Did you see his shirt?
What did it say?
It said Obamagagate.
Like, Obama Magagate.
Oh, really?
Capital O, B, A, yeah.
It said Obamagate, but the MAGA was capitalized.
Hell yeah.
I thought they capitalized gate.
I was watching, I was like, that's kind of weird.
Yeah, they capitalized all of ma-gate.
They should have just done MAGA.
They did.
They capitalized ma-gate.
Ma-gate, yeah.
But yeah, it's pretty, I don't know, dude.
I feel like the fate of our fake democracy rests in the hands of black voters.
Because everyone wants the black vote so bad.
Is that actually true?
I'm starting to feel like it's a myth.
Nothing means anything.
You think black people are a myth?
Yeah.
You think black people in the U.S. are a myth?
Wait, so you think black people are a true Hebrew?
Until I see one, I'm not just going to take your word for it.
So you think black people are the true Hebrews, is what you're saying.
I got some literature for you.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
There's also a conspiracy theory.
Yeah, melanated voters are a myth, dude.
True.
Everyone says, like, it comes down to the black vote.
It's like, does it?
Nothing comes down to anything.
Yeah, black people don't even vote.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
I don't know.
There's a lot of guilt with black people not voting.
Old black ladies will be like, there's so much, like, you know, we did so much
shit
so you could vote, you have to vote, blah, blah, blah.
My wife gets it a lot.
But they're the first people not voting.
They might not vote, though.
They're like the NBA.
Only 20% of old black ladies are registered to vote.
Really?
Yeah.
You hear about that?
That was the NBA.
The NBA is talking all this shit, like, everybody should vote.
Go out there and make a change.
Only 20% of the NBA players are registered to vote.
Only the white ones.
Really?
I don't track it that much.
All of the non-convicts.
Yeah.
Oh, I ain't saying it.
The green chair.
That was the...
Oh, my God.
I've been possessed by Shane before.
Yeah, but no, but I saw they were saying only 20% of the NBA is registered to
vote.
But, I mean, I can't imagine that more than 20% of the NBA is white.
I feel like those numbers probably have something to do with each other.
Well, that's kind of racist.
No, they're definitely not.
Yeah.
And out of those white guys in the NBA, I would say, what, like, 60% of them
are, like, from, like, far Europe?
Like, Czechoslovakian shit?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the other 40% act like melanated voters?
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
I mean, that's a...
I don't think...
I think the majority of the country doesn't vote, though.
That's the other thing.
Like, they did a poll, and, like, I think, like, at least 60% of the country
doesn't vote.
Do you think the white players in the NBA are the black vote?
How?
How?
I don't 