Name: Ep. 316 Johnny Hollywood
Uploaded: 2020-09-23T03:38:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep. 316 Johnny Hollywood' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep. 316 Johnny Hollywood' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-23. Transcript available.

Ep. 316 Johnny Hollywood

all right what's up everybody it's going on damn low energy intro who me yeah
well i was actually
you had me thinking about noah's jacket noah is mark ruffalo from this much i
know is true
spoiler alert yeah sport you see the end of it you gotta get you some fucking
white new bounces
that's just a full that's the only difference between like cool hipster not
saying you're a
cool hipster no not at all also not saying cool is he high or does he just look
like that no those
are two dopers okay that's what i think that's what i think oh yeah both of
them are oh he's
dropping it's like it's off of no i'm like this guy's fucking big yeah our
whole our squad sucks
yeah he was put off mark ruffalo vibes and this much i know is true dude i'd
hate to see a sad
noah i i hate a depressing sight i wanted noah can you climb a ladder and then
fall off i want to see
how much that show is probably the best show on hb wait what is it i've never
even it's about a guy
it's about this italian guy italian who thinks that his grandfather molested
his mom the entire show
and he has a schizophrenic brother and it's him trying to figure out if his
grandfather was a
molester molestor excuse me or what he wasn't but his life sucks regardless but
he's trying to figure
it out while meanwhile he's a schizophrenic brother that's like locked in a
mental institution he's
trying to get out dude so yeah no you look like you look like a disheveled
house painter with a
really terrible schizophrenic oh i thought you're gonna say he looks like he's
definitely been
molested well no because noah's i i said that forgetting about the spoiler
alert if you haven't
seen it because if you see noah's breakdown matches up with the spoiler alert
but i can't i can't
reveal it's a good show what's up with mark ruffalo starring in shit about
people getting like
touched inappropriately he did that spotlight movie too he loves it what movie
was that spotlight
about them it was like the they tried to lie that it was a lie about the catholic
church
remember when the jews tried to ruin catholic i remember that right yeah um
yeah it's like it's uh
the boston like chronicle or whatever they like um broke the news story about
the church
wouldn't mark ruffalo play he play 11 year old altar server he was as the hulk
he was a reporter
yeah did you see that movie i did dude there's this there's this so the whole
the whole movie is
about about this is lou mizziano oh yeah by the way welcome to the cast so the
whole movie is about
kids getting molested and it's heavy as fuck and you're like sitting there and
you're like this
can't get any heavier and then and then like halfway through they have to delay
the story because
9-11 happens and you're like jesus christ it's like this whole thing about kids
getting touched and
all of a sudden they walk into a like a newsroom and everyone's watching the tv's
like oh fuck
did you leave that door open by chance old lew dog
no dude that's wow damn someone's blasting that guy just has nice that wasn't
steely dan that was drake
that was laugh now cry later when you came in was uh fucking west side story
still happening
yes there was a drum line a lot of music there was a drum line there's a full
like a marching band
shit's yeah i called the cops on a drum line last night did you they're back
they followed you dude
say what you want to say about latinos but they throw a fucking street party
better than
and who black people no no no no true you're saying latinos have better parties
than black
parties without question i don't know black people tend i've seen like bouncy
houses true
every once in a while they'll break out like a fun house you don't see a lot of
bouncy houses at
latino block parties no but you know you do see is a lot of brass instruments
out of fucking nowhere
and that's what i'm here oh yeah dude i remember when i was living at 19th and
gerard like they
wouldn't even because there's no there no one's getting permits for that shit
they just like one
day you just wake up oh yeah the whole street's just blocked off yeah we there
would be i used to
live on 15th and gerard and people look right above that 16th and people would
i'll get a knock on my
door and be like yo you you need to move your car because we're inflating a
bouncy house i mean i was
planning on leaving but i guess i'll just keep it there it's already inflated i'm
not gonna like
make you guys deflate it and drive over it so i get out oh i thought you made
it seem that they
that they inflated it over your car no they're just letting you know or someone
would used to try
to wake us up to do chores we had a block captain a very active block captain
who'll be like hey
guys let you know we're cleaning up you want to wake up i'm like dude it's
seven o'clock
is that just like a poor homeowners association block captain is when somebody
claims to be in
charge of the entire somebody assumes power someone it's the lowest form of
political power
it's it's it's autocratic there's no vote it's not it's not uh you don't elect
block captains
through democracy someone just steps up and like i'm the block captain right
and you're just like
all right dude i guess that fucking stinks i just love watching lamere operate
he tried to turn a
page in his notebook quietly and it was very fun to watch lamere lamere are we
hitting red at all
like what are the sounds hit us with some visuals no this sounds pretty tight
how you feel how are you
feeling i feel okay i was look i was out i was on the road and i got some bad
reports about lamere i had a
cup the reports were flying in can i there was no fat attacks there wasn't
although someone did throw up
on that deck again it wasn't you it wasn't me someone puked on the deck and i
gotta be honest you were the
one i got a couple people being like yo another fat attack happened you return
to the scene of the
crime just to puke again there was one time where we were at um we were at the
old uh the old house
in west philly and we were all playing poker and uh we were getting drunk and
talking shit and
whatever and i called lamere uh bee sting hands and nobody heard it except chris
wood who tapped me on
the shoulder i was like that should have gotten more credit that was really
fucking of course would
of course the woman is like yo i heard you came underneath it no one no one
heard you like that's
like how you approach the audience
dude so i was at a roast battle shane was off i was on the home front and i got
invited to
judge a roast battle which is the best thing you can do i can only imagine i
mean you just sit there and
just talk massive amounts of shit you're a big roaster yeah that was like the
oh i mean i only got into it
because i wasn't getting booked at all and pat barker was like just fucking
come sign up and then
it was you're good at it thanks man yeah it was an opportunity to just like
wear a suit and be a
fucking dickhead so yeah yeah it was i think uh there were didn't someone take
you under their tutelage
a famous roaster uh not pat barker pretty much i mean i was i was hanging out
with jeff ross that's
yeah because i'm cool as shit don't don't belittle my man i'll belittle anyone
i'm saying you were
studying under the roast master yeah who became scandalized right yeah exactly
how'd that go oh my
god can i also can i tell you can i just no oh well i'll say i'm just i'm just
dealing in facts
you were you were studying under the master also can i can i just say when i
found out when the day
that that story broke i literally out loud was like well there goes my career
i'm like i'm not even fucking touching kids and i'm still getting fucked
did he i don't think so no i'm saying to you oh i don't want to talk about it
nice seems like you've been into 11
nope staying out of this i can't wait staying out of this i can't it's a valid
question i'm also
really excited did he do it yeah i'm also i'm really excited for mark ruffalo
to probably play
him in some sort of
it's a valid question i know it's yeah the roast master the roast master it's
just it's a tough
nickname to have while going through an ordeal the roast master is on trial
um yeah but that was like so i was i was in minnesota at a depressing weekend
depressing like
week in minnesota and then i looked at my instagram story saw you with all of
our friends having fun
dude yeah i was in a hotel room just looking at it like pieces of shit i was
like jealous that you
guys were having fun wait what'd you guys what'd you guys do so we so i was uh
it was funny actually
i rarely ever go on facebook and i was like i took all the apps off my phone
now so i have
like even instagram's on a desktop that's a fucking move dude i go on never now
so i'm like all right
i'm gonna check all my messages for everything you know for like a half an hour
and then just turn
it all off so i open up facebook and then lo and behold it was an invitation to
judge the roast
battle i think so i called and a beezer was doing it too so i was like fuck it
man let's i call
beezer whatever and i'm like let's go do this and uh started late as fuck by
the way started like 11 30
that makes sense oh they told me 10 i thought it'd be eight i assumed a roast
battle is a young man's
game dude it's a dude it's the it's a desperate it's desperate hungry young man's
game it for real
dude it was but we go out there long story short we're out there we're watching
oh i see lamere
dude two on one roast battle oh lamere wait they stack people against each
other like they got
how did that work lamere i heard you came up with a pretty good plan that you
were going to tag team
no no no no no no yeah the plan wasn't the tag team the plan wasn't the tag
team the plan was to
change the game but we offered him
so you planned on changing the game yeah we offered him a chance to get a we
offered him we were like
dude you get a partner you can pick one if you don't we have like a day who who
was signed up first
what do you mean so was it him versus one other person no okay no no it was uh
it was me
versus it was you know sean gardini yes sean gardini booked the whole thing
like the day before
so we had to like get last minute people and he asked me and i was like yeah
this guy he's my
roommate we can go against him and then i was like oh i want to do a tag team i
got a friend
you can get somebody if you want and he was like i don't want to go with
anybody and i was like all
right damn he rolled solo on you guys damn and he fucked you up he didn't fuck
us up any fucking
weren't better he won because it was two on one he smashed you matt the judges
roasted us better than
he did yeah well yeah the judge is always funnier than the fucking comics wait
do you wait so do you
guys like in that in that roast battle do you guys like uh do you guys like sit
down with each other
and like give each other like ammo or do you or do you guys just go and totally
blind what do you mean
like because like a roast battle in la it's like the person you're roasting
like you'll go out and
like get a beer and like get coffee and like no we knew the guy he knew us so
we didn't have to
worry about getting ammo we knew this was your roommate yeah so you've been
building a case on him
yo no no i don't i we didn't even go into like we didn't even we just made fun
of the way he looked
and like so wait your this was your roommate you tried to tag team and he
fucked you up
like how defensive look at defensive the boy is lemare tell your side i'll tell
the true story
i'm telling my side i don't know dude it seems like your roommate had like
fucking pictures of
you in his fucking room with like red string connected oh he picked you apart
wait did his roommate did he true detective you yeah he picked you apart dude
if given the chance
of this roast battle you should probably kill yourself yeah lemare and then lemare
threw up on
the deck and fell then lemare threw up in front of everybody and got booed and
collapsed
collapsed oh we need to l