Name: Ep 317- Barndog
Uploaded: 2020-09-30T01:19:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 317- Barndog' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 317- Barndog' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-30. Transcript available.

Ep 317- Barndog

all right we're live uh on bar dog too like you were saying i checked into it
it actually was six
million um it wasn't like two whatever you're saying i forget what okay i i
thought it was a
lot less um but thanks for your screen your screen went off when you said that
obviously joke
those are jokes matt we don't start with hate speech no i was just bar dog was
like making
some arguments before i'm like i bet he was i'm pretty sure it was actually you
know exactly six
million it wasn't 2.5 that's what that's one of the funniest hate crimes of
like having a mathematical
debate i'll give you five million that's as far as i can go yeah the less anti-semitic
i'll meet you
in the middle here i thought it was 12 million to be honest all my sources i
thought they actually
killed all the jews besides adam and eve that's a stick well it takes like
actually it was like 25
million that is pretty tight good and they were all black
six million that's what nobody talks about dude that's what nobody talks about
they're all black
well it makes sense because because germans have terrible senses of humor so
like they got hit with
those black israelites and they got fired up dude they were like this must stop
i mean he called me hansel and gretel looking ass motherfucker there is no room
for this
that'd be so funny if that was if they're actually plagued by black israelites
they're all jacked i don't know how you're gonna round them up black israelites
yeah
fuck you up dude bunch of dudes dress like pharaohs you're not getting blood
trained no
and we all it's across the it's across the board that we all agree they do rule
for sure yes oh for
sure barn dog so we're here live live with our guest the barn dog dude that's a
studio
brandon crick is this dude yeah dude uh this is my bedroom uh but i have the
mic on a stand doesn't
not look nice it does i like to hold i like to hold a speaker that you don't
need to hold
yeah i have to have to hold this in my lap right now because i have no i'm in
my fucking third floor
because my basement is just there's just tons of water coming through the pipe
so it would be a
constant like in the background the chair is wild man you look like you're at a
we work it's a beanbag
baby that's a beanbag yeah that's a beanbag with like a full it's a beanbag
against a chair this
thing takes form if you stand this thing up and fall back in i could do it you
fall back into it let
me see you do that all right check this out hold on to the uh to the audio
listeners yeah you're
missing out dude matt's in his sweatpants he's about to dive onto a beanbag is
that like a full
beanbag mattress looks like it i'm gonna have to get it re-beamed
all right i i take that was pretty sick all right it's the last thing i need
the last thing i need
is a chair that allows me to just fall over whatever i want this is the one
like the few
calories i burn are getting in and out of chairs
speaking of i uh i almost fell today dude what took a nasty spill on the way
into a sheets
one of my sandals caught the uh all right so it was raining and i guess
the parking line was like fresh enough painted that it was slick so one of my
one of my feet while i was
watching went out then i bashed the other toe stubbed it so bad it ripped the
sock and my toe was bleeding
aggressively bleeding and i had to i limped into the sheets
with a bloody toe with a hole in a sock limped in with a bloody toe sticking
out oh and bought two
cans of skull and had to ask the guys like you guys don't have any band-aids do
you and he dude i got a
fucking show him the wound i can't see it oh you blew the sock out yeah did you
put a band-aid on your sock
it's just painters tape oh man it's worse than i thought it was dude oh oh
christ
yeah i fucking dinged it up dude yeah stores fucking hate when you ask for
first aid
i tried that once yeah ask for medical assistance sheets yeah you injured
yourself in the depot before
barn dog yeah i was like picking up a light bulb and the the side of it was
sharp and i just like
slashed down my palm and it's like already to find someone it's hard to find
someone in there if like
you're just looking for where a thing is but like i'm just like bleeding and i
can't find you
it's like bleeding on the ground yeah of course they hate that yeah man it up
their injury-free
that's like a big deal also i know that they like it was near like where all
the screws are and they
have that tv of the guy watching you so i'm like well that guy's doing nothing
yeah i mean coming into a button or something entering a sheets with a bloody
foot and being like
you wouldn't happen to have any bandages would you the guy was like i actually
have some band-aids
in the back he gave me his personal band-aids did he really yeah and then and
then after he
handed me the band-aids he was like you mind filling out a survey for me and i
was like yeah sure
and i immediately threw out the receipt with the survey idiot going into a
sheets like that it makes
it look like you were driving bleeding like trying to find a place trying to
get to a sheets
specifically be a sheets yeah that's that's where i get my i don't have health
insurance so i just
have to barter with sheets cashiers for health you're passing wawa's just like
no it won't do
i'm pumped this cashier has like a field kit on him just in case it was
it was impressive he had band-aids yeah that's i can't find them in my house
half the time i don't
think i've ever had band-aids like even purchased or owned them yeah no i have
them i bought them after i've
sliced myself up pretty regularly yeah you cut yourself relatively often yeah
so i'll cop band-aids
but you're a cutter yeah barn dog yes it's good to finally hit me all right so
for those of you who
don't know me and the barn dog started together back in central pa yep i was
like my dog right yeah
moved to philly lived with me and matt and then barn dog went separate ways and
went to la to to become a hollywood star
now i like to see that you're getting chubby again you get a little chubbier
now you're not fat
no you're wrong i'm actually the fast i've ever been or at least that's when
you're the best
or the most when i was drinking i was lighter but it was like it it was shaped
worse like pocketed in
weird areas so this is like sober fat it's just like a pure clean fat yeah that's
the best fat just
straight food yeah it's truly the most impressive fat only from food incredible
i have no vices
like i don't even drink caffeine anymore and i still look like
yeah dude i can't believe my toe is still bleeding
yeah that was like a it's still like a fresh gate like a gaping wound yeah i
had to go dude my sock was
the sock i was wearing was like wet with blood when i walked into the sheets
that's my that's my plan x right now if everything fails i'm gonna get a job at
home depot put on the
orange vest and then just unload a ton of lumber onto myself and just die let
my family get the life
insurance slash the lawsuit that's a sick move i'm gonna drive a forklift you
like look at the camera
and like try to frame it better i'm gonna get a forklift and just buzz around
so i get yeah and get
like really good in frame and just lift like the heaviest thing up and then
just drop it really quick on
myself man let me get on this we'll drive two forklifts into each other
what's better than those industrial like those videos of dudes in giant warehouses
where they like
in one of those forklifts just clip like a corner lightly and the whole
warehouse collapses on them
have you seen those dude like literally like a ton
weight like a ton of product lands on these dudes in forklifts i was wondering
like who's publishing that footage
i mean there's endless footage of what you're describing dude that's have tried
to watch to the
end of it there's no end it's a good way it's a good way to go matt you're
exactly right that's the
most honorable way for a man to die these days for sure like being an indian on
a train those are
some sick live leak deaths oh they're just grabbing a wire while you're sitting
on the roof
there's like 20 other guys on the roof with you so you should know better
you're gonna kill everybody just conducting it if coronavirus continues to
destroy the american
economy i'm gonna start doing pull-ups on like skyscrap skyscraper beams and
just like let it whatever
happens let it ride on youtube and just let go we did it yeah it's just we
should get like suicide
on tick tock on like rebar yeah amazon's gonna get that man people are gonna do
the math and like
hit 40 and be like all right we all work basically for amazon we all work for
basically two companies
now the honorable thing to do is like on your 40th birthday just have feign a
horrible work accident
so your family can just sue like this what will be like a trillionaire class
yeah get yourself like a
pittance that's your 401k it's a good that's genuinely like you don't need a
401k you can just
exactly just get lumber have it lumber crush you in the aisles of a home depot
dude the guy the guy did
it that is that is honorable too he's having all the wood fall on you and just
you in the orange vest
it's like i love you yeah it's like the scene in 300 when all the arrows are up
there
you get crushed by lumber and all that's sticking out is just your hand with a
letter in it
yeah man that's uh that's the plan good to have it's good to have like all my
ground all my swords
covered it's like where it's coming yeah you got your ducks in a row dude
exactly there was the what
was the uh there was a movie i think it was on amazon or i forget where i
watched it after i
watched rewind which is like a horrible molestation movie there's another movie
called capturing the
freedman's which is about a it's similar but it's about a father and son duo
who are doing the molesting
and trying to be like fake news fake news but the dad gets caught with child
porn but long short the
dad enough to fake news well he was the sons are like okay so dad was a little
weird but he wasn't
running like he was doing computer classes and allegedly molesting all of the
kids in his at-home
computer class but there was one kid who was like nah i was there he didn't molest
me but everyone else
was like oh he totally molested us and they said the son was so he had a macaulay
calkin
who was that's what macaulay called macaulay calkin did that for michael jackson
he was like he was
like the guy never touched me this is all that's a good but you needed ride or
die dude true he had
one guy who was like they're all that's just people trying to keep these
literally children they're not
loyal you need to get a nice loyal child listen any child molesters out there
just get one decoy and
don't them if you can if you can if you can resist but just hang out with them
a lot yeah teach your
computer skills dude never them the setup was he was a computer class in his
basement and everyone was
like we would be doing like typing skills and then we'd see a picture of a half
naked girl and he'd be
like you like that and they as dude you're in like seventh grade you're like
yeah this rules and then
slowly this guy would be like eating your ass and you're like yeah man i didn't
see this coming
wow i thought he was just being a bit huh what year was this i'm trying to
imagine what kind of
computer oh dude this was like logo writer so this would have been like 1980s
it was all like a
like a not like a very uh it's just like uh it's just like text like periods
and spaces
and he's like you like that yeah just 8008 yeah calculator at five but his
oldest son was allegedly
in on it too but the whole what's it reminded me of it because the guy
eventually he did go to jail
and he was just like i he checked his insurance policy and they're like yo you
can kill yourself
and still get paid he was like sweet killed himself
yeah the son yeah the sons were like mom you're such a bitch you were so mean
to dad after he had
a child porn you're su