Name: Ep 319- CBDhab
Uploaded: 2020-10-14T14:20:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 319- CBDhab' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 319- CBDhab' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-14. Transcript available.

Ep 319- CBDhab

all right dude we're back again lemare just gave us the countdown from the
booth what up dude how
you been doing fine how was the week week was good how was our time apart i i
just basically
skedaddled after the last episode i took off hopped on a plane the next day i
was california
living dude oh yeah i forgot you're out there dude it was awesome you're a
beach boy i was
salt life dude i am did you saw like come on first off i'm salt life dude i'm
telling you
i am solid okay but there can be more than one salt life i agree that's true
but i am salt life
dude i'm telling you what i had sand in my hair i didn't wash my hair i got
sand in the in the
trunk of the cruise right now wasn't your salt life doesn't matter the beach
finds me
dude i love i love having sand in my car oh me too especially when it wasn't me
and someone borrowed
my car without asking that's what i love saying to my car no dude it was uh it
was awesome man
run jet skiing that's salt life dude on jet skiing bait fuck man she was did
you rent a jeep in key
west cruise through the town i mean that's not bad that's salt life would you
have a sticker if you
can read this flip me over bro did you get a bottle of rum and sit on a palm
tree that's come on
that's pirates of the caribbean that is pirate life
i might be pirate life we can both be salt life all right i love no i think
i'm bigger than psychology though huh i call psychology that's fine you can
have psychology
i call weed i'm a social worker i'm a social worker i love that in social work
school they're
like i mean you know psychologists think they know it's like that's because
they genuinely know
more than you would you please shut up you read like half of uh there was the
um who's the big
philosopher they would all read and be like this is all you need to know fuck
what's the guy's name
he's french jesus christ no lamere the uh he's french he's a gay guy is he
alive right now that's a lot
of them i know uh yeah not day day cart was italian i believe um renee descartes
no he was more he was
more um right no he was hold on i'll get this he he came up with the term the
medical gaze but i thought
he was a satirist not necessarily a was he in a was voltaire like he was he was
a thinker yeah he was
yeah he was just a floss yeah thinker who okay he he debated noam chomsky noam
chomsky or noah
chomsky no no no no no no the interim chomsky dude i don't know i don't care i
don't like well
they'll look like they would a gay frenchman debated noam chomsky yeah sick i
didn't understand it was it
was pretty unwatchable but either way yeah they'll go and be like they'll like
read like a chapter of
this guy's work then be like oh yeah psychologists think they know everything
dude i get it dude i went
to school for two years for this we didn't do fucking anything yeah but for
anyway yes you get
psychology you get weed um i'm just all salt life dude which you know weed kind
of comes with that for
the most part but like i don't even think about it like that salt life and weed
what salt life's more
about boozing getting a yeti cooler filling it up with some suds to you first
off don't you lecture
me on what salt life is salt life's about blacking out pissing in the water fuco
it's about black it's
about not swimming until you have to piss and then going waist deep and pissing
dude it's about getting
right to the beach i dude i set this stuff down i i'm a water yeah you are
water bug you are a bit
of a water bug i'm a water bug i was in the water the whole time that makes
sense dude it's one of those
beaches too the second day because obviously i went to the beach as much as
possible of course four days
the second day we're one of those beaches that slope down do you ever go i don't
like this dude i thought
i didn't but it's so fucking fun oh you get some speed running in you're
getting some speed running
in dude i was boogieing i had a little boogie board really yeah well it was you
know i borrowed it but
you know i still still boogie i had your boogie board in my trunk for that was
my skin board excuse me
that was my skin board pardon me yeah there's a difference i mean you know
whatever i'm not that's
that's not salt life i mean boogie boarding is slight salt life skin boarding
not salt life skin
boarding salt life as hell i'm telling you what salt life is it's extreme dude
no that's that's all
yeah that's all extreme extreme sports dude i'm telling you that's not solid if
i had salt life's
about fucking pulling up digging a hole laying on your stomach pissing into the
sand so you don't
even get in the water dude i'm telling you what if i had my skin board on that
decline that would
have been i would have been threatened i would have got sponsored definitely i
probably got sponsored
by quicksilver yeah dude
by billabong billabong would have been on billabong would have been all over
you yeah billabong would
have saw me fucking skimming and been like whoo le maire doesn't seem like he's
very salt life
hey le maire are you salt life i don't really know what it means you see yeah
exactly you see more
like freshwater life yeah i don't like beaches you seem like pond life well it
is a nerd thing to
not like beaches is that how long has that been the case like my whole life i
think i like swamps
i do like swamps exactly i knew it i knew you were a swamp thing your swamp
life you're a swamp thing
so you're like a nice bog yeah a nice humid bog real shrek dude absolute shrek
so what what happens when you go to the beach that makes i i can't again i'm
all salt life so
people i know people who are like i hate the beach i'm like i can't fathom like
what what bothers you
about it well i'm a fat i've been a fat my whole life that's all right dude
that's when you you have
to shine at the beach yeah you have to be fat at the beach for sure what are
you talking about
no i'm not trying to look like a big pam i'm not out there all right why don't
you save the jokes
for the table over here you just answer the questions yeah man you gotta get
that's sad
are you are you high right now god damn it dude how you seem like you're like
hours after high when
it's just pure it's like you seemed a little yeah you got like you can tell in
his face now you can't
tell in his eyes but his whole when after lemare if lemare smoked weed hours
for the podcast he shows
up and he's just like his whole face his whole face is just on break dude it's
just like that was me
that was me yesterday i wasn't really oh i did a show in jersey and then it was
party time really
i mean it was mr cool no there's a new mr cool it's the king of the good times
really i was king
of good times what were you up to just bounce around chugging chugging beers
they had these uh
like octoberfest giant mugs yeah cool a cool glasses and i was like dude watch
this i'll chug this whole
thing and derosa was like no why would you do that i was like nobody can stop
me it was like three beers
that was like towards the end of it i was like it was it was so hard it was
terrible it was terrible
what kind of beer was this uh that was a miller light or bud light respectable
but it was fresh out
so it was freezing very carbonated cold bud light's good it is very delicious
but that's a tough chug
especially and there was pressure on i did it in front of the waitresses at the
staff so they knew
yeah so they'd be like that's a guy i would like to sleep with instant blow job
no uh but then all day dude yesterday that was that was one of my worst hangovers
in a while like a
strict bud light hangover yeah one shot no drugs no narcotics just say no pots
some cigs if you
actually yeah a lot of you wouldn't have as bad of a hangover bro that's a it's
a myth it's not
dude oh while you're hungover to get high no no no the night before as soon as
when you're drunk and
you're sitting there and you're just being like you know looking at one eye
just eat a bunch of
edibles just start just plugging them and just start smoking a bunch of weed
dude you wake up the next
morning you might wake up in the middle of the night extremely high and disoriented
be like that's
what happened i did that once you left that bag of gummies at that casino true
and i munched the
on the back and i woke up in outer space was that when you and our friend me
and our best friend
mecky who cannot be named he who backstabbed us and abandoned the cast
yeah that's when you guys woke up in utter darkness oh i forgot he was there
you guys were
in the afterlife totally woke up in a windowless hotel room completely pitch
dark stoned out of
your mind you might as well be in like another plane it was i forgot he was in
there and he was like
shade i was like oh yeah that's like you know from power rangers that guy's
head just appears and
starts talking yeah you were you guys were gordon dude what's that his name gordon
i think it's gordon
zordon zordon i was gonna say gordon it's zordon yeah my bad my bad i was busy
fucking ripping curls and shit when i was younger dude i don't remember the
names i don't remember
power rangers dude we uh oh i should tell this is actually kind of funny so we're
oh this here i part
part of me no i'm sorry um i'm sorry i apologize people say i shouldn't it is
indigenous people as
you know i noah is a friend of mine and he's one 16th true um sorry no i'm
sorry for talking to me
sorry about what we did no thanks for the fucking pad though sweet pad um
no this lady thought this this guy and his girl thought your plan worked smoke
a little weed you'll
feel a little better all right blacked out lady front row yeah did i tell you
this no this is
crazy front row blacked out first off before my show in connecticut a guy got
stabbed in the park
across the street bridgeport is hell you were warned that it's like a
motherfucker yes guy got
stabbed in the park like right before the show so there's cops and shit uh show
starts this this
couple in the front row is blacked out the dude seemed okay the girl was gone
yeah so right when i get on
stage they like stood up to leave and he first when they got up right away he
was like she's wasted
did that and i was like sweet and then he like tried to walk her out and she
walked straight back
into a wall she literally walked straight into a wall and it was just like holy
this lady's hammered
so they leave i asked her if she was trying to get on the hogwarts express not
a big deal
i mean that's the type of stuff i riff not a big deal but then they came back
in like five ten minutes
later and it was like what happened that you're back yeah like you're not gonna
be able to make
this i saw you can't walk and he was like gave her a little weed and i was just
like oh my god
that's like that is insane to be like oh you're blacked out here hit this blunt
we're gonna go back
in it works for me dude she hit the blunt yeah that she was sitting there i was
like you're gonna be so
sick like if if i was blacked out and someone was like smoke weed i'd be like
like the spins it'd be
the worst thing in the world so a minute later i'm talking i just looked down
and she's like
just throwing up straight down the front of her shirt jesus trying to like
pretend like she's not she
was like and she was chugging she was drinking sangria it was like this purple
mess that just
fell out oh that's a sad girl but she was in the front so no one else could see
it sure so it was
just me like holy shit that lady's throwing up like this is crazy and uh i was
just making fun of it i
mean trying to sneak and throw up in the front row like no one's looking at
just like well she was
probably pretty dressed up too she was because girls get pretty gussed up for
their gussied for the
comedy they always get outfit and you're just like oh no she didn't go in she
just literally was like
just straight just it like looked like someone just opened like a faucet and it
just just liquid
just fell out yeah it's what my baby does they just go like and they just spit
it was exactly like