Name: Ep 320 Horse Tail
Uploaded: 2020-10-20T22:42:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 320 Horse Tail' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 320 Horse Tail' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-20. Transcript available.

Ep 320 Horse Tail

oh man i love you guys so much i love you we're here dude i fucking love
everyone in this room
everyone listening breakfast yeah we did i like 12 o'clock is like the prime of
my day man
i feel great it's usually when i'm just waking up really yeah you just part in
the crust you just
part in the crust on your eyes another chance to be great every day i wake up
just like wow
another opportunity what time do you think kings woke up probably noon yeah you
think they woke up
at noon yeah i mean yeah definitely actually no back then probably everybody
woke up like
with the sun yeah like four or five in the morning yeah but yeah dude i uh
though what do i mean what
do i mean back then dude we still have kings we do kings today definitely wake
up at noon they're
just called billionaires yeah people are like i don't like them it's like
welcome to being a peasant
dude yeah we've hated them forever people who have all the money you're like
hey fuck that guy
it's fine they're just kings i want people to get into billionaires just being
like like forget the
politicians let's go straight to the billionaires and be like dudes what can we
do for you i'm a
mercenary what do you want me to do like surf them bring back pretending let's
stop throwing geezers up
against each other let's go straight to bezos straight to whoever else make yo
you guys have all
the money what do you want us to do just be honest that is fair you you're
ruling obviously ruling
this country i don't even think we need to ask i think they're just doing yeah
they're just telling
us yeah let's go ship packages we'll give you 16 bucks an hour benefits like
all right thanks sweet
appreciate that tweet we get some more vacation like no then we kill them
i need to go to sandals you motherfucker i need to go to mar-a-lago set fire to
his compound
and run in there
well it's got to be so hard to determine these guys now if you're a tech
billionaire set fire to a
compound and then just the whole squad running in is great yeah like i would
watch like uh watch like
any of those like embassy movies where they're like where people just storm an
embassy they all die
they all get like massive numbers of them get hit for sure like at the gate
like which is someone with
like a rubber machine gun that's what a general is a general is someone who can
find people who
they're like look guys here's the plan like you guys go in first all right and
then we'll be in
later yeah you go in there and get them you guys are gonna drop you off first
you're the true heroes
yeah and if you do it we'll send you to community college for free yeah
but it's great like all the time like in like black hawk down and all those
like it's just like a dude
running and like spraying an ak and then sprinting like just like wildly like
oh fuck uh yeah baby
big weekend oh dude huge weekend big weekend dude i'm fucking you're grinding
me out dude i'm
hurting healing we're oh yeah healing weekends kill me i don't know how you
even add partying to that
mix just for me staying up till 12 is enough to like completely fuck me up
helium weekend that's
thursday friday saturday and then we added a sunday show that was four that was
a four-day bender
dude yeah man yesterday was part it was party yesterday was a day of rest what'd
you do yes
where were you a complete day of rest me and beezer so you've been you've been
crashing at the
beezer's last night i did yeah i had a hotel and then last night oh i got you i
got you last night
living room at beezer's how's that sleep what's the sleep quality you're pretty
poor
yeah dude pretty poor so that didn't help but i did lay on the couch all day
true which was nice
that's not bad and that's nothing to the bees the bees is right there with you
true there's two
couches there's an l-shaped couch so me and the bees just laid up it's a
perfect setup from like
noon till fucking like 3 a.m it's crazy that is a perfect setup that house is
specifically like set
up like design wise for just two grown men to just recover from hangovers yes
all that's what it's
built for it is and it's like it's like there's no judgment zone it's no
judgment zone that's why
you don't want to come to my house you lay on the couch for 12 hours everyone's
like sweet nice
no i'm not going to your house having someone be like let's go for a walk or
something true no
you can you can stay on the third floor you can stay up on the third floor true
i could i would
just bring you a bowl of soup and water every like four hours that would be
incredible fucking
awesome man an iron mask jackson on your bed i could just be up in a tower
there's a tv up there
your next time just recoup dude just you'll just be left alone no i can't have
i can't have girl
energy true i cannot have girl energy yeah there's a lot of that there's a lot
of girl energy in my
house i need no women true kyla also stays in her chamber you keep it's like we
get cryogenically
frozen it's like we're space travelers
someone will move someone dorian will like stir through the house i'll be like
shut the fuck up
silence that silence him dude i had a uh i was taunt i just taunt the bj the
whole time though
do you really i think he's tired of me coming over literally he just lays down
like what are you doing
over there he's like fucking shut off and then i just start threatening him
with homosexual threats
i'm just like dude you better fucking start talking to me i'll come over there
and give
you a fucking oral cream pie i got threatening with oral cream pie he's just
sitting there like
ew dude he's on his phone i'm like shut the fuck up although bj does love every
fart true that's
something that's enjoyable because i was hitting him yesterday really hit him
out of the park and
every time he'd be like so not so much on the the threats of homosexual
violence but on the farts
he's like oh nice the threats of yeah sexual so i was threatening for for about
10 hours i threatened
to sexually assault everybody in the house i kept being like yo let's go in and
hold dorian down and
fuck his face well it's funny when you're hung over you are pretty horny i wasn't
horny enough to
take dorian you weren't horny enough to take down dirty deeds no i should have
taken the deeds down
though i could just go in forearm to the back prone bone choke him out with a
snake take a snake in
his fucking you should tie his wrist to the bed with his own constrictor true
then fucking have your
way i was thinking about giving him a fart cream pie just hold his mouth open
an oral fart cream pie
on dorian's wedding night you should do like the guy from brave menaca but just
fuck dorian
yeah i do have a prima nocta rule
damn a gay like duke must have been terrifying back then oh
can't even fuck your husband you can't have my wife and he's like pushing you
down
i told you you can't have my wife oh jesus christ
all right fine have me if you will but you won't have my wife
damn dude a gay duke taking prima nocto i think it's called prima nocto when
you fuck the husband
it's called primo nocto it's masculine sounding yeah the spanish language has
to get it together
with that dude that pisses me the fuck off how they have gendered language
fucking yeah it sickens
me hate that sickens they should go back they should cancel all the dead
languages dude latin
fucking bullshit it is bullshit we are pretty much canceling all the languages
though for sure the
rest of the world learns english pretty much and they fucking better dude
otherwise yeah otherwise you
can't do business true that when the american businessmen come yeah you better
pay respect and
speak their language pretty much funny is the rest of the they all all like
resent us for that
they're all like fucking idiots can't even understand our language we gotta
learn theirs it's like no you
have to learn ours true because we're the best true that it's like yeah don't
learn it dude yeah go
ahead don't learn it see what happens see if i care if you come to my country i'll
just angrily demand
that you speak english immediately i'm gonna hold you against the wall you
better speak it i'm not
taking your burger orders because you're not seeing it properly that was funny
when the cheesesteak place
took a stand on like he's like i know it'll be a good thing to drum up business
and he was like
goddamn mexicans and they're just like oh fuck shit backfire that whole area he's
in it was the
italian market and now it's they call it the mexican market because it was just
it's just mexicans down
there with like little tiendas and stuff nice and i still throw that in a
little vocab i heard it so
yeah the italian market easily the taquerias dude the mexican market crushes
the italian market
sorry i gotta say it yeah i don't i mean that's that's just market is just like
i got some fish
oh it's like a sausage shop which you know pretty tight but dude the mexican
dudes came in like yeah
we'll make you a birthday cake for like 120th of the fucking price i think i
was just trying
yeah the pastelria bro come on i am i'm full support of the mexican the mexican
mart
you've been you've been a supporter i remember you used to drive down there and
get
tacos pretty consistent i've been lads over goomba since day one
i i'm incomplete agreement couldn't agree more lads are so much better than
fucking goombas
goombas stink goombas are like mean true the lads are like they're just humble
as hell hard working
they're the best yeah the problem with you get an italian dude and he tries to
like gamora his way
to the top of every like phone calling place he's like hey what do i gotta do
around here yeah so the
cheesetake guy just put up a sign one day right that was just like you better
speak english yeah
yeah he's also addicted they were dicks if you would go down there there was
like a very specific
language you'd be like i need like which one was it i think it was genus genus
it was genus i think
his son got in trouble too about that something i i think i knew his remember
was his son that came
to one of them came through and was like hooking up oh yeah he's i think it was
geno maybe it was
genus son pass yeah it might have been geno jr whoever the like soft he looks
like he's a character
on like pawn stars yeah that's me dude oh that was tl yeah i think they all i
think during it was
voss's weekend and like two different two different cheesesteak warlords i
think i think it's not even
like you could have like an impeccable diet voss didn't know why they were
coming like he wasn't
like boys with them yeah two different cheese like famous philly cheesesteak
dudes came through would
come in the green room and then the second guy that came through voss is like
he just like was
standing next to me and he was like what the hell are all these guys coming in
here he wasn't like
excited well if you own a cheesesteak place you can have like the best diet in
the world but just
being around the production of cheesesteaks and the grease and the fryers it
will immediately
just devolve you into a pawn star you have you'll get you'll lose your top hair
and your hair will
just grow long in the back you become a pawn star that's what happens it's like
a hog it's like a pig
that goes wild after like 24 hours you grow tusks oh yeah that's nuts yeah dude
you just lose
weight you get like one gold two they gain the pawn stars it's either fat or
skinny there's no middle
true either you're like organs start to fail and like your body doesn't accept
your body just passes
fat straight through your intestines but yeah dude they those dudes man if you're
around like a fryer
like that all the time it fucks you up dude if you if i weren't to i mean it'd
be impossible not to
just munch cheese that's the other thing dude yeah dude fries fresh out of a fryer
best and the fries
dude you're eating a fry a minute every single day you're like walking by we
gotta get these mexicans
out of here right just keep fucking munching fries could barely understand that
guy