Name: Ep 321 Shrek 1
Uploaded: 2020-10-28T03:27:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 321 Shrek 1' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 321 Shrek 1' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-28. Transcript available.

Ep 321 Shrek 1

god damn dude we're back wow wow what what a weekend what a weekend bro
unbelievable you
were mr texas nah old longhorn matt come on man dude i've never that was like
that was like a duck
in water dude it was like having a i mean yeah it kind of was probably for you
like having like an
old road guide there like an old ranch hand he pulled up there's some old ranch
hand he already
knew the land oh it was crazy first time down here first time in texas i was
like no i was here last
month i mean dude i was here the whole time i was down the whole time i was
here 20 years ago i know
the lay of the land the whole time i was there i didn't stop squinting yeah you
guys that's the
texas sun down oh dude actually there was no texas sun we got down there it was
fucking freezing dude
yeah it was cold and rainy the whole time cold as hell colder than hell colder
than hell dude god
i never goddamn sweatshirt we're just two texas boys now true man we're out
basically it was just us if
you ever if you don't you know if you want to see what we're up to just watch
that uh that was that
one movie hell or high water hell or high water that was pretty much me watch
the scene where the
two guys wrestle on a farm that's pretty much what we did that's all we did
except in a hotel room
yeah in dallas in a city we're just just two texas boys wrestling yeah dude
that was that was a
fucking sick weekend that was awesome that was awesome that barbecue oh man
yeah that was a lot
wow that was uh that was actually i think you were right that was kind of ill-advised
before the show
yeah like we'll just eat a bunch of barbecue take a nap that first dude i was
sleeping i saw you i was
sleeping that first that shrek one shrek one that first show on uh on saturday
i was definitely
sleeping at i was too yeah low energy yes and pot dude we ate like a painful
amount of barbecue and
then slept until showtime like until like 20 minutes to walk down you snoozed
your alarm until
the place was walking distance so show was at seven you snoozed i think your
last alarm was 6 30
snoozed twice yeah shrek two i'm more of a shrek typically i'm a shrek one
i'm not gonna ever explain what that means good never you should never do it
yeah also are you
gonna start plugging the shows up front oh yeah fuck well now i now i don't
remember
oh man i wasn't prepared thank you good damn what a memory i mean uh we got we
got a big one coming
one week from today live election night at helium comedy club we're gonna do a
uh you know we're
gonna do an end of the world we're just gonna copy we're gonna do what every
single other comedian
is gonna do on election night which is a live podcast but we only have heavy
hitters true true hitters
yeah we have a nice mix too we have we have some democrats we have two
democrats track two democrats
i'm green party you're green i'll be representing green party i'm gonna
represent uh green party
are you too nice it'll be a full model u.n nobody's gonna rep well i know i
know two guys that'll
probably rep the republicans hopefully warm out shows up that'd be tight if we
can get them if we
can secure warm out that'd be big if not you know we can get some i think uh
who else would be a
republican sid sid sid the kid of course the kid would be it's good to get some
black republicans
lamare lee black republicans nope lamare lee's a democrat are you a dem yeah he
believes in covid
he's a dem oh i'm not a i'm a i'm a part of the n fact now they're not fucking
around coalition
nice back we're black cons what's what's the uh what are you guys after you
know just equal rights
for black people change what's that all right you know systematic change but
not messing with the
democrats no gotcha sick pretty cool people on youtube are youtube comments
already coming at
lamare yo comment below if you're fucking sick of lamare derailing every single
show comment
yeah texas texas ruled i will say this i've never been to a state where more
people are up their
own ass about where they live new jersey is pretty close true new jersey is
very much
new jersey and texas new jersey it is it's new jersey people from new jersey we
do things a little
different here it's jersey sorry you don't like my attitude it's like you're
just driving drunk like
an asshole yeah yeah you just drive like a piece of shit sorry that's just
jersey baby yeah dude it is
god damn i just drove through jersey all day i do dislike jersey no yeah you
know it's two hours come on
still that's that's enough that's enough it's enough jersey yeah jersey drivers
pride themselves on
driving fast as fuck and they're if you like they're they're very serious about
using a left lane
strictly for speeding going like 100 exactly they think it's the autobahn they
live in new jersey and
they think it's it's like no dude you'll definitely i will say though i lived
in jersey for i think two
years if you have jersey plates they don't pull you over that much i would
really be dude i would you know i
mean you know i was on 80 in my shitty car with bad struts but like i know
people who drive out of
state and they get pulled over like crazy yeah so that that's like a huge
jersey a couple times
huge source of jersey revenue is out of state plates beach season snagging
people oh dude all those
highways they call them like safety zones they'll be like oh we're doing
construction seven miles up
from here so like for this 10 mile stretch yeah it's like 45 it's a triple yeah
and they'll be like
and it's triple penalty it's fucking bullshit dude yo triple pen yeah jersey
jersey's on some bullshit
yeah i mean their leadership obviously failed them dude one chris christie hate
chris christie
can't stand chris christie dude groveling fucking yellow belly dude i can't he
was yellow him and
fucking ted cruz both yellow yellow as hell dude ted dude he fully kissed the
ring and then now he's on
abc being like i don't know what he's doing it's like dude i don't care have
your opinion but he's a
fucking yellow belly yeah they're yellow i mean oh dude bernie sanders now we're
from texas dude
true oh we hate yellow bellies disgusting i also dude if any of them were like
if bernie sanders had
when he was supposed to kiss the ring wwe style it was like fuck this bullshit
i'm out people would
have been like oh my god this is awesome yeah like what what what do they have
on these guys so funny
for him to kiss the ring twice and the second time everyone was like what
obviously the first ring
kiss was bad he got worked against he got worked against you know allegedly no
no no it was totally
true pretty yeah so they got no it's been leaked so they know the emails were
there that the dnc was
like we got to get rid of this guy yeah so that was real all right i'm very i'm
not aware of that
everyone's highly proper that one's real but because russia found it it doesn't
count is that how it
worked yeah the yeah they were like the left was like well who cares about that
yeah what matters is who
found this email and we think it was the russians so that's who we need to
focus on not the fact that
we're not even listening to voters we're just picking who we want well it's
also it is funny
which i think actually they can do what uh i think a political party can just
be like no this is who
we're running oh for sure i don't know i mean that's what they did no they can't
but it's like
a magic trick it has to have everyone has to be convinced that like they did it
they're like yeah
this is yeah yeah well that that's what they did this year where they had all
the other major like
mainstream candidates drop out the same day yeah so that everybody voted for biden
versus
yeah i know burn dog i noticed how they all were like i'm the person and all of
a sudden they're like
nah i'm cool yeah all of us are going to drop out at the same time but all
right p bernie yeah dude
yeah he kissed the ring but i can't when i see chris christie i never only ever
watch abc when my
wife's parents are over or so they'll like come over and they'll put on abc or
whatever fucking
i forget what channel he's on he just sits there like a fucking toad he is just
like yeah i agree
from a republican standpoint it's like dude shut up you fucking bitch he kissed
the ring to
covet dude he was yellow to covet he was like i shouldn't have been at that
party covet's very real
he was like yo i'm going to this party mask off chilling he got coveted and
instantly was like
it's very serious he kissed the ring dude he's yellow he talks shit until he
gets fucking whipped and then he immediately is like i'm with whoever just beat
me
he's like a stray dog he is he's just loyal to his abuser
yeah now he worships covid now he's out campaigning for covid
yeah is he a republican yeah i think he's a mole i think it's pretty clearly he's
working
he's clearly working for covid
don't talk about my fucking uh don't you dare make fun of my disease
don't talk about my former new jersey governor dude true how dare you i would
never besmirch the
garden state god damn it dude yeah yeah jersey i'm telling you i uh oh wait
hold on now before i
forget now that we're talking politics i do have to retract my affinity for
comey on showtime
all right let me explain as i just criticized them for being yellow and turning
on their own
opinions this is a true opinion i was hung over laid upon laid up in beezer's
lair true so i wasn't
exactly all there i was emotional
and i thought it was pretty good and then uh i got home my my roommates were
watching it in new york
and i just sat there and i was like oh fuck i was way wrong about this but it
was too late i
couldn't get my opinion back out true i couldn't be like look i made a mistake
two hours ago i had to
wait a full week to be like yo that shit sucked i apologize i was i was
enjoying seeing trump
even but then i watched a regular trump interview and i was like oh yeah trump's
not this
yeah like it was brendan gleason's version of him was like
like very like evil and then i saw a trump clip and i'm like oh yeah i forgot i
thought he's great
so you saw the real deal and you're like this is the least racist person in the
room as soon as i saw
him say he was the least racist person in the room i was like what was i
thinking that's such a wild
fucking take it is funny though because like if you do get accused of racism
like that
you can't there's nothing you can say there's nothing you can point to and be
like no i'm not
i know you can all you can do is trump out and be like i'm literally the least
racist person here
i mean dude it's a sick i'm the least racist person i know i'll tell you the
least racist person i know
right now is chelsea handler true do you see her little thing with 50 cent no
but i remember seeing
her show least racist person she did a whole show about like confronting her
white guilt okay so
dude she goes to a she goes to a spoken word like a poet jam and then asked to
speak at the end
and it's like i just want you to know that i'm sorry it's a bunch of black
people like
what the fuck uh i think somebody even criticizes her on that which good for
them she's like oh yes
thank you yeah she's like true this is actually true speaking of love being admonished
and whipped
dude well she apparently must be i guess her uh white privilege special gave
her the necessary
powers to remind 50 cent that he's black and should vote democrat oh she did
that publicly yeah he was
like fuck this dude 60 percent i'm not paying this shit this is bullshit and
she was like i had to
remind 50 cent he was black which you know maybe she's kidding but it's like no
one on earth needs to
remind 50 cent that he's black dude it's literally like if if you wanted to
pick the blackest dude on
earth maybe it's 50 cent floyd mate and they're naturally they're at odds mayweather
and 50 center
they're boys but they beef they're highlanders dude they want to be there only
could be one
blackest person on earth dude so they hate each other mayweather's t