Name: Ep 324 DRENCHED
Uploaded: 2020-11-19T01:17:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 324 DRENCHED' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 324 DRENCHED' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-19. Transcript available.

Ep 324 DRENCHED

youtube reddit and one instagramer did you just say go we on
we swag surfing i think we're swag surfing hell yeah dude youtube is correct
about him
they want him out i just keep laughing about like because i get very rarely but
i'll get like a
message it'll make it all the way to my instagram a lot of the bullshit like
doesn't get filtered
to my instagram that's like my little happy place online for the most part
every now and again people
like you're a fucking bitch yeah yeah but someone came through and was like
seriously he fucking
sucks i'm just like just imagining someone at their job and like what happened
to that oil
change and there's like singing about that guy ruining this sorry there's a guy
named la mare
ruining everything get home to a bag of like cheetos and you're like who the
why are these
things all pulverized like the guy was just fucking in the back like fuck fuck
so spicy chilies just a
purple the purple bag of treats oh yeah spicy they're the best shout out to
them yeah shout
out to snacks in general shout out to snacks and the essential workers stocking
snacks the essential
workers people don't ever talk about the guy stocking snacks it's all medical
medical or it's like dude
what about the guy who goes to the grocery store at 3 a.m and it's just like
fucking putting up our
chips exactly chips we need our crisps those that cheese that somehow is good
yeah just cheese just
under non-refrigerated cheese that stays good for four years we need that mm-hmm
that'll get us
through what's going on dude how are you chilling dude uh welcome to this undisclosed
location in
maryland we had to leave the state of pennsylvania because we couldn't legally
operate yes we're not in
pennsylvania unless we unless we be some because it's member it's like very
feudal it's like it has to be a
member of your like household or i think clan i think you were on the last
lease i signed
technically it's true so so we are house we can legally you know legally talk
yes and i think if
we i think if you guys get baptized in the christian faith you're allowed in my
house for like 72 hours
without a mask
yeah what's the rule on that uh so i think it's like so if you're like within
your household
yeah um you cannot have a you you can you're allowed the government's allowing
you not to have a
mask on your face while you're in your household with your family but if like
somebody like a uh
like some sort of gentile or something like some kind of just like you know
wandering person who
wasn't part of your kin is to come in everyone has to mask up in that in the
stranger's presence
i actually like that it's a pretty tight dude it's respectful it is it is
respectful dude it's more of an
honor thing not the virus true it's more just cover your face around strangers
just dude it's getting
to the point where it's like yeah dude i mean it's it's starting to hit the
point i had i had a really
uh i was actually trying to like i was dealing with like trying to like
distance myself from my
judgments this weekend because i was i was at home and like i forget what i was
watching i was just
like dude people just want to fucking wear hijabs at this point it was like so
i hear this thought
comes through my head i got hit i got hit with uh you know i got a hit with a
phone call of you
complaining about coronavirus and i was just like i was well it sucked because
i was playing a video
game and you were trying to bitch about coronavirus and i was just like i don't
know man a couple
weeks lockdown couldn't be so bad you know fuck this the government's trying to
control us i was like
i'll take it for now yeah i got hit with the nego well it was good because i
was like britney's all
excited she's going to the gym she's doing all this stuff and then like they
were like oh yeah we're
closing all the gyms down again and so she's like what am i gonna do and it's
like just go like
five minutes to another county but you know she's like oh so the government's
messing with your bae
they're playing games with you messing my bae up and it's like just let people
go to the gym if you
want to go to the gym go to the fucking gym government's treading on everybody's
baes and then
you're trapped in the house with them so the government's like no you can't go
i gotta watch
kenny's fucking ass be like well people are done it's like dude fucking jerk
everybody hates mayors
oh they are the ones being well mayors of every city de blasio everybody hates
fucking rogan
crushes the la dude he crushes them every episode that guy got in trouble was
it the mayor or was it
the governor of california who got caught at a french law i thought it was the
mayor of la who was
the mayor who was the guy that just got caught at french laundry he went to
that like super expensive
i don't even know what's a french french laundry is this restaurant i think it's
in napa and it's
like it's like one of those things where like it's like 500 bucks but something
crazy so like the guy
went on tv apparently it's you know at some point before i was like people need
to get smart people
need to do what they got to do it sucks you can't go see your loved ones and
like someone called him
at like a 12 person restaurant thing at like a 500 plate restaurant yeah and he's
like i regret that
very much i'm very sorry but everything you know everything does get
sensationalized but i was
watching um whatchamacallit i was watching mayor kenny hit the news and there's
one thing to be like
hey man like what the fuck if he was just like dude what the fuck do you want
me to do man i don't i
don't know what the fuck's going on but he just came out and was just like some
guy was like what
do you say to all the people who are like losing their jobs and like their
businesses are getting
shut down he's like i would say that like um people are dying like literally
like uh maybe it's a big
people die and it was like dude can you stop talking like a 19 year old chick
well it sucks
mayor yeah it sucks when political when politicians start acting like their
supporters yes like back
when like w would be like jesus christ like he would just turn into that guy so
now the democrats are
like actually during interviews it's pretty funny i mean dude it was like he
was hitting he was he that
was his response to basically like all he had to do is be like i feel really
badly about he was like
well yeah but people are dying so like uh whatever and then you know again in
so many words and then uh
and then someone asked him about like what like churches and he was like i mean
yeah churches are
open i guess but i mean god can hear you from your house so he's getting
fucking snippy dude he went
he went lutheran yeah he was getting snippy little martin luther on yeah just
like wait was that no
luther had churches he had a lot of attitude and i'm like dude could you spare
the attitude yeah drop the
attitude warn me with a t-shirt so i know that you can't even right now he
couldn't even at all
during the press he didn't have his coffee at least oh dude don't even he did
not have his coffee
he couldn't even he shouldn't have been on the air i mean i need to see like a
grumpy cat warning
i need to see sorry sarcasm is my first language
yeah true sarcasm yeah dude for real it was politicians should wear meme shirts
from the early
2000s they have to if they're going to talk like that yeah what all dude i had
this theory last
night i paused my game for this theory like uh ladies and gentlemen we killed
osama vidlock
pause my game come on no dude he uh he paused his game hard he didn't have his
game did not have
his coffee he spoke fluent sarcasm attitude man it was like dude i don't know
it was just it was
watching it was just like this is fucking so stupid but the uh yeah but i
started thinking about it
because you know there's definitely you know trump like had his mode of
operating that like
politicians like oh i can just be a fucking dick yeah we're like yeah polls
well yeah it works well
people like it's like authentic if you're a dick or you know if you if you act
kind of like bullish i
guess yeah but not like sassy he was sad like he was sassy dude oh sorry you
can't go to thanksgiving
this year people are dying dude literally he was like oh yeah people's business
well i would say to
that is uh i feel worse about people dying next question it's like dude what
the fuck but but
yeah man it goes back to the idea of like so you know we have the news the news
are is a for-profit
company so it's like you know it's supposed to be giving us people act like the
news i've talked
about 100 times it's supposed to be like you're kind of like you know like all
right let's see what's
going let's like tune into reality but it's like your information is being kind
of distorted by like
what's profitable and not profitable not like what's true if that makes sense
yeah and there i've read
this thing about um i think pulitzer was the guy news used to just be like like
c-span pulitzer
pulitzer yeah yeah if you want to be a real cunt you say pulitzer not pulitzer
i have a pulitzer
pulitzer yeah he pull it pulitzer whatever his name is he uh pulitzer dude news
was just like
you know how boring the wall street journal is it was like yeah it's very it's
just like very cut
and dry like here's what happened i don't think i've ever i've seen it i've
seen i've
tried i don't think i've seen words within it i've seen the wall street journal
at the top
i've never seen one word in the wall street journal is there like the print
like don't they use like
five fonts it's pretty small and i feel like it has like boring dude i remember
when i worked in an
office my neighbor was subscribed to the wall street journal and i would steal
it and bring it into
my office i'd read one page like this sucks yeah it's so boring but that's how
all the news was
would you like read it to be like all right today's the day i'm gonna i wanted
to go i want to be a
wall street journal guy exactly and then first paragraph you're like what the
fuck is that word
like three you gotta read the paragraph three different times it's just like a
front page story
about like uh some small country in the middle east's like stock market someone
shorts their
mark and you're just like four lines down you're like ah jesus christ that's so
fucking boring yeah
i mean it happens to me every time i try to read yeah you start reading that
paragraph and you're
like all right there's a country i've never heard of yeah i gotta place it
mentally i gotta figure
like just that's not even a question you're doing the math of like what's in
that yeah that's as far
as i'm concerned that's like you step into a wardrobe and come out into a
magical i'm like i don't
know what that is some guys come out like i swear to god what the fuck is my
drug probably wants to
read it i'm just like this will look cool if i bring this in the office yeah i'll
look cool if
i just hold it out and i'm like like damn i gotta read the journal fast
checking the stocks but
that's how the news was it was just like just really cutting it was just like
what was going
on within institutions and uh where were you when you read the wall street
where i worked in an
office i worked at this real estate place where you would like you were at a
real estate office i
would call yeah i would call people who own apartment complexes in kansas city
and be like
hey uh i saw your your complex there are you guys interested in selling and
they're like
what color is the what color is the exterior i'm like fuck you fuck you bitch i'll
fucking kill you
uh hold on though i try to pull up good guys like you fucking liar yeah i would
try to call people and
then if they were interested be like uh we're gonna we're offering six million
dollars below what
you guys would take and they're like fuck you man yeah it's funny it's funny
both you and i give
scam calls like problems when they call us i worked i do the same thing with
cars
at this car