Name: ep 325 Defending our Democracy
Uploaded: 2020-11-25T00:51:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 325 Defending our Democracy' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 325 Defending our Democracy' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-25. Transcript available.

ep 325 Defending our Democracy

We're live, dude.
Booyah, Kasha.
Man, I'm tired from defending my democracy.
I've been doing it all day.
I can't see.
I'm tired of just everybody, dude.
Our democracy is fragile right now.
Are you kidding me, dude?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who challenged?
Are you serious?
I'm sorry.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry.
I didn't even think about how fragile our democracy was.
Dude, I'm trying to defend our fragile democracy, dude.
I'm trying to keep this system together where I can be told to stay inside.
Our democracy is so fragile.
What we need is war hawks and corporate interests in the Oval Office.
For sure, dude.
Our democracy has never been more fragile.
Biden released his cabinet today, and it was like.
Was it tough?
Uh-oh.
Yeah.
They're trying to get us right back into Afghanistan, dude.
They're already starting to be like, dude, we can't leave those motherfuckers.
Look, we hate racism.
Dude, we can't leave brown people by themselves.
They're going to kill each other.
It's fun times.
That's essentially the argument.
Who was trying to destabilize it that you defended it from, and how did you
defend it?
I saw a cartoon today in The Economist, which was like a lady with a.
Why are you reading The Economist?
I get it to my house all the time, dude.
This lady is a political cartoon.
First of all, political cartoons are probably the worst thing.
They fucking suck.
But there's this lady, at least the ones that make it to major publications.
They were like the first, they were just the first memes.
Yeah, for real.
They were back in like, dude, if you got a meme in 1800, you were like, Abraham
Lincoln's
There's a snake in this.
Hilarious.
You didn't really just hate him?
You're like, I hate this guy.
Yeah, this is a great picture.
Yeah, there's a lady.
It says like Hong Kong, and there's a lady like, pretty racist, fighting off a
dragon,
blowing fire on her.
It's like the Chinese Communist Party, yeah.
I think now that Biden's in office, white people with money are like, now, we
can, you
know.
We can go back.
We can be a little more racist.
We can let it out now.
Yeah, true.
They're on their best behavior for a while.
But yeah, so now, dude, so there's like a dragon breathing fire on a Hong Kong
woman
shielding it off and be like, hello, America, are you there?
And they were like, we're busy defending our democracy, and Trump was like,
lighting a thing
on fire.
But yeah, it started making me laugh.
It's like, you know, our awesome democracy, where we get to say whether or not
we can
work right now.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Yeah, baby.
It's like, yeah, we're defending our democracy.
In the meanwhile, you can't go to the gym, and apparently you can't buy alcohol
before
Thanksgiving in Pennsylvania.
I mean, dude, it's getting fucking weird.
They shut down our booze?
Dude, and then I'm reading the, you know, again, I'm reading The Economist, and
they're
like, basically making a case for, you know, who's making a big comeback again?
The Taliban.
They're doing the same shit.
They're being like, well, you know, the Afghanistan government kind of sucks.
And the Taliban does a decent job.
Yeah.
Doing what they do.
They'd been doing that since Obama.
Yeah, but now they're firing it, right?
Because, dude, remember we were like, what's up with the Taliban?
We don't care about that anymore?
Yeah.
And they're firing it.
As soon as he's back, they're firing that stuff back up.
And they're also, the whole article's like, you know, how they're like these,
you know,
they bring resolution to these issues, and they make sure people can drive
stuff.
The guy was like, you know, it's like the roads are more secure.
They drive like gasoline or something, or I think like cooking gas.
And he's like, the roads are way more secure now that we just pay the Taliban.
He's like, you know, I mean, the Taliban, we're the ones shooting stinger
missiles at us.
So they do this whole case for it.
At the end, there's a lady from like a city who was like, yeah, I really hope
the Taliban
doesn't come here because like, I won't be able to go outside my house again,
and I won't
be able to be a scientist anymore.
They're like, well, yeah, there's that.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, there are some downsides.
Yeah, they were letting the Taliban back for a long time.
Like Hillary Clinton, like met with, like, they had meetings, I believe.
There's like pictures.
Yeah, they did a photo shoot in The Economist.
I don't know if it's the Taliban or not, but there's definitely dudes wearing
like religious
garb holding guns.
So I'd figure the Afghani, like army wearing uniforms.
But yeah, dude, it was, that was pretty funny watching that today.
And then it was just kind of like, you know, it's, the shit's fucking nuts, man.
Between that and the stuff about China, it's like, you don't know whether or
not China is
like a big threat or not.
They're hyping us up on China right now.
And I was reading like a different, like, the whole idea that China is like a,
it is a
communist party, but within this, they're like the communist party.
They allow companies to compete with one another as long as they hand over the
surveillance
goods.
So they're trying to say like, you know, like, I think the market cap for
American tech
companies is like $6 trillion if you can find like Apple, Google, you know,
whatever, Microsoft
and a couple other ones.
And they were saying like, yeah, China's not far behind, but they could, they
could, you
know, what they're like capitalist, communist economy.
They could fight.
Is this all the economist stuff?
Yeah.
It's like, it's not even a real, it's not a real thing, dude.
You're telling me, you know, it's just, it's just funny.
They have that and they're like, you know, but in America, we don't share
surveillance
with the government.
It's like, we do that too.
We do the same thing.
Yeah.
But either way.
Sweet.
Sorry.
Just telling me about the economist.
Just a bunch of bullshit, dude.
It's just so funny how people read that stuff.
I'm like, yeah, we don't do that.
And it's like, literally, that's what all of our tech companies, we do the same
exact
thing.
But either way.
Yeah.
That's what.
Just a ramble.
But the, you know, the idea of defending our democracy.
I was like, yeah.
Are you just telling me what you read in the economist?
I mean, you know, a couple, I, you know, the market cap.
Yeah.
Obviously I pulled that.
Yeah.
I was like, wait, as soon as you, you can rewind the tape and watch it.
As soon as you said market tape or market cap, I was like, there was literally
a part of
me that was like, sorry, I'm really well hydrated right now.
Get rid of that bottle.
Really well hydrated.
That bottle's crap, dude.
He's carrying the top.
If you can't, if you're just listening, Matt's carrying around a green, like,
water cooler
top.
Dude, what's wrong with that?
You hate me being hydrated.
You hate me being informed.
I don't hate you being informed.
I'm glad you're informed.
I go through too much plastic.
I should get one of those bottles.
I crush bottles.
Oh, dude.
I, it was disgusting what I was doing in my house with the way I buy the cases
of water
and just crush them up.
The thing I'm trying to stop doing right now, other than just reading the
economist and
telling him smart in five minutes.
You gotta stop, dude.
That's a tough open.
I know.
That's like, I mean, I listen to NPR on the way here and it's so bad, dude.
That's the point.
It's like, I'm watching like the stuff that's supposed to be like the top of
the top.
And I'm like, this is fucking bullshit.
Yeah.
This is all fucking bullshit.
So it's on, on Spotify, you hit your daily drive and it just plays the same
five songs
you always listen to amongst like news stories.
And it always starts with like an up to the, probably every two, three hours
update on NPR.
And they all have the most, we've talked about before, the most ridiculous
names you've
ever heard.
Like I'm Winslow, like just bullshit names.
And then the lady had like an attitude about Trump.
Like normally they're very, like, they have the same tone every single time,
but this lady
like broke it and was like, Donald Trump still won't give up.
I'm like, oh shit.
A little fucking snippy out of the NPR lady.
Damn, dude.
Meanwhile, they report on like literally atrocities with the same monotone.
Like 48 other students were murdered in the Nigerian university as Muslim
extremists scaled
the walls.
And Donald Trump still won't even do what I want him to do.
I was like, wait, what?
Oh, it's fucking bullshit.
I, it's, I mean, I listened to it cause it, you know, it does give me the news,
but you
got to get through the lens of, you get the news through a lens of just people
like, I'm
sorry.
Well, the funniest thing about that is like, you know, with all the COVID shit,
they're
like, like Kenny was, they're like, what do you say to people who like, can't
go to work
and like, fuck basically people are dying and I put life over the economy.
And it's like, all right.
And again, if I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
But like, I'm pretty sure another thing I read said that this will push like at
least
a hundred million people into like extreme poverty.
So, you know, a hundred million people, extreme poverty, you could say at least
a million people
are going to die of starvation, you know, conservatively.
So I'm like, we value life.
It's like, well, if you value life so much, you know, wouldn't you?
No, I don't, a million, you mean a hundred million people globally pushed into
extreme poverty.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They were talking about like famines that are going to come out of us.
Yeah.
I mean, so you can at least say, so, you know, here's the thing.
It's like, okay, I value life over the economy.
Okay.
It's time for the rest of the world to get in shape.
You think so?
Yeah, dude.
We took a nap.
You think the third world has too much diabetes?
The US took a nap for a year and now everybody's starving.
Meanwhile, I'm high on the hog back home.
Dude, I had a bowl of tricks last night at 1 a.m.
Did you really?
It's crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It is tight.
Just eating to the point of like a problem where you're like, ah,
God damn it.
I shouldn't have had that.
I shouldn't have had that.
You get hurt before bed.
I was, dude, I was not wrong about the industry.
Since I, since I announced the Lena Duncombe show, that was actually good.
I was wondering.
I saw the commercial.
It's good, bro.
Is it good?
I watched the next two episodes.
Dude, I saw the commercial for that.
I'm into it.
I was like, there's no way you're watching this.
I saw the commercial.
I'm into it.
Oh my God.
That fucking, there must've been DMT in that Rice Krispie treat.
No, I'm into it.
No, it wasn't just that.
I'm into all of them.
Good.
Every episode.
I like it.
Dude, what I'm trying to-
What it takes, though, is just synth.
You know, synth, the music, like-
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
It's all it takes.
If that's playing in the background of any-
Like, I'm literally just watching people work in an office.
Yeah.
That's the show.
But there's synth in the background, so I'm like, this is fucking awesome.
So, there's like sinister aspects of the office, or what's the synth kind of
communicating?
The synth.
Am I saying that?
Like a synthesizer.
Like the 80s music.
Yeah, exactly.
That's all it takes.
Oh, so it's like-
Yeah, like cool fucking music, dude.
I thought you were talking about like a-
No, no, not like ominous organ music.
No.
No, it's like, yeah, it's like Stranger Things had it in the intro.
That type of music.
Just give me that.
I don't care what the show is.
This is literally a Lena Duncombe show about people working-
Although, she doesn't have anything to do with it, really.
She's just like a-
I think she directed the first episode.
Okay.
And that was it.
But, show rules.
First episode might have been the best episode, dude.
Give me the-
Duncombe's rules, dude.
Duncombe's slap, dude.
Duncombe's-
Yo, you get bought into the industry long enough, you actually get some talent,
and Duncombe's
has it.
Yo