Name: Ep 326- Before and Afters
Uploaded: 2020-12-02T16:06:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 326- Before and Afters' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 326- Before and Afters' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-02. Transcript available.

Ep 326- Before and Afters

this is a mistake big bill baby we woke him up i need t-shirts that are large
but xl sleeves
swear to god you think so yeah i think let me see that let me see that balkan
that's not bad
dude definition all natural i mean i just woke up are you talking about
building your body a little
yeah summer 2021 you're gonna get shredded me you're gonna get shredded you're
gonna dry out
or what i'm gonna dry out the whole nine me and shane yeah you guys want to dry
out yeah i'm
drying out right now i'm gonna get jacked dude i'm telling you it's the only
move it's the only
thing that makes sense anymore to get as ripped and jacked summer 21 is is mine
actually i regret
to inform you 21 has become mine share it i'll give you a taste but summer 21 i
mean a few weeks
back i already cleaned that summer i remember you claimed summer i regret to
inform you summer 2021
is mine yeah i texas spade this morning at about five o'clock my favorite thing
to do is steal
somebody's bid on the air before they get to say yeah texas spade this morning
the pump is non-fiction
we talk but you go so you go to a patriot gym oh yeah no man how'd you how'd
you find this huh
how'd you find this thing hey man we find each other you went down there and
you saw i was driving
a truck in the morning and the windows are tinted during the day said the
lights were on and when
i was driving by i saw inside that you found some like what did you see in
there no mask it's all
guys with no mask wearing it's all guys you guys actually a girl was all guys
working out you guys
want to do i'm not trying to see your game i don't know at all i'm saying you
saw dudes all men working
out you pulled it you said you slammed on the brakes oh you hit those that's
what those trucks are for
those jake breaks and then you fucking pulled in this is funny happy time you
saw some i come from
a long i come from a long line of bodybuilders matt didn't spade do something
to you once what do
you mean you're my picture my before and afters dude what's wrong happened what's
wrong before and
after what did he do what happened though i took before and afters dude he got
my he got he got his
hands on my befores dude i never would you ever take befores to track my gains
dude well i was i was
bulking i was gonna cut down so these before and afters gonna be sick so you
had befores but this
was personal and it wasn't just befores but i was like dude how old were you i
was in college i was
like 20 23 in my underwear rolled up so why were you doing this oh my god what
why were you doing
it though to measure my gains just for yourself no i was doing it with west i
was doing with west and he
was like we have to measure it i was like yeah dude obviously we gotta see what
we're getting
i mean i don't know why you're bringing sexuality you guys are you pulling over
you see the guys there
how are these levels looking in there we're gonna have to delete this we're
gonna have to check these
no this is fine no please i think it's fine well man how's the levels looking
get off the goddamn
candy crush are you playing candy crush right now is that what's happening what
are you doing
what are you doing over there yeah crushing candy how to make ground orange
chicken jesus that seems
like it could definitely wait what that seems like it could wait yeah for sure
that feels like
something that should wait and i'm just that sounds like something that must
wait okay yeah that must
i've been watching the industry i might have to call you into a meeting true
dress you down a little
so bill you're driving the truck you saw a bunch of guys in there take no
problem dude you're the one
who put this weird spin on you saw guys taking afters you saw some afters i
just woke up you guys
told me come upstairs now i saw i saw a lot of like-minded individuals go yeah
into a gym and i was
like wow that's weird no mess maybe it's private or something like that the guy
said no i just don't
really care about that stuff hell yeah i agree with him because there's a very
small number of
covid deaths from gyms i can see that's true obviously everyone's in shape
because yeah because
everyone's in shape most people go to the gym most people who go to the gyms or
go to the gym or in
shape yeah so covid mainly affects people who haven't gone to the gym in a
while guys with the befores
so you took before an action bodybuilding pictures yeah dude my mom thought i
was on steroids dude i
was fucking yoked you weren't i was fucking yoked you were just real emotional
what are you kidding
me dude you're having spaz attacks when when i have a spaz attack when you were
when mom thought
you're on steroids it was anytime i have protein powder anywhere near me she's
gotta that made matt
are you talking about the time i cried when i overdrafted my credit card dude i
tell you about
when i ran away from home at like 21 why i overdrafted my credit card i over so
at first time i had a
credit card it was actually when i came back from brazil which you know i don't
know if you're talking
about overdrafted that's the patreon overdrafted my credit card very hard very
hard just you know
just charitable stuff down in brazilia and i gave back i went hard on the card
overdrafted it and then
like i was like my dad's like dude there's like 18 interest like you're kind of
fucked you're screwed
dude and i was like and i just i was overwhelmed dude and i just fucking cried
and i was like oh
shit i'm crying in front of my dad i'm like 21 or 20 whatever i was and i was
like and i was like
i just ran away and just sat across the street and like darlington was like a
music academy and just
fucking cried oh fuck you're emotional i tried so hard dude then they were like
he's probably on
steroids but that wasn't that was the thing yeah i mean obviously did i think
you're just jacked did i take
animal m stack yeah did i know it was banned no so it's like you know so wait i
do want to we need
to so your family your mom thought you were on steroids yeah and i don't blame
her because i was
fucking i was you were yoked dude i was i was like i can't how much protein
powder how much you
went 25 yeah i was like 240 all muscle dude i was like 200 yeah it's like been
there done that fucking
dude crazy dude look i've been jacked it's not great so i stopped doing it i
see what you're doing you like
it you like working out i've done it been there done what's your goal weight i
don't have a goal
weight what's your goal like what's your goal i want to get 315 10 times on
bench so you just have
performance metrics yeah pretty much because i'm ham what was your goal with
the befores i don't know
honestly i just wanted to get ripped and so you took before pictures you and
your friend took the
afters never happened them flexing in your underwear you took pictures like
that yeah hilarious and then
spud got his hands on so i i think how did that happen bill young bannon young
bannins
spud bannon dude yeah spud k bannon got a pic got the pics and spud where did
you get the pics i'm
saying on a on a uh digital camera right so spud and tom had no idea how
facebook worked we're not
going to get into spuds facebook dealing so you know it's weird you just did
but no but uh
fucking spud got a hold of the pictures and put it up on matt's facebook
thinking it was just funny
not knowing that everyone can now see that so then matt got it on spuds thing
but the funny part is
spud got karma for that because bert got spud what do you do he pretended to be
a girl spade had a huge
crush on a coffee shop oh my god and texted him for like a week trying to hang
out and spuds going
into this coffee shop thinking he'd talk about catfish him bode baby what yes
he catfished him
overnight or not overnight and then bert got some karma for that and bert got
the biggest karma that's
what i'm saying don't fuck with spade he will get you with the most karma what
was it what happened
to bert what karma do you have any i mean i went to fucking jail okay i didn't
know i thought it's
wasn't like a fun trick oh no spud just took down that yeah we were talking
about that the other day
that's what on our patreon we were talking about just the gay shit i did when i
was little what would
you do when you're little uh i knew you're gonna promote your patreon yeah i
mean dude war mode
business business mode dude capitalist young capitalists probably the best podcasters
on
the planet but it doesn't matter uh no i was talking about like when sharky
died and you guys
all pretended to be sharky in front of kathleen and made her cry you're talking
about you're talking
about kujo bro sharky the first dog that died on the farm it was before you
even you were even born
i was i was around sharky was around no you weren't sure i was i was i was ever
talk about the time
billy assaulted our one dog as a young child no did i who you don't remember
this what dog kujo
what'd i do you hit her in the ribs with a baseball bat you were like you were
really really little
you were a toddler yeah little guy this is back when you're obsessed with godzilla
yes i remember
you were like you came in and dropped the bat and i was like it was metal too
and i was like
oh fuck came out so my dog just laying in a puddle of piss
oh my god what the fuck do you do you're like i i i hit her and i was like jeez
you were so little
you were like no idea i did it to our uncle jack's van too yeah that's the
thing he was on a fucking
vigilante screen i was on a rampage i've been wild the fuck out when i was like
six
he broke my uncle's taillight just walked around the bat was like
watched too much wrestling came back from it fucking hit our dog in the ribs
dude i think
oh the coup de grace for the dog said he didn't know what he was doing that's
fucked up dude i was
just a young girl he was youngster he was watching a lot dude he was watching a
lot of god a lot of
sickos dude that shit doesn't matter like it's not like it happened out of
nowhere he was dude
hold on i want to i know i know we've moved past it but i need to i need to
hear your side of
when you got on facebook and saw your oh my god dude the feeling dude i would
total dread total
dread i would just came out so i had like three pictures on there so then all
of a sudden it's
like i and do the thing is it was you were the first influencer it was
you would have thought you would be i was matt watson dude yeah i was down
there my befores were going
up there and i think i caught it right before like anyone got their hands
someone was trying my
roommate was trying to upload it and save it but i pulled the picture off and
they're like damn i told
you i put a picture of my dick on my snapchat snapchat story how i mistake it
was a mistake i used to take
pictures of my dick and color it like because you could draw on snapchat and
then send it to my
friends as a goof it's a fun goof don't try to pretend like it's not hilarious
it's a very funny thing
maybe you can do other things too one time i took it and it was a prank it was
right after i had not
had spot uh snapchat for a while when i redownloaded it i pressed what i
thought was the coloring
utensil to bring up the tools yeah yeah just sent it straight to my story
without coloring on it at
just a picture of like like a butchel of tubes and like a soft penis and it was
my story on snapchat
just a pure saint benedict dude for like five minutes for like five minutes and
then i get yeah
and then i got a phone call from gabe my friend anthony anthony gabriel what up
boy he's a lawyer now
uh he called and was like what are you doing and right when he called i was
like oh my god
because i because i didn't know where the bird picture went everywhere i had no
idea that it just
i thought i'd hit delete i thought i hit access accidentally because once you
press add to story
it just went have you ever thought about doing butthole art taking a pic of
your butt people will
look at that very funny people would be confused as to what that was 