Name: ep. 327 Hetero Male Adoption
Uploaded: 2020-12-09T01:11:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep. 327 Hetero Male Adoption' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep. 327 Hetero Male Adoption' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-09. Transcript available.

ep. 327 Hetero Male Adoption

life dude our audio sounds take off my stun of shades shane i mean dude a
fantastic display of
valor and courage with a migraine with a migraine coming through or covet 19 no
way no we're not
sure no way no shape no how true you're right i have been taking garlic there's
no garlic you've
been taking vitamin d yeah i've been doing about 40 minutes of cardio a week
dude combined
that's i mean you're definitely a minute of cardio for every alcoholic beverage
i have a week
perfect that's how you stay fit it's called equilibrium it's called staying
humble it's
called homeostasis it's called being great for sure dude i mean you're
definitely 40 minutes 40
minutes of cardio you're probably triggering autophagy all throughout your
whole body cellular
death and fucking coming back bringing in the new exactly maybe the best you
might be in too good of
shape is why you got that could be what's going on you might be going through
overtraining my diet
might be too strict and disciplined
classic signs of overtraining dude that's what you have right now don't look at
my fucking hair
what are you talking about what the hell what would i do what would i say about
your hair i saw you
staring scoping me out dude somebody fucked with our chairs i'm telling you i
feel like we're like
the bears goldilocks was in here somebody was fucking with our stuff yeah
somebody came in and fixed this
goddamn audio pisses me off golly somebody fixed this goddamn man you're too
loud you're ruining the
show we got the two interns back there with some real dude how do you feel lamare's
turning new leaf man
lamare is climbing the rankings came straight up here got the audio all set up
sounds great he seems not
that high how high are you he's got that he's very high he's very high yeah
well one step at a time
he's high punctuality now you know that's probably why he ran straight up to
this room probably like
couldn't face anybody for sure i just want to be alone
good god yeah dude i got i think they're both mk ultra dude
on that gary brat got that gary paint we got the brat over here pat pat y'all
losing our other intern
to apple noah's not it or which well lamare's not an intern but noah dude i
think we're losing him to
restaurant culture slowly but surely dude yes this is actually an intervention
for you noah no last week
last week was a big wake-up call we saw your priorities we see your priorities
are with material
gain and you know like actually getting paid for your job which we see as an
absolute red flag you're a
capitalist pig you know i can't believe you left this to actually get paid dude
fucking scum your priorities are all fucked up dude
put a sock in it golly yeah dude that was full in the full grips of restaurant
coolness dude
restaurant coolness is you're not bourdain dude none of you none of you are bourdain
i definitely am bourdain
yeah a little cat you guys gotta get some forearm tattoos hops in the car it
smells like a whole
fucking like golf it smells like a whole like golf cart full 40 year old dude i'm
like dude you
drinking bro he's like i had a beer i'm like you had a fucking beer right a
beer when a cat he's
bourdain dude you probably had a beer like a small little glass with lunch what
people work at a
restaurant for two months and think they're european all of a sudden
yeah that did bother the out of me it's like what the fuck are you doing i can't
stand when people
even like at dinner like yeah i'll have a beer yeah it's like no dude eat your
meal we'll black out
after yeah don't fucking drink a nice craft beer yeah he got in thinking like a
goddamn sailor dude
i said what the hell it wasn't a craft beer you're bordained up you came in and
just swish to course
light i am important it was an mgd you're bordained up dude you just you came
in just crushed an mgd
yeah restaurants going to your heads laughing turns oh man damn you should be
the bourdain of dishwashers
just be like an edgy dishwasher
let's go from restaurant to restaurant like man what a setup oh this is hit the
thing oh wow
life's about the connections you make with people it's not about how good the
dishes are
it's just about meeting new people that sucks dude my head hurts so bad i have
it we got the
runs you know we got the wrong if i get the runs i'm crushed bro that'll find
what's garlic is not
going to stand up well you don't think so probably they're gonna be like this
guy has so much garlic
in him what's going on here i don't think it's corona man i think you're i
think we're under the
scare i was listening to uh dude i swear to god they're psyoping black people
about coronavirus
so hard on the radio i listened to a commercial for it and it was like first of
all this they acted
like it was like some like interruption from the government it was just a paid
commercial it was
like it was like it was like aggressive matrix techno and it was like this just
in from the cdc the vaccine
is safe and also the first person to take it was an 80 year old lady from england
and she's fine 90 yeah
90 year old lady from england and she's fine it was kind of a risk by them to
be like dude it's
a fucking because she could definitely die regardless it's a pr i mean
definitely a pr move
but they set that up being like that's a risk she could die anyway they
probably gave her salt water
dude that could kill her true true true yeah they're like a first one to get as
a 90 year old lady
also here's some coveted stats nine billion people died this week like all
right also california's
doing contract tracing totally i probably have it right now you think so don't
talk on corona
code leave code you have a migraine because you were out last don't you dare
put that on me what
i was out strengthening the brand you were you were strengthening the brand i
was out expanding our
empire all great generals dude you were nipping your flask i have a bit of ulysses
i'm a little us grant you were out in the plains dude the bottle i get hit with
the bottle i get the
melancholy sinks in okay take to the bottle when i'm out i miss my old friends
true i miss my girl
they're all dead back home i turned to the bottle and then i text her and she
says leave me alone
and then i hit the bottle and put it on the glass and then i turned to the can
damn dude feels it feels better but i bet i look like a big old dingus no way
dude dude with the
migraine i've again i've never had a migraine but i heard they're absolutely
horrible they suck it's just
like a little thing right there yeah on my left temple and it just occasionally
hurts it just is
that how is it right now it's fine right now but in like a minute it'll hurt
keep sipping up that
water bro i have been crushing water yeah glasses i look like a fucking you can't
do it dipshit um
so yeah there's there's been some drama within the squad what we're back
talking oh yeah dude i've never
even seen anything like that yeah dude no it was very short in the group text i
think he said i'm
fucking bourdain he probably had three ounces of a beer
what did i say he was probably sitting in like a small little stone alcove sip
like drinking drinking
gripa it's like a white just like it was like a table wine it's like a small
cup of table wine yeah
dressed like he's running from the bulls in pamperlona he's got like a red
scarf and a white chef's
outfit i forget no but last week me and shane both were like man what an
attitude you're probably just
genuinely busy what did i i don't i really don't know what i said i was like
are you coming you i
think you were like no oh oh when i said we're not remember i'm not at the cast
this week there it is
remember remember i'm working talking down you talk down to matt i felt this
big when i made that feel
very small when he saw that this big dude i read that matt i just want to say
on the record i'm
i'm very i'm very sorry you're just drunk no i don't try to butter no you're
hammered and high
i'm not hammered and high you're hammered and high again i had one mgd
you had one genuine draft yeah can or bottle can animal that's awesome mgd i
thought dude that was
alcoholic that's fucking crazy no please for the assignment go and watch uh
this much i know is
true on hbo okay you don't want to become that okay i won't that guy drinks
some mgds and drives
his truck right into a tree oh man you're young no you have your whole life
ahead you have your whole
life ahead i sent you that text at 3 p.m on a tuesday which made the attitude
even worse
what is that what is that like i was at work what'd you say read the exchange i
did yeah read it off
let people be the judge i'm heading over there now noah do you need a ride
remember i'm not
at the cast this week i'm at work gotcha and shane said
oh you gave him the face said that emoji dude geez somebody yeah dude somebody
woke up on the
wrong side of the bed that day grumpy dude i was literally at work we had a grumpy
chef dude
true restaurant they're dickheads um one of the other chef i was washing dishes
and he called me a fat
pussy once what i was like dude i have to fight you well someone psyop chefs
into thinking they're like
the leader of like a mil almost like paramilitary environment they in a kitchen
if you're going to
kitchen it's like this is like basically a military environment it's like no it's
called everyone
being high on cocaine at once yeah the restaurant owners come in he was a juggalo
too the guy who
called me he was a little short fat juggalo and he was like i would i mean i
would have laid on him
and murdered him should have he no he called my bluff dude he knew i wasn't
gonna do shit yeah yeah you
know offend the pecking order yeah usually the pecking order of a restaurant is
the owner comes in
and just like absolutely berates the chef yeah sits in his office does nothing
yeah he comes in he's like
why is my stupid business i opened failing it's all of your fault chef and the
chef's like
i'm too hungover to deal with this and he takes it out on the sous chef who
then ultimately takes
it out on the dishwasher dishwasher is called a fat pussy and also uh do you
guys have any mexis
oh we have like three they're immune dude the lads they try to give it to the lads
and lads are just
like okay yeah that's that's been my experience in the restaurant no you're
like a day walker you can
probably shift in and out amongst the lads they probably there's probably
several workers there
like that that lads thinks he's better than me he thinks he's better than all
of us what's this lads
problem yeah pretty sick there that's pretty cool the lads always rule nice no
just in general
pretty good pretty cool environment oh you like your squad yeah it's a good
group good what do they
listen to this oh you're afraid they're gonna listen to this is that why you're
like that's
actually a pretty good team no like a player after they definitely don't give
the coaches interview
like we got a good team over there we work hard no we got we have to figure out
this is a loyalty
issue for sure going on right now you have to call it and quit your job right
now this is not a drill
we're kidding we're kidding dude get get your money bro oh my got your money so
what's up dude you're
up there you have cronies you don't have cronies dude you wish it's good i've
surrounded myself with
crony deniers so when i get it everyone's just like dude you're fine true yeah
man my uh it's so funny
because my mom doesn't care at all like i was like there sunday she's like what'd
you do last night
i was at a show in millersville and she's like nice oh yeah yeah like you know
god forbid if you're
someone else they're like phil phil's all over it feels like you can't come
home after you do a show
like tested or something i'm like that makes sense i agree but then he goes to
the bar yeah i'm like
dude you got to stop going to the bar yeah for real what's he say about that
and he's like coaching
basketball still he goes like practice yeah i was like dude what are you doing
you're gonn