Name: ep 328 Undercover Homeless
Uploaded: 2020-12-15T01:15:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 328 Undercover Homeless' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 328 Undercover Homeless' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-15. Transcript available.

ep 328 Undercover Homeless

silent one and we're in we need a good we're supposed to have a silent two one
but i'm not
going to split hairs yeah there's no point we're still training them there's no
point to split
hairs like this we're still training these guys industry standard five four
but you know they don't teach you this stuff in film school dude we gotta learn
that we gotta
learn in the streets i learned the hard way what up dude nothing how you doing
i was letting you
work that work that i want to see where you're going with that i was part of it
i was on the
ride for that wearing the same hoodie tight yeah tight yes i got a good shirt
on underneath i might
pop out for the patreon black shirt too no i got my kyle larson on oh you got a
lars that's my young
money young money that is his nickname right yeah young money that's awesome
young money got kicked
out nascar for saying the n-word on a live stream dang it he's back in though
now he's back because
nascar has lower standards than yeah comedy yeah nascar is like what is it like
a two-month suspension
he was out just for one season what's how it was like a year yeah is there when's
nascar's off season
winter i have no idea yeah take the winners off yeah hang with the kids go home
say the n-word on a
live stream report back to camp damn dude who did he have to talk it's only
they're sponsored by like
giant corporations yeah so like who's who's his sponsors on his car now monster
energy drink yeah
red bull a million companies that it's a nascar pfizer yeah he'd be sponsored
by america i think the
vaccine sponsors kyle larson i think pfizer does sponsors a car do they really
yeah there was a viagra
car for a while there's some farms a big farmer gets in there for sure for show
how about you somebody
was just pissed on your house is that what yeah i got the call someone uh
someone was taking a piss
on the house so yeah bae was upset took care of it i mean she was saying it was
almost like perverted
yeah she took she handled biz but she was saying uh some guy was like peeing on
the house like while
peeping in the window which is kind of you can do either or you can't do both
at once it'd be all
right super aggressive to pee and spy he's a squirter he's probably like just
looking at someone
else's kitchen screw he did probably like my layout dude i've seen a layout he's
like they don't even
wear shoes inside oh true he saw the slippers lost my damn slippers what
happened i lost i don't know
where the hell they are we should be executing homeless people that guy should
have been gone to
down yeah there was a guy can't fuck around anymore dude yesterday i went to
get coffee
and first off went to get cold brew yesterday was warm enough that i wasn't shamed
by random people
will shame you for cold brews who people be like it's a little cold out it's
cold out you're still
getting a cold brew it's freezing out i can't believe you're getting a cold
brew i can't believe
they're doing it's like the opposite of people with hot coffee they're like
dude come on i know people
like shame other people for getting cold brews you just can't win with a cold
brew either you have a
coffee hard-o being like dude drink a hot coffee what are you what are you hot
everybody always
every nobody advocates against hot that's what i'm saying yeah it's always if
you get a cold brew
people are upset yeah why just let me live exactly cold brew is awesome too
people get mad when it's
cold out and you get a cold brew people are like what are you doing this is it's
like i like the taste
i prefer a cold brew yeah it doesn't matter i would never if i saw somebody
order a beer at a bar
and i was like yo it's winter what are you doing yeah exactly don't drink a
cold drink
that should get off anyway so we're going into this coffee shop and just a
homeless guy just
standing right out front screaming spitting at everybody walking by yeah and i
was like man it'd
be great if the cops just pulled up and killed him or just set loose the cops
rolled up or just put
him in the back of a van if they're like all right come on bud and everybody
never saw him again
They get some minks, dude.
Minks need to come into the city.
They get some minks on that.
Rude out all the...
I showed these guys what I've been getting into lately,
which is YouTube videos of ratting.
Dude.
Which is terriers killing rats.
And then I remember the mink.
There's a mink guy.
It's a minkery.
The mink...
Mink...
Mink Henry?
Is it?
Mink Henry.
Mink Henry.
Mink Henry.
Mink Henry.
LLC.
There's a guy that gets minks,
and then he uses them to kill rats.
And it's good watching.
Well, it's a good team.
He's got a good dynamic between his dog,
which is...
Boss?
Boss.
Whippet mix.
And then I can...
Bear.
Bear the mink.
One of the minks.
Bear.
I think Bear is Otto's son.
He's obviously Black Mamba the mink.
And then there's a bunch of made-up Native American names.
Yeah, dude.
He's like, this is...
This one is...
Hoppa?
This one is...
Hata?
Yeah, the one who's like Hata.
That's Native American for white chin.
I don't think so.
Sure it is.
I don't think they had white chins.
Sure it is a guy who hangs out with minks.
Anyway, when this guy was in high school,
he heard that minks, you couldn't even take care of them.
And he was like, challenge accepted.
True.
I'm going to raise these minks right, teach them discipline, hard work.
And then he just...
So people will be like, hey, our barn's infested with rats.
And he'll be like, I'm on my way.
Don't even say anything else.
And they're like, did you bring the poison to kill him?
He's like, I got a fucking pickup truck full of minks.
I'm just going to let him out one at a time.
And then there's videos of him killing like 260 rats.
Dude, it's awesome.
With a dog and a mink.
He keeps them in like little PVC huts and opens it up.
It's pretty tight.
Yeah.
And he looks exactly like our friend, Ahamud Weinberg.
He does actually.
Fan of the cast.
Ahamud Weinberg.
Big fan of the cast, Ahamud Weinberg.
Yeah, dude.
Loves the cast.
Also, you know who else is?
Mecky Leaper.
Loves it, dude.
Can't get enough of the cast.
Just talking to him the other day.
Really?
How'd you talk to him?
He's tough to get a hold of.
No, he was on a messaging app.
He was on like a very like encrypted messaging app.
Yeah, he went through WhatsApp so the government couldn't get him.
I was like, what are you doing in the underworld, bro?
Wait, where was he?
Was he on like Discord?
Not even Discord.
He was on like one of those like encrypted ones people go to do dirt on.
And you saw him on there?
I saw him on there.
You just ran into him in cyberspace?
How'd you see that he was on?
He went on one of the things that people go on when they're worried about like
the government
looking at the phone.
So obviously I'm on there and I look, I see Mecky Leapy.
I was like, what the hell are you doing?
Oh, it shows you people in your contacts that have joined the app?
It's a join.
I'm like, what are you doing down here, bro?
Sneaky Leapy's is in there.
Exactly, dude.
Actually, you should watch out because he is.
You think he's a sneaky Leapy?
He could be a terrorist.
He probably got tired of people being like, dude, you're not even Muslim.
Shut up.
You think he's been radicalized during COVID?
I think he got radicalized by white people being like, shut up.
You're not even a real Muslim.
Mecky Leapy.
Oh, man, I might have to keep an eye on him.
He's going to be mad.
We talked about him.
The sneaky Leapy's.
Man, I am.
He's going to put out a fatwa on you, dude.
I have a fatwa.
Big fucking fatwa, dude.
Oh, I got crushed.
DeRosa crushed me.
How?
And it's one of those insults that just stayed in my head.
What did he hit you with?
Well, he'll call me fat pretty often.
I'm usually very mean.
I'm as mean as I can be back.
If I get hit with fat.
Gloves are off.
It's a PA, dude.
For sure.
Borderline OL.
Depends how it's said.
If it's said funny, sure, I'll take it.
It's a PA.
I'll remember.
For sure.
Someone's like, yeah, you fat fucker.
I'm like, haha.
Filed away.
Then an hour later, I'm like, yeah, your fucking career is up.
But he was like, you look like shit, bro.
He was saying, we were fucking with each other.
And he's like, Peloton?
You've been talking about doing a Peloton?
What's Peloton?
A fucking candy bar?
And I was just like, for some reason, calling Peloton a candy bar.
It's been in my head for three days now.
Or been saying all the time you spent on the Peloton, it was just you munching
a Snickers.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, it was a good one.
Would he crush you in person?
Or was this on the phone?
He would never dare in person.
So he hit you on the phone?
Yeah, we call each other to be mean.
Just to gas each other up?
Yeah.
And it usually ends with somebody, typically me, taking it too far.
Yeah?
Usually I say something.
What'd you respond with?
He's got big tits, so I've been threatening to titty fuck him.
True.
I'm like, dude, I'm built, I'm fat, I'm good fat, though.
You're built, like, he's built, like, a weird, like...
Like a hormonal thing?
Yeah, his is very gay.
He's like a gay.
He's like, I'm not fat, I'm just, like, flabby.
I'm like, no, you're gross.
It's the conversation.
And then it's usually like, all right, man, I'll talk to you later.
It's just ten minutes of that.
But yeah, calling the Peloton a candy bar.
That's pretty funny.
It's been stuck in my crawl.
When do you think he got, he probably thought about that, waited.
It sounded like it was on the, that's what made it funnier, because he was like,
what,
you've been talking, you've been talking a big game about this Pelotonic candy
bar or something.
Like, it just, it wasn't a great joke.
That was pretty fucking funny.
It's just very funny.
That was very funny.
Yeah.
Just accusing somebody of secretly hitting candy bars is so funny.
Candy bars is hilarious.
They're the funniest type of food.
Yeah, but he was all worried about, I should have been worried, more worried
about COVID.
Coming in here with a headache.
True.
I risked everybody's life here.
Thankfully, I was.
Gladly, dude.
Thankfully, I was rapid tested the next day and full tested and both, both
negative.
So you got, yeah, dude.
I got the real one.
I saw your paperwork, dude.
I don't know what kind of doctor's writing pencil.
The doctor is down there with the Ticonderoga, dude.
That was the real test.
That guy.
Yeah.
That was an interesting crew.
That was two, like, Iranian dudes.
First off, the doctor's in, they wear, like, street clothes underneath their,
like, smocks.
Yeah.
And the smock, whatever that paper thing is, is see-through.
Like JNCOs or was he wearing?
No, he's wearing, like, a tight black, like, V-neck with, like, jewelry.
What?
Yeah, they dress like dudes at, like, mall kiosks.
They are the mall kiosk guys.
They just gotta be.
Except doing COVID.
And you pull up and they're like, you want COVID this?
COVID this.
Like, they yell at you.
No.
Oh, fuck.
But.
Let me see one now.
I'll do a little COVID test on you one now.
Spray it.
Your girlfriend, your girlfriend would love this.
You try this.
Take this to your girlfriend.
Stick it up her nose.
But he, I got the antibodies test and then the fucking thing in your nose,
which have either
of you guys got, that thing stinks.
Yeah, it sucks.
I haven't gotten, that was the first time I got the real one.
I got the little swab thing for the rapid test.
That's nothing.
Although I got fucking crushed by it.
Some lady rocked me on that one, too.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't like anything in my nose, dude.
I told you I went to Jersey.
I like some things in my nose.
That'd be funny if he just came out and he was like, bro.
He's like, do you want to bump this?
Do you do coke?
Bro, do you want to bump this?
Did you do coke before the rapid test?
He just holds it back out to you.
You're like, oh, thank you.
Yeah, they made me swab myself in New Jersey.
That's what they try to do.
The Iranians, they handed me one and they were like, all right, go ahead.
And I got it as far as I 