Name: ep 329 God Rules
Uploaded: 2020-12-23T01:24:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 329 God Rules' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 329 God Rules' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-23. Transcript available.

ep 329 God Rules

stoners tighten your straps matt treated the two stoners for the beautiful
christmas gift
yep you guys look good deeper deeper christmas we wanted to get you minion
shirts but
there was only one site that would give you guys minion shirts and it was in
southeast asia and i
didn't trust it to be honest i would have taken it would have taken like four
weeks well you didn't
just get beat on an ice cream maker from uh europe what happened i got beat for
100 bucks i was going
to make start making wheat ice cream and they i spent 100 bucks on an ice cream
maker dude haven't
gotten it let's drop down i got i got scammed where in europe was it from i
have no idea i just had
one of those nonsense phone numbers like two three period ellipses four four
five six like okay one of
their made up numbers yeah it's just some bullshit they should have gone with
us on that they don't
even know if they're like a country or they're like are we all a country yeah
they're fucked up europe's
going back into a dark age yes yeah they were they were really they're going
back to their um their
roots in the middle ages of just being an absolute waste of space they spent
like a good like 600
years when uh you know you know dude when islam was spreading and europe was
just like yeah they
literally didn't have money like they had no money they didn't even nobody had
any coin the government
didn't have coins they're like sorry guys like the arabs are killing us like
all right well yeah let's go
take their shits step it up kick them out get them out of spain make the hungarians
fight them off and
the polacks yeah those must have been some good battles the hungarians and the
polack yeah like
yeah just a battle of square heads dude
yeah my head's larger or more square than yours blasphemy yes
oh gay billy's calling oh straight billy sorry sorry sorry sorry yeah chill we
have with us today
our guest one half of the coward hour podcast with friend of the podcast barn
dog kark on our car
dude and today we have nick oldershaw what's up guys hey that's it man i don't
know i've never you
know we don't play podcast the video what's up guys hey hey um before the show
he's like yo i know how
to do a podcast i've been doing it for two years a little about me here's our
guest hey hey damn dude
instantly little nicky's out oh i'm from the jeep shop
but no nick's uh starting the baltimore scene yeah so i've known nick for a
long time when i think when
we met at that mcgooby's open mic we did meet you me and crick yeah he
introduced me because i knew
crick i think i booked him on a show and you wanted to fight me that night
because i told you
how do you think you handled yourself i thought i thought it was fine i don't
even remember what
it was what happened i just remember being like this kid sucks you told me that
you had just like
got you had just like been opening for louie anderson and i was like just
opened for him
yeah and i was like well that makes sense you look like him that could have
been it no no that was
it no of course your story is you got a good burn and i was mad it wasn't like
who's this arrogant
pussy that's what i was thinking i'm sure that was all i'm sure i said this guy
that was the thing that
asked that made you ask me if i wanted to go outside and fight you you pulled
his pigtails
there's no chance yeah absolutely you met shade what do you think what do you
think i did uh i think
i vaguely remember it yeah but i can promise you there's almost no way someone
was like yeah you
look like louie anderson and i was like i'll kick your ass like that was the
first time someone's been
like you know what you look like all right i guess i guess we just remember
things different so you
were like take it outside you're like take it and you know me i'm a big yo let's
take this outside
well no because i said first off we were outside no we were sitting outside no
inside to yeah we met
outside the inside and i was like let's get the back out there nobody calls me
louie anderson
i mean i could have sworn that's what it was but all i remember is i said that
and then started
talking to somebody else and i looked back at you and you hadn't stopped
looking at me and then you
asked now at this point he's obsessed with you yeah yeah he loves me
don't take it out on me because you started bad i'm trying to promote you i was
i know you're look
don't forget i'm doing you a favor right now you're going up in podcasts right
now kept reminding me of
that the whole time we were waiting for our food i went to go get benihana with
wood before the show
because i was just like i was in cherry hill seeing a friend and he was like yo
he's like you
want to go get benihana and i was like in a pen sure why not food never showed
up i just like sat there
and like delicately like wood ordered for me yeah it's very hot you don't know
the wood man well
enough yeah never let that guy take control of the situation would completely
took control he like
he ordered my soup for me he ordered my meals for me so i'm just like sitting
there daintily eating soup
yeah dude well you only get like two options there it's like yeah the rice or
not and you're like yeah
he ordered for you like you didn't say he wasn't well i have a fight my phone
is i don't have
service on my phone and my screens cracked so like i couldn't the menus are all
i'm living a living
really below the poverty line were you were you guys like getting the full
experience or you guys just
we were trying to we were but we waited 30 minutes for a black benihana chef
which i didn't agree with at
all i don't know what you think this podcast is time out they i've never been
to a benihana where the whole
staff was not you know authentic they brought in the sushi truck they brought
in the sushi truck
that's all i meant authentic authentic dude and the sushi trotters on you
dude i saw black hulk hogan on the drive-in stop you ever see him no yeah i
think he's like kind of famous
in the area is it just a black dude that always dresses like hulk hogan he was
on
al gamey what yeah how long has he been doing that i don't know i know i've
seen him it's just a
wild black dude that's always in literally the hulkamania hat and the
blonde fu manchu and blonde long hair and he walks around in like a cut off
lemare you see him right now he's pretty great doesn't matter so it was just a
nice
sighting crazy and then how great is this sorry to cut off the story how good
is it when you get in
like uh like a road rage altercation then you guys both laugh yeah it's nice
there was a there's a
black lady on the corner and i guess i was going too slow through the light
because she wanted to
walk across yeah and she was like she did like that to me and while i was
driving by i was like
i made him run her and her boyfriend started running around laughing it was
great and i was just in the
rearview like oh look at that you hit her with the you gave her a face back
yeah it's nice it's a fun
time oh it's so fun made him run from the car but did you would you like speed
up at all like what
was no i mean i made him run laughing oh i got like they were like oh oh yeah
yeah yeah i see
that's great i thought you oh made them run across it like i sped up you know i
mocked her and then
they ran like you can't make a black person run across the street the only way
they're playing
chicken they're ready to die every time they cross the street that's so i dare
you to speed up the
only way to make a black person move is to make them laugh is to just have them
like def jam wild
out yes that's yeah that's what happened just hit her with it they started
laughing i was smiling too we
had a nice time oh man um so you're at benihana you storm out because the chef's
black i don't
agree no no no no hold up no wood felt bad wood i was like i think i'm gonna be
late he's like he's
like nah nah dude shane's gonna be fine like he's doing this for you it's a big
favor and i'm like
all right i'm like okay of course that's what i'm saying yeah and i was like
yeah i was like yeah i'll
just text him and i'm gonna be late he's like i think you should actually leave
right now and i was like
you just said it was fine like a big opportunity this is he stopped like making
eye contact with
me he just like started like giving me directions while like looking into his
lap it's funny he's
like the podcast gets up to like 150 on itunes you're gonna want to hurry up
and not miss out on
this so he told me he's like he's like i'm gonna get your food he's like i'll
deliver your food to
you later i'm like where where are we gonna meet up so he's i he i guess has my
benihana food right
now in some kind of container so you guys ordered benihana takeout no no no we
were ready to like
get you know the onion volcano and everything yeah and like get served he was
like he ordered for you
and then ordered you to leave yeah it was really weird i mean you might have to
suck wood it's just
hot dude he basically 50 shades of grayed you if absolutely really i was trying
to like figure out
his intentions the whole time it was like i was really in my head about it yeah
you can't you really can't you
you got you guys have hung out i know he did your podcast yeah but that wasn't
in person zoom yeah
just via zoom because this is the first time you've ever hung out first hang
out with wood
what i mean he's a good like i what i like about him is he's like an intense texter
so it's like okay
cool this guy like gets down to it yeah he is very intense yeah you'll get some
paragraphs you get some
you'll get some length yeah yeah but it was way yeah we walked on harbor
freight he like took me around
harbor free you guys went on a date absolutely yeah dude that's that's what he
said the whole time
is that he's like this he's like i've only ever done this exact thing with
women wood was trying to
you no shade on the wood man but it's a pandemic you gotta do what you gotta do
i'm from california
i'm progressive i'm cool like i'm fine yeah wood's a funny guy damn dude that's
what's up he's
about stick his dick in the onion volcano dude the big sausage onion volcano
yeah so you guys you guys
went on a date and then he was like leave well i was in he was like meet me at
benihana two two o'clock
sorry i'm thinking of all the people like the mechanics who listen to oral
presentations like what the
fuck what not my sweetheart wood you wouldn't do anything like what's out new
jersey trying to
guys uh you guys planned it for two o'clock so you were both i would imagine
got there at 2 30.
no i i'm i'm prompt you are i'm punctual a wood is not wood showed up late but
we couldn't but we had
to make a reservation for tooth like they wouldn't just let us sit down they
had to like timetable it
so we did that he's like let's do a round of harbor freight let's look at the
knives
so we went and looked at the knives all right so now i was going to kill you
right dude i don't know
it was it was it was a really i think he's a nice guy but it was a very nice oh
wood's very very nice
no again you can't let him dictate the the activities because you'll end up
walking around
a harbor looking at knives you'll do things that sound funny on paper until you're
walking outside like
and he wouldn't let me pay for my food really yeah he wouldn't let me pay for
it because the whole
the whole thing he's like he's like i'm an older comic this is what i have to
do to you
i was like it was weird dude oh you can't report him on saying corny stuff oh i'm
sorry i was all
right you're right now he's holy he literally told me not to say that
i bet oh he's probably like don't tell anyone i just said that oh my god he
said he was an older
cut you've been doing it longer than him significantly i think but he's older
than me he's like he's 33.
it's true it's true this was a weird day you're right this was absolutely some
like chicken hawk like
this is weird yeah wood groomed you he did he groomed i'm fine with it dude
yeah he's