Name: The Wedge
Uploaded: 2020-12-30T03:13:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Wedge' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Wedge' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-30. Transcript available.

The Wedge

yo what's going on dude what's happening howdy y'all damn you're looking ripped
yeah man you're
looking jacked it's my new morning routine are you lifting just body weight
stuff i gotta pull
up bar two right now so that's when that takes you to the next level yeah wake
up every morning
seven eight i used to wake up at six a.m now seven eight the extra hour gives
me a little
more energy so yeah wake up at seven seven fifteen if i'm being honest how many
hours
sleep you're getting eight eight hours okay i have to get a full eight huh yeah
mandatory
mandatory i have to get eight that's how i did peloton three days in a row
show your legs not a big my legs are clear tables we should get clear tables so
we can show calves
it would it would be crazy true people would a lot of people are concerned
about my body image
you know i mean i get body shamed quite a bit it's kind of bullshit if they saw
my legs yeah you got
ripped legs are bad true i'm built like fucking saquon barkley down there it's
crazy almost entirely
other than my penis i would imagine saquon barkley i guarantee it's bigger than
my penis you think he's
a bigger penis than you i would be willing to bet all of my my be willing to
bet my life saquon
barkley has a larger penis than me wow imagine playing dick poker it has to be
a game dick poker one
around in and out i think okani's got i think okani's got something you think
little guys have
little something to talk about yeah lamar lamar how's your penis i've never
even imagined your
penis i've never even once thought of either way yeah it's kind of weird i've
really always thought
just asexual being yeah i have an asexual penis how's your dong pretty neither
here nor there
uh yeah it's just a regular old fair to midland dong yeah that's what you want
i'm having a great
penis lamar yeah the world missing out are you cut uncut i'm cut you're cut
dude nice you got that
christian yeah you have a christian penis penis your penis is christian you can
sit a bunch of guys
play dick poker and just fucking have to read everybody and bet against who you
think you think
your dick's bigger than theirs at the end you just show your hand it should be
like uh blind man's buff
like you get a picture of your dick on your of your flaccid penis you get polaroids
everybody
polaroids their dick right now yeah as we're sitting true all right dude mine's
mine would be insane oh man it'd be cool if you could lay them out and have
like a race as they
grow you know
ew chris
dude what the fuck we're trying to play poker dude
how do you measure how do you measure how do you try to have sex
just by the eyes dude you try to have sex
there's nothing gay about this
yeah you're right you guys are making it gay
you want us you want our penises to grow sexually
how else are you gonna make you're gonna measure flaccid dicks
yes that's the only true measure of a man
yeah you put the card you put it
no no no it's more exciting with if it's hard because then they start flaccid
dude and people get their bets
come on man i just got done doing the podcast
we just talked about war heroes
we talked about prisoners of war
go to the patreon join the patreon listen to my history podcast
fucking awesome
and we had to do it first because there's no way i wasn't going to talk about
the entire podcast
dude the weirdest thing was i was thinking about that earlier today
i'm like i don't think somebody will make it through
i'm not going to be able to get through a regular episode
without being like well one quick thing
yeah let me tell you something about the 1905 russo japanese war
yeah there's no chance
so when you called me i was like oh perfect
i also forgot a major fact
what
in the patreon
right when we got done i was like damn it
yeah
you got to be able to stop and edit
that's the when you do a history podcast you need to stop like every sentence
yeah
yeah
for sure
i mean most a lot of that's also you know they have teleprompters you can put
over your camera
that you just go like hey guys
and i'm like how the fuck are these guys keeping this many like things in their
head straight
true
to teleprompter right over your webcam
that's how they do it
we're not dumb
exactly
you and me aren't idiots
we sat and wrote out
we should one day sit out and write a podcast
i don't write a
i don't write a set list
hey shane i agree
dude i i don't write
like i'll have a show
and wait until
two minutes before i'm on stage
like a room full of people waiting to hear me talk
and i'm like
fuck
i know
like i wait till
the feature's almost done
i'm like oh fuck
it's so funny to watch
what do i have to say
i'm gonna bomb
what am i gonna fucking talk about
well that's the thing
because if you wrote it earlier
you'd just be thinking about that
bombing for longer
true
i feel like that's what
whenever you just panic
and put something together
you're like
well this sucks
but i don't have to worry about it
for two minutes
yeah
but yeah guys
i don't know about you
oh also
check the patreon out
because that
spud
spud intro video
what a fucking monster
he's a master documentarian
i called him today
a lot of easter eggs
that was today
that was on the way here
i called him and i was like
hey i'm gonna do this history podcast
today
can you make that for me
and he just
exactly how i envisioned it
it's crazy
exactly how i envisioned it
so good
did you ever see adam curtis' documentaries
that was the guy who did
century of the self
and all those things
he uses like a ton of old
stockpile footage
it looks really cool
spud rules
spud's nasty dude
he was fucking with adobe
i showed him a little premiere
and he was like
yeah
yeah there are some easter eggs
in there that lets you know
it is spud making that intro
i know
great easter egg
anyway
anyway
shout out amber
whoa chris
that's what i hate about chris
dude i can't believe
i won't do this
i can't believe you want us to have sex dude
you want us to have homosexual sex
i don't think you guys are appreciating
how much better it would be
because you have a round of betting
just blind bet
yeah
right
that's dick blackjack
then you whip out the soft
there could be
another round of betting takes place
i hear you on that
i do like that
that's the flop
that's the flop
then you see the flop
that's texas hold us
but yeah
coming off of
an episode of just absolute war heroes
prisoners
and then
i had a lot of respect
you had
no respect
you need to respect the troops
i was full of respect dude
disgust me
i just love all the troops dude
you know that about me
has any mccusker served
my uncles dude
two my uncles lost their fingers
oh shit
two my uncles in the navy
i don't think they saw active dude
how'd they lose their fingers
probably just fucking around on the dock
it's the best way to get out of service
he's like can't shoot
yeah
yeah they both lost their point
i have two uncles that both lost their trigger fingers
tip of their trigger fingers
during vietnam
no dude
they were like on the dock
they were like
in like the 90s
shitty mechanics
in the navy
yeah
they were like the late 70s navy
i have no respect for troops in the 90s
other than desert storm
desert storm was no joke
when was panama
was that the 80s
panama
sounds like something you'd do in the 80s
panama's a very 80s kind of place
panama
panama
yeah i would say
there's a lot of neon lights
yeah
panama was probably in the 80s
but yeah
but two my uncles dude
lost their goddamn fingers dude
i apologize for questioning the mccoskers
like sweeping up the deck of a navy
whatever the lowest thing was
got a splinter
it got infected
yeah dude
my mom's cousin was in vietnam
he's a bad boy
how was your christmas
let's get right down to it
what did santa bring you
just a knife
a knife
just got a knife
that's how you're gonna live like your uncles
that's all i got
you got a knife
you know in gump
the lieutenant dan montage
of all of his relatives
dying in different wars
oh yeah
that's you guys losing fingers
throughout history
i've seen you lose a finger
you almost lost this finger
i've seen you close
it's a family curse dude
can't believe i've reversed that
that should have been a lost finger
that time i slept
for now dude
true i can always
you just got a knife
why don't you get a knife
i get one horrible
that was for our family pollyanna
someone gave you a knife
i got a knife
what kind of knife
yeah
just a little pocket knife
a little sticker
not a switchblade
nothing mechanical
fancy
a fucking
swiss army
no just a little
like a pocket knife
i think it's
i think it's legal
i think it's
but i think it's
no i think it's actually
a little bigger than
four fingers
is it for something
it's for fucking
protecting myself
dude
my rights
nice
my dad gave me a shotgun
like last month
father to son transaction
and now i have a knife
everybody's thinking about getting a gun
everybody's thinking about getting a gun
these gun sales have i think like gone up
they're at like a historical high right now
i watched that movie nocturnal animals
did you ever see that movie
never even heard of it
yeah
and it made me want to get a gun
what takes place in that
a guy's driving through like texas
like west texas
and like a bunch of
hee-hawing guys
fucking pull him over
they made a movie about white guys
being scary
yeah
imagine that
it's our turn right now
and they pull him over
big time bro
it's jake gyllenhaal
he's a white guy
white on white
yeah
so jake gyllenhaal is like the
guy who's getting like
messed with by the
he's driving through with his wife and daughter
yeah
and they like
there's just white texans
being like
come here boy
yeah they take his wife and daughter
they smell pussy
yeah
it's like blood in the water down there
pussy goes down to west texas
oh
so it was like that
yeah they like ran him off the road
damn
they're the horniest guys ever
that should have been the title of the movie
the horniest guys on earth
nocturnal animals
it's pretty close
damn
so these horny ass guys
yeah
try to
basically mr. steal your girls dude
yeah
and i was just watching this
being like
this is gonna happen to me
yeah you need a gun
yeah
yeah
well you can get a magnetic mount
for like right underneath your steering wheel
just in case somebody wants to
rape your girlfriend
yeah yeah
it's just like
you have to have a gun
i do need to be able to kill people
yeah
yeah
i think we all get
we all need
we all need to be able to murder
just in an emergency
just neutralize
true
so
what kind of piece do you think you get
i don't know
i don't really know anything about the
yeah it'd have to be
it'd have to be small
you know
you should get a revolver
i want to be able to take it with me all the time
i kind of want to just always
you want to carry
i just want to always have a gun
of anybody in this room
that'd be awesome
or last
on who should have a gun
i've never seen a guy spaz harder
yeah i think
you need to carry
you need to carry
you need to start carrying a weapon
at all times for sure
yeah yeah
one of us wouldn't have made it out of that lake house
you had a handgun that trip dude
yeah i need to start
yeah
card game would have ended
it would have been like the wild west
no i'd be responsible with it
you know i'd be responsible with it
you can't drink
i just want to carry a gun
you can't be drunk at all
we would have been playing
we would have been playing horse race
drinking game
i would have been sitting there like doc holiday
you would have taken a gun out
spun it around
i mean it's so hard
if i was
i couldn't drive with a gun
i was talking to my friend today
he said he used to have an uzi
he's like never really
he was like
never really shot it
except he's like in the 90s
on new year's
you know there's like all abandoned houses behind me
so new year's eve
i would just go
and just shoot the abandoned houses
jesus
some crackhead
some crackhead woke up to him
some vietnam vet
was sleeping in there
just like not again
imagine all the new year's
your neighbor's just going like
just fucking ripping an uzi
ri