Name: MSSP Best of 2020
Uploaded: 2021-01-05T16:57:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP Best of 2020' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'MSSP Best of 2020' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-05. Transcript available.

MSSP Best of 2020

yeah this is mine's a condenser mic as well so mine's i mean mine's state-of-the-art
that is pretty tight where'd you get that thing office max dude little it's
like a little
podcast boy yeah it's not what is something funny about this there's nothing
funny about
that dude ever since ronies you've had a bad attitude my fucking life dude this
is my ball
in kitchen yo shout out to fucking politics shout out biden dude shout out biden
dude i need
biden to win i need it we need we need biden good biden dude business as usual
look at that
fucking this is where i scope the girls i stare at all the girls dude let me
see some girls
dude they're down in the pool damn the baby girls are laughing frolicing dude
are they splashing
each other splashing you need to go drop a can opener can opener the pool dude
should i run down
like a jackknife call out the jackknife midair dude if that was me i'd be
ripping a can opener
right now dude biggest splash show my splash dude huh cover your face and fall
in backwards
if i went down there and hit a cannonball oh my god the water would be like it's
not that big a pool
it would like actually disrupt the pool
if i ran down there and crashed go down there and do a whirlpool oh it makes me
laugh so hard
just whirlpool dude just start running
yeah it's uh fucking uh biden also has that like geezer face like where he's
like while he was
getting confronted he was like
and i was like dude i wonder how old he has geezer face where he's like
oh this is the thought of people missing your facial expressions for the last
two or three years it's
just it's just the worst thing in the world to think about
fucking uh he he looks like uh the geezer face if you're just listening to the
audio of this is uh
it's fucking uh clint eastwood and grant torino
watch the next time they argued biden biden goes full fucking angry geezer
holy fuck it's the same fucking face my my grandma made when i like she and i
fought over the fucking
ice the ice i was getting i was getting ice she's like get out of here oh my
god yeah that is a very
real face dude it's like maybe like when someone walks by them their heads rattled
following the
person is like
like they're in a fighter jet
yeah you know what i mean yo jackson you motherfucker he's pushing it out dude
i must
chew him upstairs dude wait look at his fat ass dude he's calling me fat look
at his thick butt when he
runs up the steps dude yeah you could go out to you know the ozarks or
something and set up this
beautiful tent and have a you know the trunk of your car full of supplies you
could probably just kick
back there for uh until this whole thing's over i could get a cabin in uh like
montana like a small
shed and start mailing bombs yeah well uh yeah i wouldn't joke around about
that though you know
they'll they'll the the they'll come they'll come and they'll come and get you
just for kidding around
about that i was watching the ted kaczynski uh don't don't do maybe clarify
that you're just joking uh
right real quick yeah yeah or or maybe even mailing pipe bombs yeah or or elder
statesman here maybe even
just edit that part out shane i don't know i would i would um you can josh
about bombs as long as you're
not on an airplane about bombs okay i don't know i don't know i get nervous
about these sorts of
things uh you know joking about these these types like mail and powder and
stuff yeah you know i just i
just think you know god i'd rather joke about sardines that's fair since we met
in december
she was a working girl and i was where'd she work a man a man of huh where did
you work home depot
on the street loads a working girl she was like a street performer like a mime
like a mime a silver
robot no like it like a tell me what word she is baby they're stupid am i sure
what they're talking
about like a hard working girl a prostitute okay so now oh i heard about those
i'm sorry baby don't don't ever reschedule these dudes all right
about dude come on come on come on i like oh nice well shane you got any more
are there any other
hard hitters what i was getting a hard hitting questions for you i think i
think there was one
rumor about you where people were dumping on you through hammocks yeah is that
a sexual thing a sexual
thing yeah where people were taking shits on you a sexual thing right yeah
sexual sexual dumps not like
just like you know i like what the fuck this is a rumor i just want to ask i
think it's who cares
what the business is it if anybody's if it's a sexual thing good god do i did i
ask you
about your sexual life yes almost immediately have you ever really immediately
have you ever licked an
asshole yeah i mean yes have you sodomized another human being yeah and how do
you feel about that
i'm pretty excited about it
none of your fucking business what i do in bed i promise you i promise you if
we were to divulge me and
my present and past wives girlfriends and associates the truth of our sexual
relationship it would make
that sound so fucking kindergarten dude that's awesome you're talking about you've
got dumped
on from higher up in a hammock and had the mega jesus christ almighty i mean
owners oh tightwads
yes i don't think so i think they might be next level i got some insider
information dude yeah
i guess they are insider information because i was worried because i was like
oh damn about all
these comedy clubs are going to close i was talking to my uh tightwads from la
oh my god for the tw tw twt say dude my team i got some new tightwads um i just
signed with a new
please please please please let me get in trouble for calling jewish people
i might have to pull i wish i had the capability of making that like
public access access like rainbow thing right now like pause emergency
broadcasting dude oh my god
especially alex jones voice taiwan
what do you think your agents taiwads
trump next level did you say next level next level moses so he's got his shoes
on he's picking
black shoes right now clearly to aid in the illusion dude oh i know he's
putting his feet together
he's going to sneak up his one heel i see this is mind freak watch me he's
going to put his toe
so funny you can't hear us he's going to put his toe out of frame right and
lift both heels
he just got on his tippy toes barely and then stumbled
dude what are you talking about it oh how do i end this live stream all right
here we go oh yeah
all right here we go are we ending the whole thing or no you want dude keep
keep keep jordan
oh we get luke out of here put me in the bed all right hold on all right we're
gonna tell you a
bedtime story luce jord get back in bed pop that top yeah jord put us to sleep
tell us that was a
canterbury tale get back in that room and tell us a canterbury
go to bed jordan get to bed dude it's bedtime dude we're gonna watch you all
night
yeah just sleep like this dude yeah just chill or to watch
i didn't tell you this i've been battling my smoke detectors that's a tough
battle i woke up
i got woken up i i resolve for now i resolve the issue i gotta buy a new one
you probably have a
haunted house those things pick up ghosts hey mustard i woke up the one morning
5 a.m just full this thing
in my room is screaming for setting off all the other ones you got a kid yeah
dude so i'm like
the fucking kid up dude exactly there's a whole dude there's like my dogs do it
dude it fucks my
dogs up the most my dogs came up freaking out jackson will have like diarrhea
whole family fell apart
whole fact dude smoke alarm can take down your family unit i just reacted yeah
the family's bugging
dude i just reacted dude i just literally i'm positive the whole family is
crushed by these smoke
exactly so i'm like britney cover her ears because i don't you know i don't
know how loud this
shit is so i like i run downstairs and before i even know what i'm doing i'm
upstairs i had the
ladder i hit myself in the knee with the ladder in the hallways i'm like
running in the dark
i open the ladder i take the smoke detector down and i i was fucking naked dude
i was balls
balls naked on this ladder just disassembling the wire nuts and then like i
look down she has like
britney has her flashlight flashing on me it's a full emergency t-ness dude oh
so it's like my t-ness in
the midst of an emergency and then like i don't know if you ever put a
flashlight to your pubes
they're just like horrible there's like pube shadows on my head it was huge it's
a giant shadow
so it accentuates your pubes but somehow your t-ness remains on dude it is
accentuated well i also had
put on my sneakers to like ground me so i didn't have like i had like so i wasn't
barefoot to metal
you were wearing like sneakers i'm working hot so you looked like a porn like
you were in a porn
you were wearing sneakers yeah exactly on a ladder bush i was looking how's
that bush
it's pretty wicked right i forgot to trim my book but there's a girl who's been
acting like a dog
she's been crawling around like a dog she's like a horse girl except it's a dog
girl yeah
what about her some something there's something there someone wait some like i'm
not saying i'm
jerking off to it of course dude nothing like that of course not but i was
supposed to i saw this video
and i was supposed to hate it who sent it to you it's just it's kind of been
circling has anybody
seen this girl acting like a dog she's like drinking out of a bowl in the mall
okay wild yeah find out
how old she is before we continue though i might look i miss we're talking
about a girl who's acting
like a dog dude yeah although to cover bases we should id to take we should id
this
well you pretty much already told yourself i certainly did no i don't remember
it's off panting huh pretty good you got there
in front of the sled oh oh dude you got the leash bro
yeah so i'm very very
truly truly makes me uncomfortable i um
i i am very grateful to be able to do it full time now um but i mean it's still
really did it for me
dude watching girls watch vr porn so it's like so many levels and it covers up
their ugly faces
i mean this girl seemed like she was all right but no it just covers up their
why do you think she's
ugly you're being mean dude what do you mean have some respect dude this is
most of the respect
for the girl's doing weird porn she's ugly have some respect for the russian
sex slave that i
masturbated what do you think she was looking at freedom uh what do you think
was in her vr her hometown
of smolnius she was just watching like rat tattooing some guy was like do this
or i'll kill you
but no it was just a lady um watching i don't know what she was watching but
she had a massive dildo
so i was watching this i mean i was like you know because it's like who what pov
am i am i the guy
creeping over the ledge watching am i the girl am i in the girl's brain so i
was like thinking like
damn am i the girl i could jerk off thinking about what a girl's masturbating
to thinking about the
girl thinking that up i was on some like inception shit dude yeah absolutely i
was like all right
what is this girl watching so i'm like figuring out so i'm projecting my own
porn in my brain so you
were jerking off thinking to what makes a girl horny so yeah you're kind of jerking
off to the sexual
like you were jerking off to men so this is where this is where it gets hazy so
you were like all
girls think this is hot and you were thinking like thick dicks she's pretty
much dude i was i was as i
was i was sitting there it only lasted for like four minutes because i had to
get this out but it was
like as i was going on i fully i was fully i was never gonna be able to use my
mom's car again
i'm i was fully female kin i like i fully left my male body and was in habit i
was basically like
the end of the uh little dicky video i was kyler jenner and i was like let me
explore my body yeah
dude i was full i was in a full girl book dude you are a fucking space cat dude
it was obviously the
the color of the dildo too it was a big black dildo so in my head i was 