Name: Ep 331 Night Stalker
Uploaded: 2021-01-20T00:21:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 331 Night Stalker' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 331 Night Stalker' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-20. Transcript available.

Ep 331 Night Stalker

we are on dude wow i uh i'm cold showers now after the after the patreon with mullen
i accidentally took one this morning how'd you like it i hated it really yeah
so uh if somebody
uses the sink in our kitchen at all like the hot water it's just instantly
freezing you know and i
was showering and somebody was washing dishes you won't say i didn't like it it's
so funny and then
it's just like whoever you hate the most at the time is the person washing
dishes in your head
yeah you're like that motherfucker just did a cold shower like fucking chris
how cold how cold
are you talking ice cold it's just it's just cold water it's awesome it was
terrible so you just got
blasted what was funny was i was getting blasted and i could feel it start
coming and i was like
oh i'm gonna do this because we just talked about this i was like i'll stand in
this for like two
seconds i was like you just got toughened out i had to step out of it and stand
there naked just
freezing like this sucks like this fucking sucks i don't know what's good about
this oh fuck yeah
just the teenest just oh yeah dude i i got uh i right before i came i went for
just a little run
a little something a little mile and uh i came back in yeah you've been running
like crazy i got back in
in your face thank you bro i'm gonna start running event i just want to do you
ever see the emaciated
50 year old men who just are like yeah i want to become one of them there's
just like always a hat
and gloves on barely moving somehow and jogging just like yeah you see that guy
a lot oh they're all
over the place yeah they've read there's a book called born to run i think it
tells you to like
i don't know what's in that book but like just look as gay as possible and you
will crush marathons
yeah that's exactly how they run look okay people are faster than us get over
it if you want to run
you have to just i mean that's not nice come on matt i'm sorry not with not
with everything i promise
although we have about 24 hours more goofing we got a few more hours to goof
true yes i dude um
yeah man by the time this is you know i just hope the proud boys don't abduct
mike pence dude
if the probably never i've never got into politics or like followed anyone but
there's no one i admire
more than mike pence dude he did what was right i just love him in general backstabbed
trump at the
last moment i didn't think he had it in him true i thought he was a yes man but
in the end dude he was
judas he was he was judas he was dude trump will forgive him you think so trump's
a very forgiving
not spiteful man you think he'll rise again on trump tv trump do you think they're
going to give him his
own oprah tv network kind of thing i don't think it's up to that i think he'll
just do it true it'll
be massive but it'll just be online and it'll be him just he's going to torch
fucking everybody
dude he's gonna he's gonna crush the republicans yeah he's gonna everybody he
hates everybody yeah
you have he'll be on him and hopefully him and alex jones can reconcile i've
been following jones a lot
but dude if he pops on info wars after he gets out of the presidency that might
be the most televised
fucking it will be just jones being like you know i know about this all the
time the whole time
mr president as far as i'm concerned you're still mr president after that coup
the real coup
yeah i was reading an article about that last night about uh how like they were
comparing the the capital
stormers to isis basically and being like we didn't find any patterns for isis
they were just like you
know obviously there's religious fervor there but really we couldn't really put
a profile on anybody
who would do kind of like islamic terrorism they did put a profile on like the
the white rappers who
like would for some reason go out there yes they kind of figured out what they
were up to a little
bit but they were like saying uh they were like running down the profile of a
capital stormer and i
didn't get that far into the article but all they were doing is making them
seem sweet they're like
well it's like very into like you know uh declaration of independence 1776 kind
of like when the people
did it but like this version sucks it's not the good one and i just like you
know i think something
popped up my phone and my attention wandered but i'm like damn you're not doing
a good job on
selling me away from you're just telling them these you're telling me these
guys rock they're
basically they're trying to be like they think they're 1776 but they're not
really 1776 yeah it's
like we're 1776 anyway you're not allowed to say this dude when i was driving
down there was uh
have you seen those fbi billboards the hotlines and websites on how to snitch
on people that went
to the capital really driving down 95 saw a big billboard for the fbi being
like snitch on your
neighbors tell us what yeah it's good we're headed to a good place yeah this
can't go wrong no it's
gonna be good to see biden get sworn in surrounded by the military in an empty
crate it's gonna be it's
gonna be everybody's been afraid of authoritarianism yeah and then it's like
what's it look like oh there it is
yeah yeah oh shit that's what it is there it is damn it oh man it is nice me
like that'll never get
us yeah like dude we vote so yeah we actually vote sorry yeah and then it's
like the government's
posting signs like report your neighbors to us yeah it's good stuff it is fun
it's it's it's fun it's
fun to be alive during one of these times but i think what will be nice at
least at a dumbed down
level for us is the news will be good now so then everybody hopefully will
chill out a little more
you know the new oh you mean i think the news won't be kicking up shit as much
during
you know it's not like this is some fucking unique take but it's just going to
be nice to be like
you know the masses will get pacified a little i think so yeah hopefully the
news won't be as
hell-bent on convincing us that we're all in like existential peril but they
might just be like in
other news everything's great now yeah we got a good president the germs have
left the air yeah
things are good we're uh we're all good now yeah hopefully things are good
hopefully they lie and
tell us things are good i would i would prefer that lie fuck yeah i'll take it
i'll just go gently
into an authoritarian state if things are nice if if if the news can be like
stoked on me i'll get that
i mean like other news you guys are doing actually pretty well keep it up in
the news yeah black
people and white people are getting along the virus is gone hmm weird that's
crazy who would have
thought that the virus was going to go away i mean dude imagine if they did
just pump in january
sick nice stuff everyone always they don't ever show the good news it's like
well you're not going
to watch it yeah true if you tuned it in it was just kind of like check out the
i'd be surprised
if it was animal vids they could just hit us with the news should just be
animal vids
animal memes for like 30 minutes and you're like i would watch it i mean that's
my news that's my
news i watch like cats in minecraft falling and i'm like nice wow got something
done today
dude i watched the there's a night stalker night stalk stalker yeah documentary
on richard ramirez on
netflix who's that uh he was wild he was just killing everybody he wasn't doing
it like he was a serial
killer that they couldn't figure out yeah like he was like oh he's a total he
had no motive he was
just breaking he was killing old people raping kids just so he had a broad this
guy had bandwidth
everybody this guy this guy could do it all you would say anybody anybody
killed the elderly
rape show these are usually specialized it was on he was on site with everybody
every night he was like it's on site whoever i'm fucking getting
will i rape you will i kill you i don't know my favorite part and they kind of
gloss over it is he
broke into this couple's house and shot the guy in the head through the temple
while he was sleeping
and shot the wife in the face okay the bullet went in here both of them lived
and chased him out of
the house what yeah it's just been making me laugh since did they stay together
a couple that like
you shoot him in the head they're like get the fuck out of our house like holy
shit and the night
stalker ran away he shot both of them in the head and then was like oh fuck
this is my favorite
couple ever just sleeping waking up from a sleep getting shot in the head and
be like you
motherfucker hey get out of here hey motherfucker and then just looking at each
other like you okay
i don't know he shot me in the fucking head oh me too just resuming a fucking
three-day
argument be like so anyway oh dude the lady got shot like in the face and it
like got stuck in her neck
oh where'd the dude get hit he got shot in the fucking temple and he just and
just sat up was
like you motherfucker you better get the fuck out of here dude get out i'm
fucking naked what the
fuck he was probably in his underwear oh had a boner oh but they just like the
night stalker would
break in and just like kill an 80 year old woman and then the family would go
to the house and they'd be
like your grandma's murdered it was like what and one of them oh dude it's all
horrific
one of them is two sisters that were in their 80s that lived together and the
night stalker got in
there and killed him with the hammer
oh my god what a horror i mean just think that there's two ladies just be like
i guess we'll just
slowly die of loneliness yeah we'll stay together it'll be sweet that's all
dude breaks in with a hammer
damn dude one of our my substitute teacher got murdered with a hammer no yeah
man
sweetheart dude i hope it wasn't the night stalker how did wait i think i think
it was actually i think
it was actually like her accident or someone but i forget um but yeah all right
why am i crying i got
your disease i got your disease now i got leaky eyes yeah yeah the lemare lemare
your leaky eyes went away
yeah my eyes are always leaking yeah their eyes are gross they're always like
wet
sorry sorry my apartment apartment yeah man the uh having just two elderly were
they were they
widows or are they just kind of spinsters who knows just two old maids dude
yeah because i was wondering
fucking retarded i broke into the house it's so funny to sit there and be like
yeah what's going on
yeah yeah there's a man in the house he's just like come here bitch i'm from
satan sent me like what
what the hell are you talking about i'm the devil he starts spinning the rosary
he's like it's not
working it's not working yeah man dude i watched the fucking very dark film
last night
did you ever do you ever see daredevil i hate it with the one with fucking ben
affleck that movie's
so bad it's so funny oh my god like a blind lawyer blind lawyer but he can like
see sonar kind of
yeah if it's it's like if something's too loud it fucks his vision up but if
there's a look like a
little bit of noise you can see kind of you can see like hot babes basically
like oh you're so
fucking hot uh it's i was watching this just i mean i was just kind of like you
know me and bay
we're in the middle of some seismic relationship kind of shift so we're
obviously working it out
we're duking it out a little yeah so come sunday dude she's like what do you
want to watch you know
we're in season three of westworld which i'm enjoying a lot she's like can we
watch uh
i'm sorry about that lady getting shot in the face just at night just like this
what the hey wait watch the walls just waking up getting shot in the head
ow you're like god damn it all right so you're watching daredevil with your oh
my god yeah i was
just so beaten down by the weekend for you she's like can we watch uh she's
like really into the
character electra for some reason who's daredevil's girlfriend and she's like
but you have to watch
she's like in order to watch lecture you have to watch daredevil at this point
i'm 