Name: ep 332 Diamond Heist
Uploaded: 2021-01-26T23:55:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 332 Diamond Heist' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 332 Diamond Heist' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-26. Transcript available.

ep 332 Diamond Heist

we are live and recording dude let's do it fantastic another week dude ah man
dude i i uh
feeling a bit uh kicked why your birthday boy i vomited dude my birthday dinner
why i don't know i have no i'm still i'm puzzled but what happened what'd you
eat prime rib i had
some steak and all i had was steak potatoes and then i had some guacamole to
start it off are you
transitioning transition what do you mean how could this be you got sick from
meats i don't know i
don't know what the i don't i think i might have had like a bad i might eat
just a bad cut dude
that could that could be dude it was and it just might have been like severe
indigestion so i woke
up at one o'clock i had a great time i'm always a little bit of like a bummed
out on my birthday
yeah i'm always just kind of like and i i've actually thought about it today i'm
like i think
it's just because it's the middle of the winter and that guy just my body just
like all the sunlight
and vitamin d leaves my body i don't know because i get the same thing mine oh
you're november no
mine's december sorry sorry man we're not even tight december sorry this is
fucked up excuse me
it's december 11th yeah sorry uh no i'll never forget it never forget uh yeah i
when i was a kid
i used to get sick every year i used to get the flu every year yeah which i
think just timed with flu
season but it's always uncomfortable like going to a party that's for you or
like a gathering that's
for you i don't know so i get weird too yeah very uncomfortable with that it
weirds me like i was
telling britney today i was like dude i i like i'm like actually jealous of
like uh who was it wasn't
matumbo someone else manute bowl like dudes like manute bowl who like don't
know their birthdays i'm
like genuinely jealous of them yeah because you got to watch too because a lot
of bays will a lot of
bays if you're not much of a birthday brat you're jealous of sudanese african
immigrants yes
specifically that them not knowing how old they are or guys from chad i'm i'm
jealous of guys who
have like completely been cut off from the context they've come out of yeah
like i could be 58 i'm
just living i have no idea dude they estimated a new bowl was in his 50s when
he was playing
really they just put scratch they would just put you ever see that picture of
him swimming
no it's him swimming underwater and it is hilarious he looks terrifying is he
nasty no he's just
fucking i'm saying he's long he looks fucking insane is he nasty at swimming i
don't know he
might have been drowning when he was he was at the bottom of the pool you know
the uh i think the
people who so like in sudan whenever you look at a new ball swimming
what the fuck it's so spooky
he is drowning he might be the only person if pool hopping they'd be like hey
oh my god you would
believe it was an alien dude that's scary as flopping
pool hopping rules all right so you had to meet your tummy hurt you turned 34
35. jesus man i'm 35.
whatever i'm kidding i'm like 11 12 never forget i'm like my new ball or 12 11
never forget
yeah i have no contact with everybody else's birthday dude i don't know one
birthday i don't know why i know
my sister katie's because it's before like right before yeah i don't know
anybody else's dude at the
pharmacy i every time i go to pick up britney's medicine they're like and what
what is the birthday
i'm like oh and it takes me a second i fucking spaz internally and then i go
here it is um but yeah
dude the uh oh i'm sorry you know what you know what it's compared to what i
would say the birthday
things like whenever i do a show at helium and everybody's hanging out yeah to
see me yeah very
like this sucks very uncomfortable yeah yeah dude that's the exact feeling this
year wasn't too bad
because i failed at turning off the heat it's all good it's tough i shared the
uh i shared a very
strict rule of never touching another man's thermostat so that's a good rule
that took a lot
out of me well you at least you you know i tried my best he's got one of those
future thermostats i
know dude it's crap very linked into the surveillance state i would me
personally i'm not putting any kind
kind of smart smart smart device smart device hell no they could shut off the
fucking deep state could
shut off his heat at any point i'm surprised dude they're gonna shut you down
see what they're doing
with biden's peloton what they're like he probably can't he first off me and me
and biden have a
peloton that's that's my president y'all i heard that fuck if i had known that
i wouldn't be ragging
on him so dang much he's on the peloton yeah it's only for elite athletes like
me and 80 year olds and
women is i heard i also heard biden had a uh an eight inch penis not his son
who we've allegedly
saw confirmed confirmed there's someone on the internet i mean unfortunately
the person delivering
this news claims that joe biden our president raped her but she was like i can
tell you exactly
what it's not tara reed is it no never forget her name what who's tara reed the
lady who biden
fingered at a party i think no no no not her no no no allegedly fingered at a
party this is a lady he
alleged she she came out was like i'll tell you what i know exactly what his
dick looks what looks like
she could pick his dick out in a lineup yes she said it's i couldn't pick my
dick out in a lineup
i could definitely i wonder it'd be tough a lot all right now we're on an
important issue a lineup of
similar tenises i could spot remotely similar tenises yeah could you pick it
out that's a good
question i might start like an rv tournament version of just birds and you
gotta find yours
oh that'd be awesome i'm all pelotoned up dude go ahead you want the smallest
tenis on earth
i've read i've read o'connor talking about that oh what was he saying he said
the peloton tenis is
unrivaled where did he say that twitter that little fuck did he steal your he
rode my fucking peloton once
that little weasel so he thinks he has the audacity to say that he shriveled
his penis more than you
no but he was the so i've had this peloton obviously i'm not friends with any
chicks
so nobody's shared the experience of the peloton with me yeah so i i o'connor
got a pair of shoes
for himself so he could use mine and the first time he got off we commiserated
on tenis i haven't
had the tenis discussion because you're sitting there you teen us up hard it's
it's like it is like a
post-practice yeah dong and then you gotta stand up and pedal forward and your
dick goes in in your
own body sitting on a bicycle seat sitting on a bicycle seat specifically diverts
blood from your
genitals really yeah that's a side effect of people who are like marathon bike
hard so that's what's
going on one of the thing one of the things they that's what the fuck is going
on one of the side
effects of extreme cycling is kind of like a it just like diverts stuff i've
got all those from your
penis and every side effect of extreme cycling i extreme so i start i cycled
today dude really i woke
up at like 6 a.m how's your libido it's through the roof i'm all that's good
thinking about cum yeah
i think that's it i think that's why they wear spandex on bikes because
otherwise if you don't
wear space if you wear regular and ones all the blood genitals it's impossible
you just look like
a fucking dick i've i wear peloton on in what do i wear yeah uh i have worn
those lulu lemons you got
me a little birthday i bought you some undies dude damn dude i'm wearing lulu
lemons on peloton
so your libido is through the roof right now you're wearing lemmys dude on the
peloton that's
tough what admitting publicly i'm wearing lulu lemons on a peloton dude i i'm i'm
i'm telling you
man the lulu lemons are apologize to everybody out there unbelievably expensive
underwear but they're
they rule in fact put me up to it they're like just try a pair and i bought
them i'm like
i wore them once on the peloton and then i was like i don't want to do that
because i don't want to
ruin them i get them ball sweated out so i do have just compression shorts they're
lulu lemons
dealing with like snatch drizzle dude from yoga pants they can handle some ball
sweat they're
dealing with like heavy yoga my compression shorts get ruined dude imagine
being a girl in yoga
some guys like oh not like this and they're just like oh my god
girls are probably like so horny during which is my mom at zumba
i mean dude unbelievably women dancing to carol king dude women in exercise
classes are just
absolutely horny it's as horny as they get for sure trust me dude yeah they see
me cut in they
see me come in in the cut sleeve snake tat it's like sometimes sure lives back
when you were a little
chubby oh yeah you're fit now chubby with a little bit of fucking like pimples
on my belly
snake tat dude i think i think i was making the class they must have honestly
been like
this who the fuck is this guy 100 and you had like a mullet a lot of the time
yep yeah i did
i had a bit of a mullet i was a little bit chunky and i had the snake tat and i'd
wear cut off sweatpants
so like where's that matt he's chilling mullet chubby matt i'm going through
something of a psychic
puberty right now i hate that you're improving i can't help it dude dude a mullet
wouldn't stop
me at all you could you could still rock a mullet i do that and this is the
thing too i thought about
growing my hair long again it's just it's too much maintenance i'd rather cut
it high and tight
dude it's like every day your hair is all like matt like knotted up and tangled
and like it just gets
i can go with like three days without showering nobody knows you know you have
long hair it's
instantly apparent that you haven't showered for three days yeah it's greasy
dude it gets stringy
i like start looking like trent reznor i like your greasy mullet you want my
greasy oh i like it
getting me going again sorry i rode the peloton today i'm rock hard true you're
fucking hard your your blood is completely i cannot wait your blood's back to
your genitals first
first chance i get alone i'm going straight at my dick as hard as i can
um all right but yeah dude no it's important no it's important we cover that
because you know that is
something i i do want to start that rv tournament it's like find your bird find
your own throw your
bird into a sea of other birds can you find it you might not you might not
encounter your bird for
like a year especially every day it pops up you know how you you know how i
would definitely never
recognize it if it was a dick pic that i've sent to someone yeah where it's
like great angle huge
donger yeah if you said i would have never if i saw my dick pic i'd be like
that can't be my dick
damn dude you know what i mean imagine that though the one day you go no that
the app's actually like
you have found your penis and you're like that's mine that's mine this is my
fat hog i think that
would be a good app every day to see a stranger's penis before you start your
day just as just to know
where you rank dude it takes all the mystery out of everything yeah but or do
an app where you snap
your bird and it just goes right through the database and it's like here's
where you sit here's where you
right let's cut all the mustard here's where you lie well here's here's where i'm
gonna put some
you know punch a hole in this yeah the guys that are gonna stay in that have
dongers true the
guys that put it in once and it's like you're ranked 848 000 not bad out of 7
billion delete
the app and be like i'm never dude i'm never telling anyone about this app no
you gotta you
know then you know then you say all right that's not my strength i've been in
enough locker rooms
i know where i stand dude yeah i don't need no damn tech you don't i don't need
silicon valley
getting involved i don't need big tech i mean dude there are people who have
bird delusion and hold
it down like they have hogs and they'll just be like dude i mean yeah we i so
we used to live nice
with that 