Name: ep 333 The Book of Matt
Uploaded: 2021-02-04T00:54:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 333 The Book of Matt' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'ep 333 The Book of Matt' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-04. Transcript available.

ep 333 The Book of Matt

what up dudes what's going down what up what's happening bro chilling man
chilling you know me dude you know what i've been up to what's that up early
dude yeah did
you get up early today yeah man oh wow well you know late night last night it's
my party time
mr cool matt mccusker what party you slander me i was dude i was the only one i
was like hey guys
i gotta get home i gotta get i was more responsible than the people out
watching the show yes i was
like no i'm going to be more responsible than i saw the 10 45 on my phone i was
like i'm trying to
be in bed by like 11 11 15 man and i was went home took a warm shower i had
comedy ass which sucked
you had yeah every time i've had comedy ass for a week really i just had a
vicious mud butt just to
well consistent mud butt for like a week yeah but then it turns into lava butt
because
like i had a hot ass by the time i got home i had what was comedy mud butt but
i walked all the way
home turned into hot lava ass yeah so then i had to put i had to like take a
very like like acid razor
knife ass wipe hurt like a son of a gun yeah and then i went in the shower took
the water to it
still hurt so then i had to hit the vas so you had a you vaseline the reset
yeah
you went home i had to do a continue yeah that's dude that's like the best if
your ass is like messed
up just slather vaseline in it go to bed it's totally healed when you wake up
it's awesome i had
no idea yeah dude just vaseline all right got a sore hiney vaseline get some
vas up in there you can't
dip the same thing you're trying to fuck me whoa dude this guy's trying to put
a hit on me
whoa dude some fucking you accuse me of partying you accuse me no offense to
anyone of being a
homosexual just because i'm not is this guy trying to fuck me what the hell is
going on
right i met a guy who oh dude it's so great guy he's a good friend but he
believed multiple guys
were trying to fuck him they probably were well you have any guys try to
because i hit him with the
also thanks for snitching on me lamerta dorian what i slept over there and dorian
was like i heard
i heard you had a good joke about me and uh i was gonna listen to it and i was
like
i mean it's mostly about me holding you down and fucking your mouth that's the
joke we do
so i tried to do that there was a guy i met and i tried to hit him with the
yo if you're not doing anything we could go back to my room and fuck
he was like stop right now like he was very like cut that shit out
he hit you with like 50 year old energy he immediately was like that i don't
joke about
that don't joke about that oh god dude that's such a sick personal policy yeah
excuse me i know
you're having fun but i got a feeling you're joking but don't goof about being
gay i'm not
at all he was not dude he refused to come to my hotel room of course dude he
didn't come in
you were flying the funny business flag yeah he didn't come into the hotel he
stayed in the lobby
when i went up to the room he probably wanted he didn't want to go two guys in
one room he monitors
gayness at all levels he's like the mike pence of like avoiding gay situations
he probably monitors
all things gay with not even like direct gay threats obviously but he probably
was like
up into your room will there be any girls there no he's like i gotta stay down
well then i'm not
going up there he's like he's like a heterosexual vamp dude he really was i can't
go yeah you'd have
to invite me in and that would be gay you'd have to have girls yeah it was not
even you need to
have probably at least two if you had just one girl he'd be but i will say
taking the elevator up to
my room by myself felt a little weird why because he stayed in the lobby what
for like an hour and a
half what were you doing up there i just like watched tv oh he just like he was
like i'm not
yeah we had time to kill before a show he was like i'm not going in your room
fuck i was like you
know i'm starting to spiral a little being like wait did he think i was really
trying to fuck him in
the car and now he's like i even i'm not gonna risk that you were not joking
yeah he was playing
it safe anyway holy fuck that was pretty fucking then i like wanted to text him
like dude i'm not
gonna try to fuck you like i wanted to like i thought you should just send him
like clips of like
porn yeah this is what i like girl yeah yo you like this i like this this is
what i like yeah but then
that's you know if you text somebody and you're like just come up to the room i'm
not gonna try
to fuck you that's kind of exactly what somebody would say 100 that was trying
to fuck him that's
that's kind of like a come on baby yeah come on man it's probably cold down
there in that lobby come
up here warm up you should have baby it's cold outside of them baby it's cold
down there i really
should stay i said i'm not gay yeah well that's fucking tight that guy was
keeping it so tight i've
never met one guy that kept it that tight got him man it just like dude don't
joke about being gay
i mean you're an artist dude which that was like your chances of being gay are
like 60 percent by
default 70 my bad 75 probably i might kiss you if you keep it up dude keep
running that trap i don't
know what i do i'm like the vaseline up butt i could just i'm still you know
dude the next
morning i did the next morning you're still vaz protected really yeah yeah that
stuff doesn't
wear off it does not i took a dump wiped right after i went it like just real
quick and i was
like oh i'm still that i'm bad still lubed still vast so it's it's like
literally it's almost like
you're protected to the point where like even the stuff that would cling to
your like
you know butthole skin i don't want to be gross just doesn't there's no residue
i might start
vazzing every day i might just do personal policy to keep myself bad doesn't
feel like you shit your
pants doesn't like constantly feel like you dumped your pants it feels like you
have like a moist
vagina for a butt yeah i would imagine it feels like a like i've used
preparation h and i think it's
probably the same thing oh yeah you just feel like you sharted yeah yeah it's
like i don't want to get
it on my underwear or whatever i'm like it's like it's disgusting yeah i had to
uh in the middle of
the night i had to get up and you sleep naked you probably just got naked
fucking ass lube all over
the bed well no i don't think i did but i mean i had to go and you fart too on
my side if you fart
with vads it's like smell protection smell protection though yeah but it's like
farting in the
shit you know when you fart in the shower yes with water running down you're
cracking you fart like
i woke up i woke up that night and um uh maya was like crying so i was like all
right you know i'll
go get her and i like had to put a blanket down on the little rocking chair
things i was like i don't
want to put a fucking just like a clear just a clear kiss mark a little snail
trail that would have
been a serious nail trail i've been an oil spill i'm sorry people don't like
when we talk
they hate it but who cares the fact that you're lubing up for i'm telling you i
took a long walk
i'm gonna lube dude it's like i i told you my mommy showed me this a long time
ago she's like if you
just lube your butt with vaseline your mom showed you mom yeah mom i have a
sore hiney she was like
you gotta put vaseline in your butt how old are you little kid all right this
has been personal
policy for like at least 30 years so the whole clan does it i'm pretty sure
everyone's lubing the
butt over there i'm pretty sure you guys would be as gets hit hard you'd be a
rapist delight
true i'm vulnerable some guy breaking into the mccusker house at night getting
everybody it might
scare him he might be like what the fuck these guys are wet as hell you guys
know i was coming
what the fuck is this whole house has ass issues and lubed up yeah my dad used
to have to put like
special cream um underneath like his balls he would come home from work and be
like mayor i got monkey
ass just walking sweating in jeans all day yeah you'd be like oh mayor i got
monkey ass she had
special cream it was called like crocodile like crocodile lotion for ass gator
bomb gator bomb
bomb dude you put gator bomb on under your nut on your like that whole area
that like you know
underneath your balls your taint your like inner thigh ass cheek quadrant dude
that stuff works wonders
what's it do it clears up monkey ass really quick i got monkey ass he'd walk in
like a cowboy and he's
like mayor i got monkey ass where's the gator man get the fucking bomb i got i
need the gator bomb i
that's nice yeah that's a nice thing hell yeah dude have your baby ready to
fuck my mom's like a
fucking absolute ass skin doctor dude you've you've surrounded yourself with
that's interesting that
is that yeah your mom was an ass doctor now the lady's your your wife i mean
dude i got no problem
butt mamming no problem dude she walked me through a hemorrhoid the other day
whenever we're taking a
shower together now that she showed me how to like wash my ass in the shower
with a towel
rather than you know you guys still shower together sometimes yeah that sucks
yeah you know every now
and again she'll be like let's let's uh so i'm getting a shower too and i'm
like hop in that's
real although stand out in the cold i've been ripping cold shower yeah i just
take the cold just gotta
stand there yeah and then i when i take the warmth when it's my turn for the
warm water i just feel
like a bitch i'm like yeah i just froze yeah you froze your lady she she chills
man she doesn't mind
but yeah dude the uh yeah so i was like i always like when i wipe my ass with
the towel i always
like she's like let me see it i'm like dude it's like i failed like there's
shit on the towel like
i don't want you to see this she's like i cleaned your ass with the hemorrhoid
let me see the towel
and i'm like he's showing she wants to see your shit on the towel she wants to
see what's up dude
this guy is this guy trying to fuck me what the fuck is she trying to fuck me
she's some kind of
she's some kind of queer
it'd be really funny if a guy just thinking girls are gay too like is she
fucking gay oh fuck
yeah anybody that sucks dick anybody that's trying to fuck a guy who's gay
dude the uh the page way to look at it any what yeah anybody trying to fuck is
gay
pretty much just being like you like dick fucking pervert like fucking are you
a pervert lady
dude i actually was laughing thinking uh i don't know if you know this ancestry.com
can buy your genetics if you took their test tell you if you're gay or not they
isolated the genes
that's not true i know that'd be so funny that'd be so funny i saw the marriage
sucked in his breath
imagine dude if they came out like by the way oh yeah la mary yeah la mary is a
bit of a gay man
by the way we isolated the genes we if you want to know if you have it or not
we can tell you
that'd be so fucking funny that'd be a tough one he's so fucking funny they did
that to lewis
on legion of skanks with the it took a lie detector test really like have you
had any it was like have
you had any bisexual like are you bisexual yeah and he failed really well they
lied to him it turns
out it turns out he passed it but on the show they're like no you failed that
you're bisexual
he was all upset well he's like what what yeah oh so funny because then you're
going through your
head every like thing you've ever done you're like was i trying to fuck that
guy is that bisexual
was that bisexual did that guy just avoid me correctly that's what the patreon
messages are
there it's just i think i should start like it is this gay advice column like
dude would it be
fucking gay if i get a lot of those i get a lot of those like i was gonna see
you after the show
but i didn't want to be gay you're fine like a dear abby be like would it be
gay
hell yeah dude whoa whoa baby dude i was telling you man i got i woke up so i
got you know 