Name: Ep 339- The Pennsylvania Nutcracker
Uploaded: 2021-03-17T17:21:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 339- The Pennsylvania Nutcracker' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 339- The Pennsylvania Nutcracker' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-17. Transcript available.

Ep 339- The Pennsylvania Nutcracker

wow wow west we're on dude yes this could be the day all the funny stopped this
could be the day
why i mean it would be funny if we just this was the day we just were like we
had nothing
yeah we never fully the music never stopped on us though true it's only i mean
everyone needs to go
get some like take out and eat and regroup but yeah you know i mean we've
obviously came down
the hill and then ran back you know charged but i'm talking about just one day
where it's like
i fully exhausted everything i know it's just constantly like repeating stories
like i think
i've told you this before it's just it's like a comment will be like he said
that story six times
it's like all right hey come on man yeah chill fire on the juice no i got some
i got some juices what
you got i've been back home dude i've been with this i found this tracksuit in
my closet look at
that dude uh yeah a lot of people are excited about it hell yeah it's a nice
dude i've been
i haven't been home that was sitting around this was in my closet yeah this is
what the hell what
else you got in there like a sam hyde t-shirt i'm retired it's the coronavirus
it's like i have
coronavirus you're hung it on the rafters it's in the rafters it'll i'll break
it out when i need
there's a there's an emergency supply of clothing at my parents house that's
just the worst clothes
you're like a grand theft auto character it really is dude you just have like a
different house over
there and you have all your gear yeah i really have dude change my outfit look
in the mirror i'm
like oh shit here we go again it's uh yeah i need to go home i need to go back
to new york
yeah i've been gone for like two weeks maybe even three damn two weeks i think
you're also uh i think
were you at the stand last thursday or did you end up chilling chilling i think
louis ck stopped i know
louis i got a notification from the club he's coming hurry up and i was like
fuck i'm in dc yeah yeah
yeah i've been missing the king it's all good it's all right you know he feels
you he can feel my
presence he's probably like this out in the crowd like is he here is shane here
that'd be amazing
uh yeah dude i've been home i've been full trump really you're back on as soon
as i'm home i'm just
full fucking trump dude just i've been watching like fox news at night it's
crazy i'm watching
tucker like yeah it gets you fired up he does he does dude he just riffs yeah i
mean obviously it's
written but it's like every night he just sits in front of the camera and he's
like oh you expect
us to believe the vaccines i i can't watch him no i can't watch tucker because
he makes too much
sense dude i watch him dead on i can't because i start watching him and i my it
my whole youtube
algorithm just completely gets taken over by stuff that i'm like yeah and i try
to like talk to people
about they're like dudes please stop uh my youtube algorithm is just barstool
right now is it really
yeah it's pretty sick that's pretty tight i've i've done a bit of a 180 on them
over the last few
years but spotted me were talking about it's very funny because he was like
where are the broskis
and he was like anytime i see barstool i'm like yes dude the broskis are still
out there i had to
tell him i was like the broskis are on the links you don't see it they're out
they're golfing oh right
all the broskis are just golfing right now yeah they'll return they'll be back
they'll be like
gandalf they'll return when we need them yeah the broskis will come back wait
why do you think the
broskis are gone because of everything on television and music and movies he
thinks the skis are gone
dude really yeah they think they've gone he's like and then i watch barstool
and i'm like yes dude the
skis exist right here they're still making content oh you're talking about on
tv yeah true that is
gone that's broski headquarter dude but what used to be i think there was a
that is broski there was a
confusion about where like because there was the chive i never liked the chive
and i always kind
of like conflate i always figured those two were very similar the chive and
then then i'd watch uh
they would just release something and i'd be like oh i don't know i didn't know
like i was i'm like
putting like the chive thing to it and they they would just drop a take that i'm
like huh yeah now
they tend to backpedal slightly lately yeah they've they've come around
slightly you're on your ass
dude what chank yuger who's the guy from the uh who's the dude from uh chank yuger
yeah i've never
even imagined that name what are you talking about who's the guy from the young
turks oh i have no
idea oh i know there's a made up gibberish name yeah i mean dude chank yuger is
probably
knocking on the door bar so like let me the fuck yeah you guys are disrespecting
women he probably
has tons of vaccines like oh fuck yes let me in i'm about to fucking jab what's
his name
chank yuger yes is that how you pronounce it can i get a pronunciation on chank
yuger
yeah i think it is c-e-n-k-u-y-g-u-r all right settle down over there you don't
have to fucking
scream it i'm not screaming it i'm enunciated chank yuger chank yuger is called
jones getting his ass
dude i'm telling you dude i'm looking out for him every time how scary would
that be to have jones
in your ass dude i mean either one of them if you were trying to do a podcast
and jones came in here
there's those two faggots right now i'd be like whatever you say sir you see
did you watch the
alex jones on i gotta see it man dude it's so funny how was he it's he got bombed
did he really
he got fucking ham why is he getting so ham because jones is a ski you think
they got to him yeah they
compromised barstool compromised him did they definitely barstool has to bring
him on
they could they bring who would have their sponsors would they lose if they
brought on
alex i don't know probably bud light yeah manscaped and bud light would be like
we can't
even associate with this guy true yeah but uh you have a pube shaving company
be like this is
problematic yeah this is bad for us this is bad for pubes
uh the reason i called spade was because i had watched uh generation last night
what's that have
you heard of this have you seen this have you heard of this no it's new it's a
hit new hbo
series it's like euphoria they just did euphoria again really except this one
less hot kids more
queer kids okay it's just a school where all the coolest kids are gay nice like
the captain of the
water polo team which first off that's what i took the most umbrage with the
captain of the water
the fucking coolest guy in school who's the best water polo player burn this
school to the ground
yeah they should they should have an episode where there is a school shooting
and it's just two
jocks two of the football players they're like the school's gay as shit trump's
one of 20
they uh yeah their school shooters were like you won't take my guns away well
wait so there's a
school where the water polo cat is the water polo captain gay he is at least
bisexual he keeps
getting demerits for wearing like dresses and crop tops he's like a sassy gay
black dude got you he's
like um i'm actually a lot like that's what he says to the guidance guy it's
great wait so what is
water polo exactly it's like you have a volleyball it's dunk the man with the
ball yeah smear the
queer do you ever play smear the queer in the water yeah which how funny is
that that we used to play
we used to play smear the queer never did i even associate well if you don't
know what smear the
queer is it's really it's kill the man with the ball yeah whoever's the ball
you're the queer and
you just it's like you're playing football where it's you versus everybody yeah
did you ever play
grease the watermelon no what that's like when you're all swimming you grease a
watermelon and you
throw it in the pool and you got to try to hold on to it and everyone's just
fucking you up
that's water polo same thing yeah but the the captain of this high school also
it's so funny
smear the queer was a game yeah that spread like wow that kid's a queer i would
come out i would come
out from playing for dinner time my mom like what are you guys doing like
playing smear the queers
yeah everybody like oh good good son that's a value you need to learn i also
wonder how those games get
handed down like how do you know how to play capture how do you know how it's
like the and the origins
you know how like lacrosse started like they're like they played with like a
human head in mexico
or some bullshit like that smear the queer was just like definitely just they
found out a guy was gay
and smeared him some guy was just carrying like a tennis ball home and they're
like
who plays tennis so there's a show where it's it's a it's a gay gay high school
gay high school
the gayest man gayest man the top of the pecking order yeah he's queer it's
also funny there's another
kid that gets jizzed in his eye at a party from another man happens uh and that's
like a turning
that's a moment in the show is a guy getting a high school kid catching a load
from another high
school kid in the eye who's supposed to be watching this stuff at me it's just
a bunch of dudes hate
watching it like what the fuck happened to this country if i see another kid
get cum in his eye
it's a chick show is it it's designed for girls girls love watching they love
gay based dramas yeah
it's really weird i don't know what it is about if you if you throw like dudes
in letterman jack if
if girls can just watch a screen replay of people slamming lockers and turning
around and seeing their crush
they would just watch a gif of that for fucking yes i gotta go i gotta go drop
your books
yeah man all you gotta do is someone figure it out base a show in high school
and have somebody fall
in love with somebody and have people argue every girl will be like have you
seen yeah riverdale or
whatever yeah trash and then it's uh but now they've really upped it to like
the point where it's like
just gay porn in a high school it's gay child born it's great just gay child it's
great it's good stuff
they're like yeah the main yeah what's this scene break me down the scene of a
guy getting jizz in his
eye uh is he like kneeling other dude standing i don't want to spoil it for
anybody you can spoil it
all right because i know our listeners are going to be flocking is this the
moment of the finale
i don't know like there's a guy like walking like i think it might be three
episodes i could be way
wrong on this that's all i saw on my queue so a guy got jizz yeah and it's uh
it's like a tarantino
movie it's it's really good it shows every n-word constantly they yeah it's as
soon that's what the
kid yells when he gets hit in the eye he's like oh but uh yeah it's like the
first episode's like a party
and it shows from the guy the water polo captain's perspective which is great
because it the show
opens with him being like i have to go see the guidance counselor because of my
outfit and he
walks in he's like the last guy or the guidance counselor sucks he's a piece of
yeah and they're
like he's actually dead and then he walks in and sees a hip black guy is the
new guidance counselor
and he's like like he's just instantly as soon as he sees a black guy he's like
oh good wait so he
hears the guidance counselor's dead yeah he's like why do i have to talk to
this fucking loser this guy
sucks and they're like he's dead i think he had a wop name too quite racist but
clearly it was a honky
and then uh goes in sees a sees a pretty chill ass gay black dude is the new
guidance counselor
nice shit shit rocks they're boys now hell yeah uh then he goes to a party and
it shows this other
kid's perspective from the white family which is they're rich as fuck the mom's
a church lady with
like a schedule for all of them on the board and the kids are like sexual deviance
nice it's i mean
it's the perfect caricature of a shitty white family yeah like it's like is
that what 