Name: Ep- 342 The King Returns
Uploaded: 2021-04-09T02:51:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep- 342 The King Returns' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep- 342 The King Returns' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-09. Transcript available.

Ep- 342 The King Returns

the wild wild west oh oh we finally got him dude we captured the elusive garbles
dude very elusive
unbelievable yeah he's giving us he's here giving us a new york oh god i
already i already feel an
accusation coming out here i was just very elusive kind of like something
happened and then suddenly
he was very elusive yeah are you sick are you really gonna say that i it was
something we've
already had this conversation hey hold on hold on no don't control me hold on
the because i i was
thinking about this on the way here and i literally told myself i was like steve
just calm down but
then i blew it the first minute but hang on because what was the last one that
was i didn't even say
anything oh your face don't worry how are his levels gardini through the roof
yeah we'll do
we're not redoing it all right well don't scream just talk like a man i'll back
up and then i'll
scream so i don't mean i don't mean to tone police thank you god would you
scream shaving me what'd you
have for breakfast courage no i had it i mean i've got to defend myself just
slightly sure no i agree
i've defended you the whole time anytime i read a comment that was like gerbin
turned his back on
the no it was because you're up in kobe thank you yeah it was just because you
got up
you know yeah and then it turns out you're not up yeah what's going on that's
up it was uh
arthritis stuff that just the medication i was on stopped working so then we
tried different
medications and they used to not work so that like kills your everything and
then covet yeah we had a
sad gurbs for a while yeah man and then depression yeah we had a locked up gurbs
yeah but now he's back
what a little bit what was the hair toss the hair out dude what was the real
have you seen this flow
yeah oh man he went into hiding and just took rogate and got him the last time
i was on i was talking
about putting rogate on my face yeah yeah so i shaved my head because like that
must have been terrifying
it was it's not to see you at night walking around it's not a good look was
that was that the darkest
hour in the middle of covid with the shaved head i don't think so i think it
was more recently actually
why um i mean we could get into all that but it's sure i'd love to well no but
it's not to hear about
your darkest hour no i know it's not funny to you but trust me it is funny this
is a cool tiger woods
that you are a lot like tiger thanks i got that because o'connor had an under
armor hat like just a
total pussy hound like tiger dude oh if i had the opportunity yes
so what was i gonna say ban from baskin robbins dude ban from baskin robbins
yeah tiger woods took
someone down from front was it friendly's uh i think it was a
no it was similar to a friendlies it was like a baskin robbins or a tgi he like
took down
perkins at perkins he had a perkins waitress he was oh yeah yeah i mean out and
then she took her
tampon out definitely one of the skeevy little journalists ran over and
collected the table about
that yeah what do you think of journalists collectively they're an important
check on
power oh my god yeah you should get punched in the belly for that it's a
reasonable comment it's a
reasonable comment to say about like uh tucker i don't watch enough tucker i
did see the john
oliver thing on him pretty brutal right it was really unwatchable yeah john oliver
is pretty gay
it's like it almost made me do the opposite of the thing that john oliver was
trying to do
try to hate him yeah yeah because it's just like i mean you already covered it
but it basically is like
um tucker carlson you whop blah blah blah there's the joke and then do moldy
piece of wonder bread
tucker it's like every single time yeah yeah they whoever writes for him wrote
like must have watched
roast battles four years ago oh god yes that's how you start a sentence yeah
you know what i mean
before you tell your joke you're like you'd say something yeah you pedophile
yeah yeah no and it's all
one note it's just like yeah the worst is the one joke he only does which is
like no sharon you can't
take that it's this you cannot do that okay now like i mean that's it every
single time anyway yeah man
he had that one and i don't remember exactly what he said on that but because
the move that he was
accusing tucker of making which i guess tucker does make his error it's like
what does that mean what
does white supremacy even mean and so then john oliver defines it that's tough
one but then what are we
talking about we're the best oh i'm sorry yeah i watched him recently talk
about the vaccine and how
vaccinated people still have to wear the mask i had to turn it off because he
was getting you just
killing me dude he was i'm sitting there being like yeah why do we have oh oliver
no no no tucker was
watching talking about a thing he was like and if the vaccines work why do i
have to wear a mask still
yeah what are you doing dude i was sitting there just like it's a good point
yeah talk to him with
some points yeah dude he hit me i was like shut it down i watch him just i mean
full mind control over
my dad nightly you have to turn it off dude because it's just he will he will
fire you up yeah it's like
hot work orange my dad sits there with his eyes it's either mad owl will have
you be like tucker will be
have you be like god damn this is bullshit this is bullshit i'm getting the raw
deal the
they're bullying ted cruz about not wearing a mask he's been vaccinated he's a
hoe-ass though
was it it might have been rubio he's a hoe-ass yeah true oh now they're cool
now they're cool anybody
that trump murdered embodied yeah that's true gone dude i don't want to hear
you how is there not
another person who can come out and just like trump again like the one guy
tried it there was that one
senator from florida who was like i'll step on your head with golf cleats and
everyone's like that's not how he did
it that's not how he did it that's not how he did it it was more funny uh so
german yeah you've been in
hiding oh yeah the only thing i just said i just wanted to finish the thought
on that though because
then oliver comes off of that comment when then he defines white supremacy in a
way that if i remember
right i only heard it once i was like what what was his definition i forget so
i'm gonna ask link to the
british i'm an asshole i'm attacking something i don't even remember forget it
okay well so you
shaved your head you were walking around your apartment with your cat yeah you've
been sad for
a year straight yeah doing nothing take us there how did you feel in that
moment horrible what was going
on did you think about coming did i think about coming well while you were lurking
around in your dark
apartment where you just like when will i come again like a real count dracula
vibe uh no what were you
thinking about just like it's it's a good question i don't know wanting to be
obliterated
did you think about suicide at all yeah but i don't have the i don't have the
temperament to do it
yeah me neither you gotta be real gung-ho yeah dude i thought about it
yesterday i was just fuming
i've been fuming for 12 hours i'm sure and at one point i was like i don't even
feel like dealing
with any of this yeah it'd be nice to just yeah there's a button it's like pure
obliteration yeah
yeah everything's gone yeah like you know you don't even know you existed
there is no sadness i kind of want a violent impact that's that's what i crave
yeah i don't i don't want
like that's like the what was the um walking dead where they're in like the cdc
and they're like
this flame will blow up so fast it's like you won't even feel anything i want
to like
fall when i get in my moods when i can't even and i want to kill myself it's
just one of the
where you just want i want to break break your face i just want to fall give me
something to break
that's how i felt today i woke up i was like it's just one of those days it was
just one of those days
when i opened my eyes today it was just don't don't i just want to don't do it
that's out dude
i'm so angry gerbin walked in i'm sorry to cut you off sure please i agree
though violently dying
quickly is the way exactly it's the way to go like a painless dirt uh
gerbin walks in first i'm fuming about gerbin's schedule here yeah fuming about
oh yeah the
timetables that he's i mean whatever whatever whatever you're totally fine it's
like a ceo
you don't need to talk to the camera yeah gerbin's going to take off at exactly
1 p.m yeah the helipad
that's it i have to go time anyway regardless regardless you're not totally
wrong on that we
agreed on that time okay true uh he walked back check he walks in we've been in
there we've been
in this house for maybe five minutes yeah he walks it's dark in here you're
just sitting in
the dark turn the lights on and i was instantly i'm already fuming oh i'm fuming
dude yeah he
walks in and hits me with that then what was it then he starts talking and i
had the volume because
i couldn't find billy's remote so i was using uh screen monitor screen mirroring
yeah on my phone
so i was like trying to adjust the volume on this video we were watching he's
like could you turn it down
and then i started to try to turn it down and literally four seconds after he
goes could you
please turn it down i mean insanity and then i was like i'm doing that and he
was like oh geez
i mean he came in with pure lady energy like it's dark turn the lights on turn
the volume down oh my
god my mom every time thinking what are you sitting in the dark turns yeah she'll
start flicking light
switches it's like dude i'm in the dark because i'm fuming exactly i don't want
to fume in the light
one of the reasons why i don't do this podcast that often is because i i i want
to have a good
performance i view this as performance i'm a good radio i'm coming in here high
energy yeah you are
i walk into a space it's dark it was this and then and then i i'm being
conscientious i'm like meeting
one of his friends that i you know so i'm just talking and i hear it loud
knowing shane when it was
loud i felt like he was turning it up on me he was actively actively trying to
turn it down before you
even asked the first time i was trying to turn it down i didn't give him lady
energy i gave him dad
energy i was like can you turn it down oh your dad eat him he's like no hold on
a second no all right
slide over towards shane just a little try to get like right next to him get
over here i'm over here
no gervin's fine i had a tough day i had a hotel reservation this morning with
and i did it through
expedia now this is on me i scheduled it for a week later next week so i called
the hotel and i was
like can i get an early check-in and they're like uh your reservations through
expedia yeah so i gotta
call expedia they didn't answer for an hour and a half i was on hold i took a
shower that's how long
i put it on speaker and put it on my sink and took a shower because i had to
check out of my airbnb
at 11 which was a rush yeah you went to didn't get through with expedia i was
in new york last i
mean look i'm fuming yeah dude it was give me something to break i pack a
chainsaw dude i'll rip your
ass roll i would rip your ass roll and then yes and then this one comes in he's
like why is it dark in
here turn the light i was just like dude he ripped my ass roll i'd like to rip
his ass roll i
haven't gotten a chance yet eye contact expedia's just dialed expedia's call
waiting is like trolling
songs what are they playing since they played rick astley they played never
gonna give you like
literally they rick rolled you while i was waiting for an hour and a half oh
now i gave up at 50 minutes
i turned it off i couldn't and they played hello from the other side by adele
which because one of the
lyrics is like i must have called a thousand dollars i mean they think it's
funny expedia's having fun
oh my god and then so i just bought a different reservation i just bought it
because i would
rather spend four hu