Name: Ep- 343 The Death of Shane Gillis
Uploaded: 2021-04-15T04:16:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep- 343 The Death of Shane Gillis' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep- 343 The Death of Shane Gillis' from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-15. Transcript available.

Ep- 343 The Death of Shane Gillis

Wow, wow, Wes.
Oh, I just snorted some Zin.
Yes.
Oh, man.
Zin is so good.
Welcome to the show.
Can you do Zin as snuff or will it burn?
I have no idea.
Can you snuffle it in Zin?
I'll give it a shot.
I'll do some lines of Zin this weekend.
I might just do bumps.
I might just start doing lines of Zin.
I might start doing key bumps.
Just reach in and just be like, excuse me.
Yeah, it's a way to like nicotine gum for Coke.
Yeah, dude.
Just snorting Zin.
Dude, if you were in a business meeting and you started snorting tobacco,
you would crush.
If your assistant came in with like, did you ever see those horns?
They pack them up with tobacco and go and blow it up your nose.
Yeah, dude.
I wasn't sure what that was.
Look, dude.
Let's just get right into it.
You want to get in the heart of the matter?
Look, man.
I've gone through PR disasters before.
None like this.
None like this.
Absolute PR disaster.
This is a nightmare, dude.
Oh, my God.
We've had like a 72-hour war.
And the news broke at the worst possible time.
I know.
I know.
All right.
So for those of you who are unfamiliar.
Yes.
I promised Billy that I would go paintballing at Matt's bachelor party.
Yes.
And I made it very clear that I did not trust anybody there with a paintball
gun and myself.
Now, will I say that factored into my decision?
Yes.
Slightly.
I had no idea what paintballing was.
I had no idea what paintballing was when I got there.
Yeah.
I had no idea what paintballing was when I got there.
I realized that would have never been the case.
However, this is tough, dude.
Take your time, dude.
Take your time.
I just let so many people down, dude.
I had no idea how important it was to everybody.
I had no idea how important it was to me.
Yeah.
I called Matt.
I got on Reddit the next morning and called Matt.
And I was like, dude, I'm so sorry.
Like, did I, like, let you down?
He was like, no.
What are you talking about?
Then I called Spot.
I was like, dude, am I fucking gay?
So, yes, guys, your Reddit comments do affect me.
They hurt my fucking feelings.
Fucking feelings.
That was funny.
I was driving home.
Well, first of all, the whole weekend has to be recounted to give it proper
contact.
I do believe.
This was somewhat of a framing device.
I do have a decent alibi.
Yeah.
My Friday was a very strong alibi.
Well, first of all, start with the penis you saw.
You didn't ask to see a humongous penis.
Dude, I had.
You should have done this.
You should have put a tinfoil blanket around yourself.
I had nothing but trauma this weekend.
You did.
First night.
First starting from the very beginning.
First night, we get there.
A lot of, yeah.
So, I go.
Me, Spud.
Yep.
Six.
I think Tom.
I think Tom and Kev.
I think Tom stayed.
Or Kev.
Kev, yeah, Kev for sure went.
We went to the bar.
I think Butterly, maybe.
Butterly, I don't know.
Rainy, that's right.
Yeah, yeah.
Go to the bar.
We're hanging out.
We're hitting the Irish car bombs.
We're having fun.
It was only, you only had 35 minutes before it closed.
Yeah.
We had to get in and get.
I was a little slow on the grill.
I was, we were making burgers.
I was taking my good old.
Taking my good old.
So, I walk in.
Spud's, Spud's peeing in the stall.
I walk into the bathroom.
I walk in after Spud is already, his stream is already in motion.
He was going to go to the urinal, but he chose the stall.
He was going to go to the urinal.
For good reason.
The reason was, which I immediately discovered upon entry, was there was a guy
at the stall.
There was two urinals.
This guy's dong.
I don't know how to.
Can you hold, I mean.
Bigger than this.
Seriously.
Soft dong.
No joke.
Soft dong.
You're serious.
Bigger than that water bottle.
Jeez, dude.
With a tip that was a Zin.
And how many ounces?
What?
It was a Zin.
What?
Zin sized.
What?
How many ounces is that water bottle for the people at home?
This is a 16.9 fluid ounce bottle.
It's 16 ounces of dong.
Yeah.
With a Zin top.
With a Zin tip, dude.
What?
I walked in.
Soft.
I walked in, caught it.
I was walking in straight.
Caught it over here.
I could see it.
Caught your periphery.
I could see it from there.
Caught a glimpse.
That's evolution, by the way.
That's not your fault.
Nothing I could do.
Caught a glimpse.
It jarred me.
I responded like a black guy seeing a magic trick.
I immediately ran into the stall with Spud while he was peeing and hugged him.
Yeah.
And just went, oh my fucking God, dude.
He was shaking already, dude.
This penis already had the Spud Man like, oh, dude, I know, I know, I know.
Spud was shook.
Yeah.
And then I went to the urinal and started pissing.
Takes a lot to shake the Spud Man, too.
Bro, I went and started trying to piss next to this behemoth.
So you-
You faced it.
I teen-est it.
You teen-est it?
You ever see those drawings?
You're David and Goliath.
You ever see those drawings of like a dragon and like a knight?
Like a tiny-
That was my teen-est, dude.
I guess this thing.
So you faced it.
I did.
The guy finished.
Damn.
And then Spud was still in there.
Did he even shake?
I'm just curious.
Guys with dicks that big, do they even shake or what do they do?
It was a blur at that point.
Yeah, exactly.
It was a blur, dude.
I was-
Just smacks the side of the urinal with it.
Yeah.
Just boom.
Dude.
So he leaves and-
He's washing his dick in the sink.
Spud didn't know another guy walked in.
Yeah.
Because he was still in the stall.
Yeah.
So this other guy walks in and I'm in there and I was like, dude, dude.
Spud was like, yo, you see that guy's dick, dude?
There's another guy.
And then I left and apparently Spud kept talking to that dude.
Oh my God.
So we get back to the table and Spud runs out.
He starts, he immediately, he Paul Revere's this dick.
Yeah.
He ran out, told everybody.
He's also good for talking very loudly about a thing.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
And we had just drank a couple shots and we were feeling it.
We all sit down, me and Spud loudly talking about how we just saw the biggest
dick of all time.
Literally, we know the guy was just sitting like from us to the camera.
He was that close.
We were, we were.
He turned around and looked at us.
He was furious.
Was he mad?
Yeah, he was fuming.
Dude, I was working with Spud one time.
We were in a house and we're just, you know, we're just stripping.
This is a long time ago.
We're, we're just, we're using like a, not even an acid, a base to strip old
paint.
And it's like really shit.
Like if it gets into your foot, we'll just start like melting your skin.
We're just melting.
We're doing all this stuff, scraping it down as like into like a weird sludge
and we're in someone's house and he's just like going on.
I forget exactly what he was talking about, but it was like off the wall.
Like, you know, it was just some like crazy porn stuff of like, he's just like,
and then he's going on full fucking full speed dude about like it might.
I mean, again, I, I, I'm not slurring him, but it like, it would be like if I
was in your parents' house talking about like M to F, no F to M like trans.
And just being like, wow, as loud as I possibly could.
And I stopped and I'm like, dude, I think they can hear you.
And he's like, so what?
Look who we're working with.
You're not allowed to talk about that?
Who the fuck do you think works with this stuff?
They know the deal.
I'm like, all right, I guess.
True.
He's like, we're using a corrosive base on old paint, dude.
Who do they think does this?
Dude, he is the funniest dude.
Easily.
Ever.
Easily.
Me and him rarely get to chill.
Oh, dude.
Like I'll talk to him on the phone.
You don't get to see his face on the phone.
True.
When you see his face and he's got a stare that he's not looking at you.
Like the second day, I was like, are we good?
Like, are you mad at me?
He's like, yeah, we're fine.
Dude, I worked with him every day for like, I'm thinking, I'm bad with timeframes.
I think it was like two years.
Funnest thing in the world.
Yeah.
So funny to get picked up by the Spud Man daily and just go out and just crush
painting jobs.
It is so fucking fun.
He's the funniest.
So we go to the bar.
We talk dong for a while.
So the dude's been discovered.
You guys blew his cover.
He was upset.
He was pissed?
Yeah, because he heard me saying it's bad.
Oh, you said it was deformed.
I think it was a problem.
I think it was a medical issue.
Yeah, there's no explanation other than that.
So he heard you saying his huge dick was deformed while he was trying to enjoy
himself at shenanigans pub.
He was just at shenanigans getting his last drink of the night in.
About to take him and his big dick home.
Then we all went back to the place.
The non-drinkers were chilling.
They were like, all right, it's bedtime.
We've got a big day tomorrow.
Yeah.
And then me and the boys decided to go to a gentleman's club.
Yep.
To the Pleasure Dome.
Up until 4.
Up until 4 a.m.
Pleasure Dome.
Yeah, someone hit me with the opportunity to go.
BYOB?
It was like 145.
I was like.
I suggested against you going.
I had a hard day of battle.
Once they find out you're a bachelor at a strip club.
Yeah.
In fact, they did do it to one guy.
And they used Beezer's belt to whip a guy on stage.
Did they really?
Yeah.
Yeah, I would have came.
It would have been embarrassing.
It would have been cheating at that point.
Oh my God.
There's nothing I would fear more than getting brought onto a stripper stage to
get whipped in front of your friends.
Oh my God.
Yeah, I mean.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't like.
That bothers me.
It's always bothered me.
Does it?
Yeah, I would have never, ever.
Anytime I've seen other people do it, I've been like, I feel bad.
So I was at, I forget whose bachelor party this was, but we slipped them like a
couple extra bucks to be like, beat the fuck out of them.
I don't know if you ever gave like a known intravenous drug user an extra 50.
Yeah.
I mean, these girls, a lot of them like to spend money on drugs.
You hit them with an extra 50 and you're like, yo, there's another 50 after
that if you fucking beat the shit out of them.
Dude, it was like fucked up what they did.
What did they do?
They just beat the fuck out of it.
Like, dude, hit them in the nuts and shit.
It was fucked up.
No, never mind.
It was fucked up.
It's, so we get there.
This was my favorite part.
So it was me, butterly, rainy, beezer, spud.
Yeah.
I think.
Oh, and I think Kev.
Yeah.
Maybe I'm wrong on that.
I don't think you're wrong on that.
Maybe I'm wrong.
There was somebody, yeah, I don't know why I'm naming everybody.
I went to the pleasure dome.
So we were in the pleasure dome.
It was just you.
Go ahead.
It was just myself.
And, uh, dude, I got, I balled out.
I was very excited.
I got $200 in ones.
They give you those two stacks.
So I was just instantly like, ooh, like throwing around.
Then the strippers, I mean, they swarmed.
They saw it.
Yeah, man.
Swarmed.
Yeah, dude.
They're sitting there on, me and spud are sitting next to each other.
There's a stripper's butthole right here.
Nice.
I fucking pied spud, dude.
You pied him?
Back of the head into the bottle.
You moon pied him?
I pied him into the thing.
Damn.
And he was like, I'm not going to complain.
Yeah, dude.
How was that?
It was the grossest butt ever, dude.
I would have been so mad.
You didn't care?
Yeah.
It was a disgusting stripper ass.
How would you buy it down?
With a butt plug.
What?
Wait, whoa, whoa, what?
They all have plugs in.
They have butt plugs in?
Yeah.
What?
Like enough that I had to like point it out to Rainey.
I was like, dude, do you see that?
They all have plugs in.
He's like, oh, wow.
Do you think that's to keep...
He's like, I've never seen that.
Wow.
That's hilarious.
That's his reaction.
Yeah.
Wow.
He was sober, too.
He was sober.
Interesting.
No, it was BYOB.
So all we had, we had like one more...
Was that like a sanitary thing?
Just in case they sharted?
I have no idea what it was.
Coke's cut with laxative a lot of times, so that might just be a prevention.
That might be a COVID prevention.
How dare you assume that these